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Posted

In this Louis CK skit, "There is no greater threat to women than men" - Louis CK - YouTube he jokes that "there is no greater threat to women than men". Indeed, my understanding is that it's huge on dates to win the woman's trust, to give her confidence that you aren't going to take advantage of her.

 

But here's the thing: I'm an honest guy, I've never played any dirty tricks, and although I understand intellectually why they're afraid, I can't feel it in my gut, and I barely understand what to do or to avoid.

 

As a guy, how can I emphasize with a woman's instinctive distrust of me (or of any guy)? And how, other than in fact being honest, can I win over her trust?

 

Thanks.

Posted

First of all, Louis CK, usually a good comedian, is pandering to PC themes, perhaps to get "mainstream cred," he doesn't currently have. Like someone told him to start playing to test audiences if he ever wants to get truly big. Shame on him, and the bit is full of BS. It's important to the thread because MEN ARE NOT THE NUMBER ONE THREAT TO WOMEN. Whether it's breast cancer or accidental death or whatever, it isn't men. In fact, men are and have always been much more a protector of women than a threat. Very few men are predators, rapists, abusers other than on television. OTOH a huge number of men do things to help and protect women every single day and do that our whole lives.

 

So I think the answer to your question is that earning a woman's "trust" is not way up there on the list of building attraction. IMO, social value is much much more important. By social value I mean presenting the image of a man comfortable in his environment and in command of it to the extent that others acknowledge this. He doesn't care too much because he's in charge (ever wonder why so many women want to f-ck the boss?) IMO the answer for inexperienced or unsuccessful male daters is to cultivate social value and fake it til you make it. You will know you are there when you are regularly standing in a group of people and find yourself the focus of conversations and body language, people make more eye contact with you, seek your feedback and approval over other men in the group. Women are very keyed in on this, respond to it, and it is only tangentially related to "trust."

 

Have you ever wondered why the guy who put a 12 pack box on his head and crawled around on the ground making dog noises ended up getting laid that night despite being a buffoon? It ain't trust. He created the illusion of social value, if only by being a clown. Every laugh got him closer to having a willing woman in bed that night. No, not suggesting you do this, just making a point.

Posted

Date women like me. You aren't capable of hurting us, therefore we have no problems being open. Our happiness isn't dependent on the outcome of a relationship, so we take things a lot less seriously and have a lot more fun.

 

I have no reason to distrust someone. If I did, they wouldn't be in my life. Problem solved rather easily, don't you think?

  • Like 4
Posted
Indeed, my understanding is that it's huge on dates to win the woman's trust, to give her confidence that you aren't going to take advantage of her.

 

Yes, for girls who want a relationship, I'd imagine this is usually important. But this will come further down the road than when you're "on dates". On the first few dates, it's more about chemistry and attraction.

 

But here's the thing: I'm an honest guy, I've never played any dirty tricks, and although I understand intellectually why they're afraid, I can't feel it in my gut, and I barely understand what to do or to avoid.

 

Just be yourself. If you're trustworthy, a reasonable girl is going to be able to tell instinctively. You don't have to do anything special or avoid anything - by definition if you're avoiding something, you're not being you, which means you're being dishonest!

 

As a guy, how can I emphasize with a woman's instinctive distrust of me (or of any guy)

 

Date girls who aren't jaded and bitter and cynical. I've never had this problem, because the girls I've wanted to be serious with, have been trusting in nature (innocent until proven guilty, rather than guilty until proven innocent). Maybe I've been lucky, or maybe it's a case of selection bias, because I'm more attracted to that type of girl in the first place.

 

But in any case, I think that unless the girl has had her trust abused to the extent that her ability to trust is broken (you can tell that type usually because they're fond of repeatedly making generalized negative comments about men), then she'll figure out eventually that you're trustworthy, if you are in fact.

Posted

I naturally distrust men, but they wouldn't know that I do. I don't ask them 20 questions or have jealous outbursts or anything. So I remain cautious and guarded even if I am really attracted to someone (especially then). Winning my trust goes a huge way towards "falling in love".

 

Some of the signs I look for in early dating:

 

1. Do as you say - if you tell me that you will call me tonight, make sure that you do.

 

2. Don't flake. Try not to cancel early dates at all. If you must, explain why and reschedule immediately.

 

3. Prompt communication. Respond to my texts within reasonable time frame (i.e. few hours) and initiate communication often.

 

4. Be honest. You don't have to give me your whole life story early on, but make sure anything you choose to share is truth and nothing but the truth. I can easily spot any inconsistencies.

 

5. Don't flirt with other women in my presence. This is more about respect than cheating.

  • Like 6
Posted

Not all women start out with a distrust of the man they are seeing (as a few people have stated above). However, I think many women are cautious when it comes to dating if they are considering you for a long-term relationship. After all, it's better to find out that someone is untrustworthy from the beginning rather than get our hearts broken further down the road.

Women are innately more sensitive than men (with a few exceptions), so if we've experienced a cheating boyfriend or perhaps an abuser in the past, we are less likely to completely put it out of our minds when the next relationship comes around. Granted, that does not mean men are more trusting than women, but women do tend to have a greater desire to have their guard up when starting to date a new, basically "mysterious" (because at the beginning she probably does not know much about you) man.

Overall, if you want to win a woman's trust, I can tell you bailing on her is NOT the way to do it. If you feel like she is someone you truly have an interest in dating, yet she has her guard up, just give her time. Make thoughtful gestures like remembering dates, showing up on time, ignoring your phone while you're together and otherwise clearing yourself of any perspectively "sketchy" behavior. This will show her that you are reliable and consistent - which is probably what she's looking for if she starts off not trusting you. Being honest is a great quality to have, and most women will notice and respect that and begin to let their guard down.

Hope that helps.

Posted

I accept that a lot of people are untrustworthy and its a legitimate concern, and I convey this. I don't make a bunch of promises about being trustworthy or perfect, etc. To me, trust is something that you earn from someone. So I earn it. If she needs reasonable reassurances of things, I provide them as appropriate. Actions speak louder than words and all that.

Posted
In this Louis CK skit, "There is no greater threat to women than men" - Louis CK - YouTube he jokes that "there is no greater threat to women than men". Indeed, my understanding is that it's huge on dates to win the woman's trust, to give her confidence that you aren't going to take advantage of her.

 

But here's the thing: I'm an honest guy, I've never played any dirty tricks, and although I understand intellectually why they're afraid, I can't feel it in my gut, and I barely understand what to do or to avoid.

 

As a guy, how can I emphasize with a woman's instinctive distrust of me (or of any guy)? And how, other than in fact being honest, can I win over her trust?

 

Thanks.

 

Yeah that has happened to me before.

 

Just get up and leave there are tons of girls out there. No reason to sit through a date like that.

Posted
I naturally distrust men, but they wouldn't know that I do. I don't ask them 20 questions or have jealous outbursts or anything. So I remain cautious and guarded even if I am really attracted to someone (especially then). Winning my trust goes a huge way towards "falling in love".

 

Some of the signs I look for in early dating:

 

1. Do as you say - if you tell me that you will call me tonight, make sure that you do.

 

2. Don't flake. Try not to cancel early dates at all. If you must, explain why and reschedule immediately.

 

3. Prompt communication. Respond to my texts within reasonable time frame (i.e. few hours) and initiate communication often.

 

4. Be honest. You don't have to give me your whole life story early on, but make sure anything you choose to share is truth and nothing but the truth. I can easily spot any inconsistencies.

 

5. Don't flirt with other women in my presence. This is more about respect than cheating.

 

This, this, this. Essentially, be reliable.

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