Unexpected affair and feeling at loss.

[NorthernGuy]

About two months ago I found out from wife she had been in an affair. I knew for a few weeks she was an emotional mess and suicidal. I thought it was because of some big life events. She was trying to get in to a shrink but things like that can take a while. I got a call from her one day while I was working to come home right away. Something in her voice prompted me to listen. When I walked in the door she met me and broke down crying. That is when she dropped the bomb.

I Knew who it was and asked her and she said yes. I only knew because he was the only man who she had any contact with. She then told me everything or at least I think so. She told me a lot of things I didn't want to hear. Things that shocked me about the woman I have been married to for 5 years. We have two small children, a house and what I thought was a good life. I admit I hadn't really been interested in sex with her. I had even gone to the doctor on her urgings to see if it was a medical problem. Got told the low libido was mood related. But besides that we neer have huge fights, have lots of fun, and do everything together. Or so I thought.

She expected me to kick her to the curb but I didn't. She is the love of my life and mother of my children. The Affair was supposed to be about sex but my Wife admitted that she did get feelings for him. He is married and she said they never said I love you or planned to leave.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I am not more upset than I am. I am disgusted with the other couple because He persued sex with my wife who had only been with me up to this year. And his wife because she knew something was going on and never told me even though we have been friends since highschool. I also find it terrible how she is treating my wife and making a point of slandering her and defending her husband who I believe has cheated on her in the past.

But as disappointed in my Wife as I am I feel I have forgiven her. It makes me feel sad and helpless to see her so altered. She hardly leaves the house except to see her shrink or for the children. She rarely smiles anymore and cries at any given time. She seems to be unable to forgive herself. I want my fiendly, happy wife back. Is this normal? Does she just need more time or is there something I can do to help?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

She has a lot going on.

 

For one thing, she still has feelings for the other guy.

 

For another, the problems that existed before in your marriage, still exist now.

 

She is questioning her life decisions, her marriage to you.

 

She is wondering if things ever will get better for you.

 

She is disgusted that she did this and got caught (by the other man's wife - which is likely why you got a confession).

 

She feels like an idiot for developing feelings for him and then him refusing to leave his wife for her. She is questioning her own judgment and her ability to decide what she wants.

 

I can almost 100% guarantee you, what you're seeing is her feeling sorry for herself, more than her feeling sorry for you.

 

These are the types of things she likely is feeling.

[HopingAgain]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Are you sure that there wasn't a Dday on the OMs end? Its possible his wife foundv out about the affair and he ended things with your wife. Hisb wife also may have threatened to tell you, and your wife might have confessed to beat her to the punch. That may help explain why she is so broken up now. Have you talked to the OMs wife since all this happened?

[janedoe67]

I am sorry you are here. I am a FWW, and the first thing I want to tell you is that it is GOOD that she is so broken over what she has done. Lots of WS's end the A and want to move on without ever really being broken about what they did.

 

In my case, my husband also has a very low libido. This does NOT in any way excuse the choice to have an affair - period. However, the sex issue is something you will both have to address, probably with a MC, at some point. But right now you are only two months out and things are raw.

 

You say that you have forgiven and you are not as upset as you think you should be. This may be in part because you are probably in the role of caretaker for your wife is she is in such bad shape. It is admirable of you, but YOU need to be able to grieve and heal as well. I would recommend trying to really work on a good psychologist/counselor for your wife. The whole burden of this doesn't need to fall on you. It is pretty normal for someone who is truly remorseful to still be very upset only two months out. I had pretty long bouts of that even two years out. She may be struggling with depression, and getting her to a counselor would be good because they can recommend that she see her doctor about anti-depressants. That helped me tremendously.

 

I would recommend you both read Surviving an Affair, maybe even together. I am glad you have found this forum for support, and I think it is a good place to come. In fact, if she wants support, this may be a good place to come as well, If she is already struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, there are some forums out there that would be emotionally damaging for her. But this one is pretty balanced.

 

She CAN get through this, though she may not feel that way now. Stepping up and helping YOU will make her feel tons better. As far as the OM and his wife, it sounds like they have their own issues. If your wife makes amends with you and your marriage recovers and is strong, it won;t matter in the end what this woman or her husband say. Your marriage and your wife's transformation will speak for itself.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

What you can do to help is to cut off all contact with the other man. The less she has to do with him, the sooner she will recover and get over him.

 

You haven't posted a lot of details, so it's hard to determine where your wife stands with detaching from this guy.

 

Does she still talk to him? Is he still friends with her on social media? Has she blocked him? How did they communicate? How did they meet up? If it was just sex, why did she pick this guy and not someone you didn't know? Why not a single man?

 

She has to understand why she did this and so do you.

[janedoe67]

Yes, definitely no contact. Both the OM and his wife need to be cut off permanently. That means ANY kind of contact. Even looking at him on facebook should be off limits to her.

 

She probably does have some feelings of self-pity. It is hard to pull out of the selfish mindset that goes along with ever affair. But I can tell you as a FWW that a lot of my darkness DID also come from seeing my husband in such pain and looking at the truth of what I had done and the kind of woman I had let myself become. The best way for her to pull out of that is to work on being an honorable woman again.

[NorthernGuy]

She has a lot going on.

 

For one thing, she still has feelings for the other guy.

 

I see it as a break up for her. She hasn't been through any break ups before and I wonder if this makes it harder. But her feelings recently towards her guy seem to be anger. She wouldn't let me lay blame at his feet at first. She said she was to blame 100% for her actions. She still feels that way but the last she mentioned him she told me she hated admitting he is a skeeze because she had liked him and she felt foolish for falling for a slime ball... but he is a slime ball. That was the first time I heard her insult her and it made me happy. I think if she had did it at first I would have doubted her sincerity but it seems genuine. She doesn't talk about him anymore.

 

For another, the problems that existed before in your marriage, still exist now.

 

during the last part of her affair I seemed to get a bit of my libido back and actually wanted to have more sex. We are no where near sex crazed but we do have sex more now than we were.

 

She is questioning her life decisions, her marriage to you.

 

She is wondering if things ever will get better for you.

 

This was actually what I thought was going on with her sudden mood drop.

 

She is disgusted that she did this and got caught (by the other man's wife - which is likely why you got a confession).

 

She was not caught. His wife and her were friends and his wife knew she had a crush on her husband and encouraged their flirting when I wasn't present. His wife did not find out anything actually happened in real life until after my wife confessed to me. My wife does say she is disgusted.

 

She feels like an idiot for developing feelings for him and then him refusing to leave his wife for her. She is questioning her own judgment and her ability to decide what she wants.

She said it ended before they got to the point of her wanting him to end his relationship. She knew he had cheated on his wife before and she also said she found his treatment of his wife disgusting at times and even during the affair knew he was not the kind of man she would want to marry.

 

I can almost 100% guarantee you, what you're seeing is her feeling sorry for herself, more than her feeling sorry for you.

 

These are the types of things she likely is feeling.

 

Thank you for your helpful insight. I am not sure if it all fits but you are probably right.

[NorthernGuy]

I am sorry you are here. I am a FWW, and the first thing I want to tell you is that it is GOOD that she is so broken over what she has done. Lots of WS's end the A and want to move on without ever really being broken about what they did.

 

In my case, my husband also has a very low libido. This does NOT in any way excuse the choice to have an affair - period. However, the sex issue is something you will both have to address, probably with a MC, at some point. But right now you are only two months out and things are raw.

 

You say that you have forgiven and you are not as upset as you think you should be. This may be in part because you are probably in the role of caretaker for your wife is she is in such bad shape. It is admirable of you, but YOU need to be able to grieve and heal as well. I would recommend trying to really work on a good psychologist/counselor for your wife. The whole burden of this doesn't need to fall on you. It is pretty normal for someone who is truly remorseful to still be very upset only two months out. I had pretty long bouts of that even two years out. She may be struggling with depression, and getting her to a counselor would be good because they can recommend that she see her doctor about anti-depressants. That helped me tremendously.

 

I would recommend you both read Surviving an Affair, maybe even together. I am glad you have found this forum for support, and I think it is a good place to come. In fact, if she wants support, this may be a good place to come as well, If she is already struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, there are some forums out there that would be emotionally damaging for her. But this one is pretty balanced.

 

She CAN get through this, though she may not feel that way now. Stepping up and helping YOU will make her feel tons better. As far as the OM and his wife, it sounds like they have their own issues. If your wife makes amends with you and your marriage recovers and is strong, it won;t matter in the end what this woman or her husband say. Your marriage and your wife's transformation will speak for itself.

 

I had to find a list of acronyms. Some are obvious but your fww had me confused.

 

My wife is on anti depressants. But it has only been a few weeks on the recent ones because they were having trouble finding ones that didn't make her ill. I will suggest she check out this site but I am not sure if she will. She has barely touched her laptop since she confessed. I know she feels the pressure of having had an affair in our social circle. She deactivated her facebook account. She won't go anywhere without me except her mom's. Our house has never been cleaner! I don't know what to ask her for. I don't feel I need anything. All I want is for her to be happy again and I can't force her to fake it for my sake because I think that will only make things worse.

[NorthernGuy]

What you can do to help is to cut off all contact with the other man. The less she has to do with him, the sooner she will recover and get over him.

She has no contact with him. She hasn't seen him since before she confessed. She did send him a facebook message before she deactivated her account asking him to tell his wife the truth so that his wife would listen to her. I think she is feeling the loss of her friend more than her loved but that could a ruse.

 

You haven't posted a lot of details, so it's hard to determine where your wife stands with detaching from this guy.

 

Does she still talk to him? Is he still friends with her on social media? Has she blocked him? How did they communicate? How did they meet up? If it was just sex, why did she pick this guy and not someone you didn't know? Why not a single man?

No she does not talk to him. She unfriended him before deleting her Facebook account. She actually unfriended him before confessing. And they communicated at first by facebook, then text and then their inappropriate conversations were kept to WoW. My wife is no longer on facebook and no longer playing wow. I have always managed the bills and last I checked their were no texts to him or anyone I didn't know.

 

They snuck off at social gatherings. Like around the corner kissing and touching. They really mostly just chatted. They only had sex three times. And those were quickies. I am not concerned about him contacting her again because he already has a new girlfriend but this time with his wife's permission.

 

As to why this guy my wife said because she felt attracted to him and thought he was to her. And then they started chatting on facebook at first innocent and then about sex likes and dislikes. She says that she knew it was wrong from the beginning but chose to ignore the little voice telling her to stop and she went with it. She wasn't looking for an affair or sex but didn't say no when this opportunity came. My wife is not a flirt. I was her only boyfriend.

 

She has to understand why she did this and so do you.

 

Can we ever? My wife doesn't want to make excuses so she just says she chose to do it.

 

If I were to say I would say it happened because of many reasons all at once.

 

Her age, her lack of experience with men, her depression, his being almost a decade older and far more experienced, his words of flattery that probably made her feel good when I know I made her feel bad not wanting to have sex with her. Depression often happens when we are being really self centred so I think she was thinking about herself too much.

[NorthernGuy]

Yes, definitely no contact. Both the OM and his wife need to be cut off permanently. That means ANY kind of contact. Even looking at him on facebook should be off limits to her.

 

She probably does have some feelings of self-pity. It is hard to pull out of the selfish mindset that goes along with ever affair. But I can tell you as a FWW that a lot of my darkness DID also come from seeing my husband in such pain and looking at the truth of what I had done and the kind of woman I had let myself become. The best way for her to pull out of that is to work on being an honorable woman again.

 

Thank you for your insight. I have already been to a BQ where her guy and his wife were. I ignored them and they ignored me. My wife was not there as she knew they would be in attendance. I am hoping in time that she will be able to come out with me even if there is a chance of their presence but I am not demanding that of her.

 

I think she is trying to be honourable again but she is just so sad. I hate seeing her so sad.

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't understand something. You said that your wife and the OM wife are friends and the OM wife knew that your wife had a crush on her husband and encouraged her to flirt with her husband when you weren't around? Is that what your saying? What's wrong with this picture?

 

That makes absolutely no sense to me. Honestly I smell a rat in the wood pile. I'm only guessing here and in no way making accusations but are you sure there wasn't a three way going on here with your wife, the Om and his wife and the reason the OM wife got pissed is because your wife and the OM didn't keep it a three way and got together without his wife? Why would she encourage flirting with her husband? All that promotes is trouble unless his wife is getting something out of it. This is something that you should be asking and checking out because it's really fishy.

[NorthernGuy]

I don't understand something. You said that your wife and the OM wife are friends and the OM wife knew that your wife had a crush on her husband and encouraged her to flirt with her husband when you weren't around? Is that what your saying? What's wrong with this picture?

 

That makes absolutely no sense to me. Honestly I smell a rat in the wood pile. I'm only guessing here and in no way making accusations but are you sure there wasn't a three way going on here with your wife, the Om and his wife and the reason the OM wife got pissed is because your wife and the OM didn't keep it a three way and got together without his wife? Why would she encourage flirting with her husband? All that promotes is trouble unless his wife is getting something out of it. This is something that you should be asking and checking out because it's really fishy.

 

I will do some more digging on this. I never really thought about that part. I do know my wife said in explanation that his wife enjoyed other women wanting her husband and not getting to have him. She said that she always talked about how her husband told her everything and he would never do anything behind her back. My wife said she never pursued those conversations because she didn't understand if his wife really believed that or was just fishing. And she also didn't understand how his wife could be so sure when her husband had cheated on her multiple times in the past and she knew about it.

 

Maybe his wife was considering a threesome? everybody says his new girlfriend is "their" girlfriend. Or maybe they did have a threesome and my wife is worried if she tells me I will demand one of my own. I don't know why she wouldn't mention that and tell me the other things she did that were far worse against me.

[bubbaganoosh]

Northern

 

What exactly is your deal breaker in this marriage? Is cheating one? Reason why I'm asking is that IF and I say IF it's true and there was a three way with your wife, the OM and his wife, you say that if she tells you that you might demand one of your own. First thing. Two wrongs don't make a right. That won't help but I can promise you it will lead to more problems than you already have so if you want to go that way, it's not advisable. Not to mention that if it's a MFF three way, good chance your wife is bi and another surprise. I hope I'm not filling your head with all kinds of terrible things but the approved flirting by the OM wife leads down a path that you didn't know existed and the only conclusion is that all three got together. You have to draw a line with your wife and set some boundaries because you have none and she really needs some.

[Bryanp]

Since we know that the OM has cheated before and it sounds like this other couple is into 3 ways (probably with your wife), then it is absolutely essential that the both of you get tested for STD's immediately. I doubt that she used protection.

[NorthernGuy]

Northern

 

What exactly is your deal breaker in this marriage? Is cheating one? Reason why I'm asking is that IF and I say IF it's true and there was a three way with your wife, the OM and his wife, you say that if she tells you that you might demand one of your own. First thing. Two wrongs don't make a right. That won't help but I can promise you it will lead to more problems than you already have so if you want to go that way, it's not advisable. Not to mention that if it's a MFF three way, good chance your wife is bi and another surprise. I hope I'm not filling your head with all kinds of terrible things but the approved flirting by the OM wife leads down a path that you didn't know existed and the only conclusion is that all three got together. You have to draw a line with your wife and set some boundaries because you have none and she really needs some.

 

I have no desire for a threesome. One woman is more than enough for me. I don't have any desire for a revenge affair. When I was much younger my best friend was given the go ahead from his wife to have an affair because she had. I did not agree with it then and I don't now. If other people want open marriages and that it is their prerogative but not for me. What I meant is the only way I could see my wife hiding a threesome from me would be her being afraid I'd demand one.

 

The deal breaker for me would be if wife wanted to continue relations with other men. Or possibly if she cheats again. Some things you don't know until they happen. I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to forgive infidelity before it happened to me.

 

I am not sure what you mean by boundries? I had no idea I needed to be suspicious of this couple. The other wife and I have known each other since highschool. We have always had the same friends. We have bever been close friends ourselves but I would still have considered her a friend. I never really knew her husband until recently because he was not really a part of our social circle.

[NorthernGuy]

Since we know that the OM has cheated before and it sounds like this other couple is into 3 ways (probably with your wife), then it is absolutely essential that the both of you get tested for STD's immediately. I doubt that she used protection.

 

Done. That was the first thing I made sure of. My wife told me that she had believed him when he had assured her he was clean. His wife had insisted on testing after she caught him in his last affair. Them having a "girlfriend" appears to be a new thing. I am not to concerned over their marriage. It would be better off over but I think my former friend may be trying one last thing to keep her guy faithful.

[sadwithouthim]

I think it's good that you've easily forgiven her, and probably shows there is love.

 

You should work on fixing yourself, and your contribution to the marital problems. Try some natural things to boost your mood, and maybe it will boost your sex drive. Medications can make the sex drive lower, so I wouldn't go that route. Maybe try exercise, and finding things to be grateful and happy for at the start of each day. See if she would like to start a wellness program with you.

[BeholdtheMan]

I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I am not more upset than I am.

You mentioned low libido. Do you have low testosterone levels? You seem to be very passive and...apathetic. I mean this is odd. You're not reacting like a normal man who values his wife.

 

A lot of betrayed guys who post on LS are emotional wrecks, they're sad, they're angry, but they can't bring themselves to leave their cheating wives...in part due to their own belief that they lack options.

 

You on the other hand don't seem to be very angry or very sad. It's as if you're only feeling mild disgust at the OM and his wife

 

You sound like you're totally understanding of your wife's need for sex with another man. Maybe you should get checked for low testosterone levels. I'm not even kidding. You and I are like two different species.

[bubbaganoosh]

Boundaries are rules that both of you keep. If you knew that the OM wife was encouraging your wife to flirt with her husband, no doubt you would have stepped in and said "No way". You don't flirt with another guy even if the OM wife wants you too. One the other hand, your wife should have enough COMMON SENSE that when her friend said, "go ahead and flirt with my husband" that something like that just doesn't add up unless there's an ulterior motive. In most relationships, if something like that happens, most of the time the wife will tell her husband, "You aren't going to believe this but _____ just told me to flirt with her husband and I find that odd or creepy". But your wife didn't tell you that. If you did that to your wife, chances are you would be living in a motel somewhere on the edge of town looking for an apartment. I still say take her for a polygraph and find the truth. If you let this go and do nothing, in so many ways your telling your wife that it's ok to step out on you and you'll forgive her again and again. She will lose all respect for you and once that happens, it's really hard to get it back. Let her know that if she's going to be your wife that she better start acting like one and dump this friend and her husband because their toxic. If this guy was your friend, he wouldn't have messed with your wife. Right now, your doing a good imitation of a dog rolling over and playing dead. Don't do that friend. You deserve better. If it was my wife who did that, she would be gone. I will not be treated like a door mat where she can wipe her feet on it any time she feels like it.

[NorthernGuy]

I am not really a forum sort of guy but the thought of talking about this stuff to real life people makes me ill. I don't care if people who don't know me think I am a doormat. I'm not sure if I am or not. My wife is like dealing with someone made of glass. I worry at any moment she may break. Up until this she was a pretty good wife. She stayed home with the kids and cooked faithfuly. Her cleaning wasn't up to my standards but I understood that with two small children it was pretty clean compared to my friend's wives.

 

I get things somewhat mixed up so I plan to ak my wofe to retell her story to me wheb I get home this evening. I really didn't want to hear it the first time so i may not have paid as close of attention to it as I should have.

 

My testosterone level is normal. I in no way think our low sex life was an acceptable reason for her to fool around on me. I just know it was a problem and possibly a factor in the situation.

 

I am also not your average guy. I do not feel as though I own my wife. I do not feel like I control her. We are an equel team. I expected us to remain faithful but she did not. I do not have any desire to punish her I only asked her not to do it again and to find new friends. She was tempted and did not resist. To me shr was faced with a decision and made a poor choice. I refuse to let one poor choice in our marriage to destroy us. For better or for worse. And this is the worse.

[oldshirt]

I am not really a forum sort of guy but the thought of talking about this stuff to real life people makes me ill. I don't care if people who don't know me think I am a doormat. I'm not sure if I am or not. My wife is like dealing with someone made of glass. I worry at any moment she may break. Up until this she was a pretty good wife. She stayed home with the kids and cooked faithfuly. Her cleaning wasn't up to my standards but I understood that with two small children it was pretty clean compared to my friend's wives.

 

I get things somewhat mixed up so I plan to ak my wofe to retell her story to me wheb I get home this evening. I really didn't want to hear it the first time so i may not have paid as close of attention to it as I should have.

 

My testosterone level is normal. I in no way think our low sex life was an acceptable reason for her to fool around on me. I just know it was a problem and possibly a factor in the situation.

 

I am also not your average guy. I do not feel as though I own my wife. I do not feel like I control her. We are an equel team. I expected us to remain faithful but she did not. I do not have any desire to punish her I only asked her not to do it again and to find new friends. She was tempted and did not resist. To me shr was faced with a decision and made a poor choice. I refuse to let one poor choice in our marriage to destroy us. For better or for worse. And this is the worse.

 

 

OK this is setting yourself up for her to cheat again or to just throw in the towel and walk when she finds a guy that both turns her on and is decent BF/husband material.

 

In your mind you are being understanding and open minded and tolerant but to her instinctive, subconscious mind you are being weak and passive and females are just simply not sexually attracted to weak, passive and timid males.

 

This is probably what you have been raised to do by Oprah and much of the rest of societal messages over the last 30 or so years but it is bassaskwards from how Mother Nature designed the sexes.

 

Women find comfort and security and respect and attraction/desire from strong, assertive men with strong boundaries that they define and defend with leadership and conviction. You are being a passive, wishy washy doormat who is worried that his wife feeewings are hurt since she cheated on him.

 

The reason she is acting so distraught over this is because you have NOT brought the Holy wrath of God down on her. Your passivity and acceptance and concern for her feeewings are making you look like a weak pussy to her and not only that but making her feel as you don't cherish and love her enough to guard her and protect her.

 

I guarantee you if you were blow a gasket on her and blow up with moral outrage at her and kick her ass out of the house until you decide whether you are going to take her back at all or not, It will actually be comforting to her even though that seems counterintuitive.

 

Then if you do decide to to try to reconcile then it is imperative that you smack down this affair, kick the other guys ass and demand they have absolute zero contact for life and forbid her from any kind of inappropriate communication or contact from any other man again.

 

Then you need to lay down specific and explicit terms for what she needs to do to remain in the maritial home and to earn your trust back. these can be things like enter into maritial counseling and dealing with your maritial issues (you'll have to address your sexual issues as well) and things like knowing where she is and who she is with at all times, complete unrestricted access to her computers, phone, email blah blah.

 

In other words her, conflict and turmoil is being caused by you NOT being pissed off and making demands on her. In a short period of time your passivity is going to cause her to completely lose respect and admiration of you and begin to seek out a "real man."

 

It is also causing her to seriously doubt your love and commitment to her since you are so accepting and not upset over her infidelity.

 

By smacking this down and giving her very clear boundaries and guidelines, it will actually give her something to work with and work towards.

 

Oh sure she'll argue and push back but just like a little kid, deep down she will be comforted by knowing where you stand and where she stands with her and she will be comforted by knowing where the boundaries are and that her husband really isn't a spineless wuss.

[bubbaganoosh]

I am not really a forum sort of guy but the thought of talking about this stuff to real life people makes me ill. I don't care if people who don't know me think I am a doormat. I'm not sure if I am or not. My wife is like dealing with someone made of glass. I worry at any moment she may break. Up until this she was a pretty good wife. She stayed home with the kids and cooked faithfuly. Her cleaning wasn't up to my standards but I understood that with two small children it was pretty clean compared to my friend's wives.

 

I get things somewhat mixed up so I plan to ak my wofe to retell her story to me wheb I get home this evening. I really didn't want to hear it the first time so i may not have paid as close of attention to it as I should have.

 

My testosterone level is normal. I in no way think our low sex life was an acceptable reason for her to fool around on me. I just know it was a problem and possibly a factor in the situation.

 

I am also not your average guy. I do not feel as though I own my wife. I do not feel like I control her. We are an equel team. I expected us to remain faithful but she did not. I do not have any desire to punish her I only asked her not to do it again and to find new friends. She was tempted and did not resist. To me shr was faced with a decision and made a poor choice. I refuse to let one poor choice in our marriage to destroy us. For better or for worse. And this is the worse.

 

You said that your an equal team. reread your thread. Does that sound equal to you? I understand that she feels like glass and will break at any time. It's call fear of the unknown, and for good reason. She expected you to throw her out You didn't. She's still afraid that you'll change your mind and give her the boot. You didn't. It comes down to this. You didn't appreciate being called a door mat. Sorry for the insult, wasn't meant to be one. It's clear to me and everyone that has given you advice that you choose to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the problem. You cannot just say "don't do that again." You, in your lack of appropriate way of handling this is sending her a message that she can do this again and get away with it and that as long as she doesn't make any more waves, all will be cool.

 

There is a good chance she had a threesome with these people. It's bad enough having an affair with her and another guy but his wife might, and probably was in on it and your not mad as hell about this? I hate to say this but you are on your way to another problem because your telling your wife that you don't care if she has another fling just as long as supper is on the table and she learns to run a sweeper better. Know what a cuckold is?

[aliveagain]

You are way too nice about this, you even went to a BQ with them and the guy can still walk? Friend if there is no consequence for banging a friend, what is her deterrent so she won't do it again? If you haven't been tested do so. Go with her, tell the doctor the truth so he knows what to test for, some STD's don't even show up for 6 months after the incident. The humiliation will be a deterrent to not do it again. Reading your post it almost sounds like she's the victim and not you. I hope you have all the truth.

[Try]

I do not feel as though I own my wife. I do not feel like I control her.

Reading this and other marraige sites, 100% of the time serial cheaters are married to men that say what you just said. It seems to be a required prerequisite. The truth is marriage is in fact all about being controlled by the boundaries of marriage. It is all about belonging to each other. The fact that you do not get this, is why she will cheat again. The affair partner (AP) is a predator. The AP and men like him can spot women and husbands like you a mile away. Unless you change the dynamics, this is only the beginning of it and not the end.

 

You forgave without consequences and quickly rug swept this. She is openly depressed that her AP dumped her for another girlfriend, and instead of feeling disrespected by her over this, you comfort her. She now knows that even if she gets caught cheating again, in the end you will take her back and move on. Please Google the word "Cuckold".

Edited August 2, 2013 by Try

[Spark1111]

NG, I disagree with much of what's been said.

 

I think you are handling this in a calm and mature manner.

 

health and safety must always come first; before relational issues and emotions.

 

Nothing will positively change by kicking a dog when it's down....not now.

 

Many depressed people go on to have affairs for stupid reasons having little to nothing to do with their marital contentment.

 

Besides getting the meds correct, is she talking to a counselor? Very, very important to combine the two.IMO.

 

Boundaries are protections to the marriage. You cannot be friends with people who are NOT a friend to the marriage. You cannot be friends with people of the opposite sex unless your spouse is a friend to them also. Too much temptation can happen.