skyfall_roast Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I have been dating a woman for roughly 2.5 years. We live and work together, and the majority of the time, things are just fine. But anytime she gets stressed, or upset about something (usually about once a month) whether or not I have anything to do with it, she will take it out of me. It usually consists of not talking to me (I'm a very gregarious/social person), acting annoyed when I try to talk or cheer her up, and lashing out. It hurts my feelings, and I feel has a physical toll as well. When I've tried to talk to her about this, she says that not talking for days about something that is bothering her is how she deals with things, and if I don't like it, that's too bad. I'm trying to build a life with her, but at the same time, episodes like the one described above make me wary. I'm asking, from people with previous experience, is it worth it staying and trying to power through? Or does it seem like I should try to get out? Along those lines, advice for breaking up with someone you live with?
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 She sounds like someone who has difficulty expressing herself. And this is something you are likely not to change, and definitely if she isn't open to it and willing to change that behavior. I think the most important questions is, what bothers you so much when she does that? because that's what you have to explain and convey to her, not in that moment but afterwards after she'd has some time to deal with whatever stress she was managing...this seems to be her coping mechanism, she needs to detach and emotionally repress or bury whatever it is she is feeling in that moment and disconnect from the world for a little while. This can be a negative consequence when there are further situations that require more communication, instead of being able to do that she might disengage and in a way control/contain that using her own process. There also could be another factor attributing to this situation...does she really disconnect and shutdown or does she go to someone else? has your relationship been on the rocks for some time? does she have any close male friends/ex's? sometimes people disconnect or pull away when developing emotions for somebody else or having them...kind of sabotaging a relationship or preventing it from moving forward. These are all just ideas and speculation about your situation because there isn't a lot of information here...you might need a mediator or someone to help increase the understanding and communication between each other and develop other methods of resolving these situations from occurring, but old habits die hard If this is something she's been doing for a while, without her willingness to change it...you'll be hitting your head against a wall, so you'll have to decide whether to take it or leave it. You also seem like you might already have one foot out already of this relationship, are you using as a catalyst to end the relationship or have you just had enough? is this just a reason to justify the fact that you aren't happy with this any longer or something along those lines? Do you have any other romantic interest? So it seems there are several factors here to consider, and you know the truth about the situation and its details. Building a life together is a two way street, some issues can be resolved while others cannot...compatibility is a big factor in the long-run of a relationship, that is the REAL relationship once the honey-moon phase starts to lose it's shimmer and glazes over all the little things that don't bother you too much and you think you can handle or change. So you have a serious conversation to have with her, you need to tell her how you feel about all these things, how her actions make you feel and whether it's something she's willing to try and change or meet you half way on.
Midnight_Princess Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I have been dating a woman for roughly 2.5 years. We live and work together, and the majority of the time, things are just fine. But anytime she gets stressed, or upset about something(usually about once a month) whether or not I have anything to do with it, she will take it out of me. It usually consists of not talking to me (I'm a very gregarious/social person), acting annoyed when I try to talk or cheer her up, and lashing out. It hurts my feelings, and I feel has a physical toll as well. When I've tried to talk to her about this, she says that not talking for days about something that is bothering her is how she deals with things, and if I don't like it, that's too bad. I'm trying to build a life with her, but at the same time, episodes like the one described above make me wary. I'm asking, from people with previous experience, is it worth it staying and trying to power through? Or does it seem like I should try to get out? Along those lines, advice for breaking up with someone you live with? Pms?.......
sdraw108 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Pms?....... I noticed the exact same thing and was going to post something similar! To the OP: I experienced something similar to what you're talking about in one of my relationships. She would keep something that was bothering her totally bottled up, so I would have no clue something was wrong. Then all of a sudden she would lash out and we'd have a big fight. It was both surprising and incredibly frustrating - it would typically be something rather small and inane that I could have easily stopped doing if I'd known it was bothering her. For example, once it was because she didn't like me touching her face when I kissed her (she said it ruined her makeup). Other times, instead of lashing out, she'd just lock herself in her room unexpectedly e.g. once she did it right as we were both about to go out for someone's birthday, and after a protracted time of me trying to talk to her through the door to find out what was wrong, I ended up going out by myself, at her request. She'd make me suffer with anxiety for a day or two before finally explaining what it was about. With hindsight, I consider this a form of emotional abuse. Unfortunately, for me at least, I never found a way to get her to change, or to be more open with me as and when things were upsetting her. Your girl has basically told you that she can't/won't change either. Ultimately, you have to decide if you can learn to live with it, because it will probably always be a part of your relationship. Having been through it once, I would never accept it again. And I try to look out for the signs from the beginning. Unfortunately, this is not particularly easy, because girls who do this usually practice bait-and-switch, and seem really nice and easy going until the first "explosion" - which might not be for a long time, maybe even past the honeymoon phase. Good luck.
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