Do I owe a girl I've been dating only a few weeks an in-person end?

[Stargazer111]

Like the title suggests, we're not in a relationship, we've been dating a couple of weeks, and I don't want to continue anymore. I won't pull the fade out, I'd like to tell her straight up that I'm not going to continue seeing her and why. I think most people appreciate the directness.

 

So if you were this girl, would you prefer to hear this in person, say over one last coffee? Or does a phone call or online suffice?

[Ordinaryday]

You don't owe anyone anything. Just send a text message and be on your way.

[Ordinaryday]

I've always hated in person dumpings more than anything. for one, the dumpee will have a million and one questions that you can't possibly answer, and even if you can answer them, the answers will just raise more questions and so on -

 

"but why can't we give it another try?" "because I just don't feel anything anymore" "but we can try harder! we can make it work" "I'm sorry, I just feel we would be better apart" "But you don't mean that, you only think you do! let's give it another shot" and so on.

 

do it over the phone or text or simply do the old "ignore until they get the hint" trick

[Ordinaryday]

Why, so she can be posting on this very forum in a few weeks asking "Why did he pull a disappearing act?". Now that's just damn cowardly.

 

There's all different views about breakups and no matter how it is done someone will say that it is the cowardly crappy way out.

[Stargazer111]

I was definitely leaning towards in-person before the thread, and I think that's what I need to do.

 

In this case I think I'd actually welcome the million questions because it's not so much I don't like her anymore - I really do - but I don't feel her interest level in me is very high, and it's just getting frustrating. And I've got too much going on at work etc. to deal with non-straightforward dating. Only reason I even thought of online is to get it done and off my mind, as I've spend way too much time/energy thinking about this situation.

 

So yea, in person, and if it turns into a discussion with her and I get some answers too, then great.

 

But yea, advising the fade out? I'm shocked at that response too. Has anyone who had someone else pull the fade out on them enjoyed the experience? No I guess I don't "owe" anyone anything, but being direct is just the decent thing to do.

Edited August 1, 2013 by Stargazer111

[Ordinaryday]

I was definitely leaning towards in-person before the thread, and I think that's what I need to do.

 

In this case I think I'd actually welcome the million questions because it's not so much I don't like her anymore - I really do - but I don't feel her interest level in me is very high, and it's just getting frustrating. And I've got too much going on at work etc. to deal with non-straightforward dating.

 

If this turns into a discussion with her and I get some answers too, then great.

 

But yea, advising the fade out? I'm shocked at that response too. Has anyone who had someone else pull the fade out on them enjoyed the experience? No I guess I don't "owe" anyone anything, but being direct is just the decent thing to do.

 

At least tell her over the phone that you are going to dump her before the meeting. I was FURIOUS at my ex when she dumped me in person because I spent a lot of money in petrol travelling to meet her for what I thought was just another date, and it took a lot of time and effort for me to meet up with her. Had I known in person that she was just going to dump me I never would have bothered making the trip.

 

I'm deadly serious

[Stargazer111]

At least tell her over the phone that you are going to dump her before the meeting. I was FURIOUS at my ex when she dumped me in person because I spent a lot of money in petrol travelling to meet her for what I thought was just another date, and it took a lot of time and effort for me to meet up with her. Had I known in person that she was just going to dump me I never would have bothered making the trip.

 

I'm deadly serious

 

Good advice. I hadn't thought of that, but I agree to give her a heads up and see if she even wants to have a talk in person.

[Stargazer111]

If they only went out with each other a few times and nothing sexual happened past kissing she would probably appreciate not being put on the spot and told "I don't like you."

 

You bluntly reject a girl with "I'm not into you, I don't see you like that" or what ever and they may take it as an insult. Wish you did the fade out. Than they just start saying weird stuff like "I didn't like you either I'm so relieved" or worse.

 

I mean if she's calling him and asking him out which I doubt she will do, than sure be straight with her and say something along the lines of "you're not the girl for me I don't feel the chemistry I'm very flattered by your interest though" but if he can just stop contacting her and that works than it's for the best. Not cowardly at all.

 

Hm, OK I see your point now.

 

I think most people would agree that fading out on someone who actively tries to connect with you is both rude and cowardly. But in rare situations, if it's obvious that there's not much mutual interest, perhaps fading out isn't so wrong.

 

Still not doing that myself though!

[Ordinaryday]

Hm, OK I see your point now.

 

I think most people would agree that fading out on someone who actively tries to connect with you is both rude and cowardly. But in rare situations, if it's obvious that there's not much mutual interest, perhaps fading out isn't so wrong.

 

Still not doing that myself though!

 

tell her in advance, over the phone, that you are dumping her and offer to meet her in person to discuss it, if she wishes. don't just make her waste her time going out to meet you and then dump her.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Don't do the fade out. Not because you "owe" her anything. Because you're the kind of person that respects other people.

 

Giving the option is nice. Maybe call her up and say that you're not sure it's working out for you and you'd like to stop dating, and that if she needs answers you're up for meeting up.

[Ordinaryday]

Don't do the fade out. Not because you "owe" her anything. Because you're the kind of person that respects other people.

 

Giving the option is nice. Maybe call her up and say that you're not sure it's working out for you and you'd like to stop dating, and that if she needs answers you're up for meeting up.

 

In some ways doing the fade out can be seen as an act of kindness. why? Because it allows them TO HATE YOU and think that you are a jerk and it is a lot easier to get over someone you hate than it is to get over someone you love, so it helps to move on.

 

But if you break up in a "nice" way and are "nice" to them then they are still going to miss you and want to be with you and will thus pine over you for months and really really hurt because YOU WERE NICE TO THEM which makes it harder for them to get over you.

 

But if you just to the "ignore til they get the hint" it ALLOWS THEM TO HATE YOU which makes it A LOT EASIER to get over you.

 

I imagine everyone here will disagree but there is an expression "you have to be cruel to be kind" and it can definitely apply here. Dumping them in a heartless manner will allow them to get over you easier... and that is the kindest thing a dumper can do.

[forgetmenot75]

Text or call. Make her go meet you just to hear she's been dumped its rude.

[Ordinaryday]

Text or call. Make her go meet you just to hear she's been dumped its rude.

 

Thank you!!! Finally someone who sees it my way! I consider my time to be valuable (even when I am doing nothing) and I would NEVER waste even a moment of my time to take a trip to meet up with a woman only to hear I am getting dumped. any time I have been dumped in person I have always thought, and said, "couldn't you have at least had the courtesy to dump me over the phone so I didn't waste my time coming out here to meet you"

[NomiMalone]

+1 for being upfront, which means phone call, followed by an offer to meet up.

 

My first "relationship" (inverted commas because it lasted only a few months) was ended via a fade out, on his part, and it took me forever to move on, because I first had to first take time to register that I'd been dumped. That was around 5 years ago, and to this day I refuse to answer his texts and calls. It was cowardly and it taught me the importance of ending a relationship upfront, even though it sometimes is the hardest thing to do.

[Ordinaryday]

+1 for being upfront, which means phone call, followed by an offer to meet up.

 

My first "relationship" (inverted commas because it lasted only a few months) was ended via a fade out, on his part, and it took me forever to move on, because I first had to first take time to register that I'd been dumped. That was around 5 years ago, and to this day I refuse to answer his texts and calls. It was cowardly and it taught me the importance of ending a relationship upfront, even though it sometimes is the hardest thing to do.

 

"refuse to answer his texts and calls"? so even after dumping you via the fade out he still tried to stay in touch????

 

NONE of my dumpers ever tried to stay in touch, even though they all claimed they wanted to "stay friends". I did hear from a few of them down the line but it was never about reconciling or "being friends", it was just a useless "hi how are you?" breadcrumb that went nowhere.

[lukekarts]

In this instance, go about ending it in the normal method of communication you have with said person. If you text or call, either will be fine. It hasn't been long enough for it to be a complete shock. Fading out would be harsher.

[Stargazer111]

You know fading out in your situation may be perfect. You said the reason you're breaking up is because you don't think she likes you. Do you see where I'm going with this. She might call you!

 

Also going to her and saying you don't like me or anything that communicates something like that is gong to be really lame. If she does like you it could get her to stop liking you, and if she doesn't like you it's annoying and won't get her to start.

 

If she's going out on dates with you what makes you want to leave her thinking she doesn't like you? Do you think she's seeing other guys? Have you kissed her?

What makes me feel she doesn't like me? It's been very hot and cold with her. The hot: We kissed on our first date and moved pretty quickly since; 1 date in particular was very romantic, went over 6 hours and ended in a park with a bottle of wine and lots of cuddling and kissing. She tells me at the end of every date that she had a great time.

 

And the cold: In between there's nothing. No just-because interactions ever initiated by her, she consistently takes hours or a day to answer to a text (and I'm not blowing up her phone, just a text on average every 3rd day). And she even won't accept my friend request on Facebook from 2 weeks ago which I just plain don't understand, and I know she's a fairly active user.

 

So yea, hot dates, but otherwise she doesn't act like she's interested at all. This is making me really unfocused at work because I spend too much time thinking about this situation, so something's got to change or I'm going to drive myself nuts!

 

I am conflicted though because I like her a lot and want to keep seeing her, just not in this non-straightforward way.

Edited August 1, 2013 by Stargazer111

[aloneinaz]

What makes me feel she doesn't like me? It's been very hot and cold with her. The hot: We kissed on our first date and moved pretty quickly since; 1 date in particular was very romantic, went over 6 hours and ended in a park with a bottle of wine and lots of cuddling and kissing. She tells me at the end of every date that she had a great time.

 

And the cold: In between there's nothing. No just-because interactions ever initiated by her, she consistently takes hours or a day to answer to a text (and I'm not blowing up her phone, just a text on average every 3rd day). And she even won't accept my friend request on Facebook from 2 weeks ago which I just plain don't understand, and I know she's a fairly active user.

 

So yea, hot dates, but otherwise she doesn't act like she's interested at all. This is making me really unfocused at work because I spend too much time thinking about this situation, so something's got to change or I'm going to drive myself nuts!

 

I am conflicted though because I like her a lot and want to keep seeing her, just not in this non-straightforward way.

 

Her behavior is BS. If she's not contacting you in between dates, I'd simply stop contacting her. If you don't hear from her again, you know that she wasn't that into you. If you do hear from her again, then tell her on the phone that you're not sure this is working for you. When she asks why, tell her exactly what you said above and that this kind of behavior from her is a deal breaker for you. She'll either say, see ya or she'll make a promise to change.

 

I don't see any reason to meet her in person to break up with her. You're not in a relationship nor are you committed to her either.

[dontgiveanef]

I would definitely say send her a text at least! Or calling her would be more respectful.

 

I went out with some chick for 4 months and she just ignored me till i figured out it was over. That type of thing is just degrading and disrespectful - Be the better person and give her a heads up dude. Text her atleast she has some closure!

[stevedex]

Face to face, if its only a few weeks, I have always ended it this way , if you have no feelings for that person , except are finding it hard to drop them then man up and end it, you don't need to answer questions , its about what you want at the end of the day , they will find their own closure.

If your dithering whether to tell someone or not after a few weeks or whether to just fade out , then you've not chance of ending an established relationship (how many of us have ended a long term relationship face to face with no friend in the background ?), you,l probably wriggle and worm out and your ex will become a "part of the walking wounded" who post on here, like we all have been ...lol.!