One Last Time

[BruisedBNBroken]

If you know the affair is ending or has recently ended, what does the "one last time" accomplish? Does it give you closure, whatever that is? Does it make you feel worse and start all the thoughts, feelings, memories over again? Does it make no difference since you're hurting regardless and will be hurting anyway? If given the opportunity, I'm not sure I have the will power/logic/common sense/non affair fog thinking to say no.

 

Who has been there done that and has wisdom to share?

[BruisedBNBroken]

Anyone? I really need some cold hard truths!

[fanine]

I cannot say I've done the 'one last time' but I guess the following is similar. There have been a number of times I have tried to go no contact. He has got back in touch, I have responded and he has come around to my place.

We have then spent a lovely time together. Even a whole night and day. Then he leaves, and then suddenly disappears, not contacting me, not answering my texts, leaving me devastated and not having a clue what is happening.

 

Those times were when it felt like that was the 'one last time' but each time I kicked myself because it made me feel even more emotionally battered. I would be furious that I gave in, that I trusted him, I felt even more hurt, and at the same time my low self esteem took a greater battering. What I couldn't make sense of was the fact, okay we had sex, but we didnt have that and then he left. We would spend the rest of the day cooking, watching tv, hugging on the sofa, visiting friends etc....I think actually it might have been easier just to think well it had been a booty call for him....

 

But yet of course it did happen again a couple more times! Because he would come running back begging my forgiveness when I made it clear his lack of communication meant I was leaving....and I stupidly gave in.

 

There were several times I thought - well I want this to be the one last time. But then of course I would have such a lovely time it seemed silly to then end it....so I didn't. The only times I went NC was when he was being a ****....

 

All this is not going to happen again though....

[hippetyhop]

Are you talking about intimacy, or communication in general?!

 

It is early for me right now and coffee hasn't kicked in yet!

[Goodbye]

I had a few "one last times" in the name of closure. I had more to say to exMM before I was done. Many will say never break NC. But, the NC was giving me the space and time to think through some of my/our stuff and it fueled me to contact exMM with more to say. It didn't "change" anything other than my own ability to move on. Which was ok...I continue to move on a bit each day.

[hippetyhop]

I had a few "one last times" in the name of closure. I had more to say to exMM before I was done. Many will say never break NC. But, the NC was giving me the space and time to think through some of my/our stuff and it fueled me to contact exMM with more to say. It didn't "change" anything other than my own ability to move on. Which was ok...I continue to move on a bit each day.

 

That is how I felt responding to xMM emails. He had questions. I wanted to answer them for closure on my part to let him know firmly where I stand.

[BruisedBNBroken]

Are you talking about intimacy, or communication in general?!

 

It is early for me right now and coffee hasn't kicked in yet!

 

LOL!! Intimacy. One more night of sex!

[hippetyhop]

LOL!! Intimacy. One more night of sex!

 

Would he know that it is break up sex?

[Lady2163]

If you know the affair is ending or has recently ended, what does the "one last time" accomplish? Does it give you closure, whatever that is? Does it make you feel worse and start all the thoughts, feelings, memories over again? Does it make no difference since you're hurting regardless and will be hurting anyway? If given the opportunity, I'm not sure I have the will power/logic/common sense/non affair fog thinking to say no.

 

Who has been there done that and has wisdom to share?

 

If you mean one last sex time, I've ruled it out...I think.

 

It just seems really manipulative of me to do that. I know it will be better if I stay strong and don't.

[BruisedBNBroken]

Would he know that it is break up sex?

 

The A is sort of over regardless so not sure if it would be break up sex or just I'm weak and can't help myself sex knowing this is ending after the weekend.

[fanine]

Hi BBNB!

 

You asked me for an update about MM on another thread so I thought I'd post here in regards to your closure questions.

 

It sort of helped me to break NC and let him have it, as it took a really long time for me to "feel" the feeling of being used, cause MM has the nice guy thing going on, he's really a master at it! Just now we recently had a flurry of emails that ended with him saying "I think you might have to kiss me just one more time." it never ends. He tells me he's physically I'll when I completely pull away. But once I let him know he's wanted, he backs off It's all just nuts.

 

They know. They know they can get you at the drop of a hat. They KNOW they withheld a lot and that you want more. They KNOW they are in control. The ONLY power you have us in not giving in. That's when they want you. "no man can resist the woman who puts her heart first."

 

Once you give in, it can be the most AMAZING time, he thinks: now what? The "now what?" is his biggest stressor--a guilt trip he hates. Resents you for it even. He backs off to think and doesn't care that the backing off hurts you. "what did she expect?!" he is thinking. He resents the expecting.

 

In a nutshell, it's just more hurt. But we take it anyway..."I'll sacrifice the hurt later for the pleasure now,"...he's banking on that gamblers attitude in you. He hopes that will take over. But he won't feel like he owes you a thing.

 

You so have it in a nutshell here. Mine knew exactly how to get to me after NC. When I would at first initiate no contact, telling him it was because he was married, I wanted a family etc he would be really cold. His attitude, well I don't care, fine, see ya! even... yet he was the one who would often tell me this situation was not fair on me, that if ever a single guy came along he would understand if our PA ended...

 

But give it a few days, when he began to think, **** she might be serious about this, he would get back in touch. Last time it was after 4 days. He ended up coming around to my house, we spend a whole night and day together. We had a big long chat. He suggested we see a counsellor!

 

Why did I not learn from the previous times!!! Few days later he called me late at night drunk. Wished he could be with me, wanted to spend the whole next day with me, said how much I meant to him. We would have a lovely day together, cook, sex etc. I was excited. I was supposed to pick him up at lunchtime. I texted to say I was ready, he texted back to say, oh I've decided to stay home with the kids. Sorry. Maybe later.

 

Of course I was not happy - but yes i was supposed to just accept that! The fact my emotions were put on a roller coaster once again. The fact my day had been ruined, I had gone out and bought food etc for us. I expressed my displeasure.

 

Since then he has given me the silent treatment. He totally wants to be in control. I am not supposed to have an opinion. My spare time does not matter to him if I am messed around by him, and left at home all alone all day while he plays happy families...not a thought for my feelings. Why he couldn't even ring me that day to tell me? Or even lie and say something has come up with the kids? Rather than just say I would rather stay at home? That was like a knife in my belly...

 

He has given me the silent treatment since then. He doesnt like 'drama' even though he causes it. I have gone NC. I do not care. I know he will still think he can get back into my life again. But no. I am nervous when the phone rings and I receive a text. But I am ready this time. There is no point talking as I am not supposed to have a viewpoint other than his. I am his doll that he keeps locked up in a cupboard, that he takes out when he feels like playing with me (or needs a lift somewhere, or a tenner for something etc)

 

I know I am at fault in some ways for letting him get away with treating me like a doormat. It would never have lasted 18 months if I had been strong enough before to say hey, dont be so selfish. But I have learnt my lesson. He is a selfish coward and takes no responsibility for his actions.

[hippetyhop]

I can agree with you fanine. I'm sure mine didn't think I'd stick to my guns about not continuing any type of A. He probably think I can't live without him. I can. Although I'm breaking NC and keeping my stance, I'm hoping he gives up when he sees I'm not budging.

 

As for one last time-- I don't think its a good idea. It may lead to one more false hope.

[fanine]

I can agree with you fanine. I'm sure mine didn't think I'd stick to my guns about not continuing any type of A. He probably think I can't live without him. I can. Although I'm breaking NC and keeping my stance, I'm hoping he gives up when he sees I'm not budging.

 

As for one last time-- I don't think its a good idea. It may lead to one more false hope.

 

I think if we make any type of contact with them, they think they still have us. It is really, really tough.

 

I'm in a situation where we have quite a few mutual friends (they all knew he had a wife at home) but were all lovely to me. He has lots of things at my house, big things I can't just put in the trash. I was thinking maybe to get a friend to text him about that stuff, and get a taxi to take it all over at a time he is in. Then I do not have to see or talk to him. I know he is using these things as a reason to keep contact with me. His favourite musical instrument is here....

 

His phone is also on my price plan as well He was due to pay a bill this week. I just paid it as otherwise my phone would be cut off as well and I need it for work. I don't want to get in touch to ask him for the money. It's a fair bit, 150 quid. I have to sort out getting his phone off my plan. But I also know he has just been away and they told me his next bill is huge.....that will have to be paid somehow too....

 

If I contact him about either of these things he will either be really really cold with me which cuts like a knife, or he will use it to try and get us back together. I cannot bear either. I have tried the amicable split in the past, but he will never accept that. I have said everything I want to say. I have no energy to send any more emails or texts trying to explain my side of things. I don't even think he reads them...

[Pierre]

For most people CLOSURE or one LAST TIME means HOPE, one more chance to get back together. Or at best it is simply more validation for the other side.

[hippetyhop]

I think if we make any type of contact with them, they think they still have us. It is really, really tough.

 

I'm in a situation where we have quite a few mutual friends (they all knew he had a wife at home) but were all lovely to me. He has lots of things at my house, big things I can't just put in the trash. I was thinking maybe to get a friend to text him about that stuff, and get a taxi to take it all over at a time he is in. Then I do not have to see or talk to him. I know he is using these things as a reason to keep contact with me. His favourite musical instrument is here....

 

His phone is also on my price plan as well He was due to pay a bill this week. I just paid it as otherwise my phone would be cut off as well and I need it for work. I don't want to get in touch to ask him for the money. It's a fair bit, 150 quid. I have to sort out getting his phone off my plan. But I also know he has just been away and they told me his next bill is huge.....that will have to be paid somehow too....

 

If I contact him about either of these things he will either be really really cold with me which cuts like a knife, or he will use it to try and get us back together. I cannot bear either. I have tried the amicable split in the past, but he will never accept that. I have said everything I want to say. I have no energy to send any more emails or texts trying to explain my side of things. I don't even think he reads them...

 

it is really, really tough keeping the NC. I need it to move on. I have no problem being friends/civil with him down the road as we have mutual friends and I'm sure I will be running into him sometime...so that is important to me.

 

Get rid of this things! What is your reason for not getting rid of it?! One of the mutual friends should be able to help you. You are holding on to hope if you don't get rid of those items. The only thing of xMM I have at my house is a running sock. If he asks me for that back, I'll give it to our mutual friend who has NO idea what is going and let him explain.

 

As for the phone bill, just pay it and get him off your plan. It is another way he is keeping control of you. Pay the bill, knock him off, pay any disconnection fees associated with it, block his number and call it a day.

 

If you have no energy to text/email, then find the energy to get rid of his stuff and get the phone bill straightened away. That is how he knows you are for real.

Edited August 1, 2013 by hippetyhop

[fanine]

it is really, really tough keeping the NC. I need it to move on. I have no problem being friends/civil with him down the road as we have mutual friends and I'm sure I will be running into him sometime...so that is important to me.

 

Get rid of this things! What is your reason for not getting rid of it?! One of the mutual friends should be able to help you. You are holding on to hope if you don't get rid of those items. The only thing of xMM I have at my house is a running sock. If he asks me for that back, I'll give it to our mutual friend who has NO idea what is going and let him explain.

 

As for the phone bill, just pay it and get him off your plan. It is another way he is keeping control of you. Pay the bill, knock him off, pay any disconnection fees associated with it, block his number and call it a day.

 

If you have no energy to text/email, then find the energy to get rid of his stuff and get the phone bill straightened away. That is how he knows you are for real.

 

Yep I am going to go to a friend. Not one that was originally his - but one of my female friends he vaguely knows. She is one of my few friends who knows the whole story. I know she will help me, so I can send the stuff over. I do not want him here, I do not want his friends here, even just to pick the stuff up. I do not want to talk to him to organise it. He will probably take notice too if my friend contacts him as always in the past I think he knew that I am not the type to gossip etc and would not tell other people when I had left him. This time he will know she knows I have had enough.

 

With the phone, the bill is 600 quid. I cannot afford that at the moment. I can though have his phone stopped and I will do that today. I think he will get the message then as he knows it is on my account after all!

 

I know he will think I am a bitch but in the end that doesn't really matter. I was always the one who tried to end it amicably but he would not take that. After all, it was only his happiness that was important wasn't it?

[BruisedBNBroken]

Hi BBNB!

 

You asked me for an update about MM on another thread so I thought I'd post here in regards to your closure questions.

 

It sort of helped me to break NC and let him have it, as it took a really long time for me to "feel" the feeling of being used, cause MM has the nice guy thing going on, he's really a master at it! Just now we recently had a flurry of emails that ended with him saying "I think you might have to kiss me just one more time." it never ends. He tells me he's physically I'll when I completely pull away. But once I let him know he's wanted, he backs off It's all just nuts.

 

They know. They know they can get you at the drop of a hat. They KNOW they withheld a lot and that you want more. They KNOW they are in control. The ONLY power you have us in not giving in. That's when they want you. "no man can resist the woman who puts her heart first."

 

Once you give in, it can be the most AMAZING time, he thinks: now what? The "now what?" is his biggest stressor--a guilt trip he hates. Resents you for it even. He backs off to think and doesn't care that the backing off hurts you. "what did she expect?!" he is thinking. He resents the expecting.

 

In a nutshell, it's just more hurt. But we take it anyway..."I'll sacrifice the hurt later for the pleasure now,"...he's banking on that gamblers attitude in you. He hopes that will take over. But he won't feel like he owes you a thing.

 

This a perfectly written response and really describes the situation. I'm going to keep reading it every 5 minutes if I have to. "I'll sacrifice the hurt later for the pleasure now" is exactly whats going through my affair fogged mind.

Ugh! How do I make that switch to "the only power we have is not giving in." I know how much better I will feel getting on that plane with dignity and self confidence knowing I didn't give in. I'm just worried I won't actually be able to resist feeding the addiction one last time.

[Pierre]

It sort of helped me to break NC and let him have it, as it took a really long time for me to "feel" the feeling of being used, cause MM has the nice guy thing going on, he's really a master at it! Just now we recently had a flurry of emails that ended with him saying "I think you might have to kiss me just one more time." it never ends. He tells me he's physically I'll when I completely pull away. But once I let him know he's wanted, he backs off It's all just nuts.

 

Been there done that a 1000 times with EAs. One gets validation with little damage to the relationship with the wife at home. You have just provided this man HUGE validation and he did not have to betray his wife in the worst manner.

 

The validation you provide this man is off the charts because you want him despite his marital status and the fact that his wife is hot. That you want him despite the hurdles is massive validation for him.

 

That you want him despite the massive hurdles is puzzling. But, in the end you are begging for some validation too.

 

They know. They know they can get you at the drop of a hat. They KNOW they withheld a lot and that you want more. They KNOW they are in control. The ONLY power you have us in not giving in. That's when they want you. "no man can resist the woman who puts her heart first."

 

Exactly!!

 

Once you give in, it can be the most AMAZING time, he thinks: now what? The "now what?" is his biggest stressor--a guilt trip he hates. Resents you for it even. He backs off to think and doesn't care that the backing off hurts you. "what did she expect?!" he is thinking. He resents the expecting.

 

OM is thinking: "What is wrong with her? Why is she taking this so seriously?" He goes into panic mode and imagines a bunny boiler. He further states to himself: "Why are women so complicated? Why do they need the ILYs before they put out?"

 

 

In a nutshell, it's just more hurt. But we take it anyway..."I'll sacrifice the hurt later for the pleasure now,"...he's banking on that gamblers attitude in you. He hopes that will take over. But he won't feel like he owes you a thing.

 

Sad!:(

[Mycatsnuggles]

I have done the "one last time" I knew going to see him in my heart I didn't want us to end. If I had really wanted our affair to be over I would have sent an email and been done. I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to convince me to stay. He did. At some point you have to accept what you have together or move on. Is he saying he wants to end the affair? If he is I would tend to believe him, men are more direct in their feelings. If either of you are asking for the one last time together, my bet would be your not done yet.

[MMY]

I broke the NC via text when my ExAP up and stopped talking to me without me truly knowing what was going on. I know she was getting a D and things were and are harder than she ever could imagine.

 

I just needed here from her so I could move on. She never blocked me and did respond back. I have since respected NC and have moved on. It is sometimes difficult not to pick up the phone and text but so far I focus on other things and that temptation passes.

 

I defiantly needed the closure, I had too many things swirling around in my head.

[hippetyhop]

I broke the NC via text when my ExAP up and stopped talking to me without me truly knowing what was going on. I know she was getting a D and things were and are harder than she ever could imagine.

 

I just needed here from her so I could move on. She never blocked me and did respond back. I have since respected NC and have moved on. It is sometimes difficult not to pick up the phone and text but so far I focus on other things and that temptation passes.

 

I defiantly needed the closure, I had too many things swirling around in my head.

 

Welcome back! Haven't seen you here for awhile.

 

As for closure, did you feel you received it?

[MMY]

Welcome back! Haven't seen you here for awhile.

 

As for closure, did you feel you received it?

 

Hey HipHop,

 

Thanks, I have been swamped at work along with moving.

 

Yey, I did get closure. I needed to talk with her and it helped me a lot.

 

I would tell anyone in an A to go NC but try and let the other person know why. Unless they are just a piece of trash. This was my first and only A and we both got Emotionally involved. When you are that involved and we talked all day long everyday, it is a big adjustment going NC.

 

I would love to be able to check in on her to see how she is doing but I know that I can't. I told my W yesterday that I thought Ap and I could have been friends even after the A but that I woke up and realized that could never happen.

 

Whenever I have that stupid urge to break NC, I get on LS.

[hippetyhop]

Hey HipHop,

 

Thanks, I have been swamped at work along with moving.

 

Yey, I did get closure. I needed to talk with her and it helped me a lot.

 

I would tell anyone in an A to go NC but try and let the other person know why. Unless they are just a piece of trash. This was my first and only A and we both got Emotionally involved. When you are that involved and we talked all day long everyday, it is a big adjustment going NC.

 

I would love to be able to check in on her to see how she is doing but I know that I can't. I told my W yesterday that I thought Ap and I could have been friends even after the A but that I woke up and realized that could never happen.

 

Whenever I have that stupid urge to break NC, I get on LS.

 

I'm glad to hear you are doing well. How is everything with you and your wife?

 

I know what you mean about the closure. I felt he deserved to know why. Ultimately, I thought he was done. I'm not sure if you are following any of my threads, but after I cut NC off with my xMM he's been contacting me basically asking if we can be friends. I've been responding to him, but I need to tell him I need space before I can consider that. I think that'll be the test as to how genuine he really is.

 

I'm debating to do it with a follow up email, or call him and lay it out.

[zevahc]

For me, I didn't know it was the last time, but I think Pierre was right that it is more or less another false hope. The last time for me was after we had already somewhat agreed to move on though breadcrumbs were rampant.

 

xMW contacted me and wanted it..i couldn't say no. I honestly didn't really know it would be our last time.

 

For me, the last time isn't a closure thing really...although I would like to think that...there isn't "closure" for me. The last time to me is just more a memory of an amazing conneciton I have with someone I truly love. It's crappy to say because it is wrong...but just feeling close, connected and together. But would always want another "last time"...so I don't think it really matters. xMW and I actually discussed that..and it was decided there is never a good time to have a last time...but rather just to stay in foward progress for as long as we can...and that's all that can be done....

[2sure]

This will make some here think I'm awful. I'm not. Also, I am a different person now than I was when I was OW. At the time, I dated married men exclusively , I had some issues.

 

Anyway, they weren't flings, but full affairs, we had feelings for each other and were friends. But when I felt it was over , I would pretty much just slow it down...and then stop. A phone call to end it. Never another meeting, no response to emails, new phone number.

 

I know they were hurt. And there was nothing I could do to change it .

One more time for closure, changes nothing. Nothing.