Annapol Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I have been with my BF for a couple of years. He is funny, sweet, loving, considerate and affectionate. He introduces me to his friends and family as his girlfriend. He includes me in plans he makes far in advance, and we spend every possible moment together. He gives me gifts on all gift days, and he pays for everything. He tells me he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. When we are together we are happy and relaxed and don't get tired of each other's company. So what's wrong? I'm not sure now where this relationship is going, and I'm not too sure where the relationship even came from. There are a couple of things that are playing against my happy feeling of being in love. One is the fact that I recently found out/realized that pretty much the whole time we've been together he had remained "friends" with a woman he had been sort of dating before we started going out. As far as HE says, there wasn't a lot of communication going on, but apparently enough that just the other day the woman showed up at a party we were at and was VERY surprised to see me. I asked him flat out if he had somehow been leading her on or something and he said no. Leaving the mystery of why she would be so surprised to see me somewhere with him, and leaving the bad taste in my mouth that he didn't end the "friendship" until I called him on it. And even then, it took a really long time. It just feels very inconsistent with his expressed desire to be open about everything, and I just still don't feel he's been completely forthcoming with me about this. Another thing is that despite a lot of talk about how much he loves me and all that, when it came right down to it and circumstances lent themselves to bringing up the notion of living together, he was sort of wary, non-communicative, very non-committal. I told him that given the things we've talked about and done, I could see that being a possibility in our future, and he was not very responsive. Then I said that based on his actions and his words I was approaching things with honorable intentions in mind, and he was kind of like oh, thank you. Then (still trying to elicit SOMEthing a little more reassuring) I said that based on his actions and his words I was kind of approaching things with the idea that HE has honorable intentions in mind, and he was just like, oh yeah, of course. With no elaboration and nothing more to offer besides asking what I wanted for dinner. Obviously, I got off that topic and just kind of settled in to whatever the evening had to offer in general. But I can't get rid of that icky feeling about my so-called great guy who supposedly loves me so much and that our friends are so happy about because of how great we are together and how perfect we are for each other. There are, of course, all the usual other "little" issues that all couples face, like disparity in sex drives, minor living habit things, baggage, etc. It's basically these two things, though (ok, and maybe the difference in sex drive thing too), that have me questioning what has been, in most other ways, a wonderful and satisfying relationship. So, is this a gut feeling or red flag I should listen to, or am I just expecting too much or expecting the wrong things?
Brunettie Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Moving in together is a big step. Maybe sit down with him and explicitly ask. See how he feels about that. Ask him when he thinks he'd like to move in together and see if you are ok with his time frame. 1
Author Annapol Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Guess I could ask what he thinks should happen and when and how. But, honestly, who really knows these things, and who really knows how to express them? I'm not even sure myself at this point. It just feels like we talk about some magical point in the future where we're together, but how do we get there? And, with my concerns about his attitude toward the "friend" thing, do I even WANT to go there? I don't want to be that person that keeps rehashing the same old thing over and over again, but it does feel like it keeps coming up somehow, no matter how laid back I try to be. Either the woman shows up and it's weird, or something happens that makes it come up. Do people ever really come to feel that all their doubts and concerns are answered fully in any relationship?
Recommended Posts