jayojuze Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Hi everyone, first off I want to thank everyone before hand for all their positive comments. As many may know, this is not easy and I've been reading around forums for a bit and decided to post my own story since I am in search for help and have no one I trust that I can turn to. My wife and I met at a young age and we started our relationship at a young age, I was 17 she was 19. She is from another country, we met because my parents are from that country as well so on a trip we fell in love. When my parents found out about us they where furious, it has to do with religious reasons and their stubbornness but that's another story, thing is I sacrificed my parents relationship to be with her, to this day they still don't talk to me. When I left the US I was 17 and went to her country to start a new life together. A few months later I found out she had kissed another guy. She claimed she was confused, not sure if she wanted to be serious with someone but now she was ready and asked for forgiveness and another chance. So I did. Few years later, my cousins come to visit me in this country. I was probably 19 or 20 by then and we all went out for a few drinks and to dance. The next day my wife (the girlfriend) woke up crying, saying that my cousin had tried to kiss her when they where dancing but she shoved him away. My other cousin, who was there with us that night, told me he did not see it like that, he said he saw them dancing and mutually going in for the kiss. I was devastated, but believed her story and gave her yet another chance. Since then we went though ups and downs, my trust in her diminished greatly and I became very jealous but with time I gained a bit of trust in her again. In 2008 I went back to the US in November and returned in just a month, in December. After a few weeks of my arrival she told me she was pregnant. I was surprised but at the same time, though it was odd she know she was pregnant so quickly after me arriving, I suspected she had an affair and didn't want me to know. I told her this, she said my jealousy was acting up again and that she would never do that... I believed her. But still I felt a hunch that she was lying to me, that she did cheat on me. Unfortunately we lost that baby, it was really hard for her and she kept on repeating that karma comes back, what goes around comes around, she felt really bad and made a huge change after that, this was in 2008, 5 years ago, so since then our relationship grew stronger. 2 years ago he said she wanted to have another baby so we did and now I have a 1 year old daughter and we just moved all together as a family to the US in April of this year. The other day I was watching Netflix on our iPad, and since it is synced with her facebook, these messages kept on popping up of her conversation with her cousin in her country. I went in to the facebook app to log off but couldn't help but read the conversation, by now we both know each others passwords and I though we had full honesty between us about anything and everything. I few minutes later she comes storming at me saying that I invaded her privacy, that she was talking about something personal with her cousin and it was about her cousin. What did I read? It started with her saying that she had to delete the conversation before I found out. Then she asked her cousin about some guys, and if this one guy in particular knew that she was in the US now. Her cousin said, he didn't care, it was in the past. He said he had seen us both when she was pregnant (with my child) when we where at the bank in her country. My wife said she did see him, but didn't talk to him and avoided him completely. Then it ended because she came storming at me that I invaded her privacy. The entire day was yelling, she kept to her story saying that she was just asking about her cousins friends that she met once but that nothing happened. I am not stupid and continued to ask her for the truth until it finally came out. She said in 2008 when I left for US for a month she had gone out drinking with her cousin and some guy friends, she met one guy which she though was nice and she got drunk and on the way to the bathroom they bumped into each other and had a quick sexual encounter. She then left, feeling disgusted. And she then realized she was pregnant, she didn't want me to know because I would end things and she lied to me all this time, making me seem like I was jealous, when I was right about my hunch that she had an affair. She claims that since then she has never done anything else, and feels disgusted and bad for that and that was an eye-opener for her that she really love me. So my take on all this? I hate her so much right now, I feel she wasted years of my life, if she loved me so much why did she cheat on me? It took that to have her realize she loves me? Even worse, she should have been honest with me when she had the affair, because now if we divorce our child will have to go through all this. She wants me to forgive her, yet again, but I don't see any chance of us getting back together. I have her the option of going back to her country but the only thing that keeps me from wanting that is our child, I feel so bad that she will grow up without me, and even if I go to visit, it's not the same, she will probably forget me. For now I've told her to stay in our apt, it's a 2 bedroom so we'll be separated, she will be in the same bedroom with the baby. She doesn't work so I've told her to find a job because we have to pay rent half half. I want to be able to raise my child, but I don't want her. Have I made the right choice? what else can I do? I told her clearly that we are done, I'm free to do what I want, I just care about my child.
2sunny Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 She seems to cheat easily. Seems she has no sense of honor or a healthy boundary. She's not worried about honoring, respecting or loving you. She's still been spending loads of time and energy chatting with her family (gross!) about other men! She's immature, hurtful and manipulative in a very cruel way! She would have actually allowed you to thinkTHAT was your child! I'd NEVER consider for a minute staying with someone like that - someone that completely lacked moral character. She needs serious help - and you can't fix her. 2
Bryanp Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I am sure it probably the tip of the iceberg. Cheaters never tell you the truth. She and he just bumped into each other at the bathroom and had quickie sex....Oh please. I think the chances are pretty good that she was probably seeing this guy when you were away for a month and got pregnant by him. She was going to pass this baby off as yours. It seems like every time you have to be away then she cheats. In addition, the conversation with the cousin indicates that she wanted this other guy to be in the United States so she could possibly see him. I think it looks pretty bad. Good luck. 1
Author jayojuze Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) She says the affair happened because she was curious, she never slept with another man but me, but after it happened she regretted it a lot. Shes not trying to excuse herself, I've told her its over and she gonna have to win me back, that is if I want to because right now she just disgusts me, I'm ready to go out tonight and do some exploring myself as well. I dont want to fix her, she has to do that on her own, I told her it could take years before I even consider being with her, she wasted 5 years of my life, now she's gonna have to wait more then that to get me back. Edited August 1, 2013 by jayojuze
Realist3 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I'd bet everything I have she wishes she had never admitted to that ONS. If you don't want her that is up to you, but you will certainly be throwing out the baby with the bath water, so to speak.
2sunny Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 She says the affair happened because she was curious, she never slept with another man but me, but after it happened she regretted it a lot. Shes not trying to excuse herself, I've told her its over and she gonna have to win me back, that is if I want to because right now she just disgusts me, I'm ready to go out tonight and do some exploring myself as well. I dont want to fix her, she has to do that on her own, I told her it could take years before I even consider being with her, she wasted 5 years of my life, now she's gonna have to wait more then that to get me back. Now she will do it again but just not tell you. Creating more bad behavior yourself - that's just adding more negative energy into the M. IF you intend to act that way - divorce her FIRST - then do whatever you choose. And while you're at it - research revenge - and consider maturing before your next relationship.
drifter777 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 She says the affair happened because she was curious, she never slept with another man but me, but after it happened she regretted it a lot. Shes not trying to excuse herself, I've told her its over and she gonna have to win me back, that is if I want to because right now she just disgusts me, I'm ready to go out tonight and do some exploring myself as well. I dont want to fix her, she has to do that on her own, I told her it could take years before I even consider being with her, she wasted 5 years of my life, now she's gonna have to wait more then that to get me back. In case you really don't know it, she is lying about the extent of her sexual activities. A cheater will only tell what they believe they absolutely have to and always minimize their activities as much as possible. You should make the first condition of her "winning you back" is that she must tell you the entire truth about her contact with this guy and any others that she hasn't told you about. Tell her that complete transparency is the first step as it is proof that she is being honest and willing to do anything to make it up to you. Insist on it before you will even talk with her about anything else. One of the biggest reasons reconciliation fails is that more truths trickle out every once in a while and when they do it feels like d-day all over again. Be prepared as you may be even more shocked and disgusted by what she tells you and it might convince you that you could never reconcile with her. Even after her most disgusting revelations, she is still lying and holding things back. Keep digging and you might find out more, but accept that you will never know everything.
cozycottagelg Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I don't agree with some of the responses. And the fact that you want to go out and do some exploring..I don't know..rubbed me the wrong way. And lastly, despite what she did, leaving your child behind sucks, for all of you. Especially the child.
ChooseTruth Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) Liars lie. My ex also got pregnant and wasn't sure who the father was... She also tried to claim it was just one night in the back of a car by mistake. I was suspicious. After 3 months of therapy and 4 of attempted reconciliation I found out by snooping that it had been a 4 month affair, very deliberate with hotels and everything. With a proven liar you never really know what the truth is. She has to prove to you that she can tell the truth even when it's hard...AND that she will be faithful. That's a tall order especially when she keeps digging a deeper grave. Also if you can't trust her around your own family...what kind of life is that? I think you did the right thing. It also saves so much craziness just to split. I think I would have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had done that, but my thing was I had to know I had done everything possible before breaking up the family to preserve my own sanity. I think whatever path you choose is your preoperative. I side with breaking up, but would understand if you went the other way(having been there myself) On exploring yourself. I think you will regret that at this point. Don't become her. Keep your high ground. Also don't take advantage of someone innocent. You are probably a bit of a mess right now (anyone would be, I still am to a large degree) Edited August 1, 2013 by ChooseTruth 1
road Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I am sure it probably the tip of the iceberg. Cheaters never tell you the truth. She and he just bumped into each other at the bathroom and had quickie sex....Oh please. I think the chances are pretty good that she was probably seeing this guy when you were away for a month and got pregnant by him. She was going to pass this baby off as yours. It seems like every time you have to be away then she cheats. In addition, the conversation with the cousin indicates that she wanted this other guy to be in the United States so she could possibly see him. I think it looks pretty bad. Good luck. There was a reason why your parents did not want you to marry her. You chose to ignore it then and do so now. And bryanp is on the money again.
road Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 She says the affair happened because she was curious, she never slept with another man but me, but after it happened she regretted it a lot. Shes not trying to excuse herself, I've told her its over and she gonna have to win me back, that is if I want to because right now she just disgusts me, I'm ready to go out tonight and do some exploring myself as well. I dont want to fix her, she has to do that on her own, I told her it could take years before I even consider being with her, she wasted 5 years of my life, now she's gonna have to wait more then that to get me back. More baloney to justify her cheating. Cheating can never be justified.
janedoe67 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 She has VERY poor boundaries and seemingly very little respect. And road is right. There is no justification for cheating. Ever. I do not believe she has told you everything, but here is why: It seems as if the only time she becomes remorseful is when you find something out, and it sounds like she may be using tears to push you to be okay. She also seems to have a pattern of this, and she sounds very immature. Those are the reasons I feel she is not telling the whole truth. There IS no "always" or "never" with cheaters, except for the fact that cheating is always wrong, but there are signs you can look for to help you decide if she is forthcoming, and the signs to being openly forthcoming just don't seem to be there with her.
aliveagain Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Telling her cousin that she has to delete emails before you see them is a major red flag. You may want to get some software that will retrieve old emails and see what she was really up to. Almost sounds like she was attempting a hook up with the guy that got her pregnant. Ask her if she will take a polygraph and if she pass's you will consider reconciliation. I'd get rid of anyone that facilitated her cheating, their not friends of the marriage. 1
compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Why couldn't you keep your child? If you decide to divorce her, here's what I'd do: Get a paternity test to make sure it's yours. Talk to your parents about ending the relationship (they may feel different if she is out of your life) and enlist their help. Get full or joint custody.
Fugu Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 What she did to you was wrong, and you have every right to be angry as hell with her. But this is more complicated than just you and her now; it involves children, and it involves potentially children being split from their parents in a major way. I think you need to slow this down and think about things before you make a hasty decision. With it being so close to d-day, you're not going to be thinking straight. You need to slow this whole thing down. If you need to, go live in another place (if it's financially possible). Spend a weekend or two by yourself and think this over. Then start talking with her again. I don't necessarily mean you have to work out your relationship but you need to work out an arrangement that's going to allow your children to have both a mother and a father in their lives. Understandably, you might not feel they deserve to have a mother, but that's not really your choice to make - not unless she's directly harming them in some way.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Your cousin tried to kiss her while you were there. Did you ever ask the cousin who did the kissing what really happened? Her cousin is her confidante about her affair. Have you considered contacting her to see what the truth is? It is possible she will stick to the party line, but you never know, she could give you some insight and shed light on some things you were not aware of. You only mention those two incidents, really, but it seems that your wife likes to party with her friends and, when she does, she likes to hook up with a guy. I doubt that you know of the only two times it has happened. It probably happened to a lesser (or greater) degree on other nights out as well. The "just one time" sex stories never fail to make me scratch my head in amazement. This forum is littered with them. They usually turn out to be lies. You don't really believe she met up with this guy JUST ONE TIME and still is asking about him five years later, do you?
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Have you considered putting a voice-activated recorder somewhere in your house where she likes to talk on the phone when you are not around? It could give you an idea of whether this really was an isolated incident or there is much more that has gone on. Was she going to let you raise that child as your own? Was other man aware that she was pregnant with his child?
Radu Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 What she did to you was wrong, and you have every right to be angry as hell with her. But this is more complicated than just you and her now; it involves children, and it involves potentially children being split from their parents in a major way. I think you need to slow this down and think about things before you make a hasty decision. With it being so close to d-day, you're not going to be thinking straight. You need to slow this whole thing down. If you need to, go live in another place (if it's financially possible). Spend a weekend or two by yourself and think this over. Then start talking with her again. I don't necessarily mean you have to work out your relationship but you need to work out an arrangement that's going to allow your children to have both a mother and a father in their lives. Understandably, you might not feel they deserve to have a mother, but that's not really your choice to make - not unless she's directly harming them in some way. I want to expand on what the above poster has said. Everything below needs to be checked with a lawyer in your state. First you need to have your child DNA tested; there is a statute of limitations, probably from the moment you learned it might be another's so do not avoid it, just do it ... quickly. Second, you need to decide weather or not you want to continue to be in your child's life. Third, the problem is that she isn't working and she doesn't have any plans to start working ... ; if this continues on much longer she could claim alimony, so again ... do not let it get to this. You will also need every bit of proof of her affairs, if you can't, it will affect your position during the divorce itself; not to mention that she will make you out to be an ogre, so you really need every bit of proof that she is a liar and serial cheater. Time is on her side overall, she can just wait for a couple more yrs, get citizenship and stop you from challenging responsability for the child, even if it isn't yours.
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