Ending it once and for all- how?

[Betterthanthis13]

Some people hate metaphors, but I always find it helpful to translate a big problem into something else entirely so i can see the issue in a different light and dissect it in a less emotional way. Even if the metaphor isn't a perfect representation of the problem it can open new ways of thinking about it, so that the solution becomes clearer in time.

 

When you first get married your job was to make soup every day for your husband. You add all the special ingredients and he loves it. This is great for awhile. You feel great because he genuinely loves the soup. Then after awhile he stops liking it as much and doesn't tell you what's wrong. He secretly hates the green peppers but doesn't tell you. He wants you to add potatoes but doesn't tell you. You start getting upset because you work hard on the soup every day and he isn't responding the way you want and it is frustrating.

 

You try guessing what he would like by adding different things to make him like it better but nothing works. He acts the same way about the soup every day. you ask him to help you cook the soup one day so you can make it better for him but he refuses and says the soup is your job. he doesn't want to bother

 

So one day to punish him you add a bunch of vinegar to the soup. It makes you feel better for a minute, but then you realize he will be home soon and you don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him you ruined his soup on purpose. So you add some sugar to try to balance it out. He eats the soup that day as usual and doesn't say anything about the flavor. You feel relieved he didn't notice.

 

This goes on for 7 years. When you are mad at him you add vinegar to the soup, then try to cover it up with sugar. One day you even tell him about the vinegar, hoping he will let you know about the green peppers and potatoes he secretly wants but refuses to talk about. You never could figure out what was so wrong with the original soup that he stopped liking it.

 

Even after he found out about the vinegar, from your perspective he did not want to know WHY you did it- he refused to be aware of the bigger problem and did not want to address it---He just says, ok, well stop adding vinegar. So even though you are still frustrated--you try to stop adding vinegar because you do love him.

 

But you are still miserable making the soup. You know that no matter how hard you try, he is not going to love the soup the way you want him to. He won't tell you what ingredients to add to make the soup the way he would like it so that you can feel proud of your soup and he will appreciate you for making it. Adding the vinegar doesn't make you happy either.

 

Worse yet, you have been stealing the vinegar from the corner store and not getting caught. You are filled with anxiety all the time. You don't want to steal, you don't want to poison his soup, and he doesn't like the soup the way it is, but won't tell you how to fix it. You do get a little excitement from stealing the vinegar and messing with his soup, and keep going back to that behavior because it is the only thing that gives you any pleasure these days, but at the same time it make you feel terrible about yourself and you are always paranoid about getting caught stealing, because the shop owner will be very upset if he finds out.

 

What should you do?

 

Sometimes you can't fix the situation you are in, because it isn't fixable. You can only fix yourself by doing the right things and living honestly, and hope that the people around you get on board with it.

 

Stop making the soup and stop going to the store. Go on strike. this is a big problem and you cant fix it on your own.

 

Be honest about everything, and start from scratch. Make full amends and take 100% responsibility for stealing, and for poisoning the soup. Those were your choices.

If after all that, your husband wants you to start making soup for him again (and you still want the job), be honest about what you need from him to take the job of soup maker again. It's up to him to let you know how he wants the soup, and to give you the appreciation you need for making it. This part will take time and patience, but use your judgement. You are not to be punished forever for your bad choices by shamefully going back to the same miserable soup making scenario. If he won't/cant do his part, you eventually have to walk away and look for a new job. the soup is delicious and someone will appreciate it.

[Ladydrib]

Wouldn't telling his wife cause bigger problems? I really have thought about doing it but I feel selfish as it would be the easy way for me to end things. Yes I am selfish as I have slept with her husband off and on for over 7 years but I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have, which she doesn't even know about. This is not an excuse but I want to move on and put the whole A behind me.

 

It will cause an explosion. But if you keep having an affair it will eventually be discovered and explode anyway. If you can't stop and want it to end, that's likely the only way.

 

I understand not wanting to hurt anyone. But the truth is she is getting hurt even though she doesn't know. Her sense of reality is getting warped. Her ability to believe what she sees is getting damaged. Because she's being lied to and I'm sure the words don't always match her observations. Therefore her mind is getting F'ed.

 

Also you are getting hurt.

 

You both need to make a decision. You need to end your marriages or the affair or be in an open marriage. And your decisions may not match.

 

If you have wasted time stressing over this fir seven years I'm sure you don't want to spend another minute on it. If you truly feel there's no way out I don't think telling the wife is a bad option. Realize though you will be betraying him if you do. He might hate you. But if you want to get out of it do you really care if he likes you or not? Also, he is betraying you and his wife so why would he deserve any loyalty?

[Findingmyway74]

Why do you believe that honesty hurts more than deception?

Either way someone gets hurt- I guess my thinking is that if I tell her I am directly hurting her whereas an A with her H is indirectly hurting her. Pain is pain isn't it? I always thought so anyway

[Owl]

I agree with the advice you've been given.

 

Sit down and disclose EVERYTHING with both your husband, and his wife.

 

If they don't take action that ends the affair...then suggest that the four of you have an open marriage.

 

Seems to me that ensuring that all four impacted parties is the best way to get this resolved, one way or another.

 

Either the affair is out in the open and the marriages are now "open" in that regard....or the affair is out in the open and ended because it was detrimental to the marriages.

 

Either possibility is a resolution of sorts.

 

Time make some change happen, no?

[Ladydrib]

I have tried cold turkey a few times but I usually go a few weeks and then cave. If I tell OM to stop contacting me he does but I always contact him again. Once he ended NC but it is always me.

 

I had the same experience.

 

If you want to stop and have failed, you will continue to fail through NC. It's been seven years!! Don't let any more time go by. Tell her.

[Findingmyway74]

Whoa, hold on here, you've told your husband about your A multiple times and he basically said "stop it" and left it at that? And he would be more upset about you telling your AP's wife because you would be "making waves"?

 

Are you serious here?

 

First of all, I will never, ever, ever condone having an A for any reason whatsoever, and you are wrong for doing it, but you know this already. But I will speculate here.

 

Maybe your H's attitude is one reason that you keep letting yourself go back to OM, it sure sounds like he doesn't care, that or you're leaving something out of the story.

 

He should be blowing up and raising hell, he would be worried about you "making waves" by telling OM's wife? He should want to cause OM some grief and therefore tell OM's W himself. It sounds like he is content to jsut letting you do whatever you want, regardless of how it effects your M.

 

According to your story (and I know that there are two sides to every story, but I haven't seen his) it doesn't appear that he has any desire to protect his family/life, maybe you want to be married to a man that will protect himself and you, and this is your way to try to force him to do that.

 

This is rediculous, if your story is true, you and your husband definitely need to go to MC and IC.

 

Also, buy your H a few books, Married Mans Sex Life and No More Mr Nice Guy would be a good start.

 

And quit the A already, "I keep caving" is just a petty excuse that doesn't really mean anything, just go cold turkey and try to fill your life with other things that will give you your dopamine rush, preferably with your H.

Yes I have told him about the A and there was never any action other than "stop", no "I'm leaving if you don't" or any consequence whatsoever. Yes I saw that he was hurt but he did not want any details and had no desire to confront OM. He was more content to just let some time go by and then act as if nothing happened. This has happened more than once. I finally stopped trying to even work on things but that isn't my style. I am willing to be open and confront anything and I know it will be hard but if my H isn't then what do I do?

 

I have no desire to have any relationship with OM if he either left his M or I left mine. I used to think that way but I know that there could never be one where I didn't always feel like he was doing the same to me as he has done to his W.

 

OM has stood me up many times, once forced himself upon me when I asked him to stop. Has never been abusive or anything else like that.

 

I have more to offer in response I just want to think a little more and it's hard to type all this on my iPhone!

[Findingmyway74]

Some people hate metaphors, but I always find it helpful to translate a big problem into something else entirely so i can see the issue in a different light and dissect it in a less emotional way. Even if the metaphor isn't a perfect representation of the problem it can open new ways of thinking about it, so that the solution becomes clearer in time.

 

When you first get married your job was to make soup every day for your husband. You add all the special ingredients and he loves it. This is great for awhile. You feel great because he genuinely loves the soup. Then after awhile he stops liking it as much and doesn't tell you what's wrong. He secretly hates the green peppers but doesn't tell you. He wants you to add potatoes but doesn't tell you. You start getting upset because you work hard on the soup every day and he isn't responding the way you want and it is frustrating.

 

You try guessing what he would like by adding different things to make him like it better but nothing works. He acts the same way about the soup every day. you ask him to help you cook the soup one day so you can make it better for him but he refuses and says the soup is your job. he doesn't want to bother

 

So one day to punish him you add a bunch of vinegar to the soup. It makes you feel better for a minute, but then you realize he will be home soon and you don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him you ruined his soup on purpose. So you add some sugar to try to balance it out. He eats the soup that day as usual and doesn't say anything about the flavor. You feel relieved he didn't notice.

 

This goes on for 7 years. When you are mad at him you add vinegar to the soup, then try to cover it up with sugar. One day you even tell him about the vinegar, hoping he will let you know about the green peppers and potatoes he secretly wants but refuses to talk about. You never could figure out what was so wrong with the original soup that he stopped liking it.

 

Even after he found out about the vinegar, from your perspective he did not want to know WHY you did it- he refused to be aware of the bigger problem and did not want to address it---He just says, ok, well stop adding vinegar. So even though you are still frustrated--you try to stop adding vinegar because you do love him.

 

But you are still miserable making the soup. You know that no matter how hard you try, he is not going to love the soup the way you want him to. He won't tell you what ingredients to add to make the soup the way he would like it so that you can feel proud of your soup and he will appreciate you for making it. Adding the vinegar doesn't make you happy either.

 

Worse yet, you have been stealing the vinegar from the corner store and not getting caught. You are filled with anxiety all the time. You don't want to steal, you don't want to poison his soup, and he doesn't like the soup the way it is, but won't tell you how to fix it. You do get a little excitement from stealing the vinegar and messing with his soup, and keep going back to that behavior because it is the only thing that gives you any pleasure these days, but at the same time it make you feel terrible about yourself and you are always paranoid about getting caught stealing, because the shop owner will be very upset if he finds out.

 

What should you do?

 

Sometimes you can't fix the situation you are in, because it isn't fixable. You can only fix yourself by doing the right things and living honestly, and hope that the people around you get on board with it.

 

Stop making the soup and stop going to the store. Go on strike. this is a big problem and you cant fix it on your own.

 

Be honest about everything, and start from scratch. Make full amends and take 100% responsibility for stealing, and for poisoning the soup. Those were your choices.

If after all that, your husband wants you to start making soup for him again (and you still want the job), be honest about what you need from him to take the job of soup maker again. It's up to him to let you know how he wants the soup, and to give you the appreciation you need for making it. This part will take time and patience, but use your judgement. You are not to be punished forever for your bad choices by shamefully going back to the same miserable soup making scenario. If he won't/cant do his part, you eventually have to walk away and look for a new job. the soup is delicious and someone will appreciate it.

This is an amazing post! It makes you look it the whole matter from a different perspective. Brilliant!!

[Findingmyway74]

I agree with the advice you've been given.

 

Sit down and disclose EVERYTHING with both your husband, and his wife.

 

If they don't take action that ends the affair...then suggest that the four of you have an open marriage.

 

Seems to me that ensuring that all four impacted parties is the best way to get this resolved, one way or another.

 

Either the affair is out in the open and the marriages are now "open" in that regard....or the affair is out in the open and ended because it was detrimental to the marriages.

 

Either possibility is a resolution of sorts.

 

Time make some change happen, no?

OM's W has found out before and confronted me - once via email threatening to tell my H and once she called me. I spoke to her and she seemed very odd. Told me that she knew who I was and why her H was with me. Told me to stop which I did- and then OM emailed me on my birthday about 6 months later.

 

I do not want an open M- I would never allow my H to be with another woman- yes I know that is strange considering the circumstances.

[Ladydrib]

I agree 100% with what you posted. My problem is that for some reason I cannot stop myself from contacting him. The last time I went NC it was almost a year and then for some reason (probably in a sad mood) I emailed him and it started again.

 

This is a man that has hurt me time and time again and I got to a point during the last NC that I actually despised him and truly felt like I would never go back.

 

I don't like to blame anyone for my actions but I do tend to rationalize that if my husband isn't paying attention then I "deserve" to have OM in my life. I know beyond a doubt that this is crazy yet it works for that brief moment when I contact OM and things start again.

 

You will never be emotionally free of the MM until you leave your husband. You are forcing yourself to stay where you don't want to be. It's not about this MM it's about you being in an unfulfilling marriage. If you stopped for an entire year and went back, you need to divorce. I know it's hard, sad, terrible, etc. But you have found yourself in a position where you will either have to go through something really uncomfortable and painful (wife exploding, your divorce, loosing MM etc) or you will continue this pattern (which you are not happy with either) for the rest of your life.

 

If you prefer to avoid the explosion, try leaving your husband first. See if when you are on your own and can date other men if this MM is still so "all powerful"

 

You have nothing to lose. You're not happy in the pattern thar has proven strong enough to last SEVEN years.

 

Set yourself free.

[Findingmyway74]

I had the same experience.

 

If you want to stop and have failed, you will continue to fail through NC. It's been seven years!! Don't let any more time go by. Tell her.

I think I need to tell her. I also need to tell my H. How do I do that and what do I even say? (Just thinking out loud here but any advice would be appreciated)

[Findingmyway74]

You will never be emotionally free of the MM until you leave your husband. You are forcing yourself to stay where you don't want to be. It's not about this MM it's about you being in an unfulfilling marriage. If you stopped for an entire year and went back, you need to divorce. I know it's hard, sad, terrible, etc. But you have found yourself in a position where you will either have to go through something really uncomfortable and painful (wife exploding, your divorce, loosing MM etc) or you will continue this pattern (which you are not happy with either) for the rest of your life.

 

If you prefer to avoid the explosion, try leaving your husband first. See if when you are on your own and can date other men if this MM is still so "all powerful"

 

You have nothing to lose. You're not happy in the pattern thar has proven strong enough to last SEVEN years.

 

Set yourself free.

I love my H beyond words (but like a brother) and I don't know how my children would fare. My youngest is ADHD with sensory issues and needs consistency and needs to know exactly how things will be at all times. I also don't know if I can afford to take care of my kids alone. I work 20 hours a week and take FT online classes.

 

But I am very unhappy and always acting like a B-word! Why is life so complicated!?

[Owl]

OM's W has found out before and confronted me - once via email threatening to tell my H and once she called me. I spoke to her and she seemed very odd. Told me that she knew who I was and why her H was with me. Told me to stop which I did- and then OM emailed me on my birthday about 6 months later.

 

I do not want an open M- I would never allow my H to be with another woman- yes I know that is strange considering the circumstances.

 

Non sequiter.

 

So the bottom line is....you're not willing to end your affair on your own, but you're not willing to allow your H to have the same options????

 

OK...I'll be point blank. My only advice is to tell everyone, get it out in the open and let your H and his wife help the two of you end it for all.

 

Beyond that, I've got nothing left to offer.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

Why is life so complicated!?

 

Because you make it so.

 

Stop making it complicated, and your life will become much simpler, you'll be happier, and you'll treat those around you as they deserve to be treated.

 

It ain't rocket science.

[Findingmyway74]

I am willing to end the A on my own. I just am trying to figure out a way to do that without going backwards as I have in the past.

[Ladydrib]

I love my H beyond words (but like a brother) and I don't know how my children would fare. My youngest is ADHD with sensory issues and needs consistency and needs to know exactly how things will be at all times. I also don't know if I can afford to take care of my kids alone. I work 20 hours a week and take FT online classes.

 

But I am very unhappy and always acting like a B-word! Why is life so complicated!?

 

Maybe you can't leave now. Put a plan in place. Find a way to work more or make more money. Research what to expect fir children as you go through divorce. Be prepared to manage your children's challenges in the divorce. Talk to a lawyer now so you are informed of your options and what to expect if you were to go through with it. It takes time and planning to do it right. But it can be done right.

[Findingmyway74]

Because you make it so.

 

Stop making it complicated, and your life will become much simpler, you'll be happier, and you'll treat those around you as they deserve to be treated.

 

It ain't rocket science.

I know I have complicated things. Believe me I do. I just don't know how to uncomplicate things I guess.

[Zenstudent]

Either way someone gets hurt- I guess my thinking is that if I tell her I am directly hurting her whereas an A with her H is indirectly hurting her. Pain is pain isn't it? I always thought so anyway

No, it isn't.

 

From personal experience. You're right in the respect that you inflict pain either way. But by not telling you add insult to injury. Think about how humiliating it is to have someone else decide, that you must live in an open marriage, and you have absolutely no say in this matter - simply because no-one tells you.

 

Yes, you feel pain when you know about teh infidelity, but you are free to make a choice about your own life. You have a choice to either change yourself, walk away or go **** someone else yourself. This makes all the difference to me.

 

It is so disempowering to have someone else make these decissions for you... for your own good, so they say.

[Betterthanthis13]

This is an amazing post! It makes you look it the whole matter from a different perspective. Brilliant!!

 

I'm glad you liked it. I also wanted to add that my suggested solution is certainly not the only one and might not be the best one for you, it was just one solution. Im not trying to tell you what to do.

 

An alternative would be to try to find a way to be happy with and grateful for the current soup job as it is right now (minus the vinegar), because maybe your husband is already giving the best he is capable of, and you dont believe on giving up on marriage. i dont know. Only you know these things, there is no "right" answer, objectively- all you can do is eliminate all the behavior you know is wrong and hurtful to yourself and others, and use your judgement to find your way. We can only control our own actions.

 

When you are doing your best to find peace and happiness within yourself by being good to yourself and making good choices, the outside world starts getting better in time. There will still be difficult choices and disappointments, but the solution to those types of things is never to cause yourself or others more agony. That only prolongs the initial pain and makes more pain. When you are trying to maintain a facade of happiness while making bad choices, misery and chaos is inevitable. It will all work out and be ok, you just need the courage to stop for a minute and make an honest commitment- to yourself- to be good to YOU.

[Owl]

I am willing to end the A on my own. I just am trying to figure out a way to do that without going backwards as I have in the past.

 

I know I have complicated things. Believe me I do. I just don't know how to uncomplicate things I guess.

 

It starts with coming clean on all the things you've lied about to those you love up to this point.

 

Tell your H the full truth. Tell him that you've tried ending it on your own and failed. Tell him how long it's lasted, what all has happened, and be honest with any answers you give to questions he asks. Ask him to help you end it.

 

Tell OM's wife the same.

 

Get it out in the open...and the odds are high that the BS's will help you keep it ended.

[Ladydrib]

Getting married requires planning right?

 

So does getting divorced.

 

We never look forward to planning things that cause us discomfort (funerals, cleaning, other non-fun tasks we must complete) but those things would not get done if we simply ignored them.

[aliveagain]

You knew when you choose to start the affair that you would be inflicting pain, that was part of your conscious decision when you justified it to yourself. You knew you would hurt your husband and your children but they weren't enough to stop you. So what does it take to stop you if loosing your family isn't enough of a deterrent? Your caught, it will be on the street soon, how would you want your husband and children to hear about it? The other betrayed spouse will tell her close friends and family and they in turn will tell others.

[Vijju159]

Well the only possible way to stop contacting OM is let your husband seperate from you for good. Maybe he not being together could make you realize, if not make a better decision for both of you.

Edited August 1, 2013 by Vijju159

[ForeverHopeful1]

Why do people stay in these marriages????????????????

[Ladydrib]

Why do people stay in these marriages????????????????

 

It's so scary to leave. It's all you know. We are conditioned to marry and for life.

[thecharade]

Findingmyway,

 

You are me.

 

1. First love.

2. 20 years apart.

3. H doesn't want to know/deal.

4. Marriage feels like roommates.

5. Been in counseling for years.

6. Affair lasted for years.

7. Kept going back to him.

YES to alllllll of it! Ditto!

 

I will not reveal anything else to my H as he obviously doesn't want to know, I won't tell my AP's W, and my counselor (a former BS herself) supports this. I am working hard to understand my why's and heal this whole situation without inflicting additional hurt, and I don't need anonymous strangers to approve of my actions. I know what's best for me.

 

My thought regarding you is that your H is not working on the M, only you are. If you want him to meet your needs and help you feel this is an M worth valuing, he's going to need to step up his game. How so? You are going to need to figure that out with him in MC.

 

I kept working on me and could not break my affair need. I just felt so resentful of my H that I wanted to think of my exBF. One day I showed my H that I had made a list of debts/assets and I was ready to D. He was shocked. I said, "Well, will you go to MC? And IC if necessary?" He finally agreed to start owning his role in our marriage, and things finally began to improve between us. We're not fixed yet; some of our issues are entrenched, but we are better.

 

Not everyone's M is the cause of an A, but it can be. Mine was. I just didn't want to threaten D because I didn't think I could handle it, but when I finally saw that my M was leaving me empty and leaving so many needs unmet, I knew why I had needed my ex. He became my 'solution' and salvation, even though it really only made things worse. I think changes in your H and your marriage would help you say goodbye to your exBF forever and help you get your pride and dignity back. That's what worked for me.

 

good luck!!!

Edited August 2, 2013 by thecharade