any 'we work together' tips?

[newmoon]

so, we broke up about 2 weeks ago after 2 years of dating, and have been no (personal) contact for about 15 days. no emails/calls/texts. but the problem is that we work together; i'm his supervisor and sometimes have to talk with him. has anyone successfully navigated a breakup when you work together? any tips/advice?

[Sallygirl]

I cannot wait to see the answers to this because I'm dealing with the same thing. Mine was much shorter (6 months) but extremely intense. Seeing him at work is just so hard.

[newmoon]

maybe we can help each other if no one else comes along. a work situation changes the dynamic totally because even though you can be NC on a personal level, professionally you still have to say hello or ask a question, etc.

 

was your split mutual? ours was. I essentially think of myself as the dumpee b/c I was willing to fix things and he wasn't. we had a lengthy talk after we broke up about work and how we'd handle it and we both agreed to not talk unless we had to. so far we've been ignoring each other all day, which feels stupid and immature but is the only solution right now. do you have the option of talking it over w/him? like how you guys will approach work time together?

 

I have also found that having a very close confidant in the office helps, someone who knows the story and can support me when I need it. maybe you have someone like that?

[Sallygirl]

Hi Newmoon,

 

That would be great if we could help one another. If you look in my profile you can see all of the threads I've started which will help you see the history.

 

We haven't talked about how to handle things at work. Until last Friday, he was acting like everything was cool between us. Even had the nerve to email me to tell me I looked good last Friday. I addressed the workload part of the email and ignored that part as well as where he mentioned how good it was to see me. I think e got the hint because he's been kind of cold to me this week. I have to see him tomorrow nd interact with him, which will be so hard.

 

I actually envy people who have the option of going 100% NC...

[feelinghopeless89]

Hey guys,

 

I am going through the exact same situation! My ex bf is my manager so I have to see him at work a few times a week. We were together a year and a half and I've been having the hardest time healing and letting go. Everyone tells me that in order for me to get better i have to get a new job because seeing him is a setback everytime. I do agree with that because its so hard seeing him now but at the same time, I really love my job. I've been there for 4 years and have really established myself at the company.

 

I am so torn :/

[newmoon]

Hey guys,

 

I am going through the exact same situation! My ex bf is my manager so I have to see him at work a few times a week. We were together a year and a half and I've been having the hardest time healing and letting go. Everyone tells me that in order for me to get better i have to get a new job because seeing him is a setback everytime. I do agree with that because its so hard seeing him now but at the same time, I really love my job. I've been there for 4 years and have really established myself at the company.

 

I am so torn :/

 

it really is the only way - to leave or transfer if you can within the company. now I see why people are so against co-workers dating. my ex and I only broke up 2 weeks ago and I already have asked for a transfer. I am my ex's supervisor and have a better chance of being transferred and it'll help me immensely to not see him each day. I feel like that is holding me back from moving on.

[newmoon]

Hi Newmoon,

 

That would be great if we could help one another. If you look in my profile you can see all of the threads I've started which will help you see the history.

 

We haven't talked about how to handle things at work. Until last Friday, he was acting like everything was cool between us. Even had the nerve to email me to tell me I looked good last Friday. I addressed the workload part of the email and ignored that part as well as where he mentioned how good it was to see me. I think e got the hint because he's been kind of cold to me this week. I have to see him tomorrow nd interact with him, which will be so hard.

 

I actually envy people who have the option of going 100% NC...

 

hi sally - i read a few of your posts. try really hard to stay the course and not go back to him. any moves he might be making towards you (compliments, email, etc) are just for his own ego, or to 'test the waters' and see if you're still receptive. keeping it strictly work-related was great

 

my ex and i had to interact today and oddly he complimented me as well, on what i was wearing. i said thanks and told him i was dressed for my date, which took him by surprise. i didn't have a date, but i'm trying to show him that i'm moving on. maybe you can try that. even though it'sfake, it might help you get farther away from him even if it's just mentally. my ex also asked if he could make me coffee - i agreed and sat with him to talk

 

as i'm talking to my ex i'm running all kinds of hateful words through my mind or things he said that bugged me or hurt me. that helps me from 'falling' back into his trap. perhaps when your ex is talking to you have some key phrase or something cruel he said/did to you that you can bring immediately to mind and focus on. that is helping me. when i see him walking around or walking towards me i say something internally like 'he looks like trash today" "i cannot believe i ever found him attractive" “he’s such a loser” etc

 

look at transfers too, if that's an option for you. I've already applied for a transfer to another office. i told my ex that and we're both hoping i get it.

Edited August 2, 2013 by newmoon

[Talulah]

I not only worked with my ex but lived right next to him. He left the job a month ago. We talked once. Its still hard because we live abroad. It sucked tge last month. I wanted not to talk to him but he would always say hi at work and pay attention to me. He just used the time to put more distance between us. Even with him gone, people at work bring him up. What helps is to remember how mean he was to me. Would tell me that I was just cute, would say that I am annoying and that I give him headaches. And so much more.

 

After he left it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Its helped me heal him not being here. But I think that it would have met me feel better if I would have left earlier than him.

 

I would transfer, it will give you power. Think of your self-esteem. I miss mine

[Mint Sauce]

roughly 5 years together, she left me via an exit affair one year ago. She's in the office next to mine. It still stings on an almost daily basis, even though I have a totally different, good, life now.

 

If you can change jobs without too much sacrifice career-wise, I'd say do so. For me, unfortunately, it would mean throwing away about 10 years worth of scientific seniority. I'm still considering that.

[Sallygirl]

hi sally - i read a few of your posts. try really hard to stay the course and not go back to him. any moves he might be making towards you (compliments, email, etc) are just for his own ego, or to 'test the waters' and see if you're still receptive. keeping it strictly work-related was great

 

my ex and i had to interact today and oddly he complimented me as well, on what i was wearing. i said thanks and told him i was dressed for my date, which took him by surprise. i didn't have a date, but i'm trying to show him that i'm moving on. maybe you can try that. even though it'sfake, it might help you get farther away from him even if it's just mentally. my ex also asked if he could make me coffee - i agreed and sat with him to talk

 

as i'm talking to my ex i'm running all kinds of hateful words through my mind or things he said that bugged me or hurt me. that helps me from 'falling' back into his trap. perhaps when your ex is talking to you have some key phrase or something cruel he said/did to you that you can bring immediately to mind and focus on. that is helping me. when i see him walking around or walking towards me i say something internally like 'he looks like trash today" "i cannot believe i ever found him attractive" “he’s such a loser” etc

 

look at transfers too, if that's an option for you. I've already applied for a transfer to another office. i told my ex that and we're both hoping i get it.

 

Hi Newmoon. I trying really hard to stay the course, but it's really hard. I think he got the hint last week when I ignored his compliments, which I had always responded to previously. I had thought previously that he was more concerned with his image and what I think of I'm, instead of making sure I was ok. When we had previous discussions abut him lying about the other girl, his response was, "I hope this doesn't change your opinion of me, I hope you don't see me differently", etc.

 

Yesterday, however, he took a completely different approach. He was flat out rude to me. He had been cold all week when we would pass him in the hallway, which was strange. His emails became only professional, which i was extremely happy about. He set up a laptop for an oversees trip I am taking earlier in the week and when I tested it at home, it didn't work (couldn't access drives and programs). He worked on it yesterday and when I picked it up and tested it agin, it still didn't work. He said he would come down to my desk and look at it.

 

He was sort of friendly when he came down (saying, "hey you", which is what he always said when we were together). He reached for my computer and I saw that he saw a picture of me and my friend Eric that I have on my desk. His attitude immediately changed and he started to act all arrogant and his tone of voice became harsh and rude. It was such a drastic change. He has never spoken to me in that tone of voice before.

 

My issue is the way it affected me. The good news is I was leaving for the day, so I waited until I got to my car, and I cried and cried and cried, and then I met a friend for dinner and cried some more. And then I got home, called my best friend and cried again. What in the world is my problem???

[Sallygirl]

roughly 5 years together, she left me via an exit affair one year ago. She's in the office next to mine. It still stings on an almost daily basis, even though I have a totally different, good, life now.

 

If you can change jobs without too much sacrifice career-wise, I'd say do so. For me, unfortunately, it would mean throwing away about 10 years worth of scientific seniority. I'm still considering that.

 

This is exactly me. I've worked really hard to move up in my company and there is no way I am leaving a job I love because of him. That would let him win. I have amazing co-workers and an amazing amount of respect from upper management. I am exactly on the career other I want to be on. Even with seeing him, I know that eventually I will heal from this, and I would be so upset with myself in the long run if I gave everything up because of my current pain.

 

Having said that, I am extremely envious of those of you that can transfer within your company and/or keep a similar job Ina different building.

[newmoon]

stay strong. going to work day after day and seeing your ex is hard. but he was rude/arrogant and that just gives you incentive to dislike him and know he's wrong for you. when you're crying after work - I do it too - it's probably for the loss of companionship more than for the person. you must realize, as I do, that these men are not 'the one' and we're just sad over the loss of comfort/closeness and not really missing them as much as a love/companion.

 

don't think a job move = him winning. at first I thought that too, and then I applied for a transfer because I realized that I would be winning by moving on from him as far/fast as I could.

 

my ex and I went for lunch this past friday at a place across from work. we spent an hour together just talking and it went ok. now that we are 4 weeks into the breakup I am seeing him through different eyes. I am not concentrating on his looks, etc. but on his words and how much I dislike him. i'm starting to feel that shift of emotion. but it sucks to have emotions all over the place all the time. I envy people who do not work with an ex!

 

I've started bringing my ipod to work and listening to self-help CDs when i'm at my desk. it totally occupies my mind at work. is this something you can do? or even do at lunch/breaks? it helps reinforce the positive thoughts and erases the possibility of conversation. several times my ex has tried to talk to me and when I point to the earphones he walks away.