So much to stay for but so many reasons to leave...

[CrossroadsGirl]

Dear all

 

This is my first post here and I would really appreciate some help and support. I have been reading the Forums for many years and like how you all support one another here.

 

I am a 32 year old woman in a live-in relationship of 22 months (living together since 15 months ago) with a 28 year old man and am not sure if the best and kindest thing to do, for us both, is to end things and move on and out.

 

I moved to my current location from another country just over two years ago for lots of reasons for myself (it was always my plan) but also ostensibly to be closer to my then long-distance boyfriend who was 6 years younger than me. Within a week of me arriving, we broke up. I was devastated but continued to rebuild my life in a new country that I am thrilled to call my home. After a few months of living in a big city full of memories of my ex, I decided to move into the countryside and escape the craziness of that city, which was fun but also extremely hard for my fragile emotional state at the time. I also wanted to find a stable, loving and mature relationship, perhaps to counterbalance the very physical but volatile one I had with my ex. I found this very quickly after moving into the countryside and met my current boyfriend. Things got serious quickly, I became very close to his family and came to rely on him for lots of support, help and mobility (I didn't have a car at the time). I liked his kindness, generosity and how different he was from my ex. He continued to be supportive, sweet, kind, affectionate, loving and wants to share his life with me. He adores my cat and we even adopted an abandoned kitten 10 months ago.

 

10 months ago is actually the watershed moment. My boyfriend started to study full time so I saw less and less of him in terms of quality time. I got back in touch with my ex via Facebook after a year and a half of no contact. He now lives in another country so it felt safe to talk from such a distance. We talked and although I told him to go and jump off a bridge, thus severing any contact, I remembered how strongly I felt for him, both lovingly and passionately and I realised that I do not feel the same intensity for my current boyfriend. The stress of reconnecting with my ex and the stress of caring for a new kitten mean that my period was late. A very scary 2 weeks of home pregnancy tests followed and I freaked out, thinking how sad and trapped I would feel if I fell pregnant with my current boyfriend. Looking after the kitten and feeling tethered to the home gave me insight into how me life could be as a mother and wife and I was far from thrilled. I talked to him in October 2012 and was ready to walk away, but we agreed to try to improve things. So, I bought a car, joined a gym and focused on giving myself reasons to feel happy and independent. But here I am again, at the same point months later.

 

What I didn't like about him and how he made me feel at the beginning continued to be a problem now, almost two years later.

 

He is very socially awkward and we don't go out very often. Life is centred around the home, his family and his studies. I have my work which is great and hobbies that I do alone because he doesn't share my interests or has no time. He has gained a lot of weight and sexually, he is very repressed. I am quite wild at heart and have enjoyed many very gratifying physical relationships with men and women alike in the past. I was very proud of my strong sexuality but this has diminished to the point where I don't really recognise or like myself now. He doesn't like me to dress sexy, wear heels (we are the same height and he has a complex) or display characteristics that attract attention from other males. We live in a culture that is very appreciative of the female form, so I get a lot of compliments anyway, which he doesn't like.

 

He is not (how do I say this nicely) very well endowed and I am not satisfied sexually. He is very insecure so this is something I wouldn't bring up, but I do wonder if I am able to continue being with someone who cannot give me that thing that I need. My friendship circle has closed in on itself and my life is very isolated. I feel stifled, controlled and smothered by my boyfriend. I work from home and cannot relax until he leaves the house. He studies full time and I cannot imagine my life being so mundane and joyless for the next two years.

 

However, some things are great. I have access to a beautiful countryside, horses, the sea and his big, wonderful family. I come from a complex family and like having such a loving and unconditionally supportive structure from them. It would break their hearts too for us to break up as they really do love me very much. I would miss them dearly and would feel very alone as I have not been able to sustain many friendships during this relationship due to isolation, awkwardness and my own tendency to retreat into my relationship. He does love me and tries to make me happy. But is it enough?

 

Am I ready for it? I feel a very strong urge and desire to be free, party, have fun and enjoy life. I miss fun and know that relationships don't have to make you feel drained. Although we don't spend quality time together, I don't feel like I am free and have the space that I need. I get the encumbrances of being in a relationship without the enjoyable parts. I do my hobbies alone but I am not free enough to really be free and enjoy it as I am in a relationship, so there is always something weighing me down. I am so sick of every night being him watching TV, laying on the sofa and me wanting to do something but not being able to as he doesn't want me to go alone.

 

I have cheated in past relationships and have been proud that I have not done so in this, but I feel like I am very tempted to. How can I resolve this? He has exams until the end of August and I am due to go abroad alone for a vacation to see a friend in September. I don't want to upset him or break his heart and I am terrified of making the wrong choice. Please help me.

 

CrossRoads Girl

Edited August 1, 2013 by CrossroadsGirl

[lukekarts]

I can tell from everything you have written that whilst you can see the good things you are not happy in the relationship and are unlikely to ever be in the long-term.

 

Please don't make the mistake of 'stringing him along' because of the good, stable things he offers.

 

But at the same time, have the decency to break up with him in a mature, honest way.

 

As a recent dumpee, I had my ten year relationship ended by text message, after 10 years, with very few answers, and very shortly after she allowed me to make several huge sacrifices in my life.

 

Whilst a breakup is never easy, sit down with him, tell him you don't see a future, tell him why you don't see a future, and tell him that you understand his pain but the best thing you can do is break all contact and allow him to come to terms with things.

 

Just don't screw him over.

[CrossroadsGirl]

Hi Lukekarts

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond so thoughtfully. I am very sorry to hear about your break-up and the way in which your ex so callously did it.

 

Rest assured, I would not screw him over. In fact, all that I am doing at the moment is trying to give him space, comfort and time to focus on his university exams now, rather than potentially break up with him in the middle of them. I think that would be horrible, but the decision to hold off does mean that I am very distracted from work and am crying a lot in order to hold it down for him and his exams.

 

He is a wonderful man and I have treasured our time together. I think that I am waking up to the fact that it is just not going to get better than this and I have to be responsible for my own happiness.

 

I am very scared about having the talk with him and am worried that he is picking up on vibes from me. I don't want it to come out before his exams are done - any advice for me?

 

Thanks again.

[lukekarts]

When are his exams?

 

Does he have any inclination anything is wrong?

[CrossroadsGirl]

The next one is in one week, then another one the week after. After that, he has a final assignment to hand in by the end of August. I am due to go on my vacation on 9 September.

 

As for him having any inclination things are wrong, yes I would say so. I commented last week on how I feel like we don't do anything together any more and he said that he feels guilty but he has to study. And then he said when he is not studying, he will have to work to pay for studying. I get it and I don't want him to feel bad about it, but it's not the life I want. He also asked if I am bored last week and I said yes. On a daily basis, if I don't respond enthusiastically, he asks what is going on. I shrug it off, but I don't know for how much longer I can. There are various family events over the next month that I am dreading as we will have to present a united front.

 

I am concerned that we are supposed to sign the extension of the lease for our house within the next 9 days. I have tried to not remind him as I obviously don't want to sign for the house if I am not sure I want to stay, but the timing is horribly close to his exams. If the landlord pushes, what should I do? If I do decide to end things (which is looking very likely), he will keep the house himself and I will move out.

Edited August 1, 2013 by CrossroadsGirl

[lukekarts]

You need to end things right away. Yes it sucks that his exams are there but he will feel even worse after the exams if he feels like he has been strung along. You may think you are doing the right thing by him but you have to be honest with him now and let him go.

 

The lease on the house also re-affirms that you need to do it now not later.

[CrossroadsGirl]

But it seems so heartless. I care about him and love him and I don't want his exams to suffer just because I'm unhappy. His family will hate me for it, too. Shouldn't I just grit my teeth for another 2 - 4 weeks?

[CrossroadsGirl]

I took lukekarts advice and broke up with him a few hours ago. He was shocked but knew something was up. I am crying a lot but know this is right. He seemed to be sad but ok. Now to look for a new place to live. Scared but optimistic about the future...