Bo_Diddley Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) So I've been dating this girl for a few weeks. We're both in our mid-20s and have careers. It's been good, we see each other about once a week, but I'm getting a lot of mixed signals. The hot parts: We kissed on our first date. Everything feels good and natural with her, easy conversation without awkward moments. One date in particular was extremely romantic, cuddling together by the water, kissing, and I just felt so close to her. And after every date, she always tells me she had a great time. The cold parts: In between dates it's like I don't exist in her life. She's never once called or texted to ask about my week; it's always me initiating any type of contact, me asking for and organizing our dates. And then she won't accept my friend request on Facebook even though she's an active user, which means she hasn't looked at my profile since it's not public. I (and probably most people) would be curious to visit a love interest's online life, especially after a few dates, so I take this as another indication of her lack of interest. Before anyone brings this up, I'm certain she's not taking advantage of me because we take turns paying for dates. I bought her flowers on our last date, but I don't lavish her with gifts. I understand that people are busy, and maybe she's not the type who likes lots of texting, but her behavior does not suggest that she's very interested in me. If that's so, why does she still go out with me? I've never been in the hot and cold situation before. I don't necessarily move super-fast in dating, but it has always felt straight-forward. I don't get this. Edit: Right now I'm debating whether or not to walk away from this. I'm in a particularly stressful period at work, and I find myself spending way too much time/energy over-analyzing this dating situation. I also don't want to jump the gun, because I do like her a lot and want to keep dating her. So how do I know when to walk away given so little and so mixed information? Edited August 1, 2013 by Bo_Diddley
Philosoraptor Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 If it's more stressful than fun, it's time to move on. Since you seem on the fence with this, it may be time to just be direct with her and figure out what is going on in her head. Either way, whatever the response is, you will see your clear path. 1
KatZee Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Lets break this down really simply: - You see her only once a week. - Between getting together there is zero contact. - She won't add you to her social network. Sounds like a booty call situation / casual situation to me. She's not particularly interested in knowing about you, and your life. She's fine with going out and getting dinners, and having some make out sessions. She probably doesn't want anyone knowing about you OR has things she doesn't want you knowing about (ie: other guys she's dating). 3
salparadise Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I also don't want to jump the gun, because I do like her a lot and want to keep dating her. So how do I know when to walk away given so little and so mixed information? Well then, don't pull the plug prematurely. It could just be that you have a cool customer on your hands here. Don't make too many assumptions––you are assuming that her not initiating or adding you on fb is a sign of disinterest. Her willingness to continue dating, having good dates, and her expressing appreciation are a more definite signals. Some women just place the onus on the guy to do all the pursuit. You must admit that she's darn good at staying in control and keeping you guessing and a bit off balance, which probably isn't bad strategy. If I were you my main concern would be whether she's multi-dating. If so then your best bet would be to turn it up a few notches and try to get exclusive with her and eliminate competition. If she's not then backing off might be an effective way to get her to show her hand. Do you know what she does in between your dates? We don't have enough info to accurately assess anything, so my advice is to change things up a bit, but you have to figure out in which direction. 3
ToyStoryThree Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Lets break this down really simply: - You see her only once a week. - Between getting together there is zero contact. - She won't add you to her social network. Sounds like a booty call situation / casual situation to me. She's not particularly interested in knowing about you, and your life. She's fine with going out and getting dinners, and having some make out sessions. She probably doesn't want anyone knowing about you OR has things she doesn't want you knowing about (ie: other guys she's dating). I'd hate to agree with this, but I kinda do. I think that she probably has a few other guys that she's into, or one significant other. I think you gotta be straight with her - in person, not through messages.
Lansing Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Maybe she just doesn't want you on her Facebook because she doesn't feel comfortable giving you that kind of access to her yet. It has only been a few weeks. Personally, I don't have FB but if I did I wouldn't add a girl I was dating and keep it just for my friends. Also, you bought her flowers after less than a month. That gives her the idea that you are interested in a "Relationship" but maybe she just is enjoying getting to know you and casual fun. For me, I am not big on spending hours on the phone or e-mailing with some girl that I am dating. I will see them when I see them and enjoy time with them but that doesn't mean I am not thinking of them when I am away. I think you just need to relax a bit... YOU need to decide to stop analysing it so much and get out of your head. 2
eddyctv Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Either ask her whats the dillyo or sit tight and wait for her to contact you.
Eggplant Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 It's only been a few weeks. It's just casual dating. As a rule, I don't add non-boyfriends to FB. If you like her, keep seeing her. You can see others too. 1
charlietheginger Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Its part of her game women want to be chased so you Have to call text and persue.... If you call text to much you Look clingy and needy..... If i were you id walk away women like this love the attention But rarely commit or want a relationship 1
Star Gazer Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 A few weeks with only one date a week is nothing. Nothing should be assumed from her not adding you to FB. I typically don't add guys I'm dating to FB just because I don't want them seeing my every post, comment, check-in, etc. Are you even giving her the chance to initiate comms? You could be beating her to the punch each time.
Gottabestrong Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 It's not necessary bad news. You said you have been dating a few weeks, how many exactly? And if you see each other once week, you have been on what, 2-3 dates? So it is still early days. It is entirely possible that she is following the advice of many dating books and gurus saying that a woman should never initiate in the beginning but let a guy make all the moves in order to gauge his interest. Women are also sometimes afraid of appearing clingy or needy if they initiate contact in the early stages. The fact that she accepts your invitations and always tells you she had a good time, is a good sign on the other hand. Also, about Facebook, I don't like to add romantic interests on it either, at least in the beginning, because then they can see ALL your posts, even from years ago when I might have been crazy about some guy and posting loving stuff about him. I don't want to have to go through all my history to set privacy for individual posts, so I'd rather wait to see if something serious develops before adding him. About multi-dating, it is entirely possible that she is dating other men, but that doesn't mean she is not into you. Many women use multi-dating as a way not to get too emotionally invested into one guy before the relationship is actually established. By multi-dating I mean actually going on dates, but not making out or hooking up. Of course I could be totally wrong, but I am just giving you one possible explanation for her behavior. Here is my advice to you: If you like her, and have been dating for at least a month, I would mention that you would like her to stay in touch during the week and initiate contact herself once in a while. See how she reacts to that! Also, if you have the time, ask her to get together more than once a week, it is another way for women to gauge if a man is interested - whether he wants to see you often. And finally, if you feel so inclined, have an honest conversation with her about exclusivity. Good luck! 1
Axee Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Why didnt you ask her " hey why didnt you accept my friend request?" FYI , i dont add potential love interests in my FB because I just dont want them mis interpreting my lines and photos..
ChatroomHero Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) Its part of her game women want to be chased so you Have to call text and persue.... If you call text to much you Look clingy and needy..... If i were you id walk away women like this love the attention But rarely commit or want a relationship I agree. I just walked away from a situation like this. I figured if she was too busy to show me a little consideration, I'd end up spending more time and effort trying to make something happen that it was worth. You spend time thinking, I haven't heard from her in two days or I sent her a text asking if she was free and no response for two days...is that a clear sign of disinterest or is she looking for me to chase? I finally figured either way I am too old and too busy to play that game. It took me a long time in life to figure it out, but until something is official, now I give myself and my time the same respect I would give to her. I wouldn't disrespect someone I am interested in by ignoring a text for days or blowing them off so why would I want to be with someone that would do that to me? Even if something worked out, I figure it would be a relationship full of last minute cancellations, cancelled dates due to no response or late responses, and always wondering how she found time to respond to other people but not me. I think if your gut is telling you get out, you have to get out. Personally looking back, I don't know if my gut has ever been wrong but I do know it has been dead nuts on plenty of times. One other thing I would add, does she respond to texts while you are with her? A lot of times with people I have met like this when I am on a date with them they respond to every text they get almost immediately. It makes it worse to know she is probably only ignoring my texts and I think says a lot. Edited August 1, 2013 by ChatroomHero 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 My now bf and I (very new relationship though) didn't add each other to facebook until after we'd had the exclusive talk, both of us privately (without even discussing it!) felt that it's a shame to add someone you're dating too quickly, as soon as you're on there you have access to SOOOO much stuff, especially now you can just click straight through to any year and any month, that it kinda takes away the fun of getting to know each other... Would I rather discover who his best friends are, which his favourite trips have been, which bands he loves the most, what his ex partners looked like, which TV shows and movies he watches, which local areas he visits the most often or what significant events he's had going on in his life through looking at his facebook page, or would I rather slowly and deliciously glean all of that information from a series of progressively more intimate 'getting to know you' dates? Definitely the latter! I also wouldn't want a guy to have access to everything I put on facebook when we might end up in a relationship. We added each other only once we decided to add each other to our relationship statuses.
Author Bo_Diddley Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Hm, quite a few posts telling me to get out, and others telling me that I'm over-worrying and that these signs aren't necessarily of disinterest. I'd rather err on the side of sticking around too long and having a few more frustrating nights than err on the side of walking away too early. We've had 4 dates so far; she's never been late or bailed on any, and she does not look at her phone at all when with me. So yes, there are a lot of good signs. I don't contact her unreasonably often, typically twice in the week; I can't imagine that's jumping the gun on her every time. But I think the way to go now is to just wait it out without contacting her anymore in order to gauge her interest; I've shown my interest clearly enough that I don't see this as playing mind games. I don't want to have a "so do you like me or not?" talk because if she does, that's a pretty big turn-off; and if she doesn't, that's just clingy and lame. If she finally starts pursuing me, then I'm just being neurotic. If there's nothing past this weekend, I think I'll know to walk away, especially since we've already made loose but unconfirmed plans to a music event this weekend (edit: that she's certain to not have forgotten about considering she's one of the performers.) Reasonable strategy? Going to be a nerve-racking couple of days!
Star Gazer Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I don't want to have a "so do you like me or not?" talk because if she does, that's a pretty big turn-off; and if she doesn't, that's just clingy and lame. There's nothing wrong with having a conversation (NOT via text) where you let her know you're having difficulty figuring out if she's interested in continuing to see you, and observing her response. 2
nerudite Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I'm going to make this VERY easy for you; take my advice: She's behaving in the old-fashioned "proper" courting manner. There is HEAVY pressure on females to not be the first to contact in the first couple weeks through months of dating. She's being aloof but accepting your dates? You're fine, I'm telling you. Don't throw in the towel without first telling her that you feel like she might not be into you because you hear so little from her between dates. She'll probably laugh and tell you that's why - that will also let her know the time has passed that she can start contacting you first. 2
MissBee Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 My rule for deciphering hot and cold is: don't. There's nothing to decipher. It is as it seems. When you're not around you don't exist, when you are you do. It's pretty typical of a casual/not-that-into you relationship. When I'm into a guy A LOT I am happy to call/text or see him and talk to or about him even when he's not around. When I'm not, he's out of sight and out of mind until I next am bored or just wanna hang out, or I'm horny 2
travelbug1996 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Why There?s No Point Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue
Author Bo_Diddley Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 She's behaving in the old-fashioned "proper" courting manner. There is HEAVY pressure on females to not be the first to contact in the first couple weeks through months of dating. I honestly don't understand that at all; nor has it ever been my experience in my past several years of dating which has resulted in 3 relationships.
ChatroomHero Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 It is as it seems. When you're not around you don't exist, when you are you do. It's pretty typical of a casual/not-that-into you relationship. The one thing I noticed about women that were into me, I knew they were into me from the start and never questioned it. There was never a gray area, I never questioned the amount of contact and never left a voicemail that wasn't returned and next asked a question in text or asked for a date that was ignored. It sounds like she has very low interest. Stick it out as long as you want, but the longer you stick it out the more "positive signs" you'll find despite obvious negative signs and it will be that much harder to walk away.
Eggplant Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I sent her a text asking if she was free and no response for two days...is that a clear sign of disinterest or is she looking for me to chase?Outright rude behavior like not responding is not playing hard to get. It's definitely disinterest.
BluEyeL Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 If she doesn't initate but responds within a reasonable amount of time (24 h) and says yes to dates, it's absolutely OK and you could discuss it with her if you want more initiative. But if you ask her out and she doesn't reply, then she's not interested.
Star Gazer Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Outright rude behavior like not responding is not playing hard to get. It's definitely disinterest. Exactly. Not initiating and not responding are two different things. The OP has terms the woman's behavior hot-and-cold. There's nothing cold about it. She's been receptive and responsive.
Joaquin Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 The one thing I noticed about women that were into me, I knew they were into me from the start and never questioned it. There was never a gray area, I never questioned the amount of contact and never left a voicemail that wasn't returned and next asked a question in text or asked for a date that was ignored. It sounds like she has very low interest. Stick it out as long as you want, but the longer you stick it out the more "positive signs" you'll find despite obvious negative signs and it will be that much harder to walk away. Yes I have found this also. When they like ya, ya know! Issues like second guessing x y and z never featured. Yr on the same page so its cushdy. Life us soooooo much easier when they like u and show it.
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