When and how do you broach the "what if you/I get pregnant?" topic?

[kaylan]

This is something thats always scared me about sex. I love sex, I enjoy it very much, and Id love to have a lot of it all the time. But part of the reason I wasnt as crazy in college as I couldve been, and part of why I dont have the biggest desire to date around lately, is that Im afraid of kids.

 

I dont want some girl getting pregnant and then my independence flying out the window. Im not emotionally ready for kids, Im not financially ready for kids, and a recent thread brought this to the forefront of my mind tonight.

 

How do you folks usually bring this up with someone you plan to sleep with? I kind of just find out if the girl is on the pill, and then I just start a "what if?" conversation. It usually makes me feel better about sleeping with them if we are on the same page. However, I am still a little paranoid because a girl can say one thing and do another. And its very possible she feels differently about having children once she actually gets pregnant.

 

In a perfect world Id be settle down and get to decide with a good woman when we both want kids, and then have them together at the right time. Or alternatively, if I dont find the right woman, Id adopt. Either way itd be well thought out and Id be emotionally and financially ready for that situation.

 

If only abstinence were easy. However, I must say, I havent really been as horny as usually over the last 2 weeks. Those who say my other thread about abstaining from masturbation can take this as a little update haha. And hell, I havent had any sexy dreams or morning wood lately either.

 

Hooray for no babies xD

[MrCastle]

I don't really do the talk thing. That's a boner killer if ever there was one.

 

I make sure she's on the pill and I still use a rubber.

 

I like when both parties take steps to prevent kids and it's not solely on the man.

[Pyro]

I never had an official talk with someone before engaging in intercourse. I always looked at it as if you are going to engage in intercourse with a woman then you better be prepared for any of the possible outcomes. In the end being that it is her body she will and does get the final say.

 

A big reason why I only had sex with those whom I cared for.

[Menina]

What the other posters said, this is usually something that comes up in serious relationships. If you're only casually dating or having sex ALWAYS wear condoms, not only does they protect you against unwanted pregnancies they also protect you against STD (ugh, I sound as an old sex ed teacher). And guess what, I remember when I used the pill all the times I forgot them, at least I was responsible enough to tell my partner and use other methods, but some women don't tell or forget if they took it or not.

[Els]

As you've seen in a few recent threads... probably better earlier than later.

 

My suggestion would be: Fool around first if you like - make out, oral sex, etc... but talk about the possibility of pregnancy before you have intercourse. It certainly isn't a guarantee that everything will go as intended when/if it actually happens, but you have a better chance of being prepared this way. For instance, if you find out that the girl is very strongly against abortion, and you're not ready for kids, then you really need to have a good think about having intercourse with her, because if an accident DOES happen, there's almost guaranteed to be no turning back, so to speak.

 

Everyone has different methods, though, and some people just get lucky and have frequent intercourse for decades without anything happening (possible with good and conscientious birth control usage, but still requires a measure of luck).

[Star Gazer]

I never had an official talk with someone before engaging in intercourse. I always looked at it as if you are going to engage in intercourse with a woman then you better be prepared for any of the possible outcomes. In the end being that it is her body she will and does get the final say.

 

A big reason why I only had sex with those whom I cared for.

 

Perfect response, IMO.

[Eternal Sunshine]

That's one of the reasons why I had many more oral sex partners than intercourse. And no, I never discussed it with anyone before the intercourse either. I made sure they wore condoms though.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Because of my birth control, I have never really talked about the "what if".

I always used condoms, even with my boyfriend we always use them.

 

 

Because this is my first actual relationship after my ex [meaning long term] we have discussed what if. He knows where I stand, and it is a reason why he chooses to wear a condom still. More and more though, we discuss me removing my birth control and what if THEN. [it is due out nov 2014]

 

 

 

My what if situation with any man I have been with has been "my birth control is the ****, I don't want kids anytime soon, so that's why I have it."

Never talked about what if I got pregnant.

[RogerWallace111]

If you're using rubbers I'm not sure what the concern is..?

 

Yes it's not a guarantee, but it's pretty close. It would have to break, you'd have to overlook the usually very apparent change in sensation, and nut inside her...

 

I have multiple friends who f*ck nasty chicks without rubbers semi-regularly. It's f*cked up, and I would never do that ****, but I'm close to sure none of them have had any fertilization issues so I feel pretty safe with the good old condom method.

 

As someone mentioned, pulling out would be an extra measure. And that's always cool if you have to wear a rubber anyway. Just back out, pull that sh*t off and deposit your seed where you'd like.

[kaylan]

As you've seen in a few recent threads... probably better earlier than later.

 

My suggestion would be: Fool around first if you like - make out, oral sex, etc... but talk about the possibility of pregnancy before you have intercourse. It certainly isn't a guarantee that everything will go as intended when/if it actually happens, but you have a better chance of being prepared this way. For instance, if you find out that the girl is very strongly against abortion, and you're not ready for kids, then you really need to have a good think about having intercourse with her, because if an accident DOES happen, there's almost guaranteed to be no turning back, so to speak.

 

Everyone has different methods, though, and some people just get lucky and have frequent intercourse for decades without anything happening (possible with good and conscientious birth control usage, but still requires a measure of luck).

The bold is what usually happens for me.

[brakco]

If this is such a concern for you then always use a rubber. If it breaks, take your girl to the nearest pharmacy and pay $60 for Plan B. Watch her take it, drink a beer, relax.

[runningfar]

I've never engaged in sexual intercourse with anyone who I didn't know well enough to know my views. It seems like a natural thing to discuss before you have sex.

[sweetjasmine]

I've never engaged in sexual intercourse with anyone who I didn't know well enough to know my views. It seems like a natural thing to discuss before you have sex.

 

Yup, same here. Even if you're careful, sh*& happens.

 

I find it odd that people would deliberately avoid the topic. Not having it come up in conversation? I can see that happening. But actively avoiding not talking about it at some point? Seems irresponsible to me. The way I see it, if you don't feel comfortable talking about a potential pregnancy, what are you doing having sex with them in the first place?

[sdraw108]

If you're only casually dating or having sex ALWAYS wear condoms, not only does they protect you against unwanted pregnancies they also protect you against STD.

 

This is slightly misleading. Condoms do not guarantee protection, they merely lower the risks (by an average of around 85%). This is why experts prefer the term "safer sex" over "safe sex".

[Els]

The bold is what usually happens for me.

 

Good on you. That is probably best, IMO. Of course, if you were more settled and prepared for the possibility of children, then it's safer to just go for it without talking - whatever happens, happens. But if accidental children are really going to screw up your life, you do yourself a huge favour by talking about it first.

 

The way I see it, if you don't feel comfortable talking about a potential pregnancy, what are you doing having sex with them in the first place?

 

Pretty much my view, too.

 

On a tangential note, I recall a thread on LS some aeons past, where some posters were aghast about a woman telling her partner that she couldn't have intercourse tonight because she was on her period. I mean, you exchanged bodily fluids and had your genitals all over each other... but periods are a taboo topic?? What?

[sdraw108]

If you're using rubbers I'm not sure what the concern is..? Yes it's not a guarantee, but it's pretty close. It would have to break, you'd have to overlook the usually very apparent change in sensation, and nut inside her...

 

NO!

 

Please educate yourself. Average condom failure rate is approximately 15% (figures vary according to different studies, but they're roughly similar). A large part of that is due to human error, but some of it is also down to micro-tears in the condom itself which are undetectable (particularly relevant to viruses because the particles are MUCH smaller than sperm cells). Slippage is another common problem, although again can be largely put down to human error (picking the wrong size, not putting it on properly, not being well enough lubricated, etc.).

 

Also, you wouldn't have to "nut" inside her. Pre-ejaculate can carry sperm, and is one of the main reasons why "pulling out" isn't considered a very effective birth control method. Plus that it's not particularly relevant to STD risk.

[Treasa]

I don't know that I talk about it. I make sure I'm on the pill, I make sure he has a condom. Hopefully he knows that there IS a chance that I could get pregnant, otherwise he shouldn't be having sex if he's that clueless about it.

 

As for me, I'm also aware of the risk, and I'd take care of my child if I got pregnant accidentally, even if the guy wasn't willing to stick around.

[Star Gazer]

The bold is what usually happens for me.

 

I thought you hook up with a lot of different girls, ONS and the like?

 

You really have this conversation beforehand? What a killjoy.

[Drseussgrrl]

My BF and I had this conversation.

 

I'm 34, he's 33. He simply said - "Welp, it would be a pretty cute kid."

 

So, that was that.

[will1988]

I'm not sure when my fiance and i actually first had the conversation... we always say not until i've graduated and we are married. However, if for some chance she gets pregnant (which is slim since we use lots of protection) we will keep the child. I'm a bit old fashioned that way i suppose...

 

However, I think the topic was first broched in the early stages of dating and saying what we want in life... at that point niether of us wanted kids period... however, now that we are older she is always hinting at it. She is 24 and from Appalachia and has no kids... she is an old spinsteress by comparison to women of her age with several kids before they graduated high school! :lmao:

[Emilia]

A big reason why I only had sex with those whom I cared for.

I'm sure Hokie is 'touched'

[iris219]

I always have the pregnancy conversation before sex because I don't and won't take hormonal BC.

 

One guy told me during this conversation that if I got pregnant I would have to keep the baby and marry him immediately. I was like , I'm not marrying you! He calmly said, "Well, you'd have to. It would be fine. We'd make it work." It was one of the reasons I stopped seeing him. (We hadn't even had sex yet, btw!)

 

My current bf knows how much I want to get pregnant, so he knows the deal if I do. I'd be thrilled and he'd be a father.

 

If you're having sex, there's a chance of pregnancy, even if it's slim. As a man, you need to be prepared to be a father if you're having sex because it could happen and she could decide to keep it, even if she tells you she would abort. Once pregnant, she could change her mind.

[sweetjasmine]

On a tangential note, I recall a thread on LS some aeons past, where some posters were aghast about a woman telling her partner that she couldn't have intercourse tonight because she was on her period. I mean, you exchanged bodily fluids and had your genitals all over each other... but periods are a taboo topic?? What?

 

Yeah. Period = ewwww don't talk to me about that nasty stuff, but let me lick you all over down there!

[sdraw108]

As a man, you need to be prepared to be a father if you're having sex because it could happen and she could decide to keep it.

 

Just don't tell your girlfriend that you're prepared to do the right thing and be a father, because apparently it will get you dumped:

 

He calmly said, "Well, you'd have to. It would be fine. We'd make it work." It was one of the reasons I stopped seeing him.

[tricolors]

We talked about it right after the first time we had sex. It was very brief. It went along the lines of "If you ever accidentally became pregnant, I'd be there for you."

 

She's on the pill, we used condoms very briefly before moving onto nothing (which she initiated out of the clear blue one night, not me!) I'm almost 34, she's 40, neither of us have kids.