jb003 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 My story is not unlike a lot but does have a twist. I had for 25 yrs what everyone thought was a perfect marriage. Actually so did I . Long story short , my husbands HR at work became our friend. after a couple of yrs of family birthdays dinners, etc. She told him she knew we were having marriage problems and it was in her job description to offer marriage counseling(NOT). In shock he said he didn't know we had problems and she proceeded to fabricate some, that I supposedly told her. The she talked to me and pitted us against each other with her lies. She bragged after it was over it took her 3 yrs but she broke the sob. When I finally figured our what was going on he was too involved with her to believe me. I defended him constantly to our families that he could not be having a sexual affair because he had ED. (Yup my twist). Well eventually he confessed and begged for forgiveness , after he caught her in some lies and started believing me. Well we are one yr out in our recovery and I am not doing so well. Let me just say my husband has been almost as devastated as me at what he did. The problem is he did not quit his job or move away as promised(she got fired) or get counseling. all things I asked him to do to earn my trust again. Things are still hard for me but the worst is the lack of physical connection. He does still have ed but can occasionally function. Problem is he won't and doesn't want to. Now I understand how frustrating it is for a man, but my problem is that he wanted it bad enough to risk humiliation with her , but not bad enough to just kiss and hold me to save our marriage. Yes it failed after the first time with her. But I feel so unwanted or desired. I don't need intercourse if he can't but passionate kisses or a little making out would be nice. Its hard to form an emotional attachment without some talking or physical contact. He is constantly patting and touching and sitting next to me, but as if I were is child or sister. Has anyone else had to deal with this, in addition to the whole batch of other usual stuff, which I also deal with. Mistrust , resentment, disbelief, etc? I am finding myself closing down and pulling away. I really need to hear some other points of view on this.
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 The most obvious first question here is is he under a Dr's care for the ED? Many forms of ED are treatable, is he getting treatment and following his treatment orders????????
Author jb003 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 yes he is. Believed it was due to BP meds and he quit taking all but one. They offer Viagra but its too expensive and doesn't help that much. Doctors aren't too worried about the ed. just say that's something he has to live with. I actually feel its partly physcological. He was better after his initial confession, so I thought it was the shame and guilt he was feeling. Constantly telling me he doesn't deserve me, he can't believe what he has done, etc. And then just stopped again. I have tried to be very supportive and he does talk some about it but mostly it just makes him feel worse to bring it up. I feel angry a lot because I feel like he cheated and I am trying to make him feel better. I try to hide it and usually succeed but after a while I just let it all out. I love my husband and I believe he loves me but I so wonder if he would have left her for me if it weren't for the ED. Its almost like he settled because he knew I loved him enough to deal and was embarrassed with her.
Artie Lang Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I so wonder if he would have left her for me if it weren't for the ED. Its almost like he settled because he knew I loved him enough to deal and was embarrassed with her. sure sounds like it to me. i also see resentment rearing its ugly head.
2sunny Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Since HE isn't willing to DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to repair the damage HE caused - I can't see how this is a loving marriage! Seriously, he didn't quit, won't take Viagra, won't do counseling and won't supply YOU ith intimacy that doesn't require an erection! HeOULD be spending time and energy looking into your eyes, kissing, giving you oral sex and orgasms - and being honest about how he will DO anything to regain your trust and affection. But he's not!!! I'd say his actions show he's not into you. Im sorry to say that - but it seems that's what his actions show. Is it enough for you to stay? I would have a difficult time feeling the love, honor, trust and respect that is SUPPOSED to be the basis of your marriage!
Author jb003 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Artie yes there is a lot of resentment that is not at all hidden by me. Trying to get better. And 2sunny, I have said all of those things too him, this past week end he seemed to have a light go on. Maybe because I said I believed it time to give up. We talked a long time. He is now doing the very things you suggested and seems to be a little happier himself each time. Slowly opening up and sharing with me and he does swear he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. Now I guess its a matter of if it continues and if I can deal with living in this town and down the street from the AP the rest of my life. I did tell him I don't think I can. And trust , we won't even go there.
Author jb003 Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 Did not answer your question. No it wasn't enough for me to stay, until he started putting forth the effort he is now putting forth. But is it enough? I guess time will tell if he continues to open up and try. Even then after having been rejected so much the past year and not doing all the things you and I both mentioned. Well so much to accept and deal with, just don't know how I can with out help but I plan to give it my all.
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