Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 This could take some time as this A has been off and on for 7 years but bottom line is I want out without looking back. I have been M for 16 years, together 18 1/2. I have told my BS about the A a few times and each time he chose to just tell me to end it and that was basically about it. The last time I told him was about 3 years ago. I have gone NC with OM several times only to go back again. OM is M as well and his BS has found out about the A as well. I can go into more detail if needed but I just need to figure out how to get out of this A. It's beginning to eat away at me that I am so weak to just keep doing something like this. I have been in IC for over 5 years and that has not helped in this aspect at all. I know my issues for the most part and make strides in my life everyday however OM seems to be the roadblock for me. OM was my 1st love over 20+ years ago. There somehow seems to be a connection that I can't break. I am open to listen to anything that is said and hope that someone out there can just say the one thing that will help me to end this once and for all.
road Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Do you work with the OM? How far do you live from the OM? Does your family socialize with the OM family? You need to block the OM from contacting you. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You must tell your BH how the affair started, what has gone on, that you need him to read this book with you and to help to end the affair and have NC with the OM. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 This could take some time as this A has been off and on for 7 years but bottom line is I want out without looking back. I have been M for 16 years, together 18 1/2. I have told my BS about the A a few times and each time he chose to just tell me to end it and that was basically about it. The last time I told him was about 3 years ago. I have gone NC with OM several times only to go back again. OM is M as well and his BS has found out about the A as well. I can go into more detail if needed but I just need to figure out how to get out of this A. It's beginning to eat away at me that I am so weak to just keep doing something like this. I have been in IC for over 5 years and that has not helped in this aspect at all. I know my issues for the most part and make strides in my life everyday however OM seems to be the roadblock for me. OM was my 1st love over 20+ years ago. There somehow seems to be a connection that I can't break. I am open to listen to anything that is said and hope that someone out there can just say the one thing that will help me to end this once and for all. It's like any other habit you want to change. Cold turkey works best. Is the problem because he keeps contacting you or you keep contacting him?
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Do you work with the OM? How far do you live from the OM? Does your family socialize with the OM family? You need to block the OM from contacting you. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You must tell your BH how the affair started, what has gone on, that you need him to read this book with you and to help to end the affair and have NC with the OM. I do not work with OM I live about 20 minutes away but my mother and sister live in the same town as him. There has never been any contact with OM and my family and vice versa. I have read many books including the one you mentioned. I seem to figure it out in my head and decide to end things but I put it off or when I do end it I always have gotten back in touch with him. It's ended for months at a time sometimes almost a year.
janedoe67 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 The questions above are extremely important, and the book suggestion is excellent. A lot of the initial ending an affair stuff is "just do it" and "just don't do it." First loves leave an imprint. It's a fact. BUT you just....don't contact him. You block him. No looking at facebook. No asking mutual friends about him. He no longer exists for all practical purposes. When the missing him hits, you focus on your husband, you do something physical, you remind yourself how bad a choice cheating is, and you make yourself think of something else. You channel all of the OM energy into your marriage. You do not let your emotions rule. You do not cave in to the sadness. You work to be the best woman and wife you can be. No contact for life with the OM. And work on the life you have in front of you. That all sounds very pragmatic, I know. And at first you'll say it isn't working because of how you FEEL. If you do the right thing long enough, you WILL feel differently over time. 1
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 It's like any other habit you want to change. Cold turkey works best. Is the problem because he keeps contacting you or you keep contacting him? I have tried cold turkey a few times but I usually go a few weeks and then cave. If I tell OM to stop contacting me he does but I always contact him again. Once he ended NC but it is always me.
janedoe67 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I have tried cold turkey a few times but I usually go a few weeks and then cave. If I tell OM to stop contacting me he does but I always contact him again. Once he ended NC but it is always me. This is actually good - you know he will honor your request. You don't have to cave. You choose to cave. This is just one of those sucky have to things. 1
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 The questions above are extremely important, and the book suggestion is excellent. A lot of the initial ending an affair stuff is "just do it" and "just don't do it." First loves leave an imprint. It's a fact. BUT you just....don't contact him. You block him. No looking at facebook. No asking mutual friends about him. He no longer exists for all practical purposes. When the missing him hits, you focus on your husband, you do something physical, you remind yourself how bad a choice cheating is, and you make yourself think of something else. You channel all of the OM energy into your marriage. You do not let your emotions rule. You do not cave in to the sadness. You work to be the best woman and wife you can be. No contact for life with the OM. And work on the life you have in front of you. That all sounds very pragmatic, I know. And at first you'll say it isn't working because of how you FEEL. If you do the right thing long enough, you WILL feel differently over time. I agree 100% with what you posted. My problem is that for some reason I cannot stop myself from contacting him. The last time I went NC it was almost a year and then for some reason (probably in a sad mood) I emailed him and it started again. This is a man that has hurt me time and time again and I got to a point during the last NC that I actually despised him and truly felt like I would never go back. I don't like to blame anyone for my actions but I do tend to rationalize that if my husband isn't paying attention then I "deserve" to have OM in my life. I know beyond a doubt that this is crazy yet it works for that brief moment when I contact OM and things start again.
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 This is actually good - you know he will honor your request. You don't have to cave. You choose to cave. This is just one of those sucky have to things. I think he will honor my request. He has begged me to not end things. Says how much he needs me in his life- yes I know it's a line. I wasn't going to tell him that things were ended but each time I do that he emails every single day for weeks even if I don't reply until I eventually reply. How do I stop myself from caring so much about OM? Nothing seems to work.
janedoe67 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I agree 100% with what you posted. My problem is that for some reason I cannot stop myself from contacting him. The last time I went NC it was almost a year and then for some reason (probably in a sad mood) I emailed him and it started again. This is a man that has hurt me time and time again and I got to a point during the last NC that I actually despised him and truly felt like I would never go back. I don't like to blame anyone for my actions but I do tend to rationalize that if my husband isn't paying attention then I "deserve" to have OM in my life. I know beyond a doubt that this is crazy yet it works for that brief moment when I contact OM and things start again. I probably sound flippant, but I DO understand. We are a bit similar in that I have made the same rationalization at times. You have used it to have repeated affairs with the same man. I have had more than one affair with different people because, well, I just get so sex and affection starved that my resentment goes through the roof and I allow it to fester and I have a LOT of unforgiveness toward my husband for all the promises that never got kept with regard to all that.....and then I use all that to justify my bad choices. It is stubbornness run rampant in some ways. Like "by golly, I didn't get married to be lonely and celibate so I'm fixing this myself!" The problem is.....it is wrong, and when all is said and done not only does it hurt him and break my vows....it hurts ME and makes me worse off than ever. I think your solution will have to be twofold. You will HAVE to end it once and for all and put safeguards in place and take responsibility. BUT The cold hard truth is that you have needs that are very crucial to you that are continually not being met, and the two of you will HAVE to address these and things will have to change OR one of two things will happen: You will just keeping spinning out this desperate cycle or You will end up divorced It's like having a heart attack with COPD. Yes, the heart attack has to be addressed first, you have to get the acute situation addressed (the A), intercede in the life or death crises. BUT...if you don't treat the COPD, you'll likely end up in the emergency room again. 1
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 It is stubbornness run rampant in some ways. Like "by golly, I didn't get married to be lonely and celibate so I'm fixing this myself!" I have the same thoughts. I enjoy sex so much more as I get older and somehow I am not in sync with my H.
2sure Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 My X had a kind of addiCtion to affairs...which ultimately he could not overcome. But when I first realized it, and we were working together to try and reconcile...part of that work was making sure he wasnt reverting to cheating. Which was hard work, but I did it for awhile because I knew he couldn't help himself. I can imagine how difficult stopping might be , if you haven't a partner who can help or even cares enough to try to put a stop to it. Would a reveal to his wife ...burn that bridge for you? Because that's what you need. 1
janedoe67 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 It is stubbornness run rampant in some ways. Like "by golly, I didn't get married to be lonely and celibate so I'm fixing this myself!" I have the same thoughts. I enjoy sex so much more as I get older and somehow I am not in sync with my H. In some ways, deciding to put an end to any other avenue of getting needs fulfilled and work solely on the marriage, when one is with a man (or maybe woman, IDK) who does not want/need affection or sex is like stepping off a cliff not knowing whether or not there really is a net. Honestly, I have no idea if a year from now or two years from now I will be saying "Things are amazing" or "Things are exactly the same." I DO know that I do not like the kind of person it makes ME to cheat on my husband. I have purposed that HE will be the only man in my life, and if that means that there is no sex or affection, and if I realize I cannot bear that for the rest of my life......then I will leave. I will not betray again. BUT, right now my job is to make amends and rebuilt trust. After that will come the period of time where I will see whether HE wants to be a husband or not. I will be a wife until it becomes abundantly clear one way or the other. And then we will either be husband and wife or we won't. Either way, being an adulteress just cannot happen again. I refuse to be that woman again. Maybe thinking of it that way could help you too? 1
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 I do know that there are needs I have that are NOT being met and I know in my heart of hearts that my H will never be able to do that for me. He is a great man that worships the ground I walk on- people tell me how lucky I am to have him. Yet he is immature and has his own issues that he will never deal with. We've been down that road more times than I can count. I have also told him about the A and his response was very odd. Seemed to be more upset that I told him and was making him deal with something. Just want to be happy and proud and at peace.
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 My X had a kind of addiCtion to affairs...which ultimately he could not overcome. But when I first realized it, and we were working together to try and reconcile...part of that work was making sure he wasnt reverting to cheating. Which was hard work, but I did it for awhile because I knew he couldn't help himself. I can imagine how difficult stopping might be , if you haven't a partner who can help or even cares enough to try to put a stop to it. Would a reveal to his wife ...burn that bridge for you? Because that's what you need. I have thought about revealing things to his wife but then I would have to tell my H which I am willing to do but I also know that my H will be more upset that I am "making waves".
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) In some ways, deciding to put an end to any other avenue of getting needs fulfilled and work solely on the marriage, when one is with a man (or maybe woman, IDK) who does not want/need affection or sex is like stepping off a cliff not knowing whether or not there really is a net. Honestly, I have no idea if a year from now or two years from now I will be saying "Things are amazing" or "Things are exactly the same." I DO know that I do not like the kind of person it makes ME to cheat on my husband. I have purposed that HE will be the only man in my life, and if that means that there is no sex or affection, and if I realize I cannot bear that for the rest of my life......then I will leave. I will not betray again. BUT, right now my job is to make amends and rebuilt trust. After that will come the period of time where I will see whether HE wants to be a husband or not. I will be a wife until it becomes abundantly clear one way or the other. And then we will either be husband and wife or we won't. Either way, being an adulteress just cannot happen again. I refuse to be that woman again. Maybe thinking of it that way could help you too? You are very wise. That brought tears to my eyes. I understand exactly what you are saying. It may sound selfish but this whole stopping the A isn't for my H but it's for me. I need to be someone that I can be proud of and know that I am doing it right day in and day out. Can I ask if you told your H about the A and if so what was the reaction? Edited August 1, 2013 by Findingmyway74
Ladydrib Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 This could take some time as this A has been off and on for 7 years but bottom line is I want out without looking back. I have been M for 16 years, together 18 1/2. I have told my BS about the A a few times and each time he chose to just tell me to end it and that was basically about it. The last time I told him was about 3 years ago. I have gone NC with OM several times only to go back again. OM is M as well and his BS has found out about the A as well. I can go into more detail if needed but I just need to figure out how to get out of this A. It's beginning to eat away at me that I am so weak to just keep doing something like this. I have been in IC for over 5 years and that has not helped in this aspect at all. I know my issues for the most part and make strides in my life everyday however OM seems to be the roadblock for me. OM was my 1st love over 20+ years ago. There somehow seems to be a connection that I can't break. I am open to listen to anything that is said and hope that someone out there can just say the one thing that will help me to end this once and for all. If you are not happy enough in your marriage to not cheat then why are you so focused on keeping your marriage (assuming that's why you're so upset about the affair). Not judging, I just think you should ask yourself that. If you really want to end the affair, tell his wife everything. He'll probably disappear really quick even if you get weak and ask for him to come back. Works like a charm. :-) 3
Author Findingmyway74 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 If you are not happy enough in your marriage to not cheat then why are you so focused on keeping your marriage (assuming that's why you're so upset about the affair). Not judging, I just think you should ask yourself that. If you really want to end the affair, tell his wife everything. He'll probably disappear really quick even if you get weak and ask for him to come back. Works like a charm. :-) Wouldn't telling his wife cause bigger problems? I really have thought about doing it but I feel selfish as it would be the easy way for me to end things. Yes I am selfish as I have slept with her husband off and on for over 7 years but I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have, which she doesn't even know about. This is not an excuse but I want to move on and put the whole A behind me.
Zenstudent Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Wouldn't telling his wife cause bigger problems? I really have thought about doing it but I feel selfish as it would be the easy way for me to end things. Yes I am selfish as I have slept with her husband off and on for over 7 years but I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have, which she doesn't even know about. This is not an excuse but I want to move on and put the whole A behind me. Why do you believe that honesty hurts more than deception?
NotCamelot Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I have to wonder: Would you like to have a guy that willingly cheats numerous times on his wife? How can you think he wouldn't do that to you? What will you do, how will you feel, when this OM and you are finally together and another of his old GFs contacts him and he's "off to the races" with her while you sit at home wondering what he's doing. And will you really trust someone like that at all? You see now how easily and willing he is to betray his W. Why do you think he'd not do that to you? You said he has hurt you many times. How? Maybe you should tell your H everything you are saying here. And, I don't see that it is your right to tell the OM's W anything. Then you are just a homewrecker. I'm sorry. I know you are miserable and hurting. Love really does stink sometimes. But you made a promise of commitment to your H. Do the right thing and tell him everything. Then either divorce him or fix the marriage. And, regarless of which road you take, you must have NC with the OM. For God's sake, he has a W that has feelings just like you do. And you don't have a right to cause her pain......and you are, she just doesn't know it.......yet.
Zenstudent Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I have to wonder: Would you like to have a guy that willingly cheats numerous times on his wife? How can you think he wouldn't do that to you? What will you do, how will you feel, when this OM and you are finally together and another of his old GFs contacts him and he's "off to the races" with her while you sit at home wondering what he's doing. And will you really trust someone like that at all? You see now how easily and willing he is to betray his W. Why do you think he'd not do that to you? You said he has hurt you many times. How? Maybe you should tell your H everything you are saying here. And, I don't see that it is your right to tell the OM's W anything. Then you are just a homewrecker. I'm sorry. I know you are miserable and hurting. Love really does stink sometimes. But you made a promise of commitment to your H. Do the right thing and tell him everything. Then either divorce him or fix the marriage. And, regarless of which road you take, you must have NC with the OM. For God's sake, he has a W that has feelings just like you do. And you don't have a right to cause her pain......and you are, she just doesn't know it.......yet. What do you mean by this - I find the bolded contradictive statements? Maybe I don't understand the term "Homewrecker", but do you mean that if she doesn't tell, she's NOT a homewrecker?
janedoe67 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I confessed my first A to my husband. He found out about the others. He was very hurt and angry and upset (which makes sense). If your husband's reaction is so detached and he seems more annoyed that you are telling him than that you are doing it.... IDK. Open marriage just icks me, but I wonder if he would be open to that for y'all? I can't believe I am even typing that, but then again, I never thought I'd have a celibate marriage. Weird how certain realities that we have no control over can shift some things in our minds. I remember an ethics lesson about a starving person stealing a loaf of bread in college. I had no problem categorically stating that stealing was stealing period. But....if the person who controls the only bread you are allowed to eat refuses to unlock the cabinet.... I don't know. Is it better to die of starvation or to steal the bread? And the funny thing....it's real hard for me to tolerate a person with an open, well-stocked bread cabinet flogging me for stealing a crust.....I know, I know. Okay, now that I have gone all ADD on your thread, I do think that you should tell your husband everything you have said here.
BHsigh Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I have told my BS about the A a few times and each time he chose to just tell me to end it and that was basically about it. The last time I told him was about 3 years ago. I have thought about revealing things to his wife but then I would have to tell my H which I am willing to do but I also know that my H will be more upset that I am "making waves". Whoa, hold on here, you've told your husband about your A multiple times and he basically said "stop it" and left it at that? And he would be more upset about you telling your AP's wife because you would be "making waves"? Are you serious here? First of all, I will never, ever, ever condone having an A for any reason whatsoever, and you are wrong for doing it, but you know this already. But I will speculate here. Maybe your H's attitude is one reason that you keep letting yourself go back to OM, it sure sounds like he doesn't care, that or you're leaving something out of the story. He should be blowing up and raising hell, he would be worried about you "making waves" by telling OM's wife? He should want to cause OM some grief and therefore tell OM's W himself. It sounds like he is content to jsut letting you do whatever you want, regardless of how it effects your M. According to your story (and I know that there are two sides to every story, but I haven't seen his) it doesn't appear that he has any desire to protect his family/life, maybe you want to be married to a man that will protect himself and you, and this is your way to try to force him to do that. This is rediculous, if your story is true, you and your husband definitely need to go to MC and IC. Also, buy your H a few books, Married Mans Sex Life and No More Mr Nice Guy would be a good start. And quit the A already, "I keep caving" is just a petty excuse that doesn't really mean anything, just go cold turkey and try to fill your life with other things that will give you your dopamine rush, preferably with your H.
Zenstudent Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Life is rarely this black and white. Usually, there are more options available than to steal or die. Ask your neighbour, go fishing, go hunting, collect some berries etc. you get the idea. I don't think you yourself is buying the "I didn't have any options but to cheat" - it only feeds justification. Just stop it. NC and change your thought pattern. Search for fullfillment of your needs elsewhere. Are you bored? Start reading, writing, skydiving or what ever. Lack of self esteem? Education, work or look for your true self inside you. Need more sex? Work with your partner, talk with him, see a therapist, find other arrangements - there really is no need for cheating. 1
NotCamelot Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 What do you mean by this - I find the bolded contradictive statements? Maybe I don't understand the term "Homewrecker", but do you mean that if she doesn't tell, she's NOT a homewrecker? I guess I should have explained that better: Telling the APs W with the only objective being to split them up so that the AP is then yours makes you a homewrecker. Obviously, the same adjective can be applied to anyone in a A with a married person...... (I need more coffee before I start posting.)
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