mandm7872 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Long story short... 16yrs. together. 10 living together. 2 kids. She's cheated before. This is maybe a little different. maybe not... We talk about fantasies during sex. She has had sex with another and I watched/videoed it. We've done a 3some mfm with a friend once. These things have never been an issue. We(I thought) understood it's ok if we both know/are there, aware of it. We were having fun NYE morning and talked about having a guy we know come over. She called and asked him how big he was. He couldn't come over though. She see's him regularly at work as a convenience store clerk. Though over the six months since not much has been said about it. I asked, and there was never much she had to say about them talking about it etc... On a Saturday 2 months ago while I was away for the day. The two of them ended up in our basement sharing a "smoke." Keep in mind she had called me around an hour prior and new were I was. I was nearby and could have come home easily if called. Her story from there... He just pulled it out on her. She also said that he tried to kiss her and take her top off. Not sure before or after as she's very evasive about details. She says she told him no and pushed him away. Though, She said he was huge and he was getting hard, which admittedly has been an issue to a degree unfortunately. though has generally never been a major issue for us as we've always clearly had an great sex life. So she gave in. Says he stood up and she was gonna give a Bj but didn't like his taste. Then she bent over the couch but he couldn't get it in. He said she was "tight" but apparently had problems getting it in to know? She says that he then started to cum even though they never really got started. She rolled over on the couch but it was too late. Though she said he came for like 5min. He said he was sorry. She said it all happened in less than 10 min. They agreed it wasn't meant to be. When I came home that night we had sex. I noticed it felt a little different than normal but thought little if anything of it. It was noticeable enough to recall a couple days later. She told me about this at the end of the following night during sex. Safe time. I'm sure she knew I'd be turned on by it and not react to negatively right away. There's a bit more to the whole story but essentially thats it. When I later tried to talk to her about how odd and inconsistent her story was she was/is very defensive and will not allow a discussion about it so I can understand and get past it. This only raises my suspicion I am be deceived. She 6 weeks later explained that she never called and told me me what was going on because she was afraid of my reaction to how she might respond to a guy of his size. Though I don't completely buy this either as we've talked/fantasized about doing this. She never raised this concern obviously.(NYE) She also says if they really did have sex she'd have no problem telling me about it. Hmmm, then why did it take so long to admit why she avoided calling me about it that night?? Her reason she didn't call is that nothing really happened anyway. She wanted to call after and have me come home to "do" my slut wife. Whatever.... We never talked about this so it certainly wasn't ok. She denies that she was clear about that. So... opinions please. Keep in mind this is the abbreviated story. The main points are there though.
Author mandm7872 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I don't see any legitimate reason why she would've deceived you since you have essentially an open marriage to a degree. I doubt very seriously that she would've concocted an elaborate story. Our relationship is not "open" by any means. We've been open about our fantasies and played on em a few times in sixteen years together. That said, I do think she used it to manipulate the story. If it is in fact just a "story."
Author mandm7872 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Sounds bloody odd to me. I think there's definitely a lot of lies in there. And it sounds like she probably did fug him but anything beyond that is fantasy interpretation. A lot of it is just clearly such utter porno inspired bollocks. It also sounds very rape-y. Is that a fantasy for her? It's not BS. I know how it sounds. No "rape" is not a fantasy for her.
Thegameoflife Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 If you ask me, something happened during it all that would make you mad at the other guy, or her. Who knows what that could be. 1
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 My wife and I used to be very active swingers so I do understand many of the pros and cons of consensual nonmonogamy and I do not have any kind of knee-jerk reactions against it. That being said however, I do believe you are setting yourself up for her to be poached away and the sad part is you will be the one handing her over to her next man on a silver platter. The natural order of the male-female dynamic is for people to mate-guard their mates. When men mate-guard their women the women get a very strong subconscious sense of being valued, protected and cherished. It also makes her feel that you are strong and virile and protective and these are very attractive traits to women. This goes way down to the instinctive level and it doesn't matter how much people rationalize it away by saying things like trust and being nonpossessive etc etc. When you openly allow another man to have sex with your woman, even though she may like it and may agree to it and may even appreciate it, on a deep instinctual level her subconscious is viewing you as weak and passive and that you don't truly cherish, value and protect her. Your value and sex rank takes a nose dive in her subconscious every time you allow another man to have sex with her. That process is magnified a millionfold by letting her play alone. Now as a former swinger myself I understand the wild, "reclaiming" monkey sex that often comes after a play session. That however is just some left over hormone rush that comes from having sex with a new person. It's not a true attraction and desire for you. Since your nonmonogamy sounds like it is primarily her playing with other men while you either watch or are not there, your attractiveness to her and your sex rank in her eyes and her respect for you is dropping each time she plays. She is getting a hormone rush and a rush of excitement and stimulation from other guys and just like a drug addict building up a tolerance and a desire for more and more excitement, so is she. In time you will not be able to generate enough excitement and stimulation for her and she will begin to disrespect you and lose attraction and desire for you and she will begin to cheat and will eventually decide she isn't into you anymore and will leave. That process has already begun from just what you have said here. She is already starting to shut you out of her sexlife and is already starting to keep sexual secrets from you. You are playing with fire here and you are the one supplying the matches and the gasoline. 4
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I don't see any legitimate reason why she would've deceived you since you have essentially an open marriage to a degree. I doubt very seriously that she would've concocted an elaborate story. A failed sexual escapade isn't something I'd really like to go into any great detail about so perhaps what you see as being "evasive" is really just a lack of desire to relive and retell the event. This is just my own thoughts on what she is holding back based on my own perspective of this. What I think she is holding back and not discussing is not the mechanical sex acts taking place because MandM wants to hear that. What she is holding back on is her feelings of attraction and desire for the other man/men and the effect they are having on her AND she is also holding back her steadily declining attraction and desire for MandM. Realize too that even she may not fully recognize and understand what is taking place here herself. All she that knows is getting more of a rush from the other men and an increasing amount of disappointment and frustration and declining desire for him as time goes on. 5
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 And to MandM7872, here is something you need to be aware of. These guys that you are bringing home are secretly whispering in her ear how hot and pretty and sexy she is and they are telling her that is she was their wife that they would never let another man touch her. And they are telling her that you are crazy and stupid for letting other men into your bed. In her primitive brain she is seeing that you are weak and don't care enough about her to protect her from other men and that you are weak and have to get your kicks by just watching the "real men" have sex while you just watch and spank the monkey from the sidelines. She is seeing them as the "real men" who take what women are available to them but would be strong enough to mate-guard and protect "their" women. You are going to be permanently sitting on the sidelines very soon if you continue this kind of activity in this manner. 3
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 . She wanted to call after and have me come home to "do" my slut wife. . This is exactly what I am talking about. She wants you to be the 'bull' and to be the one to bend her over, pull her hair and smack her @$$ while you are laying the lumber to her. sitting on the sideline watching other men have sex with her and coming home and hearing her stories of other men having sex with her = weakness and passivity to her instinctive sexual desires. Mother Nature only intended strong virile males to have sex and guard their females so that their DNA is reproduced and passed on. Weak, passive males sit on the sidelines and their DNA dies off. Think of silverback gorillas in the jungle. They jump on whatever ovulating females turn their butts up at them, bang them hard and then fight off the other males and keep them away. The weak passive males sit on the sidelines and never get the ovulating females turn their butts up at them in the first place. 1
Author mandm7872 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I understand and appreciate the feedback. I think I deed to reiterate that we have only done the "sharing" thing twice. We did it for fun and neither time ever created any issues after. Yes, I am angry. With her, for going ahead with it without my knowledge. Plus everything seems to look like she/they may have planned it that way. She was a cheat when we got together. She's cheated in the past. So when this happened I have reasonable doubts. I only want the truth, which has more to do with me trying to trust her after learning about the cheating from years ago up through her actions dealing with this. Not sure I can ever feel she;s being truthful about this until her general dishonesty over the years is addressed. Even more important she never seems very remorseful, or empathetic. I truely believe she is a manipulative person. To the point that she believes her lies and does not believe she does anything wrong. Anyway, I just wondered what others take on her story would be. As I say, I'm still struggling with it as it just comes off way too much like BS. But considering everything it may be true. Though... he couldn't get it in??? IDK:rolleyes:
2sunny Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 The intent was there, right? She INTENDED to have him inside her. Motive and intent is everything. She also did it behind your back - that's another BIG issue to sift through. Many unhealthy dynamics happening in your M... If that's what you call your relationship. IF she intends to hurt you (which it appears she does) the what is the purpose of staying with a woman who intentionally hurts you? And believe me - he was in...
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I understand and appreciate the feedback. I think I deed to reiterate that we have only done the "sharing" thing twice. We did it for fun and neither time ever created any issues after. Yes, I am angry. With her, for going ahead with it without my knowledge. Plus everything seems to look like she/they may have planned it that way. She was a cheat when we got together. She's cheated in the past. So when this happened I have reasonable doubts. I only want the truth, which has more to do with me trying to trust her after learning about the cheating from years ago up through her actions dealing with this. Not sure I can ever feel she;s being truthful about this until her general dishonesty over the years is addressed. Even more important she never seems very remorseful, or empathetic. I truely believe she is a manipulative person. To the point that she believes her lies and does not believe she does anything wrong. Anyway, I just wondered what others take on her story would be. As I say, I'm still struggling with it as it just comes off way too much like BS. But considering everything it may be true. Though... he couldn't get it in??? IDK:rolleyes: As I stated before, we used to be very active swingers so I understand the appeal of multiple partners etc. But honesty, trust and transparency are all the cornerstones of mutually consenting nonmonogamy. without those things unquestionably in place, you have no business conducting this kind of lifestyle unless you want your relationship to implode down upon itself. You hunches and intuitions are correct. She is trying to pull crap on you. 1
Realist3 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 The intent was there, right? She INTENDED to have him inside her. Motive and intent is everything. She also did it behind your back - that's another BIG issue to sift through. Many unhealthy dynamics happening in your M... If that's what you call your relationship. IF she intends to hurt you (which it appears she does) the what is the purpose of staying with a woman who intentionally hurts you? And believe me - he was in... What 2sunny said is absolutely correct. Her intent was to give him a BJ. Her intent was to have sex with him. However it actually went down is really immaterial. She did it without your consent.
BetrayedH Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 She's lying. She wants it to sound a little rapish so she doesn't sound so bad but she knowsthat if she goes all-out on the rape claim, she won't be able to manage you. So, she's tellig some half-ass story that kinda paints her like a victim but keeps you from freaking out. Regardless, she's cheated before and cheated again. What are you going to do about it?
road Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I understand the feedback. we have only done the "sharing" thing twice. and created issues after. Delete the baloney. Then you will see that you do not understand the feedback. You have not mate protected your WW. You have devalued yourself in her eyes by sitting and watching OM bend her over and bang her like a drum. You chose to ignore that she brought OM home without first seeking permission from you. She kept it hidden so you could not say no. And or she did not want you there cramping her style while she was doing King Dong. Instead of your ding-a-ling. You ignore that doing it without making you aware is cheating. Then you believed she did nothing but allow his tool to just touch her butt and he came for five minutes. You want to buy a Bridge in Brooklyn?
Artie Lang Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Our relationship is not "open" by any means. regardless, you opened a Pandora's box when you introduced this "fantasy" into your marriage. furthermore, you engaged in this behavior with a known CHEATER. sorry to say but you put yourself in this position, and are now bearing the consequences for a horrible decision. this woman cannot be trusted AT ALL! 1
Chi townD Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 One thing about swingers (or situations like this) is that they're trying to put a bandaid on a hemorrhaging relationship. Sooner or later, most swinging couples bleed out and the relationship dies. Okay..... the one thing a understand about swingers is that communication is paramount and boundaries and rules are established. These rules MUST BE FOLLOWED to a T! Well, she broke the rules. Therefore, she cheated on you. Don't care if you guys have had threesomes and sex with others....rules were followed then. This time is different. She knew she cheated or else she wouldn't have tried to hide it from you. And I wouldn't buy the story that it wasn't enjoyable or even as quick as she made it out to be. She had full on crazy monkey sex with this dude. And don't buy the "too big" to do anything story. Women past babies with heads the size of softballs out of there, so, a larger guy isn't a big deal. Just go slow until their bodies adjust to accommodate the size. Only after, she felt guilt because she broke the rules. She knew she just cheated. Why would I say this? Because there's a simple rule. Without concrete evidence, cheaters will only admit to the bare minimum of what truly happened to make it seem not as bad as what it truly was. I mean, it's obvious that she's trying to downplay the experience. And now, doesn't even want to talk about it. Why? Because, she doesn't want to revisit a lie! Sorry dude, but you're experiencing a big problem. When a fantasy that involves a third party becomes reality, that's when someone always gets hurt. 1
compulsivedancer Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 While I have never had a cuckolding experience, I used to be very into a cuckold blog online, written primarily from the male perspective. Some of the couples on that blog seemed to be long-term cuckolds or swingers and their relationships seemed to be what they were looking for. However, it often seemed to progress a couple different ways (keep in mind that this is a porn blog, so the men are writing primarily as a form of sexual gratification, so this is only the HAPPY men posting): 1) They start out with the husband watching and/or participating. Over time, the wife expresses interest in maybe doing something with the husband not around. She starts having sex with other men when he's not there (and often doesn't tell him, either at the time or after the fact). This turns into a one-sided open relationship (she can be with whomever, while he is faithful). OR, she expresses the wish to have a relationship with one of the guys and he becomes her boyfriend (in many cases this turns into a string of relationships). Now she has two relationships. 2) They start out as harmless fun. The wife becomes interested in humiliating the husband and turning him into a "sissy." I would say you are headed for #1. I think these observations are interesting in light of what Oldshirt said. He provides a reasonable explanation for why some of these things are the way they are. I can tell you that H and I have always been fairly jealousy-free. We thought we were more "evolved." But I was hurt that when we were discussing an open relationship, he was not bothered by the fact that I suggested his best friend (who became my AP) as a potential sexual partner. Fast forward to my A. AP inspired jealousy in me (sometimes on purpose) when he would look at other women and sometimes when he discussed his GF (esp. on the emotional side). He was jealous whenever I talked about the concept of being with someone else if H okayed the open marriage idea. He was also jealous whenever I mentioned previous sexual experiences (including with H) in more than completely general terms. I found that I enjoyed having someone jealous over me for the first time in my life. It made me feel wanted. After DDay, H admitted that he HAS been jealous at times over the years, but never mentioned it because he thought that he was a better man than that; he was ashamed of being jealous. Interestingly, he believes that part of the reason AP did what he did was the thrill of besting H sexually (H tends to be the alpha in our friends group). I had estimated how many times I had sex with AP. Once we hit that number, H announced that he had hit the number (I hadn't been keeping track), THEN spent a week deciding whether he wanted to "keep" me or not (time #2, but to my way of thinking, he had to reclaim me for the sake of his masculinity before he could truly make a choice). Anyway, these are all examples of this masculine instinct. I think Oldshirt makes some really good points. I'd be interested in hearing whether he has any advice or insight on H and my situation (maybe elsewhere, soas not to threadjack).
oldshirt Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 (edited) While I have never had a cuckolding experience, I used to be very into a cuckold blog online, written primarily from the male perspective. Some of the couples on that blog seemed to be long-term cuckolds or swingers and their relationships seemed to be what they were looking for. However, it often seemed to progress a couple different ways (keep in mind that this is a porn blog, so the men are writing primarily as a form of sexual gratification, so this is only the HAPPY men posting): 1) They start out with the husband watching and/or participating. Over time, the wife expresses interest in maybe doing something with the husband not around. She starts having sex with other men when he's not there (and often doesn't tell him, either at the time or after the fact). This turns into a one-sided open relationship (she can be with whomever, while he is faithful). OR, she expresses the wish to have a relationship with one of the guys and he becomes her boyfriend (in many cases this turns into a string of relationships). Now she has two relationships. 2) They start out as harmless fun. The wife becomes interested in humiliating the husband and turning him into a "sissy." I would say you are headed for #1. I think these observations are interesting in light of what Oldshirt said. He provides a reasonable explanation for why some of these things are the way they are. I can tell you that H and I have always been fairly jealousy-free. We thought we were more "evolved." But I was hurt that when we were discussing an open relationship, he was not bothered by the fact that I suggested his best friend (who became my AP) as a potential sexual partner. Fast forward to my A. AP inspired jealousy in me (sometimes on purpose) when he would look at other women and sometimes when he discussed his GF (esp. on the emotional side). He was jealous whenever I talked about the concept of being with someone else if H okayed the open marriage idea. He was also jealous whenever I mentioned previous sexual experiences (including with H) in more than completely general terms. I found that I enjoyed having someone jealous over me for the first time in my life. It made me feel wanted. After DDay, H admitted that he HAS been jealous at times over the years, but never mentioned it because he thought that he was a better man than that; he was ashamed of being jealous. Interestingly, he believes that part of the reason AP did what he did was the thrill of besting H sexually (H tends to be the alpha in our friends group). I had estimated how many times I had sex with AP. Once we hit that number, H announced that he had hit the number (I hadn't been keeping track), THEN spent a week deciding whether he wanted to "keep" me or not (time #2, but to my way of thinking, he had to reclaim me for the sake of his masculinity before he could truly make a choice). Anyway, these are all examples of this masculine instinct. I think Oldshirt makes some really good points. I'd be interested in hearing whether he has any advice or insight on H and my situation (maybe elsewhere, soas not to threadjack). I have never been been directly involved in the cuck world although I have been kind of a defacto "bull" a few times in group situations where some of the couples appeared to be into that. There really is a thinner line between monogamists and swinger/nonmonogamists than people give credit for but the concepts of infidelity/cheating are the same. in order for consensual nonmonogamy to work, there has to be by necessity a wide variety of rules and situations for the extra curricular activity to take place. There also has to be a right mix of people to go along with it. This is what creates the crux. it is 10,000 hundred million billion quifillion times easier to cheat than it is to swing. for traditional full swap swingers the hardship is finding two couples where there is a mutual attraction and a mutual ability/willingness for everyone to follow everyone elses rules. In the cuckhold scenario, it's easy to find guys that will follow the couples rules in order to bang the wife.........the first time. If the other has a good time he will naturally try to isolate the wife from the husband and get her alone to himself. The cuckhold experience to a great degree is about the husband's excitement and the wife and OM are basically 'performing' for his voyeurism. The OM will go along with that once and follow the rules just to get some poontang. If that poontang is good for him it is just within his nature to try to isolate and have the wife to himself so he can do what he wants to as opposed to performing as a stunt d!ck for some other dude. He can't help that, it is what comes natural. Now the perspective of the wife is different. She initially does it to excite and appease the husband and also because a little variety really does appeal to women about as much as men, they just deny it. If the OM is at all desirable to her (which is more often that not as most cucks let the wife pick out the OM and often it is someone out of their circle of friends that she is already attracted to ) and if the sex is at all enjoyable it creates an interesting (and troubling dynamic). The husband often really enjoys the experience and the couple often have mindbending reclaimation sex after the OM leaves. This causes the husband to wish to repeat the experience and since the wife got a lot great sex and had many orgasms there is a lot of reward in it for her but here is where the breakdown starts to occur. A dynamic is set up where the husband is wanting her to screw the OM or additional men again. So he is basically not only not mate-guarding and not claiming her as her own, he is actively farming her out and enjoying her not being faithful to him. But in the mean time the OM is actively working to isolate the wife from the husband and have him for himself. In the wife's primitive, instinctual brain, she is getting the message that the OM is valuing and cherishing and appreciating her more than the husband. The OM is also displaying a more natural masculine trait and is appearing stronger and more masculine and virile to her than the husband. It does not take very many experiences or very many orgasms before the wife feels that she is "in love" with the OM and that she is quickly falling out of love with the husband. In a short amount of time it becomes easier for the wife to not have to jump through the hoops of the husband and easier and more gratifying to just do her own thing with the OM rather than follow the countless rules of the husband. And it's a no brainer for the OM to rather have her to himself rather than perform for the husband. The husband gets cut out of the scene real fast once that all starts to go down. Edited August 3, 2013 by oldshirt 2
oldshirt Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 I can tell you that H and I have always been fairly jealousy-free. We thought we were more "evolved." But I was hurt that when we were discussing an open relationship, he was not bothered by the fact that I suggested his best friend (who became my AP) as a potential sexual partner. Fast forward to my A. AP inspired jealousy in me (sometimes on purpose) when he would look at other women and sometimes when he discussed his GF (esp. on the emotional side). He was jealous whenever I talked about the concept of being with someone else if H okayed the open marriage idea. He was also jealous whenever I mentioned previous sexual experiences (including with H) in more than completely general terms. I found that I enjoyed having someone jealous over me for the first time in my life. It made me feel wanted. After DDay, H admitted that he HAS been jealous at times over the years, but never mentioned it because he thought that he was a better man than that; he was ashamed of being jealous. Interestingly, he believes that part of the reason AP did what he did was the thrill of besting H sexually (H tends to be the alpha in our friends group). I had estimated how many times I had sex with AP. Once we hit that number, H announced that he had hit the number (I hadn't been keeping track), THEN spent a week deciding whether he wanted to "keep" me or not (time #2, but to my way of thinking, he had to reclaim me for the sake of his masculinity before he could truly make a choice). Anyway, these are all examples of this masculine instinct. I think Oldshirt makes some really good points. I'd be interested in hearing whether he has any advice or insight on H and my situation (maybe elsewhere, soas not to threadjack). I'm afraid I don't have enough info to comment on your experience at this time and what you wrote above is a bit confusing and even a little contradictory so I need a few things clarified. Were you and your husband swingers or in an open marriage prior to the affair or were you and your AP start an affair without your husband's consent? I will say that in many ways swinging/open marriage go against our natural programing and swingers have to rewire their whole value system to reconcile their actions with their natural instincts. It is instinctive and natural to mate-guard. It is natural to feel threatened and insecure at the thought of your mate having sex with another. To be able to swing/open marriage you have to override your natural drive to your mate's genitals away from other people. Swingers/open Marriage pride themselves on their openness and shame and redicule others for being jealous and possessive. People in the lifestyle will even at times go to great lengths to show how nonpossessive and how much lack of jealousy they have.....even when they are in fact experiencing considerable jealousy. The problem with this is multifold. for starters jealousy/mate-guarding is a very primitive and primordial sign of valuing your mate. It doesn't matter what words come out of your partner's mouth, if you have sex with someone else or show interest in someone else and your partner isn't jealous, your subconscious thinks they do not value you. Your partner mate-guarding you and keeping others at bay is a very important part of our security and sense of worth. And yes, of course the OM is going to "compete" and try to best your H. That is what people do in any kind of multiple partner scenario. That's one of the great things about swinging is that everyone comes with their game face and gives it their all:laugh: Sometimes a little competition is a good thing and makes people be at their best. But other times people get ground into the dirt if they don't have their 'A' game on.
compulsivedancer Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 "Were you and your husband swingers or in an open marriage prior to the affair or were you and your AP start an affair without your husband's consent?" H and I were discussing opening our marriage. He actually suggested it, and I was interested in the idea. We talked about it extensively and I mentioned his friend; he said that was a good idea (exact words: "That would be perfect.") I brought it up to the friend, casually, not as an offer, not realizing the cascade of $hit it would rain down. H was upset that I brought it up, but entertained the idea. Meanwhile, while we were in limbo waiting to hear from H (and AP's GF), we began to get more intimate. Eventually H said no and AP told me that his GF had said yes (untrue). By then we had crossed a lot of boundaries, but instead of backing off, we continued until it became a full-fledged A. I just always thought it was odd that H insisted AP got a thrill out of it in part because it was H's wife, that there was something about being with the "alpha" male's wife. I always thought that sounded vindictive. I didn't think AP thought that far ahead, or was trying to prove anything to H. I figured he just saw an opportunity with someone he was already interested in and went for it. I could never figure out whether H was just stroking his own ego (since AP betrayed him too), or whether there was something to that. H says I'm naive and just don't understand the extent that guys are animals. I actually started a new thread. I didn't want to threadjack this one. But who knows, I guess it kind of relates to OP's questions.
road Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 (edited) "Were you and your husband swingers or in an open marriage prior to the affair or were you and your AP start an affair without your husband's consent?" H and I were discussing opening our marriage. He actually suggested it, and I was interested in the idea. We talked about it extensively and I mentioned his friend; he said that was a good idea (exact words: "That would be perfect.") I brought it up to the friend, casually, not as an offer, not realizing the cascade of $hit it would rain down. H was upset that I brought it up, but entertained the idea. Meanwhile, while we were in limbo waiting to hear from H (and AP's GF), we began to get more intimate. Eventually H said no and AP told me that his GF had said yes (untrue). By then we had crossed a lot of boundaries, but instead of backing off, we continued until it became a full-fledged A. I just always thought it was odd that H insisted AP got a thrill out of it in part because it was H's wife, that there was something about being with the "alpha" male's wife. I always thought that sounded vindictive. I didn't think AP thought that far ahead, or was trying to prove anything to H. I figured he just saw an opportunity with someone he was already interested in and went for it. I could never figure out whether H was just stroking his own ego (since AP betrayed him too), or whether there was something to that. H says I'm naive and just don't understand the extent that guys are animals. I actually started a new thread. I didn't want to threadjack this one. But who knows, I guess it kind of relates to OP's questions. Alpha Smalpha Does not matter if they were both alpha's, beta's, gamma's, most likey omega's. The thing is this "friend" as we know now was never a friend. Wanted to be the top gamma in their social circle. The OM by getting to bang you did not necessarily make the OM an alpha. Though it did guarantee that you made the OM the top beta, gamma, or omega over your BH. And you wanted the OM to be the alpha to your BH. For whatever reason you did not love your BH. Was the reason that he did not want to mate protect you but rather he suggested an open marriage. First betrayal was talking about fantasy's that were discussed in the marital bed with the OM without getting your BH's approval. This act alone showed that you had always thought the OM was hot/alpha enough that you always were attracted to the idea that it would be fun to bang the OM. Your BH gave you an excuse to run to the OM without getting a formal ok and consent from your BH to do so. Once your BH found out that you ran to the OM and told him that you and BH wanted to have an open marriage. Your BH said talking about having an open relationship between the two of you as husband and wife was one thing. Your BH said to go on your own and hit on the OM without approval was wrong and I do not want you to bang my friend/OM. You must shut this down now. And what did you do? You bent down and let the friend do you. You are not owning your decision to cheat. You are still justifying your affair. Edited August 3, 2013 by road
compulsivedancer Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Moderator, is there a way to move these last couple posts to my new thread so we can continue the discussion there?
compulsivedancer Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 Please respond to me here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/413483-how-much-does-alpha-male-instinct-play-into-affair and continue responding to mandm in this thread.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 If this is the lifestyle you both want then fine and dandy, it's your business but I'm missing something here. This guy shows up, while he's there he whips it out, she starts to give him a bj but doesn't like the flavor so he bends her over the couch and tries to put it in, cant and cum's all over the place. Where is the part where your wife says to the guy, "Dude. You wanna pack it? Then wrap it." What kind of dangerous game you playing here? How do you know where this guys junk has been? How do you know that he doesn't have a STD. If you both are going on a wing and a prayer, you better pull your collective heads out of you ass's. If I was ever invited into something like this situation, you can bet that I'll be carrying a condom. I kind of like living ya know?
Author mandm7872 Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 So maybe I brought this on myself yes, i see that. The thing is I don't see a way to get beyond it if she insists this is the truth. She did admit six weeks later she didn't let me know before or during cause she was afraid of how she may react and how I'd deal with that that. We had already talked about this many times and she never expressed any concern. She later goes on to say if they had screwed she'd have had no problem telling me since this was our fantasy thing anyway. Anyone find this completely contradictory??? She had a difficult time explaining why I wasn't told before, during, or immediately after this "non sexual encounter" but if it had been all she hoped it would have been no problem telling me about it??? She says it didn't seem important to tell me since "nothing really happened." Also, FYI... she argued relentlesslly to my face it wasn't cheating. Since we talked about this and I supposedly said if she had to b 1 on 1 first then it was "ok." I NEVER EVER said it was ok! The only way that even could've been a very remote possibility is if she had told me what was happening first. She had to know that!! It's not so much I need to hear all the details, it's that now I've been most likely lied to on one level or another and She can't say anything now that will seem truthful. 1.) stick to her story that is full of inconsistencies. 2.) Claim she's coming clean about everything and it all will come across like she's telling me what she thinks I need or want to hear. I of course don't. Though I'm not sure how to ever get past what seems to be blatant lies/stories. HELP!! We are starting therapy but thats very slow going and I/we may not be able to last that long. I'm turning to self meds, can't sleep, and have become violent. Not to her.
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