nationalanthem Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Hi all, sorry this post will be a little long, I'll try to keep on track. My fiance and I have a great relationship, he is always caring, attentive, loving, we still have great fun and laughs together. We have sex every day. The only problem we have ever had in our relationship came to light a few months ago when I discovered he had been masturbating at work over the facebook pictures of women he knew. He lied and lied before coming clean. Now I have always been quite easy going about porn, we often used to watch it together. But masturbating over people he knows personally was a step too far for me, and doing it at work is definitely a huge problem. Despite us having sex every day his habit did affect our sex life. He has a health problem which affects his sensitivity down there, which is made worse by masturbating. We talked about it and length and he apologized and said it was a habit he had for many years before he met me, he thought he just had a very high sex drive and that was his way of dealing with it. After him describing triggers and the compulsion he feels to do it we both felt it was likely an addiction. I suggested he feel free to masturbate at home and ask me to help if needed, but lay off porn until he has the compulsion under control which he agreed to. He promised to stop and suggested porn filters on his phone and computer. He promised he would be honest and tell me if he was struggling or had a slip up which I said was fine, I wanted to help. He let me change his facebook password so there was no temptation there. I checked in regularly on this issue and he always assured me he was doing fine, he wasn't masturbating at work. Fast forward to now and I've just discovered porn on his phone again, he's been masturbating in work again. I am pretty devastated he lied again. He was very upset and said he struggled going cold turkey and was trying to wean himself off it, but that he had been making real progress. I had figured he was doing it again as our sex life was once again affected but I believed he wouldn't lie to me again when he said he wasn't doing it. He said he was too ashamed to not have the self control to stop to tell me about it. Once again he has sworn to stop and said he had almost kicked it before and this time he will do it for good. He has put accountability software on his phone so I can view his internet activity to try to regain some trust. He has also spoken to a therapist and got some practical advice on how to stop the compulsion and halt the triggers. We have been spending more quality time together and making an effort to reconnect. I can understand where this problem has come from as he was in a very critical and lonely relationship for a long time before meeting him, there was no sex for the last 5 years of that relationship so I can understand him turning to his computer, and I can understand turning to photos of women he knows because he was so lonely. The habit was a comfort at the darkest times in his life. However my previous relationship was bad and I was lied to often which is why I eventually left. I want to trust and believe that this is a genuine problem and he wants to change, and I do believe this as this habit doesn't go along with the person he is. However I am very frightened of being lied to and hurt again, I am holding on to the fact that I know he is a good person and he takes care of me, he always puts me first. But if this keeps happening and I keep getting lies I won't be able to stay, it will destroy my already shaky trust. I feel angry and betrayed by the lies but I am trying to be understanding and supportive, and he is being very supportive of me and these feelings I have at the moment. I am tempted to let this issue go and just let him be as then there is no risk of further damage from lies, but at the same time it is affecting our sex life and risking our financial security and these issues need to be resolved. I don't want him to have to constantly fight against his own urges, I just want him to pleasure himself when and where appropriate! Besides for this issue he is the most wonderful, gentle person and we do really love each other, I don't doubt that. Any advice or suggestions? Are we going about dealing with this the right way? Thanks for reading.
Balzac Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I don't want him to have to constantly fight against his own urges, I just want him to pleasure himself when and where appropriate! You're appointing yourself as judge/jury correct? What exactly is appropriate? He's not been fired from his job or arrested for public behavior. 2
man_in_the_box Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Most people who want to quit porn do not succeed directly. Its often a path of ups, downs, accomplishments and failures. People who quit smoking or other addictive habits also usually fall a couple of times before they discover what works for them and what not right? The point is, at the moment of failure, the last thing you want to do is rub it in like it is some kind of failure on his part. It is ofcourse, but those actions work very counterproductive as they make a person feel weak and low about themselves. And in that situation the urge to find something that makes them happy (porn in this case) becomes so much greater. A very important point is getting rid of the shame. People are fallible and especially if they need to drop something that is them dear it is going to be hard. Failing to quit is human, he must understand very well that there's no shame in failing as long as the will to quit is serious. I know from experience with this issue that its hard on your side of the problem as well. I found that it was much easier to handle when my partner put a lot of effort into making me feel alright when I failed. Bottomline, I think feelings of shame and inferiority are probably your worst enemies and reading from his reactions they are clearly there. 1
smokey bear Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Welcome to my boat, its very ****ty. I have walked away, if you need to chat send me a pm xx
serial muse Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I don't want him to have to constantly fight against his own urges, I just want him to pleasure himself when and where appropriate! You're appointing yourself as judge/jury correct? What exactly is appropriate? He's not been fired from his job or arrested for public behavior. I think the point at which it affects their sex life is when it becomes her business, right? I don't see her being judge and jury, but when their sex life is suffering because of this, she has a right to an opinion. 2
Robert Z Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) I don't know what so say about his porn problem. Apparently a lot of guys get hooked. But I do know that I wouldn't tolerate having to show my phone or internet history to a fiancée who is acting like a cop. That is just degrading! Edited August 1, 2013 by Robert Z 1
Lansing Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Pretty creepy if he was pleasuring himself to pictures of fully clothed women on facebook! And, to be doing it at work too.. Did he get caught at work? Or did he just tell you he was masturbating at work?
Keenly Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Please, oh PLEASE tell me this guy isn't a chef or a food handler of any kind ... ugh. That's pretty scary when a guy is so obsessed with sex and porn and masturbating that he HAS to do it at work. It's even more scary that he ctually has to try to 'wean himself off it." There's something really wrong with this guy. Policing him isn't going to help because he obviously can't control this inappropriate behavior. Have a medical professional find out what's wrong with him. Is your cloud of judgment as soft and fluffy as it looks?
CarrieT Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I don't quite understand... You are having sex every day and not being deprived of sexual gratification, then why do you care if he is whacking one out in addition to having sex with you? I'm not sure what the problem is in that I think anyone should be able to have a healthy masturbation when/where they want if it is not affecting their relationship; how is what he is doing truly affecting you? 2
serial muse Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I don't quite understand... You are having sex every day and not being deprived of sexual gratification, then why do you care if he is whacking one out in addition to having sex with you? I'm not sure what the problem is in that I think anyone should be able to have a healthy masturbation when/where they want if it is not affecting their relationship; how is what he is doing truly affecting you? This is true, OP - you seem to be contradicting yourself here. Can you clear this up? You mentioned that this has affected your sex life several times, and yet you say you have sex every day, which a lot of people would consider fine and healthy. So how exactly is it affecting you? We have sex every day. ... Despite us having sex every day his habit did affect our sex life. He has a health problem which affects his sensitivity down there, which is made worse by masturbating. ... Fast forward to now and I've just discovered porn on his phone again, he's been masturbating in work again. ... I had figured he was doing it again as our sex life was once again affected but I believed he wouldn't lie to me again when he said he wasn't doing it.
Balzac Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Death grip during Fap has numbed his penis. That must be what your cryptic comment is alluding to. Why not allow him to "handle" the problem? Codependency isn't going to get you what you're wanting.
serial muse Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Death grip during Fap has numbed his penis. OK, I lol'd at this. Sorry, OP. 1
jphcbpa Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 sex therapist or a therapist to start. slaa or saa seems like the wants to stop, but cannot??? that is an addiction.
Balzac Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Have you untied his thumbs from his smart phone yet?
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