Unexpected affair and feeling at loss.

[Chi townD]

You need to get into marriage counseling. She still needs to continue to see her psychologist. Right now, she's put up a wall and you and the kids are on the other side of it. It's like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop because she knows she doesn't deserve a second chance and it's only a matter of time before you realize that. So, she trying not to get too emotionally invested.

 

So, I strongly recommend that you two get into marriage counseling. But, do your homework and find one that specializes in infidelity.

 

Then! I also STRONGLY recommend that you take the kids and drop them off at the grandparents house and you and her have an extended getaway weekend. Go somewhere new, far away and nice. Everything around her right now is a constant reminder of what she did to you and the kids...EVERYTHING! So, she (and you) could use a break from that. Go away for a few days...just the two of you and try to reconnect.

[2sunny]

Are you helping your wife cover up her bad behavior with little/no consequences?

[NorthernGuy]

I am back. Ouch to some of the posts and I disagree with a lot o what was said. But some does have merit for me in my situation.I did have my facts screwed up a bit. I sat my wife down and I asked her to tell me everythin again. She did so willingly. When I got confused I asked her to clarify. It is a lot of information. I still cannot understand how I wasn't suspicious but even in hindsight I cannot remember any sort of warning signs. Thinga I should have picked up on.

 

My wife was run down after the birth of our second son. She hardly went out with any of her old friends. One friend I even encourage her to hang out but se told me that that friend and her common law boyfriend were into a semi open marriage. My wife said to each their own but she felt that they were drifting apart over it. I like the couple but agreed with my wife it was better if they didn't hang out all the time. But I still felt she needed to get out more. So we started to go to birthdays and dinner parties. Something we had stopped.

 

It was at a dinner party that my wife got chatting with her affair partner. Neither of us really knew him. I had graduated with his wife and we were at most of these functions together. Her husband less so. My wife said they hit it off but she really didn't think much of it. Then his wife and her started to hit it off and hang out. I was glad because she had a friend again.

 

My wife told me that one day on a fb conversation the husband asked her what her favourite sexual fantasy was. My wife said she felt a cold sweat go over her. They hadn't chatted or hung out a whole bunch and their conversations were usually about their kids or mutual interests. My wife didn't respond right away. She deleted it and ignored it. She admits now it excited her but at the tine she told herself she didn't want me to stop her friendship with his wife. She knew telling either of us would.

 

The husband saw she has seen the message and not replied. So he sent anoter message apologizing for being forward. That he hadn't meant anything by it as he was just a very sexual person. My wife replied back that it was okay, she was not used to talking about such things with other people let alone another man. ( my wife had all these messages archived so this time I read them. Though they did not so any more sex chat on facebook but rather took it to WoW and some texting)

 

My wife decides to pretend it never happened. But she did talk to his wife and sort of fished about infidelity. That was when she found out this man had cheated on his wife three times previous. That was also when she found out from her friend that the friend didn't mind harmless flirting or induendos just no actual touching. My wife says she told her in such a way as to suggest that it lead my wife to believe the friend knew her husband had been hitting on her. My wife told me none of this. She says now that she was being tempted to play along with him and didn't want mu suspicions raised by his past experiences.

 

So, my wife held his gaze the next time they were together. That nigt they "played" wow and he asked her again what her sexual fantasies were. She told him she had none. He told her that his was to get his hands on her and that he had been pretending at times his wife was her since meeting her.

 

This sort of talk went on for a while. About a month or so. They neer said or did anything around each other. My wife said she started to feel really pent up and anxious. She said there were times she wanted to tell me everything but when she thought about doing that she felt ill. And she didn't want to end her "fun"

 

Then, at a party she saw him go outside alone so she slipped out after him. He grabbed her and pushed her against the wall and kissed her. When my wife told me that part I stopped her and told her I didn't want anymore details.

 

After they finally got physical they snuck off more and more. Until they were both worried they'd get caught so they took a break. The break was my wife's idea and he fully agreed. My wife started popping anti anxiety pills around this time too. This was when I noticed she seemed to be slipping into being unhappy again. She wasn't hangin out with her friend anymore except at group things. She was also not interested in any ofher usual past times.

 

My wife said the sick feeling of what she did was starting to make her want to just get out of it all. She didn't think her childreb or I should have such a terrible person in her life. She started to get suicidal. The guy and her hadn't really took a break but he started to get nervous she was going to tell and told her it would be a bad idea. I saw these fb messages. He then got mad and told her she was crazy and she had made the whole thing up. That she was lying about things and she had been to drunk to really remember what happened.

 

My wife told me right after. For a week she had cried and cried and I couldn't comfort her at all. I had no idea about any of this. After she confessed she seemed to be mostly better. She texted his wife a confession. The wife flipped out and started spreading it around that my wife was a whore who tried to steal her husband. Then she got a girlfriend for themselves which we heard through a mutual friend who should have kept their mouths shut.

 

So my wife deleted her fb, got rid of wow and deleted them out of her contacts. I did go and talk to the wife but she was very cold and told me to control my wife better and that my wife was lying to me about the whole thing. That they had not had sex ever or kissed. I was angry so just left as there was nothing I could say or do.

 

I did not confront him. He is nothing to me. Perhaps if he wasn't bigger and I was a fighter I'd punch him but in any fight I'd lose. I also don't think violence is the answer. My wife willingly went along with him. She is a grown woman.

 

My wife is a mess. She rarely smiles and takes care of the kids and never goe anywhere. Last night when he rwtold me everything she cried and told me she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. I told her she was right but she had it anyways.

 

There has been no contact. When I went to that BQ I went because I did nothing wrong and have no reason to be ashamed. I ignored the other couple and they ignored me. No Drama.

 

I may sound calm on this forum but I am not. I do feel rage towards the other couple.

 

All I want is to put this in the past and help my wife heal. Yes, she did it to herself but I still want her to get better and past this. And I want to do whatever I can to help her.

[Artie Lang]

i feel you're going about it in the best way possible. it's obvious you want to reconcile with her, so go for it.

 

it's your decision m'man.

 

 

you're gonna get a lot of "advice" around here, so take what you need and leave the rest.

[bubbaganoosh]

Why do you feel rage towards the other couple and not your wife? You seem to forget that it takes two to tango. Yeah you should be pissed at the other couple because their two dysfunctional people the have little or no respect of each other let alone anyone else, but the OM didn't put a gun to your wife's head, he didn't threaten her with bodily harm or her family, didn't blackmail her, she was a willing participate in this affair. She said she played along. She said she slipped outside after him and that's when they kissed. she said she didn't want to end their fun and what your not getting is she did this at you and your families expense.

Maybe this guy is bigger and maybe you would have got your ass kicked but your getting your ass kicked at home by rolling over and playing dead for your wife. You think that by rug sweeping this mess is going to get you and her over the hump your crazy. Your wife will get better with medication and she can resume her normal life mentally but your just laying the ground work for something like this to happen again. You didn't think it would happen the first time did you? You haven't bothered to lay down any conditions of reconciliation. You had to sit down and have her tell the story over and it didn't get better. It got worse. You both need some serious IC. Your not helping her in any way doing nothing. You have to show her that this type of disrespect will not and cannot be tolerated and if it happens again, then her fear of being thrown out on her ear will become reality. Your letting her know by doing nothing is that the next time, she'll have enough sense to keep it to herself and just keep stringing you along.

 

Read some other threads here and see how many have been strung along for years and years. That's you in the near future.

[NorthernGuy]

Why do you feel rage towards the other couple and not your wife? You seem to forget that it takes two to tango. Yeah you should be pissed at the other couple because their two dysfunctional people the have little or no respect of each other let alone anyone else, but the OM didn't put a gun to your wife's head, he didn't threaten her with bodily harm or her family, didn't blackmail her, she was a willing participate in this affair. She said she played along. She said she slipped outside after him and that's when they kissed. she said she didn't want to end their fun and what your not getting is she did this at you and your families expense.

 

I respectively disagree with your perspective on this. I feel rage but perhaps that is too strong of a word. Disgust might be better and usually only when I come into some sort of contact with them. I do not feel rage or disgust towards my wife because I love her. I think what she did was wrong. It makes me terribly sad but I love her very much. I do not love the other couple. My memories of good times with them are tainted knowing all this was going on. My wife and I on the other hand have seven years of good memories. I refuse to let this ruin that for me. I don't know where i stated that I didn't think she was at fault. I do. And so does she. Just because I am not smacking her around for it doesn't mean I think it was okay.

Maybe this guy is bigger and maybe you would have got your ass kicked but your getting your ass kicked at home by rolling over and playing dead for your wife. You think that by rug sweeping this mess is going to get you and her over the hump your crazy. Your wife will get better with medication and she can resume her normal life mentally but your just laying the ground work for something like this to happen again.

 

I disagree. I think medication may help the depression but it won't change what she did. And I don't see how loving her and staying with her is "laying the groundwork". She is either going to cheat again or she is not. It will once again be her choice. Not mine. Not yours. Not some other guy's.

You didn't think it would happen the first time did you?

no, and I was wrong. I could be wrong again. I can't control another person's feelings and actions but this is a risk I feel is worth taking for my family.

 

You haven't bothered to lay down any conditions of reconciliation.

I did. I told her if she steps outside the marriage again we are done. i did not tell her that I honestly don't know inside if that is true or not. I believe it is but before she cheated this time I thought infidelity was a deal breaker for me and it was not. You never know how you are going to react until you do.

 

You had to sit down and have her tell the story over and it didn't get better. It got worse.

I never said it got worse. I said I get things confused in my own mind. The story was the same. I just still didn't want to hear the gross details like what position they were in or how much tongue was used. I don't need any mental pictures and I am very good at stopping myself from creating them.

 

You both need some serious IC.

I agree. already there.

Your not helping her in any way doing nothing. You have to show her that this type of disrespect will not and cannot be tolerated and if it happens again, then her fear of being thrown out on her ear will become reality. Your letting her know by doing nothing is that the next time, she'll have enough sense to keep it to herself and just keep stringing you along.

I do not feel I need to be her prison warden. I do not need to yell at her and hound her every step. She knows she hurt me. She saw me cry. I believe she has learned that the in the moment fun she had was not worth the heart ache she is suffering now. Yes, I will probably be looking closer at her behaviour if and when such an opportunity arises. For now there really isn't anything I need to do. You and some others seem to think I should be screaming at her, slapping her around. Punishing her by being cold and distant. What would that accomplish? For me nothing because it isn't who I am. For her it would just drive her further into her shell. I will not police her. I am not God, and I do not need to act like i think I am. Her punishment is the fact that for the rest of her life she has to live with the knowledge she betrayed me. That seems to be enough for her. IF I needed to do more. If she didn't seem sorry. Then my stance would be different. I would be done with her if she was continuing on or had no signs of remorse.

 

Read some other threads here and see how many have been strung along for years and years. That's you in the near future.

 

I did , thank you, most of the people had spouses who trickle truthed, were caught, went back to cheating. My wife has done none of these things.

[oldshirt]

. Something we had stopped.

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did not confront him. He is nothing to me. Perhaps if he wasn't bigger and I was a fighter I'd punch him but in any fight I'd lose. I also don't think violence is the answer.

 

 

Violence may not be the answer and may not cure anything but it sends a strong message to him and to your wife.

 

Not confronting him because you think you will lose is a 100% defeatist attitude.

 

Many times just confronting evil and fighting back is good enough, you don't have to actually win. In this case if you confronted him and told him off or even if you went ahead and punched him it would send a strong message to him, your wife and to yourself that you aren't a spineless wuss and you won't take it laying down.

 

Even if he completely kicked your ass and sent you to the hospital the message would still be just as clear. And women are funny creatures. They don't always leave with the winner of the fight. Sometimes just being willing to stand up and take a beating for them is good enough.

[aliveagain]

[quote=NorthernGuy;5105308

 

 

 

I did , thank you, most of the people had spouses who trickle truthed, were caught, went back to cheating. My wife has done none of these things.

 

 

Cheaters are liars, your wife has done none of these things that you know of now. Is there anytime you question? A time that your gut tells you maybe you don't have all the truth? Was this her first affair, how do you know, because she said so? This is the time not to trust, she needs to do the work of gaining your trust back, she needs to work on getting your forgiveness. You shouldn't just hand that back to her because 3 years from now there is a very good chance if she hasn't done the hard work you may be back here after wasting years in false reconciliation.

Edited August 4, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[Coolit]

I am sorry that you are going thru this NG. Infedility sucks on both sides (unless the ws is able to harden their heart). I am the ww in my marriage. Our stories are similar so I'm going to go out on a limb and share.

 

For me my husband's forgiveness was harder to bare than if he had reacted as I had expected. His love hurts as I know I don't deserve it. But I am ever so thankful for it. And the yucky awful feeling I have when my mind drifts to what I did I hang on to. Because should temptation ever arise the memories of what I put myself and my little family thru will send me running to my husband.

 

As to your wife's dark mood. Hang in there. She will get better. For me I am slowly having more good days then bad. But, if at anytime you feel your wife is going to harm herself take her to the hospital immediately. You do not have to deal with that alone.

 

I told my husband the whole truth. No threat of exposure I did it voluntarily. If you feel your wife has then don't let others make you doubt. Many on here do not believe waywards can have a full change of heart on our own. And I am sure some can't. But if you find any part of her story confusing as for her to tell it again.

 

And as was already said, don't forget to take care of yourself.

[Try]

And I don't see how loving her and staying with her is "laying the groundwork". She is either going to cheat again or she is not. It will once again be her choice. Not mine. Not yours. Not some other guy's.

You are laying the groundwork by rug sweeping and forgiving her too easily. She is saying to herself, wow, is that all? I just need to cry and say that I am sorry and that’s it?

 

I did. I told her if she steps outside the marriage again we are done. i did not tell her that I honestly don't know inside if that is true or not.

By you rug sweeping and forgiving so easily, she knows.

 

I do not feel I need to be her prison warden.

This goes along with you saying earlier that “I do not feel as though I own my wife. I do not feel like I control her.” Since you are unwilling to give her any consequences for her outright cheating on you, it makes sense that you are unwilling to setup logical marital boundaries that would require you to enforce them with consequences. She will see this and know that she can cheat again if the right opportunity presents itself, and it will. There are guys out there that prefer to go after married women. They want sex without financial obligation and married women give then this. They also love the feeling of taking another man’s wife because it makes them feel superior to the husband and more alpha. These men look for husbands and wives with your dynamics and can spot them a mile away. Google “how to seduce a married women”, it will be an eye opener.

 

I did , thank you, most of the people had spouses who trickle truthed, were caught, went back to cheating. My wife has done none of these things.

And you know that she has told you everything and about everyone she has cheated with how?

[NorthernGuy]

1. How am I to "punish" my wife? And I think my boundries are clear to her. She knew she crossed the line when she crossed the line which was not telling me about this couple and what was being said. She knew that by hiding conversations she was in the wrong. Perhaps to punish her I'll take away her xbox for a month? Or give her the cold shoulder and kick her to the spare bedroom. Or not. Because that is not me. And I think that would just be me trying to be the parent and not the adult.

 

2. I believe her. I have no reason to doubt her. She told me of her own free will. I even saw the final fb convos with him. She told him she felt like she needed to tell. He begged her not too. Told her they couldn't even be friends anymore. Then, when she didn't confirm with him she wasn't going to tell, he got threatening. So I know that there was no risk of exposure. It makes little sense for her to feel guilty about this affair and not any previous ones. Any one who would be suspiceous would be looking for more dirt. Sorry, you're not going to convince me she is anything but remorseful.