Robert_barton Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Hi im Rob im 27 and im from England. I'm in a longish term relationship with this girl I met clubbing on a night in town 16 months ago but I'm completely unsure what to do to the point I'm stressed. I love her because she is like the nicest girl you will ever meet but im not overly attracted to her. When we met I was hammered drunk and that night she looked really good looking and I enjoyed the kiss so I asked for her number. We started texting and I found out she is from newcastle a 3 hour drive away but at the same time she seemed like a good laugh and nice too. We were texting for ages until we met again because of the distance. At this time I really got to know her and what a great person she is but when we met I remembered her being much better looking and she was overweight. Hope this doesn't sound hurtful or shallow but this is what goes on in my head. We have being going out for 16 months and I stayed with her when she was traveling around the states for 8 months infact even visted her getting me into debt cause I cared a lot about her and just couldn't break up with her over it. I'm also not the most experienced guy ever and I'm not very confident But im a good looking lad and I wasn't short of offers. I can't imagine her not in my life but I can't help but want to experience other girls. I don't know whether part of me staying together with her so long is because of my inexperience in the bedroom. This girl doesn't care about any of that and loves me for me. I don't know if you would find anyone nicer and i even get on great with her family but at the same time I'm a little embarrassed of her looks. I haven't introduced her to my friends yet and she met my parents an brother an sisters last week. I overheard them saying she looked kind of manly. We get on great though but I just don't know what to do, I'm not massively attracted to her but I love her greatly and I don't usually click with women. We talk for hours. I also can't imagine having the patience or know what to talk about if I went out on a first date again. Any thoughts would be appreciated thanks
Eddie Edirol Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 So you dont want to have to learn what to do when it comes to talking to new women, this is why you want to stay with your gf. Am I correct?
Lani Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 To me, this doesn't sound like love. My ex was not the most attractive guy in the world, but to me he was the sexiest man alive. If you really love her then her apparent bad looks wouldn't matter one bit to you. You are ashamed and that's not fair on her. If you've got so many offers, then maybe just sleep with them instead and let this poor girl be with someone who appreciates every part of her. 2
Author Robert_barton Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 No it's like it would be scary being single again. This is my first proper relationship in fact I was a virgin before I met her. I love her too and it would take her ages to get over it I just feel like it would be like tellin my best friend I don't want to be friends with them anymore. I can't imagine her not in my life but part of me wants to try other girls. If only she was a little better looking because her personality is perfect. I just don't know
Phoe Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 If only she was a little better looking This is awful Let the poor girl go so she can find someone who appreciates all of her. She doesn't deserve to be talked about like this behind her back, by someone she loves and trusts. 7
Author Robert_barton Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I think I love her and the weird thing is she would be the type of girl I could see myself marrying but I know my friends and stuff would be ripping the piss behind my back and I don't know if part of the way I'm feeling is because iv never done the whole play the field and go on loads of dates thing. Iv always lived with my parents
Lani Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I think I love her and the weird thing is she would be the type of girl I could see myself marrying but I know my friends and stuff would be ripping the piss behind my back and I don't know if part of the way I'm feeling is because iv never done the whole play the field and go on loads of dates thing. Iv always lived with my parents How old are you? If you love her, whatever your immature friends do or say doesn't matter. YOU are the one who needs to be happy.
Phoe Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 All you're doing right now is making excuses to make this seem OK even though you've put her down physically. Just let the girl go so she can move on. If you really love her, you'll realize she deserves someone who doesn't find her unattractive, who doesn't worry about friends thinking badly. Realize that by putting her looks down, you're doing her a disservice. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 My brother was saying the same thing about his current gf, wouldn't introduce her to anyone for the first 6 months or so.... Now they have lived together for 3 years and talk about marriage/babies. Most people don't find it all (looks, personality etc) so they pick someone that's kind of OK, get used to them and live reasonably happy lives. It's not for me but my brother is certainly happier in any relationship than single. You may be like him... 1
Author Robert_barton Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I'm 27. I overheard My family say it last night. It's pretty tough when they do not fully approve to. I'm not making excuses at all I'm being honest. If I didn't love her I would not have went over to the states to see her or waited 8 months for her to come back. I love her I know that but I'm not at the stage she is. I'm just being honest
Author Robert_barton Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 And I could see myself maybe settling down with her but I dunno I feel like I have wild oats to sow or something I'm confused. I do love her tho
Eddie Edirol Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 If shes your first and only girlfriend, you do need to play the field. You wont truly know what kind of woman you are fully compatible with until you date other personalities. You will resent her for the rest of your life too, so just dump her and get it over with. You'll just have to learn how to talk to new women for a while. DONT BE LAZY!
Treasa Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 "Everyone" doesn't look down on her...just a few people in your family. And if she has any common sense, she doesn't give a **** what they think. Either way, I think you should release her. Please let her go and do better, and you go and sow your wild oats. Hopefully you'll find someone as great as her again. If not, it will be an expensive lesson.
mtber75 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 You don't make sense...If you are really in love with her, looks should be an afterthought. I agree with the others, you may want to move on because you seem to be looking elsewhere.
Joaquin Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Hows the sex? Good sex can help sway these decisions one way or another.
Treasa Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 For me it's not even about how YOU think she looks. If you had said, "My girlfriend is really great, but I'm just not attracted to her and don't know if I can stay faithful," I still would have told you to break up with her, but I wouldn't have faulted you too much, given that you're young and being honest. But the way you describe her makes it sound as though she's so low. And that's the part I find irritating. Let her find a boyfriend who won't feel this way about her, and whose family won't make fun of her, even behind her back.
Drseussgrrl Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I don't understand. If you don't find her attractive how have you stayed with her for 16 months? 1
Mrlonelyone Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 My brother was saying the same thing about his current gf, wouldn't introduce her to anyone for the first 6 months or so.... Now they have lived together for 3 years and talk about marriage/babies. Most people don't find it all (looks, personality etc) so they pick someone that's kind of OK, get used to them and live reasonably happy lives. It's not for me but my brother is certainly happier in any relationship than single. You may be like him... This is what most people in relationships do. They find someone who is just good enough. OP if your GF is good enough for you, then you know who isn't good enough for her? Answer, your so called friends. You sound young OP. At your age (more for women than for men but still) your friends opinions matter to you to an extent that they shouldn't. Those friends of yours may be there when the relationship is over, or, if this relationship has real staying power you might not even be in contact with them in a year. Meanwhile, you could be thinking of marrying this woman. So keep your GF and to heck with anyone who doesn't like her because she's supposedly beneath them.
eddyctv Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I'm 27. I overheard My family say it last night. It's pretty tough when they do not fully approve to. I'm not making excuses at all I'm being honest. If I didn't love her I would not have went over to the states to see her or waited 8 months for her to come back. I love her I know that but I'm not at the stage she is. I'm just being honest No, if you loved her, you wouldnt be posting a thread in here about her looks. I was with a girl i was completely effing mad about for 4.5 years...she was overweight, and it bothered her, but it didnt bother me. At all. All I saw in her was the love of my life. You went to visit her in the USA to get some action, not because you are in love with her. I'm not saying you are shallow at all, you are just confused about how you feel about her. I really think YOU think you love her for the sex.
Emilia Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 But im a good looking lad and I wasn't short of offers. I can't imagine her not in my life but I can't help but want to experience other girls. This is key in my opinion, stop stringing her along.
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Rob, you are not shallow or a bad person in any way for getting to know this lady, though I wish you hadn't slept with her. You are just a young person learning about life so chalk this up to "live and learn." Break up with her as it will always be in your mind that she isn't as attractive a woman as you want to be with. Then don't repeat this mistake. I was with a guy who, before he dated me, had loved and dated a woman for twenty years that he was not attracted to physically. This was the first time I'd heard of someone doing that. He finally broke up with her and told me that he wasted twenty years of his and her life. An ironic thing happened. I was attracted to this guy's personality but not appearance, though he was/is quite good looking! He was actually a model at one time (and dated models, one being a Penthouse magazine cover girl, just an interesting aside). Thought I could overcome it, but in the end, I couldn't so let him go. Just because someone is not attracted to a particular person's appearance doesn't mean someone else won't be!
Author Robert_barton Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Im not slagging the girl off behind her back. The whole purpose of forums is to get advice and help with your thoughts. I love the girl tremendously and I'm unsure if loving someone regardless of if I'm attracted to them is enough to be together. I cant imagine my life without her to talk to and being there and i dont think she could be just friends with me. I know I'm not a bad person and I find it funny someone judging me or my family too, makes any point you mske completely redundant. you do not know me or my family smoocherwhatevs. And I'm not certainly with the girl for sex. We were together 6 months before we had sex. It's not the reason for our relationship. I travelled to Boston because I missed her. If sex was the reason I'd have broken up with her and done it with someone else
Author Robert_barton Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 I'd like to add that it's not an excuse that guys use when they say they've oats to sow or whatever. I haven't been on that many dates or with women. How do I know how great I mite get on with someone else. I'd love to have a family in the future but I don't want to be a dad and settled on my job an have a mortgage and not travelled more and lived alone or with friends. Iv never done any of that and I'm just curious too. I'm a loyal guy and I'd never cheat but you only live once and I hate to have regrets is all. Believe me when I say I do care about her greatly. She's a great lady, the nicest you could hope to meet. Guess I want my cake an eat it too but that doesn't make me a douche like iv been called on this
Story Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 To the OP, I recommend that you read "How to Love" by Gordon Livingston, M.D. It's an awesome book that I think will help you with your decision.
dasein Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 OP, sorry you are getting whacked here for being monstrous enough to seek advice and express doubts about a relationship you clearly want to keep. It is normal to have all sorts of doubts as a relationship becomes more and more serious. It's normal to wonder about how family and friends perceive one's SO. The fact that you are here and write thoughtfully about these doubts signals that you likely already know the answer, which is keep what -you- and -she- want together at the forefront, and discount catty comments from family and friends. No matter whom you are dating, someone is going to have some silly comments to make. It's human nature to try to second guess the relationships of others in a rude way. Just keep moving along the thoughtful path you are choosing here and you will see that the real things you value about this relationship outweigh the noise of common doubts and what "they" might think. Good luck.
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