Torn between husband (separated) and boyfriend

[cl159]

I really, really need some help, but I'm not sure anyone can help me. Hoping I'm wrong. Sorry this is such a long post but it's complicated...

 

I'm 28, in the process of getting a divorce. I met my husband in 2007 and we bought a home together in 2008. We married in Jul 2011.

 

We were so young when we met (23). I had a steady boyfriend from the age of 17 until 23, and haven't had a day of being single my whole adult life. I was my husband's first girlfriend. Looking back, we were both immature and really 'playing house'. We have a lot in common - similar backgrounds, religious level, same friends, enjoy similar things, same outlook on life in terms of lifestyle, family, social life, spending money, where to live, work/life balance etc. There is a definite spark between us, and as soon as I met him I felt he was 'the one'. I admire his ambition and achievements at work, and know that he would be a good parent (he is a wonderful uncle and a caring friend).

 

I was very happy in my lifestyle and wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, but there were big issues between us that I always ignored (or didnt realise - after therapy, I have a much better undertsanding). I also didnt have a good understanding of my needs, or what I was/was not prepared to accept in terms of his behaviour (immaturity and lack of experience, together with low self esteem I think).

 

I am quite emotional and have long term problems with anxiety (related to a phoba of feeling and being sick, which I have suffered from for approx 20 years. I am working on this). I need emotional support ( a 'normal' amount) - someone to listen to me, try to understand, someone who wants to try to give me what I need and doesnt judge me. My husband did not feel able to give this to me. I find conflict difficult and my husband has issues with anger. He always felt he was right and that I was worng. He didnt listen to me or take my concerns/issues seriously. He bullied me and then accused me of being oversensitive or manipulative. I also didnt handle any of his criticisms well. Essentially - we lacked self awareness and didnt know how to communicate.

 

Just after our first anniversary in summer 2012, I started to feel very emotionally unstable in myself. I think i was having some sort of emotional crisis, and I began to doubt everything in my life (who am I, what do I want, why have I made these choices, am I really happy etc). I started seeing a therapist in Sept 2012. Gradually over a few months I began to feel more and more that my unhappiness was because I wasn't happy with my husband. We became very distant and fought a lot. He was working away 3/4 days a week at the time.

 

In October I started to become closer to a male friend from work. At first it was just talking, then I guess it became an emotional affair - I was explaining to him all the things I should have been telling my husband, and looking to him for the emotional support that was missing in my marriage. At the very end of December 2012, things became physical between us (I am not proud of this). He was also in a relationship that he felt had no future, but was afriad to be alone and so was stalling.

 

In Jan 2013 I left my husband and we have been separated ever since. I confessed to the emotional side of the affair (actually in my opinion even worse than the physical). He asked me to attend marriage counselling but I didnt feel able to communicate with him (see above reasons!). I didnt feel secure in his love for me, and didnt feel able to explain how I felt and how he hurt me without him dismissing my feelings or accusing me of being crazy or emotional.

 

In the months after I left things were terrible between us. I started divorce proceedings and have reached the stage where the petition has been filed in court.

 

In this tpast 6 months I have grown even closer with my friend from work, who I am now in a relationship with. He offers me all the things that I craved in my marriage - emotional support, reassurance, listening, respect, non-judgemental acceptance, affection, compliments/positive feedback - and more. We are compatible in many ways and have fun together. He is intelligent and well-educated, hard working and an excellent friend. We have the same ideas on some of the big things - family, marriage, work/life balance etc, but in some ways we differ.

 

He is 8 years older than me, he is more religiously observant that me (this icludes quite serious restrictions on life like special food at home, going to synangogue every staurday morning, not driving on friday evenings/saturday daytime etc which I think may bother me in the long term but I have ignored until now as issues), we have quite different backgrounds and ideas on lifestyle in terms of material things, holidays. We have very different social groups. He can be quite a 'grumpy old man' and has a tendency to be negative or get worked up about things like politics etc that I am more laid back about.

 

A few days ago I was in touch with my husband about an ongoing issue with our property (we are in negotiations about it) and we met for a talk. During that time we managed (for the first time) to talk through what happened in a calm way. He says that he has an understanding now of how I was feeling, and how his bhaviour impacted on me. He feels he has been through some personal growth, and would like to explore whether we can work out our issues. He expressed how he feels about me, and explained that he was emotionally unavailable before, and that he knows this must have alienated me. He says he feels he has begun to change, and would like us to see if (in counselling) we could potentially work on the issues we had and 'start again', with me setting out boundaries and him being more expressive and working on his anger issues. We talked about how hard it would be, all the potential obstancles, (lack of trust, fact we have both been with other people, fear of repeating past mistakes, anger, resentment, disappointment, shattered illusions etc), but he feels it is a risk worth taking. He says he loves me and that he does not want anybody else. He has enormous regrets abotut he way he behaved and would like the opportunity to change.

 

I enjoyed talking to him and didnt want to leave. I realised that I missed him. I felt that, now I wasnt so angry or in crisis, that I could talk with him honestly and openly. I feel that I would now be able to go through counselling, when before I couldnt. I also feel he is now ready to listen and willing to change, and take some of the responsibility.

 

At the same time, I am in a relationship with a wonderful person - how can I give that up? I have found someone who meets many of my emotional needs, and who I have real feelings for. Maybe it's becasue it's only a relatively new relationship so things are still great -but it does feel real. I dont want to hurt him, and I dont want to lose him. If i'm honest, I also dont want to lose his friendship and emotional support.

 

And how do I know whether to risk working on a marriage that was always flawed, but that I never really worked on and that we both took for granted and made no effort to resolve? It is so hard to walk away from the hopes and dreams, the shared past, the love that I still feel - knowing that we never really gave it a chance. I did the best with the resources I had at the time, but now I feel I would have the capacity to work on it. My husband also seems to have changed his outlook and gained some understanding, but he could just be afraid of losing me or afraid of being alone and not realise it. But is this just a normal doubt or grief for my lost relationship?

 

I know it might seem that I was selfish and am still being slefish, but I just feel so torn. I didnt set out to hurt anyone. I don't know what to do. Please help.

[AllTooWell]

I understand that you are in pain and confused.

 

However, you have put yourself there. You should have sought marriage counselling long before you cheated. Do not blame your husband for your actions and decisions. Sure, he may have pushed you to the line, but you were the one who made the conscious decision to cross it.

 

 

The OM has demonstrated what kind of a person he is - he is UNABLE TO BE ALONE (huge red flag, codependant issues, etc) and is CHEATING on his SO with you. He has NO PROBLEM with breaking up a marriage. Why on EARTH would you want to be with someone like that?

 

 

You have already put your marriage at risk. You need to tell your husband about your affair - both PA and EA - and you need to go NC with this man, now. If it was about leaving your marriage, you would not be in the relationship wondering what to do. You are finding emotional validation from this affair and you are hurting your husband. He deserves better. He has made it obvious he is willing to change - but are you even remorseful for what you have done? If you want to be with your husband you need to come clean, be remorseful, GO TO MC/IC, get a new job, and go no contact with the OM.

 

If you are not willing to do that, then you are in the fog still/do not love your husband. Spare him and leave him.

[2sunny]

I think it would be best for YOU to get to know a healthy version of YOURSELF - all on your own!

 

Seriously - no other men until you find the true version of who you are - and what you want/need. Being happy with only yourself BEFORE offering that version of yourself to any man.

 

And get honest - with your Hand the OM! Since your H doesn't REALLY know what you have been doing - he can't possibly make an INFORMED decision about who you are - because you've been lying about your actions.

 

You've never been on your own? WellNOW is the right time! And work on being the best you- YOU can be!

 

Grow your character and integrity - then decide how best to move forward!

 

You've harmed yourself and BOTH these men by lying and manipulating. I'd say come clean and find out what your authentic self REALLY looks like before engaging inANY further contact with either man. Someof the references you use for both me is mean and condescending.

 

Address your fears and struggles yourself! It's not uptoa man to UNDERSTAND what you don't even understand yourself.

 

You have a lot of crap to sift through - your family of origin and fears - get busy doing that before ANYHING else!

[orionboxing]

Grow your character and integrity - then decide how best to move forward!

 

This....but also...

 

I would also cut off ties with the other man...and work on your severed marriage first. You just said you are developing feelings for him again. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Go back to the guy you took your vows with!!!!!

 

The other man looks good because he's an escape from the issues of your marriage. You are in that honeymoon phase where he's the best thing on the planet. This isn't a reality...ALL intimate relationships end up going into a phase of predictability...and that's when the reality sets in and find out whether or not he's worth having in your life anymore.

 

Plus, it's only a matter of time until the other man bails on you and starts working his mojo on another woman...then you are left with nothing. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[jphcbpa]

"he is more religiously observant that me (this icludes quite serious

restrictions on life like special food at home, going to synangogue every

staurday morning, not driving on friday evenings/saturday daytime etc "

 

Guess having an affair with a married women is not high on his religious list??

 

Sorry I could not resist, but that really stood out to me. IMO, R's that start off in a lie are a lie.

[cl159]

Thanks AllTooWell

 

The truth hurts doesn't it... (but thank you for acknowledging that I'm in pain. I know I've made mistakes but it still hurts)

 

My boyfriend actually ended his previous relationship soon after I left my husband - but he wouldn't have done it if he didn't have me and if it meant being alone, so that supports what you say about codependence. I know this is a red flag.

 

I guess I had my head in the sand about it - and about a lot of things. What you say about emotional validation is definitely true. In my heart I know I need that, but that I really want it from my husband. I'm just not sure whether he can give it to me.

[cl159]

This....but also...

 

I would also cut off ties with the other man...and work on your severed marriage first. You just said you are developing feelings for him again. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Go back to the guy you took your vows with!!!!!

 

The other man looks good because he's an escape from the issues of your marriage. You are in that honeymoon phase where he's the best thing on the planet. This isn't a reality...ALL intimate relationships end up going into a phase of predictability...and that's when the reality sets in and find out whether or not he's worth having in your life anymore.

 

Plus, it's only a matter of time until the other man bails on you and starts working his mojo on another woman...then you are left with nothing. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Thanks for replying. You're right about escaping the issues. I need to face up to what's wrong in my marriage (and also my own issues - which I am, in therapy).

[cl159]

Guess having an affair with a married women is not high on his religious list??

 

Sorry I could not resist, but that really stood out to me. IMO, R's that start off in a lie are a lie.

 

It's a fair point.

 

Re the second part, I know what you mean. I do think there are real feelings between us, but I also feel that any future relationship would be tainted in some way by the way we started out. I guess I'm coming to my answer here...

[supaflyz]

You are involve in a love triangle. I don't know what advice to give you. I just feel sorry for all the people involve in this.

[MrRightNow]

Your husband is a saint for giving you another chance. I would have kicked you to the curb and never looked back. I wonder if he would want to reconcile if he knew your affair was physical. The best course of action would be to let your husband go so he can find someone who is emotionally stable and loyal. Take your chances with the new guy.

[cl159]

Your husband is a saint for giving you another chance. I would have kicked you to the curb and never looked back. I wonder if he would want to reconcile if he knew your affair was physical. The best course of action would be to let your husband go so he can find someone who is emotionally stable and loyal. Take your chances with the new guy.

 

I'm not sure if you read my whole post or just jumped on the fact that I had an affair. We have both made mistakes, and I admit to mine. If we were to try to reconcile, I would be completely honest about everything that has happened. My husband does now know that I am in a relationship (emotional and physical) with this man. I also know that my husband has been with other people, albeit briefly, during our separation. We have discussed that if we were to try again, we would need to see if we can both overcome this.

 

Also, there are reasons why I left my hsband in the first place - it wasn't a whim and it was nothing to do with having an affair. He neglected me emotionally and punished me for being unhappy and feeling down. He had anger and aggression problems that I tolerated (maybe I shouldn't have) for years. There is work to be done on both sides. There are no saints here.

[happydate]

You told us you had never been alone since you've married, and that you were really quick to find someone else to replace your husband when things don't go your way.

 

It sounded to me like you don't want to be alone. One thing you need to understand is that, no one and no man can complete you. Any man in your life can ONLY COMPLEMENT you. Which means, you need to be happy to be alone first before you go out and date or let alone marry someone which is you.

 

What you are looking now in these 2 men are qualities that you are lacking inside of you. But they can not fill that void permanently as you will develop more emotional void as life goes on. Soon, these 2 men will not be enough for you. You'll go looking for another man, and then another and then another and then eventually become what men called women as cum buckets. There are men are out there who are hunters for you and know how to make you feel good by making you believe he can complete you only to get inside your pants. They know you're running away after the honeymoon phase, so is this a life you want to be living?

 

I've dated women who are still in this phase of denial going into their late 40s and 50s. They never want to heal themselves by discovering who they really are. They don't want to be alone for awhile. So they fill themselves with men who use them for sex and games.

 

Don't go down that path is what I'm saying to you. When you are healed and know who you really are is when you attract great men who will treat you right.

[lula69]

I can relate. I have been there. I feel the feeling of the various responses. When I first turned up (on a supposedly supportive forum) I was hammered by hate. Don't know if that is the different culture of the forum or because I am a man.

 

Anyway, since then (>3 years) I have read and heard a lot and experienced my little bit. I'd say, first, don't play a show of regret and insight, to please others and to avoid the risk of being shamed by others. You can chose to live your life how you want to, anything is possible and many people do many things. You task is to use this wake-up call to integrate your personality. It's not about what you resolve doing, not about what you say to yourself and others, what matters is who you are. You need to see the parts you don't like as well. Not beating yourself up over them, but integrating them into your being and your best choices.

 

I see a lot of what is happening to you is very common. Including that you think it's very special.

 

One thing I can see is a certain re-interpretation of history and a little smoke and mirrors how you line up the facts. You are quick to find relief that your H did have some things going after you separated. But you are a bit muddy staying focused on the fact that you separated after you started connecting with that guy at work. Don't push around the responsibility and guilt buck. You are really doing it, listing all the things he has failed you, some of them very stereotypical demonetization of men. Women want to be understood and carried, but only if they can understand and carry themselves can they maintain their part in a relationship.

 

Yes, for any marriage that breaks, there were 2 to tango. And it's paramount for you to understand your responsibility to what went down. Not so much to beat yourself up or make a show of regret, but rather to understand what you should have done differently and what you will do differently in the future so that you do your part to make any future relationship (with whomever) a success. I guarantee you, despite your having identified a good number of issues in your H, you are not done having identified your own issues. And your therapist most likely won't tell you and the timeline shows that the therapy has enabled you to start the affair -- that is not a verdict on good/bad, but simply what transpires from your timeline of mere facts. And lest it is unclear: I guarantee you this affair was not your first or even biggest mistake you made in this relationship.

 

It is very, very, very difficult to get out of a love triangle. In my own experience. When you get really involved with another person, the damage in yourself may be beyond repair. Even a flight of sympathy or vibe that you might have felt for your H for a moment, it pales before the power you feel about the new relationship. And that isn't saying ANYTHING about the 2 people you are with, it says something about yourself and just how love works.

 

There may be no chance of going back because you are both far enough not to want any sham. And I think the issue here should NOT be if you can trust him not to be a bad H again, but rather if you can trust yourself to be a good W. BUT, but, but, that is where this whole thing about being a "good" wife and woman needs to be pealed apart like an onion. You are in this mess because that was not clear.

 

I don't think you are capable to just return by willpower. You need to get over the other man. In all likelihood he is (a) not that special, (b) will turn out not to be all you ever wanted (unlike what you believe now), and © turn out with quite similar traits to your H. You will know that only when you actually jump into the relationship with him more, when you can stop blaming the problems on your still pending issues with you H.

 

I am writing too much already. If you don't do anything else, do one thing: read the 2 books by Michelle Langley, Women's Infidelity I (Living in Limbo) and II (Breaking out of Limbo). Buy at her web site, womensinfidelity.com, the e-book is really affordable, and I have read piles and piles before I found hers and hers was eye opening to me in understanding women and myself. This should be setting the basis for you to understand what is going on. There is also Mira Kirshenbaum, When Good People Have Affairs, but I think Michelle Langley is more important and more directly useful.

Edited August 5, 2013 by lula69

[cl159]

I can relate. I have been there. I feel the feeling of the various responses. When I first turned up (on a supposedly supportive forum) I was hammered by hate. Don't know if that is the different culture of the forum or because I am a man.

 

Anyway, since then (>3 years) I have read and heard a lot and experienced my little bit. I'd say, first, don't play a show of regret and insight, to please others and to avoid the risk of being shamed by others. You can chose to live your life how you want to, anything is possible and many people do many things. You task is to use this wake-up call to integrate your personality. It's not about what you resolve doing, not about what you say to yourself and others, what matters is who you are. You need to see the parts you don't like as well. Not beating yourself up over them, but integrating them into your being and your best choices.

 

I see a lot of what is happening to you is very common. Including that you think it's very special.

 

One thing I can see is a certain re-interpretation of history and a little smoke and mirrors how you line up the facts. You are quick to find relief that your H did have some things going after you separated. But you are a bit muddy staying focused on the fact that you separated after you started connecting with that guy at work. Don't push around the responsibility and guilt buck. You are really doing it, listing all the things he has failed you, some of them very stereotypical demonetization of men. Women want to be understood and carried, but only if they can understand and carry themselves can they maintain their part in a relationship.

 

Yes, for any marriage that breaks, there were 2 to tango. And it's paramount for you to understand your responsibility to what went down. Not so much to beat yourself up or make a show of regret, but rather to understand what you should have done differently and what you will do differently in the future so that you do your part to make any future relationship (with whomever) a success. I guarantee you, despite your having identified a good number of issues in your H, you are not done having identified your own issues. And your therapist most likely won't tell you and the timeline shows that the therapy has enabled you to start the affair -- that is not a verdict on good/bad, but simply what transpires from your timeline of mere facts. And lest it is unclear: I guarantee you this affair was not your first or even biggest mistake you made in this relationship.

 

It is very, very, very difficult to get out of a love triangle. In my own experience. When you get really involved with another person, the damage in yourself may be beyond repair. Even a flight of sympathy or vibe that you might have felt for your H for a moment, it pales before the power you feel about the new relationship. And that isn't saying ANYTHING about the 2 people you are with, it says something about yourself and just how love works.

 

There may be no chance of going back because you are both far enough not to want any sham. And I think the issue here should NOT be if you can trust him not to be a bad H again, but rather if you can trust yourself to be a good W. BUT, but, but, that is where this whole thing about being a "good" wife and woman needs to be pealed apart like an onion. You are in this mess because that was not clear.

 

I don't think you are capable to just return by willpower. You need to get over the other man. In all likelihood he is (a) not that special, (b) will turn out not to be all you ever wanted (unlike what you believe now), and © turn out with quite similar traits to your H. You will know that only when you actually jump into the relationship with him more, when you can stop blaming the problems on your still pending issues with you H.

 

I am writing too much already. If you don't do anything else, do one thing: read the 2 books by Michelle Langley, Women's Infidelity I (Living in Limbo) and II (Breaking out of Limbo). Buy at her web site, womensinfidelity.com, the e-book is really affordable, and I have read piles and piles before I found hers and hers was eye opening to me in understanding women and myself. This should be setting the basis for you to understand what is going on. There is also Mira Kirshenbaum, When Good People Have Affairs, but I think Michelle Langley is more important and more directly useful.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and balanced reply. It's one of the most helpful things anyone has said to me in the past few months.

 

What you say about 'integrating' my personality really resonates - I never thought about it like that before but I haven't accepted all the parts of myself and I haven't really 'owned' my actions or feelings. The part about re-interpreting history is spot-on too. I don't even realise that I do it, but after I read your post I went and re-read mine and I could see what you meant.

 

I went to Michelle Langley's website and was stunned by what I read - it felt like she was talking about me. Now I see (with some surprise, and maybe some relief?) that my situation isn't so unusual after all.

 

A lot of my problems stem from wanting to be 'a perfect wife' and being in real denial about certain aspects of my personality or behaviour. I think I'm ready to start working on developing a more realistic view of myself. And I'm ready to take responsibility too.

 

Today I am moving out (I have been staying with the person with whom I had an affair for the past 2 months since he had a major operation and needed looking after - although I was quite happy to be there) and going to my parents. I know in my heart that I should end this relationship but I also know that only if I have space will I find the strength to do it. Reading about the 'chemical state' of love really struck a chord - rationally, I know that I am in the honeymoon phase and I am already seeing the flaws and issues in the relationship, but I am still finding it hard to turn my back on it.

 

I know that if I decide to attend marriage counselling with my husband to see if we can resolve our issues, I will need to: a) cut all ties with this new man b) be completely honest with my husband (and myself) about everything that happened c) continue to work on my own issues with my eyes open d) develop a sense of being ok in myself, exterior to a relationship (that is, not to be defined by a relationship or NEED to be in one) e) accept that in the short term at least, I will probably have feelings of loss for the man I had an affair with.

 

I feel like if I commit myself fully to these things and to my husband, and we both work hard to re-establish an honest, open relationship, then there might be hope for us.

 

Am I dreaming?