Why are people so concerned about 'how' they get dumped???

[Ordinaryday]

I have seen it a lot on this board, and others. People who got dumped complain about the way it happened - "I can't believe they would dump me by text" and "how could they dump me by email. We'd been on three dates! It should have been face to face" and so on.

 

I don't get it. Bottom line is, when you are dumped they are telling you they no longer want you in their life - how it is done is irrelevant. People seem to think they are 'owed' a face to face dumping in which the dumper meets up with them in person and grants them the 'respect' of kicking them out of their life face to face, instead of by text.

 

I have been dumped this way, and I always hated it the most. One woman who did it, well she gave me no indication that she was planning on dumping me beforehand and we met up and then she gave me the boot - I was annoyed because I had turned down a shift at work to meet her and when she gave me the boot my first thought was "why did you make me go to all the effort of meeting you in person only to dump me? why not do it by text?" and she responded that she felt doing it in person was the "right" thing to do - i asked her what on earth was "right" about it and she basically responded, in a round about way, that she didn't want to feel bad about doing it and by doing it in person was a way for her to think she did the "right" thing and absolve her of any guilty feelings.

 

Oh, spare me!

 

Bottom line is you are being dumped. obviously some ways hurt more than others but rather than focus on HOW you got dumped I think people should focus on the fact that they GOT dumped and not obsess over the fact that they didn't do it the way you wanted.

 

One girl "dumped" me by simply not returning my texts after a date until I got the hint - I thought it was harsh but it sent a clear message that she wasn't interested and there was no 'final' talk or dumper cliches, nothing. i preferred it that way.

 

why do people obsess over HOW they got dumped?

[lukekarts]

I have seen it a lot on this board, and others. People who got dumped complain about the way it happened - "I can't believe they would dump me by text" and "how could they dump me by email. We'd been on three dates! It should have been face to face" and so on.

 

I don't get it. Bottom line is, when you are dumped they are telling you they no longer want you in their life - how it is done is irrelevant. People seem to think they are 'owed' a face to face dumping in which the dumper meets up with them in person and grants them the 'respect' of kicking them out of their life face to face, instead of by text.

 

I have been dumped this way, and I always hated it the most. One woman who did it, well she gave me no indication that she was planning on dumping me beforehand and we met up and then she gave me the boot - I was annoyed because I had turned down a shift at work to meet her and when she gave me the boot my first thought was "why did you make me go to all the effort of meeting you in person only to dump me? why not do it by text?" and she responded that she felt doing it in person was the "right" thing to do - i asked her what on earth was "right" about it and she basically responded, in a round about way, that she didn't want to feel bad about doing it and by doing it in person was a way for her to think she did the "right" thing and absolve her of any guilty feelings.

 

Oh, spare me!

 

Bottom line is you are being dumped. obviously some ways hurt more than others but rather than focus on HOW you got dumped I think people should focus on the fact that they GOT dumped and not obsess over the fact that they didn't do it the way you wanted.

 

One girl "dumped" me by simply not returning my texts after a date until I got the hint - I thought it was harsh but it sent a clear message that she wasn't interested and there was no 'final' talk or dumper cliches, nothing. i preferred it that way.

 

why do people obsess over HOW they got dumped?

 

I don't think people obsess over how they get dumped, it's just part of the overall process.

 

Obviously your post was made almost immediately after mine, as you've even made a clear reference as to how I was dumped.

 

I don't know. The biggest thing for me is being dumped; but still my values as a human being is that face to face is more important and respectful than anything else.

 

And its still the most highly valued contact in human culture, whether it is socially or at work. There's a pretty standard set of principles human's have established. You might agree a meeting by email or text, but you do your business in the meeting.

 

When you live with someone, and they chose an alternate means to break up with you than the opportunity they have every day, it accentuates the pain. I'm not quite sure how you can't see that. Breaking up is horrible but to do it with no dignity or respect for the other person is pretty callous and makes it even harder to deal with, especially if it is out of character.

[Ordinaryday]

I don't think people obsess over how they get dumped, it's just part of the overall process.

 

Obviously your post was made almost immediately after mine, as you've even made a clear reference as to how I was dumped.

 

I don't know. The biggest thing for me is being dumped; but still my values as a human being is that face to face is more important and respectful than anything else.

 

And its still the most highly valued contact in human culture, whether it is socially or at work. There's a pretty standard set of principles human's have established. You might agree a meeting by email or text, but you do your business in the meeting.

 

When you live with someone, and they chose an alternate means to break up with you than the opportunity they have every day, it accentuates the pain. I'm not quite sure how you can't see that. Breaking up is horrible but to do it with no dignity or respect for the other person is pretty callous and makes it even harder to deal with, especially if it is out of character.

 

I actually did not make this thread in response to yours, I made it because it is a very common topic on this board and I had not even seen your post when I was typing it.

 

This is an unpopular view but I actually believe the NICEST way to dump someone is to do it as nastily as possible - because doing it that way makes it easy for them to hate you and it is a lot easier to get over someone you hate than it is for you to get over someone you love.

 

you have to be cruel to be kind.

[lukekarts]

The other thing I would mention is that this is completely dependent on the context.

 

If you've been dating for a couple of weeks, the method should be as personal as the relationship. So if it was still inpersonal, a text message or an email may suffice.

 

After several months, the context may change.

 

Long-term relationships, where couples are living together or have clearly had a deep and meaningful relationship almost certainly warrant face to face contact to end the relationship.

[lukekarts]

I actually did not make this thread in response to yours, I made it because it is a very common topic on this board and I had not even seen your post when I was typing it.

 

This is an unpopular view but I actually believe the NICEST way to dump someone is to do it as nastily as possible - because doing it that way makes it easy for them to hate you and it is a lot easier to get over someone you hate than it is for you to get over someone you love.

 

you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

I don't think the 'being cruel to be kind' thing works, necessarily. It just leaves more questions unanswered, which some people can find harder to deal with.

 

I personally would like clear and concise reasons for why a relationship has ended rather than the confusion of a) what has happened and b) how it has happened.

 

I don't think hate makes things easier at all, especially when there is such a thin line between love and hate.

[Ordinaryday]

I don't think the 'being cruel to be kind' thing works, necessarily. It just leaves more questions unanswered, which some people can find harder to deal with.

 

I personally would like clear and concise reasons for why a relationship has ended rather than the confusion of a) what has happened and b) how it has happened.

 

I don't think hate makes things easier at all, especially when there is such a thin line between love and hate.

 

"clear and concise reasons"! I completely agree! That is another reason I hate being dumped in person, because they ALWAYS lie to me about why they are dumping me - it is always "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" (a complete lie, because I heard through a friend that she was with another guy already when she dumped me), "I think we would be better off as friends" (if she wants to be 'friends' so much how come I never heard from her again after being dumped?), "it's not you, it's me" (OH PLEASE!) and so on.

 

all obviously complete lies. they think they are doing the "right" thing by dumping me in person but they still don't have the courtesy to give me the truth.

[Legatus]

Well for me personally it was about the fact that I always try to do things in civilized way. I expected the same courtesy from my ex, to tell me she wanted out and then we would part on good terms and could be talking now. But lying for months, pretending to be happy couple and then finding a reason to explode and cheat, and then having no decency to finish things properly?

 

It all stinks and the stink sticks to the dumpee unfortunately. Sometimes for long time. Break-up is not necessarily a bad thing, if people come to the same conclusion, and I probably would as well, but the way I was dumped made me question everything and go mad..

 

I would much prefer to break by talking and communicating that it's not working out, instead of playing games, lies - just to be told in the end that it was done to protect me (!!)..

 

You're saying the nicest way to dump someone is nasty way. Well if you are a person who operates on hate then it's true. I don't. I wouldn't mind talking to my ex now, but because of all she's done and how she's done - I simply can't.

 

The nastiness somehow transforms into questions and moreover many people can tell it's "not like him/her" and realize it's some kind of game. Another game, another set of questions.. and another.. and another...

[Mrfr]

It hurts being dumped by text. It makes you think that not only do they not want to be with you they don't care about your feelings.

[Ordinaryday]

It hurts being dumped by text. It makes you think that not only do they not want to be with you they don't care about your feelings.

 

I don't care whether or not they care about my feelings because I am no longer with them. Awhile back I was dumped by a woman with the old "just ignore him until he gets the hint" approach, which I thought was harsh but it showed me what kind of person she was.

 

for a few weeks after that I used to run through scenarios in my mind of what I would say and do if I bumped into her in the street and what I would say to seem cool and that I was 'over' her and what not. Then a few months later I realised that like her I did not care anymore.

 

If I was to see her in the street, provided that I ever recognised her (we only went out three times and it was over a year ago, I have no photos of her) I would say nothing, do nothing, just walk straight past her without a second glance, because she is absolutely nothing to me.

 

her ignoring me sent the clearest message, what else is there? that kind of dumping is final

[lukekarts]

I don't care whether or not they care about my feelings because I am no longer with them. Awhile back I was dumped by a woman with the old "just ignore him until he gets the hint" approach, which I thought was harsh but it showed me what kind of person she was.

 

for a few weeks after that I used to run through scenarios in my mind of what I would say and do if I bumped into her in the street and what I would say to seem cool and that I was 'over' her and what not. Then a few months later I realised that like her I did not care anymore.

 

If I was to see her in the street, provided that I ever recognised her (we only went out three times and it was over a year ago, I have no photos of her) I would say nothing, do nothing, just walk straight past her without a second glance, because she is absolutely nothing to me.

 

her ignoring me sent the clearest message, what else is there? that kind of dumping is final

 

I can understand that behaviour in that scenario.

 

But do you think the same behaviour is really appropriate after say a 10 year relationship where you are living together?

[Mrfr]

I don't care whether or not they care about my feelings because I am no longer with them. Awhile back I was dumped by a woman with the old "just ignore him until he gets the hint" approach, which I thought was harsh but it showed me what kind of person she was.

 

for a few weeks after that I used to run through scenarios in my mind of what I would say and do if I bumped into her in the street and what I would say to seem cool and that I was 'over' her and what not. Then a few months later I realised that like her I did not care anymore.

 

If I was to see her in the street, provided that I ever recognised her (we only went out three times and it was over a year ago, I have no photos of her) I would say nothing, do nothing, just walk straight past her without a second glance, because she is absolutely nothing to me.

 

her ignoring me sent the clearest message, what else is there? that kind of dumping is final

 

Splitting up with someone is no reason to be mean. We shared so much over the last 3 years and a text just makes the pain worse.

[aloneinaz]

OP, I don't agree that you get "dumped" after only a few dates. To me, getting dumped is when you're in a relationship or have committed to only dating them at the beginning (first month or two). If I have only dated a person a handful of times and they suddenly disappear then to me it was not a good match or fit. The same thing after a first date. If they don't reply to me then I know it wasn't a good fit for them but I certainly don't take that personal of feel "dumped"..

 

I think people are often in denial when they do get dumped as to how healthy the relationship was before it ended. Most posters here ALWAYS state "we didn't fight, we got along great, etc".. In most cases, this isn't the truth. Relationships start to get stale or they lose their spark and one or the other loses interest until they end it.

 

I'd be willing to bet if you polled 100 dumpees a year after being dumped, a high percentage of them would say they are glad to be out of the relationship they were dumped from. They've had time to reflect on the relationship once the hurt, shock and pain eased and come to the conclusion that it wasn't a good fit for them either.

 

To me, the biggest part of being dumped is the rejection. It isn't necessarily not being with the person anymore or the end of the relationship. It's the realization that someone rejected you and doesn't want you in their life anymore. I'm almost 9 weeks since my toxic relationship ended. I don't miss her. She was a raging bitch the last several months of the relationship. I have a new girl and Im still sorting thru being rejected, thats the only lingering thing for me..

[mtnbiker3000]

I'd be willing to bet if you polled 100 dumpees a year after being dumped, a high percentage of them would say they are glad to be out of the relationship they were dumped from. They've had time to reflect on the relationship once the hurt, shock and pain eased and come to the conclusion that it wasn't a good fit for them either.

 

Bet you're right. I know this is the case for me. After all of the pedestalizing I did early on, I can now boil down my RS to three statements:

 

1. She didn't care for me

2. She didn't respect me

3. She didn't love me

 

Why would I be sad about losing that?

 

To me, the biggest part of being dumped is the rejection. It isn't necessarily not being with the person anymore or the end of the relationship. It's the realization that someone rejected you and doesn't want you in their life anymore. I'm almost 9 weeks since my toxic relationship ended. I don't miss her. She was a raging bitch the last several months of the relationship. I have a new girl and Im still sorting thru being rejected, thats the only lingering thing for me..

 

Me too!!!! I have posted about this many, many times This is the first person I ever gave 100% of myself to. Held nothing back. Put it all out there. Put my balls in the vice and prayed she didn't start turning the handle. Well, she did. After 3 years, she finally looked at what I was offering, and said 'no thanks'. That shyte still stings 5 months later...

[stevedex]

I think its all dependant on how long you have been dating, if its only a few weeks , I always have done it face to face, "look im not ready do date just yet, im still rebounding from my ex , soz to waste your tine ,,," or can we still remain friends ?" Sometimes they have text after, but I ignore it, bottom line, theres no easy way to tell someone your just not that into them.

Ive been dumped several times , from fading out to , cut out, to being told face to face , none of its very pleasant, but every cloud has a silver lining ! " Its not you its me", that's one that speaks volumes..lol ! If you have been with someone months or years then they break up with you , its usually because they have found someone else, nobody I have known in an established relationship has ended it without a back up plan.

If you've been dumped , yes its crappy, but see it like theyre doing you a favour.

[reddragon588]

Everyone is different. Some people can get over a long term relationship in days, some take months. While it may not matter to you, for me it is important. I personally think that technology has really clouded people's personal skills and I think that the value of face to face interaction has been lost. Even if it is painful, a breakup is something that is important, and I believe that important things should be done in person.

[aloneinaz]

Bet you're right. I know this is the case for me. After all of the pedestalizing I did early on, I can now boil down my RS to three statements:

 

1. She didn't care for me

2. She didn't respect me

3. She didn't love me

 

Why would I be sad about losing that?

 

 

 

Me too!!!! I have posted about this many, many times This is the first person I ever gave 100% of myself to. Held nothing back. Put it all out there. Put my balls in the vice and prayed she didn't start turning the handle. Well, she did. After 3 years, she finally looked at what I was offering, and said 'no thanks'. That shyte still stings 5 months later...

 

Quote; put my balls in a vise! Love it!!

 

MB, you're also right on point with your top 3 above as well.. I think that's well put. You know, I've spent a lot of time reflecting back on this failed relationship looking for ownership on my part of it failing. I think anytime you fail at something, you have to see what you can learn from it so as to not hopefully repeat the same things in the next relationship.

 

As I mentioned before, this is my first experience being dumped from a long term relationship. I'm learning as I go. I'm grateful for this site and the whole NC thing as well. I'm glad to hear you've picked yourself up MB, dusted yourself off and came to the realization that you don't want someone in your life that doesn't want you.

 

Hows the dating going?

[Delilah1623]

I don't think it's so such HOW you get dumped. It's more the respect that you are shown during the process. If you have been together in a exclusive committed relationship and there was no cheating or abuse I think the breakup should be shown the same respect as the relationship. To me that's and an in person break up with an honest discussion.

[NoMoreJerks]

I would expect that a decent person would respect me enough to give me an hour of his time to explain his reasons for ending the relationship and give me some closure. It's just about respect. But people who don't give me that sort of respect only confirm that they were not worth the time, effort, energy, and love I put into the 'relationship.' I feel the same way about my ex. At the end of the day, it's a demonstration of one's character and usually, people who are so self-centered and don't give a toss about your feelings will go ahead and end things without an explanation or via text, etc. These people are cowards, and they show that they never cared about you. If they had, especially if they've been with you for over a year, they would've given you that sort of respect/closure. But it's all about them, them, them, it's all about what they want, how they want it, when they want it. That's what it boils down to. Selfish, even narcissistic people who do not give a damn about anyone else.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think people care because they look for the glimmer of hope, at least initially, after being dumped. They wish they were dumped a different way because they feel it could be easier to reconcile that way, or they look at the way they were dumped and try to find encouragement and any reason that it might not really be over.

 

As for "cruel to be kind", that definitely works for me. The bigger the a--hole the dumper is to me, the easier it is for me to say "forget you" and roll onward. When I've dumped I've tried to be direct and a bit of a d--khead, with the logic being that they can blame the failed relationship on me instead of themselves. I honestly don't care if I'm the one blamed in that situation.

 

But not everyone is like that. Cruelty can cause more angst and confusion. There are several threads on this site from heartbroken posters who used a cruel breakup as the ultimate incrimination of them.

[Ordinaryday]

I think people care because they look for the glimmer of hope, at least initially, after being dumped. They wish they were dumped a different way because they feel it could be easier to reconcile that way, or they look at the way they were dumped and try to find encouragement and any reason that it might not really be over.

 

As for "cruel to be kind", that definitely works for me. The bigger the a--hole the dumper is to me, the easier it is for me to say "forget you" and roll onward. When I've dumped I've tried to be direct and a bit of a d--khead, with the logic being that they can blame the failed relationship on me instead of themselves. I honestly don't care if I'm the one blamed in that situation.

 

But not everyone is like that. Cruelty can cause more angst and confusion. There are several threads on this site from heartbroken posters who used a cruel breakup as the ultimate incrimination of them.

 

Mr Phoenix, I think you've got it. Most people feel they want it face to face because there is a small glimmer of hope that if they somehow might get the person to change their mind, they figure they if they handle the dumping well and smile and wish them all the best the person might change their mind if they put them on the spot.

 

But over text, it is a lot harder to 'guilt trip' the dumper or get them to change their mind because they can't see you and they can simpl ignore ur text which is easier than ignoring in person.

[Legatus]

@Ordinaryday

 

You can't tell absolutely that everyone wants to get dumped face to face in order to change their minds. And even if it was true - a person who cares has a right to do it.

 

It's the dumpers who are afraid to face them because they're unsure of their decision and are scared that they would change their minds.

 

When I met my ex 1.5month after break up, when she came over with new bf to pick her things up - it was the best thing she could do for me (of course she will never know it). I could tell her in face that I never wanted her after break-up, I only wanted to understand and then forget. She started sending me texts of how she doesn't know what she feels again. and if she hurts someone else (new bf) she will be devastated. I couldn't care less, I got my upper hand back, my dignity. She went her way and I could go my way without all the shi** involved before it..

 

Therefore I wouldn't go after people who get dumped by text/email/phone/facebook, but rather after people who make decisions and are afraid to stick to it, or just don't have decency to act properly. Yes it may be subjective but come on - human decency and being honest is as objectively right as it can be!

[NoMoreJerks]

@Ordinaryday

 

You can't tell absolutely that everyone wants to get dumped face to face in order to change their minds. And even if it was true - a person who cares has a right to do it.

 

It's the dumpers who are afraid to face them because they're unsure of their decision and are scared that they would change their minds.

 

When I met my ex 1.5month after break up, when she came over with new bf to pick her things up - it was the best thing she could do for me (of course she will never know it). I could tell her in face that I never wanted her after break-up, I only wanted to understand and then forget. She started sending me texts of how she doesn't know what she feels again. and if she hurts someone else (new bf) she will be devastated. I couldn't care less, I got my upper hand back, my dignity. She went her way and I could go my way without all the shi** involved before it..

 

Therefore I wouldn't go after people who get dumped by text/email/phone/facebook, but rather after people who make decisions and are afraid to stick to it, or just don't have decency to act properly. Yes it may be subjective but come on - human decency and being honest is as objectively right as it can be!

Yup, this. My ex did all his break-ups with me (all 3 of them!) via text and was super mean, blaming me, accusing me of being needy, naggy, moody, etc., but I did try to convince him to give us another chance, even if he did the dumping via text, so wanting it done face to face and with some more decency and respect is not about trying to change their minds (though the dumpee might want to try to change their minds). It's about being respected. It's hard enough being rejected, it's doubly worse if you are rejected in the most cruel way possible, because it's like saying that you're not even worth some effort on their part to end things in a decent way. Also, the claim that it's better for the dumper to be cruel, in order to shatter all hope of getting back together that the dumpee might still harbor, is a myth. First, most dumpees will accept that there's nothing to be done about it, even if they try to change the dumper's mind on the spot. I've done this before, but when he resisted my attempt, I backed off. So it wasn't the cruelty that shattered my hopes -- it's the fact that I saw that he wasn't going to change his mind. Second, cruel breakups might not always end up with the dumpee hating the dumper -- sometimes we end up wondering what WE did wrong and feel like we deserved that sort of treatment because we said or did something wrong. This is especially true if the ex was a narcissist who engaged in gaslighting, making you feel guilty, putting the blame on you for problems in the relationship, especially if there were problems in the weeks prior to the breakup. The worst thing is when they slowly fade out, leaving you on an emotional cliffhanger for weeks. Sure, I have felt very angry and bitter about the cruelty of such breakups, and hated the ex for it, but it didn't make it any easier to move on.

 

My ex was cruel in his break-ups because he was a coward and didn't want to take responsibility for being the cause of the break-up, or revealing that he had strung me along for months if not a year, despite not being serious about me. It's extremely rare that the dumper thinks about the dumpee and his/her feelings when deciding how to do the break-up. The decision on how to dump someone is usually made based on the dumper's comfort level and feelings and personality and have little to do with altruism or them wanting to help us move on.

Edited August 2, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Sugarkane]

Because being dumped out of the blue by text after a year, hurts a lot more than just a couple of dates (from experience). Then having been called psycho and crazy just for wanting answers why someone acts like a psychopath and does a 180, is just assholic. Finding out that your bf has been faking a relationship for months hurts a lot. People what I did on here to warrant this- but I never cheated and was always a good girlfriend. My ex was really cruel and a complete coward. I don't why it's always ok to be a complete Ahole just because your the dumper. It's rare to find one who isn't a liar and a cheater. I'm sick of being the only one who actually does the right thing despite being the dumpee, treat guys right, yet get dumped cruelly and the dumper never seems to regret it. Why is this?

Edited August 3, 2013 by Sugarkane

[Toremylifeaway]

Reading this actually frustrated me. I just got finished in over a 3 year relationship and got finished by text.

 

This was the most hurtful thing. Was a text all I was worth? Three years of being happy and all I received was a text telling me he doesn't love me. If he ever cared about me at all during the relationship he would have at least respectfully done it to my face so we can talk. Maybe not to work things out but get questions answered. Because it helps the healing process knowing what was wrong rather than over thinking and making up scenarios that kill you inside.

 

I'm currently suffering because I don't know anything. I feel worthless and that text was so impersonal it hurt.

 

That's why people can take it to heart so bad.

Edited August 3, 2013 by Toremylifeaway

[Sugarkane]

I hate it when the occasional person on here asks what you did to warrant this/ you should apologize, without obviously reading the OPs story. Why should? I'm not the one who dumps people by text and cuts them off without any reason forever. I'm not the one who lies, cheats and treats people like garbage.