confused by his behavior

[DawnR]

Since I last posted, we have had some good days, even GREAT days where we laughed and joked. (it was fun, and I was happy to be here)... but last night it all got started again.

 

Every year we garden... well, our garden this year has started to come in, and I have been making garden foods. (HE LOVES FRESH GARDEN FOOD) So I cooked this huge meal last night. I did it partly because the garden is coming in and we have an overabundance of fresh veggies, and because his brother is staying with us for a few weeks, he is on business. I do not mind him staying, he is ok.. and it saves him having hotel costs.

 

Anyways, because of the overabundance of food, plus brother in law staying... I cooked a big meal. I was in the flow of cooking.... really enjoying myself... Hubby had worked all day, as usual... so when the food was done... I just made him a plate as I made the kids a plate, and carried it to him in the living room where he was already at- watching TV. Brother in law wasn't here yet. (still at work I suppose)-(he came in later, and ate leftovers)

 

MY HUSBAND sat there and ate all that food.... cleaned his plate... (IM TALKING A HUGE MEAL!!) Then it was like he went MUTE. I SWEAR. He didn't so much as thank me. Am I dumb for thinking I should at least get a thank you?!!? He took his empty plate to the kitchen and sat it on the counter... didn't clean it out and put it in the sink or anything. Just sat it on the counter. No kiss, no hug, no thank you... no nothing. Unusually SILENT! Even with his brother sort of, after he came in from work.

 

Then brother in law comes in... and I didn't want our business being his business... so I never said anything. I got the kids ready for bed (while hubby sat there) then I watched tv for a few minutes (same room as hubby and brother) ---- no one said a word to me. Then I just decided I would go lay in our room... might as well. He never came in there... nothing. Apparently I fell asleep... cause I don't remember him coming into the room at all.

 

Well, I tried to stay positive. I do not NEED him to THANK ME for the food... you know? I look at it like it is my job sort of... and I don't mind the cooking... but it was just kind of weird last night. So, I tried to pass it off and not bother READING TOO MUCH INTO IT. But it was way too quite. I mean maybe he had a bad day at work. I don't know.

 

So this morning... I got up, I made his lunch... as I always do. I fixed him a jug of water (as I always do)... and sat it near the door so he doesn't forget to grab it.... as i always dooooo.

 

He grabs his lunch and water-ready to head out the door... and he seems to be looking around for something. (he is an electrician... so he has a lot of little tools he carries... plus a sharpie to label wiring..etc.) -----(so it wouldn't be the first time he has misplaced something).... so I just asked him, "What are you looking for?" It was time for him to leave... so I was going to help him look to help out so he isn't late for work. I wasn't doing anything else yet.

 

He basically shouted (not really loud, but his voice was raised).... "NOTHING!" then said bye (not shouting) and left.

 

Prior to him grabbing his lunchbox... he did kiss me on the forehead... so I don't know what to think?!

 

Sorry if I sound crazy... like maybe I am reading too much into it. But his attitude is just weird. I do not know what to think!? I am confused!

 

I do not think he is cheating... Lord knows when he might have time for that he works non stop... and I doubt he is doing it at work... he works for my uncle, who would certainly let me know if it seemed like infidelity.

 

Maybe I should just take a chill pill. But he raised his voice to me this morning, when I was just going to help. Regardless of his mood or whatever it is not a reason to disrespect me. Maybe he feels like I am just up his *ss!? Maybe I just need to back off. I am ready for school to start. I am bored with the same non stop hectic routine around here... and I am ready for a new change of scenery. I do love him... but when he acts like this... I don't love him as much, and I do not feel like he loves me at all.

 

I NEVER RAISE MY VOICE TO HIM. EVER. Unless it is in my own defense. There have been very few times in 11 years marriage we have ever "LOUDLY ARGUED"

[Moper]

Count your blessings you have a high class problem right now, if everything is at your narrative suggests.

 

Everything is never as your narrative suggests, but that is meaningless. When your husband raises his voice to you, you feel what? Anger? Sad? When he doesn't say thank you, you feel what? When is silent and brooding, you feel what?

 

These are unfiltered emotions. You should understand that. You feel them, and then they are gone unless you channel them into filtered emotions. You have no real control over them--you feel what you feel--but you don't have to let them affect your behavior. You can, but you don't have to.

 

Filtered emotions accompany your narrative. Your narrative here is that he may be cheating on you. You don't think he is, but he could be and this makes you feel what? Angry? Sad? Confused? Frustrated?

 

Guess what? You have no real way to know what he feels or whether he is cheating unless he tells you, and even then there is no way. You are pretty much along for the ride. I might let him know my unfiltered feelings from time to time. A simple, "I am sad" might suffice? Take that as free advice from a total stranger though.

 

As for the narrative and filtered emotions I would be a lot more careful. A lot more careful. I suspect from what you say that he is not cheating on you and this narrative is from your own insecurities. I would explore that a little more if I was you.

[Turtles]

Dawn, I understand how you feel, I cook dinner every night, and it irritates me if she just takes the plate and eats without a word, it's not that I need a praise, I just feel like it's common courtesy between civilized people - well I was raised in a world where words like Please, Thank you and Good morning are second nature, so I feel like something is wrong when they go missing, no matter how crappy the day was at work.

 

But anyway, it's also a matter of character and how someone was brought up, and I see that behavior a lot more where I live now (which is also where she is from), so I don't read too much into it - everybody is entitled to a crabass day once in a while. If it goes on for more than a day or 2 I ask her who pissed in her wheaties and she knows what I mean, apologizes and explains whatever it is that is on her mind (or chalks it up to hormones, which is a bit of a cop out, but I don't mind, as long as she is aware of it and able to communicate)

[DawnR]

Count your blessings you have a high class problem right now, if everything is at your narrative suggests.

 

Everything is never as your narrative suggests, but that is meaningless. When your husband raises his voice to you, you feel what? Anger? Sad? When he doesn't say thank you, you feel what? When is silent and brooding, you feel what?

 

These are unfiltered emotions. You should understand that. You feel them, and then they are gone unless you channel them into filtered emotions. You have no real control over them--you feel what you feel--but you don't have to let them affect your behavior. You can, but you don't have to.

 

Filtered emotions accompany your narrative. Your narrative here is that he may be cheating on you. You don't think he is, but he could be and this makes you feel what? Angry? Sad? Confused? Frustrated?

 

Guess what? You have no real way to know what he feels or whether he is cheating unless he tells you, and even then there is no way. You are pretty much along for the ride. I might let him know my unfiltered feelings from time to time. A simple, "I am sad" might suffice? Take that as free advice from a total stranger though.

 

As for the narrative and filtered emotions I would be a lot more careful. A lot more careful. I suspect from what you say that he is not cheating on you and this narrative is from your own insecurities. I would explore that a little more if I was you.

 

 

I appreciate your response I truly do. I do understand somewhat the things you are saying. But what are you suggesting that I do. I dont feel he should ever raise his voice to me. I was only trying to help this morning... and he was blatantly rude and had a flip attitude... which leaves me feeling... "Well, find the damn thing yourself you rude thing!" (you know what I mean... just drives a wedge in there and makes what may not have been a huge deal... now a big deal)

 

As for the comments on cheating... I simply put that in there... to avoid any advice that he is cheating on me. I guess that could always happen... in any relationship at any time. I do not feel that this is the case though. I value any and all advice and I just didnt want to waste a possible reply on that matter because it is farthest from what I think the problem may be. I was hoping to avoid that advice and get advice concerning how to handle this situation so as to avoid it in the future.

 

He is never grateful for the food I cook, or the laundry I wash.... and the list goes on... which has gotten this way... because i let it go and deal with it. really it does bother me in the long run. How do I stop it. It bothers me, and he needs to be grateful. I bust my tale and he doesnt even seem to care. I feel like it is my job... but when he acts like it is my job... that is where the problem arrises. THEN... raising his voice at me this morning, after an entire night of sleep. I could pass his attitude last night off on a long day at work.. or whatever. BUT, why raise your voice to me this morning? What did I do? It is a brand new day!? I just dont understand why i can not be upset about that. Do other wives just let things like that go!?

 

NOTE: because of his lack of appreciation about my cooking... I have gotten to where I do not even enjoy it anymore. It is a job for me. I do not look forward to making the meal... at all.

[DawnR]

Dawn, I understand how you feel, I cook dinner every night, and it irritates me if she just takes the plate and eats without a word, it's not that I need a praise, I just feel like it's common courtesy between civilized people - well I was raised in a world where words like Please, Thank you and Good morning are second nature, so I feel like something is wrong when they go missing, no matter how crappy the day was at work.

 

But anyway, it's also a matter of character and how someone was brought up, and I see that behavior a lot more where I live now (which is also where she is from), so I don't read too much into it - everybody is entitled to a crabass day once in a while. If it goes on for more than a day or 2 I ask her who pissed in her wheaties and she knows what I mean, apologizes and explains whatever it is that is on her mind (or chalks it up to hormones, which is a bit of a cop out, but I don't mind, as long as she is aware of it and able to communicate)

 

Someone has definetly pissed in his wheaties! lol and he didnt thank the person who made him the wheaties either! LMAO! I see what you are saying. I mean our life is hectic... he hates where we live... we are stuck here till I finish school... I try to be understanding... but i feel that is a courtesy I deserve as well. He needs to try to understand where I come from also. Marriage is a two way street. I cook for you... say thanks. DANG. But...... according to MOPER above, I feel like I should just let it go.. because the fact that is bothers me... is not necessarily a problem everyone would face.... like maybe it shouldnt. But then when hubby kind of got the attitude this morning... I was instantly thinking... HE HATES ME. RUDE AND UNGRATEFUL LAST NIGHT... and THIS MORNING THIS ATTITUDE.

 

is what I am doing not good enough or ... maybe I baby him too much. I have no idea.

 

11 years of marriage. He is awesome. BUT THIS THING just seems so disrespectful! agh.

[Moper]

I appreciate your response I truly do. I do understand somewhat the things you are saying. But what are you suggesting that I do. I dont feel he should ever raise his voice to me. I was only trying to help this morning... and he was blatantly rude and had a flip attitude... which leaves me feeling... "Well, find the damn thing yourself you rude thing!" (you know what I mean... just drives a wedge in there and makes what may not have been a huge deal... now a big deal)

 

As for the comments on cheating... I simply put that in there... to avoid any advice that he is cheating on me. I guess that could always happen... in any relationship at any time. I do not feel that this is the case though. I value any and all advice and I just didnt want to waste a possible reply on that matter because it is farthest from what I think the problem may be. I was hoping to avoid that advice and get advice concerning how to handle this situation so as to avoid it in the future.

 

He is never grateful for the food I cook, or the laundry I wash.... and the list goes on... which has gotten this way... because i let it go and deal with it. really it does bother me in the long run. How do I stop it. It bothers me, and he needs to be grateful. I bust my tale and he doesnt even seem to care. I feel like it is my job... but when he acts like it is my job... that is where the problem arrises. THEN... raising his voice at me this morning, after an entire night of sleep. I could pass his attitude last night off on a long day at work.. or whatever. BUT, why raise your voice to me this morning? What did I do? It is a brand new day!? I just dont understand why i can not be upset about that. Do other wives just let things like that go!?

 

NOTE: because of his lack of appreciation about my cooking... I have gotten to where I do not even enjoy it anymore. It is a job for me. I do not look forward to making the meal... at all.

 

I think I understand all of that and I think I gave you some good advice. I am not being snotty here as I am more than happy to discuss it with you further. We agree on the affair part. I was suggesting to you that you not dwell on it as you really have no objective evidence of it and your lack of suspicion, in this instance, is well-founded. I was affirming you on this. It doesn't really matter to me why you brought it up, but I do think your thought was constructively expressed and my point about narratives could be helpful to you.

 

Your narrative about his lack of appreciation is also a narrative, meaning it is something you can change. The distinction between filtered and unfiltered emotions is an important one to understand, I think. You have your immediate, unfiltered feelings each time there is an event. The event is real. Your emotion is real.

 

The point about your narrative, in this instance that he never appreciates your cooking, may or may not be real. In fact it is unlikely that it is real. You have no idea what your husband appreciates or doesn't appreciate at any given moment. No one does, perhaps even him and I suggest probably even him.

 

In other words it is his problem. You can't change him. In fact you should not want to change him. There is an enmeshment in that. You might make suggestions but his reaction is going to be whatever it will be.

 

I am I because I am I and you are you because you are you.

 

You can change your narrative. What is it that you want? You want to please your husband? That can be your narrative--"I am fixing him dinner because I want to please him whether he likes it not, dammit!"

 

A little humor there, perhaps, but to the point.

 

And then I would ask you why you're building the narrative that he doesn't appreciate you. I don't need an answer to that, of course. I ask you that because I think you need to know.

 

Again, I respectfully suggest that you are expressing your own insecurities. I hope you don't take that as an insult as I mean it to be constructive. You may or may not find an answer but remember, you don't really want to arrive at your destination too soon. Your destination, and mine, is death. You are on the journey, my friend, and the road has all kinds of twists and turns. You can complain about those twists and turns, and from time to time you will, or you can appreciate the ride. Even your husband can't change that.

[Moper]

Someone has definetly pissed in his wheaties! lol and he didnt thank the person who made him the wheaties either! LMAO! I see what you are saying. I mean our life is hectic... he hates where we live... we are stuck here till I finish school... I try to be understanding... but i feel that is a courtesy I deserve as well. He needs to try to understand where I come from also. Marriage is a two way street. I cook for you... say thanks. DANG. But...... according to MOPER above, I feel like I should just let it go.. because the fact that is bothers me... is not necessarily a problem everyone would face.... like maybe it shouldnt. But then when hubby kind of got the attitude this morning... I was instantly thinking... HE HATES ME. RUDE AND UNGRATEFUL LAST NIGHT... and THIS MORNING THIS ATTITUDE.

 

is what I am doing not good enough or ... maybe I baby him too much. I have no idea.

 

11 years of marriage. He is awesome. BUT THIS THING just seems so disrespectful! agh.

 

Oh I am not suggesting that you let anything go and please, my suggestions are just that. I try not to judge. I am only suggesting that you might go beyond yourself, which is your present perspective. That's all.

 

I am assuming something here that may or may not be true, which is that this particular hill of yours is not worth dying on. But that is entirely up to you. There are hills worth dying on.

[imfine]

Dawn, do you work outside the home? I am in no way trying to imply that housewives don't work because I know they do, very hard work I might add, but I noticed by your location you are from an area very close to me. Perhaps he has settled into the "my job is to provide" and "your job is to take care of the home" belief that is so common in the South. You sound like a wonderful wife and you deserve appreciation for your hard work. He sounds like a harder worker outside the home and he deserves the same. How often do you praise him for the long hours he dedicates to making a living? I know your actions show it, but maybe he wants to hear it. Try bragging on him, perhaps in a flirty way, when he comes home from work. Something like, "I'm so happy to see my hot, sweaty hardworking man. How was your day baby?" See what kind of response you get. You might get a little early evening lovin' out of it I'm not condoning him not showing you appreciation, but may he's feeling unappreciated. Maybe if you give him what you need, he'll reciprocate.

[DawnR]

I think I understand all of that and I think I gave you some good advice. I am not being snotty here as I am more than happy to discuss it with you further. We agree on the affair part. I was suggesting to you that you not dwell on it as you really have no objective evidence of it and your lack of suspicion, in this instance, is well-founded. I was affirming you on this. It doesn't really matter to me why you brought it up, but I do think your thought was constructively expressed and my point about narratives could be helpful to you.

 

Your narrative about his lack of appreciation is also a narrative, meaning it is something you can change. The distinction between filtered and unfiltered emotions is an important one to understand, I think. You have your immediate, unfiltered feelings each time there is an event. The event is real. Your emotion is real.

 

The point about your narrative, in this instance that he never appreciates your cooking, may or may not be real. In fact it is unlikely that it is real. You have no idea what your husband appreciates or doesn't appreciate at any given moment. No one does, perhaps even him and I suggest probably even him.

 

In other words it is his problem. You can't change him. In fact you should not want to change him. There is an enmeshment in that. You might make suggestions but his reaction is going to be whatever it will be.

 

I am I because I am I and you are you because you are you.

 

You can change your narrative. What is it that you want? You want to please your husband? That can be your narrative--"I am fixing him dinner because I want to please him whether he likes it not, dammit!"

 

A little humor there, perhaps, but to the point.

 

And then I would ask you why you're building the narrative that he doesn't appreciate you. I don't need an answer to that, of course. I ask you that because I think you need to know.

 

Again, I respectfully suggest that you are expressing your own insecurities. I hope you don't take that as an insult as I mean it to be constructive. You may or may not find an answer but remember, you don't really want to arrive at your destination too soon. Your destination, and mine, is death. You are on the journey, my friend, and the road has all kinds of twists and turns. You can complain about those twists and turns, and from time to time you will, or you can appreciate the ride. Even your husband can't change that.

 

 

Right right, but why am I insecure. I do not feel like I FEEL insecure... (does that make a bit of sense?) This makes it sound like the problem is completely within myself. I am reading too much into how he feels. You are right when you say... I do not know if he appreciates it or not... I mean, HE ATE THE FOOD.

 

I should just not let it bother me... because again... I have no idea how he feels??? He may have thought it was the best meal he ever ate. BUT... I do not want to be unappreciated... etc... and being used as a COOK, HOUSEKEEPER, BABYSITTER, ---- and only thinking I am appreciated.

 

OKAY: look at it this way.... if he cooked for me... and I sat there.. not saying a word... then took my plate to the kitchen and still did not even acknowledge any form of gratitude... he would be ok with that?

 

I guess it is a men are from mars and women are from venus thing??

 

I am just taking it to heart.

 

But explain him raising his voice this morning?! Totally uncalled for behavior. RUDE to say the least?! I was only trying to help... he was looking for something... I was going to look also...

 

Same thing goes with this as well... if I had snapped at him like that.... he would have been taken aback as well.

[DawnR]

Oh I am not suggesting that you let anything go and please, my suggestions are just that. I try not to judge. I am only suggesting that you might go beyond yourself, which is your present perspective. That's all.

 

I am assuming something here that may or may not be true, which is that this particular hill of yours is not worth dying on. But that is entirely up to you. There are hills worth dying on.

 

haha... I do not wish to die on this hill. LOL I completely understand what you are saying.... but because of his attitude... this is a repeating issue. Why keep repeating this ISSUE if there is a resolve.

[Moper]

Imfine, you have hit on something here and you just gave me insight into my own predicament. Thank you.

 

My wife's behavior is kind of like Dawn's husband's, except there is no way I can ever do enough around the house. If I did absolutely everything she would still complain and boss me around. I say that to her directly and she never denies it.

 

That said I have to qualify it. The fact that my wife is "unappreciative" is no excuse for my own behavior.

 

You conjured up for me the voice of my now ex affair partner. I offer this for insight because I guess Dawn is on a road that I have gone down. My exAP gave me the kind of "appreciation" just in her tone that I am not getting from my wife.

 

I cannot tell you the pain I have caused myself here, as a cautionary note. I suppressed this for many years and it's bitten me in the ass. I guess there is a fine line between changing the narrative and stuffing it?

[Moper]

Right right, but why am I insecure. I do not feel like I FEEL insecure... (does that make a bit of sense?) This makes it sound like the problem is completely within myself. I am reading too much into how he feels. You are right when you say... I do not know if he appreciates it or not... I mean, HE ATE THE FOOD.

 

I should just not let it bother me... because again... I have no idea how he feels??? He may have thought it was the best meal he ever ate. BUT... I do not want to be unappreciated... etc... and being used as a COOK, HOUSEKEEPER, BABYSITTER, ---- and only thinking I am appreciated.

 

OKAY: look at it this way.... if he cooked for me... and I sat there.. not saying a word... then took my plate to the kitchen and still did not even acknowledge any form of gratitude... he would be ok with that?

 

I guess it is a men are from mars and women are from venus thing??

 

I am just taking it to heart.

 

But explain him raising his voice this morning?! Totally uncalled for behavior. RUDE to say the least?! I was only trying to help... he was looking for something... I was going to look also...

 

Same thing goes with this as well... if I had snapped at him like that.... he would have been taken aback as well.

 

People are people Dawn. I'm not sure I would go with the men from mars thing.

 

Sure, he was rude and your feelings are your feelings. I totally validate that.

 

I am thinking of my wife and her "unappreciativeness" and I don't really have an answer. Even worse I am thinking now, at this point, do I really want her to appreciate me?

 

Like I keep saying, I am only making suggestions. A question that I keep asking is "what do I want this to be like in 5 years?" Maybe you might benefit from asking yourself that now? Maybe you ought to ask your husband? Maybe you tell him what you want your marriage to be like?

 

Man, this is killing me so I do hope you figure this out. And please let me know, whatever you come up with.

[DawnR]

Dawn, do you work outside the home? I am in no way trying to imply that housewives don't work because I know they do, very hard work I might add, but I noticed by your location you are from an area very close to me. Perhaps he has settled into the "my job is to provide" and "your job is to take care of the home" belief that is so common in the South. You sound like a wonderful wife and you deserve appreciation for your hard work. He sounds like a harder worker outside the home and he deserves the same. How often do you praise him for the long hours he dedicates to making a living? I know your actions show it, but maybe he wants to hear it. Try bragging on him, perhaps in a flirty way, when he comes home from work. Something like, "I'm so happy to see my hot, sweaty hardworking man. How was your day baby?" See what kind of response you get. You might get a little early evening lovin' out of it I'm not condoning him not showing you appreciation, but may he's feeling unappreciated. Maybe if you give him what you need, he'll reciprocate.

 

I go out of my way to appreciate him... flirty and otherwise. I have gone so far as to be STRAIGHT UP... DOWN TO EARTH... and say... "I want you to know how much I appreciate you!" in a face to face... very serious conversation.

 

and I do appreciate him, I want him to know that... without his supporting us.. I would not be able to go to school. I would be working some dead end job somewhere. I have told him numerous times. I want him to know he is appreciated. Which is why when he doesnt appreciate me in return... it bothers me.

 

I bust my tale at this house, and have done so for a long time. I have spent YEARS literally (approx 3.5 WAITING on him to return from 2 different deployments...) I sat here being a single MOM for those years. We also built a fixer-upper home. Which he have both put many hours into. This list could go on...

 

I dont know, if he doesnt feel that I appreciate him... he has clearly ignored me. But I feel I have done plenty to deserve his appreciation as well.

[imfine]

You're welcome Moper. If you want advice on marriage, ask a divorced person who's spent countless hours analyzing her own behaviors that led to the breakdown of the marriage. Things that seem like a huge deal during the marriage don't seem so much when you have hours, days, weeks alone to think about it.

[DawnR]

People are people Dawn. I'm not sure I would go with the men from mars thing.

 

Sure, he was rude and your feelings are your feelings. I totally validate that.

 

I am thinking of my wife and her "unappreciativeness" and I don't really have an answer. Even worse I am thinking now, at this point, do I really want her to appreciate me?

 

Like I keep saying, I am only making suggestions. A question that I keep asking is "what do I want this to be like in 5 years?" Maybe you might benefit from asking yourself that now? Maybe you ought to ask your husband? Maybe you tell him what you want your marriage to be like?

 

Man, this is killing me so I do hope you figure this out. And please let me know, whatever you come up with.

 

 

Moper, I am sorry you are having a difficult relationship. I do think you want her to appreciate you. You may not think that it is ok to feel that way, but if you are getting up in the morning and cleaning and cooking and all that good stuff. That is a job in itself and you or me or anyone deserves appreciation for it. It is common courtesy to acknowledge when someone does something for you. Just like I acknowledge him working while I go to school.

 

But this makes me think... maybe he doesnt need to be appreciated, like I do. They say opposites attract. This is definitely true in our relationship. Its never been a problem except in this aspect.

 

I appreciate every single bit of your advice. I do. I wish you much luck as well!

[Moper]

You're welcome Moper. If you want advice on marriage, ask a divorced person who's spent countless hours analyzing her own behaviors that led to the breakdown of the marriage. Things that seem like a huge deal during the marriage don't seem so much when you have hours, days, weeks alone to think about it.

 

So I will, thank you.

 

I have realized what you say and have stuffed the ultimately not so huge deal as a result. This stuffing left me open to my affair primarily because my affair partner showed me the affection I craved. And let me tell you, the emotional part of that affection feels so good it is like what I imagine cocaine to be. I want it. I want it badly.

 

So where's the answer here? You are right. I answer my own question and if I think about divorce I know for a fact that you are right. I forego the candy? I don't want to be a serial wayward spouse. I want to learn from this.

[Moper]

Moper, I am sorry you are having a difficult relationship. I do think you want her to appreciate you. You may not think that it is ok to feel that way, but if you are getting up in the morning and cleaning and cooking and all that good stuff. That is a job in itself and you or me or anyone deserves appreciation for it. It is common courtesy to acknowledge when someone does something for you. Just like I acknowledge him working while I go to school.

 

But this makes me think... maybe he doesnt need to be appreciated, like I do. They say opposites attract. This is definitely true in our relationship. Its never been a problem except in this aspect.

 

I appreciate every single bit of your advice. I do. I wish you much luck as well!

 

And I appreciate you making me think here. I suspect he needs to be appreciated but really isn't good at expressing himself. Again I would go back to the unfiltered emotion thing. If you are having no other problem except this aspect then I would try to avoid other narratives, I think.

 

I would continue the acknowledgement and the flirtiness though. I just would say that I am doing it for myself, not for him, assuming you are really feeling those things for him. I would avoid retaliation.

 

My wife and I do a lot of retaliation. It is toxic.

 

I assume your feelings for him are real. I also think your doing those things keeps your own feelings for him alive. As I said you have a high class problem here and I am jealous. Nothing would be easier for me right now than to have those feelings for my wife and not for my ex AP.

[imfine]

Moper - I have found where I went wrong so that I know better for the future, but it doesn't change my ex's role in the breakdown of the marriage. Only you can decide what is acceptable to you. Happiness can not be fully achieved through another person whether it be your spouse or an AP. Happiness is something you must find within yourself.

[Moper]

Moper - I have found where I went wrong so that I know better for the future, but it doesn't change my ex's role in the breakdown of the marriage. Only you can decide what is acceptable to you. Happiness can not be fully achieved through another person whether it be your spouse or an AP. Happiness is something you must find within yourself.

 

True. I do not blame my wife for anything. I made my own bed. She says she isn't having a problem and she thinks the way things are is just fine given our circumstances. It's funny because our emotional states have reversed over the past 10 years. It think that happens.

 

Yes I will have to decide whether I want to find happiness with her or without her, although there is no way I can get rid of her because of children and financial responsibilities. And to my own credit I have not just run away. I am dealing with it and will see that process through.

 

Yes the goal is to find that something within and I suspect I already know what it is. I am not ready to find it. I have to suffer first and right now the question I asked is truly tormenting me because I am still in withdrawal.

 

I am not sure whether I went wrong, exactly. I arrived at this particular point and I am only beginning to think with my mind instead of my emotions. I guess that is my answer?

[DawnR]

True. I do not blame my wife for anything. I made my own bed. She says she isn't having a problem and she thinks the way things are is just fine given our circumstances. It's funny because our emotional states have reversed over the past 10 years. It think that happens.

 

Yes I will have to decide whether I want to find happiness with her or without her, although there is no way I can get rid of her because of children and financial responsibilities. And to my own credit I have not just run away. I am dealing with it and will see that process through.

 

Yes the goal is to find that something within and I suspect I already know what it is. I am not ready to find it. I have to suffer first and right now the question I asked is truly tormenting me because I am still in withdrawal.

 

I am not sure whether I went wrong, exactly. I arrived at this particular point and I am only beginning to think with my mind instead of my emotions. I guess that is my answer?

 

 

Moper, where does your wife stand on the emotional affair? What has she said? Does she want to seperate? Is she willing to work on it?

 

I know I might get some flack for this, but I feel like an emotional affair (although not a good thing) is at least better than the sexual affair. Good for you for trying to nix the EA... so as to keep it from leading to a more intimate situation. I think if My husband EMOTIONALLY cheated, I would be more willing to forgive and work on it than if he had a sexual affair.

 

So, I am just curious as to where your wife stands on the matter. If she is willing to fix it, then she should also be willing to hear what drove you to do what you did. IMO

 

[2sunny]

I appreciate your response I truly do. I do understand somewhat the things you are saying. But what are you suggesting that I do. I dont feel he should ever raise his voice to me. I was only trying to help this morning... and he was blatantly rude and had a flip attitude... which leaves me feeling... "Well, find the damn thing yourself you rude thing!" (you know what I mean... just drives a wedge in there and makes what may not have been a huge deal... now a big deal)

 

As for the comments on cheating... I simply put that in there... to avoid any advice that he is cheating on me. I guess that could always happen... in any relationship at any time. I do not feel that this is the case though. I value any and all advice and I just didnt want to waste a possible reply on that matter because it is farthest from what I think the problem may be. I was hoping to avoid that advice and get advice concerning how to handle this situation so as to avoid it in the future.

 

He is never grateful for the food I cook, or the laundry I wash.... and the list goes on... which has gotten this way... because i let it go and deal with it. really it does bother me in the long run. How do I stop it. It bothers me, and he needs to be grateful. I bust my tale and he doesnt even seem to care. I feel like it is my job... but when he acts like it is my job... that is where the problem arrises. THEN... raising his voice at me this morning, after an entire night of sleep. I could pass his attitude last night off on a long day at work.. or whatever. BUT, why raise your voice to me this morning? What did I do? It is a brand new day!? I just dont understand why i can not be upset about that. Do other wives just let things like that go!?

 

NOTE: because of his lack of appreciation about my cooking... I have gotten to where I do not even enjoy it anymore. It is a job for me. I do not look forward to making the meal... at all.

 

Go to work yourself every day!

 

Let him cook half the time. You would then be working too - and you two could share EARNING MONEY and DOING household duties.

 

Yes, he SHOULD thank you - and you should thank him for working hard!

 

NO, he should not think raising his voice to you is EVER ok!

 

Have you point blank told him that his behavior of ignoring you and being unappreciated makes you feel under valued and ignored?

 

Are YOU being completely honest with him every day by being honest and speaking up?

Edited July 31, 2013 by 2sunny

[Moper]

Moper, where does your wife stand on the emotional affair? What has she said? Does she want to seperate? Is she willing to work on it?

 

I know I might get some flack for this, but I feel like an emotional affair (although not a good thing) is at least better than the sexual affair. Good for you for trying to nix the EA... so as to keep it from leading to a more intimate situation. I think if My husband EMOTIONALLY cheated, I would be more willing to forgive and work on it than if he had a sexual affair.

 

So, I am just curious as to where your wife stands on the matter. If she is willing to fix it, then she should also be willing to hear what drove you to do what you did. IMO

 

 

I had an EA about 10 years ago. My wife doesn't know. I had an EA that led to more about 4 months ago, and it ended for all practical purposes a month ago but really just a couple of days ago for sure. My wife does not know. Telling her right now would serve no good purpose as I am working on myself and certainly it would make her miserable. Ultimately, whether I tell her or not is something to be decided.

 

I am only just beginning to think with my head instead of my emotions. My wife is utterly oblivious, sad to say. I have never thought of myself as being a liar, but here I am. She is a victim, pure and simple.

 

There is no difference Dawn, at least not in the way you are suggesting. Your perspective on that may be different since my wife and I have not had a sex life for many years? She is a room mate and a business partner and seems to be quite content with that, although receptive to working things out.

[DawnR]

Go to work yourself every day!

 

Let him cook half the time. You would then be working too - and you two could share EARNING MONEY and DOING household duties.

 

Yes, he SHOULD thank you - and you should thank him for working hard!

 

NO, he should not think raising his voice to you is EVER ok!

 

Have you point blank told him that his behavior of ignoring you and being unappreciated makes you feel under valued and ignored?

 

Are YOU being completely honest with him every day by being honest and speaking up?

 

 

I am a student. I have been a stay at home mom up until now. I did work in the beginning, but as he was deployed... and three kids came along... it just made more sense to stay home. Childcare was more expensive than either of us could afford with no degree. We are high school sweethearts and have been married eleven years. We were young yes, but are better off (relationship wise) than many of our friends and their spouses. We are pretty well the only couple left who was together 'way back when' (as I like to call it) So many of our friends seperated following the first couple of years, then as we made more friends... many through the army... they started to seperate through the first deployment. The ones who were still hanging on to what they had left of a relationship ended it following the second deployment.

After he returned from his second deployment he went to school, I waited because we had small kids. He earned a degree in Industrial Maintenance and also his Electrician License. I still had small kids in the home, so it made sense for me to stay home (cost of daycare for three kids was outrageous!) Then in 2011 (he was working now-at a decent paying job) our oldest child was in school, and our middle one started at the local headstart (free program) we paid for the baby to go to a daycare ($115 weekly) That same August I started school. I am majoring in Elementary Education. I will graduate in May 2016.

This year will be the first year that all of my kids are in school. The baby will go to Pre-K the middle one goes to kindergarten and the oldest is starting 4th grade.

 

Let me tell you firsthand... the way we have chosen to live our lives should be a poster for COLLEGE EDUCATION PRIOR TO MARRIAGE! lol

 

BUT, we are doing the best we can. We have made it this far, and I do not have any intention of "DIEING ON THIS HILL" as moper had previously said. Its just not really fun right here where I am.

 

Honestly, with three kids... their homework, my homework from full time college courses, a marriage, a house.... I am thankful as exhausting as it is sometimes that I can be a stay at home mom.

 

BELIEVE ME.... I can not wait to go to work, I have dreams about making my lesson plans, and educating my future students. lol silly I know... but I do. I am so excited to get started. I just know... that by adding a job, even part time, right now... might knock me out of getting to finish school. I love my husband for allowing me to do this. I have wanted to teach since I was in 3rd grade. He knows that, and I want to believe that he knows how important it is to me to finish.

 

 

BUT to answer your question..... I guess I could be more honest and upfront to him about how he makes me feel when he is like that... I guess I often think its easier to let it go.. because we both have enough on our plate. Thank GOD for forums to let us vent!

[DawnR]

I had an EA about 10 years ago. My wife doesn't know. I had an EA that led to more about 4 months ago, and it ended for all practical purposes a month ago but really just a couple of days ago for sure. My wife does not know. Telling her right now would serve no good purpose as I am working on myself and certainly it would make her miserable. Ultimately, whether I tell her or not is something to be decided.

 

I am only just beginning to think with my head instead of my emotions. My wife is utterly oblivious, sad to say. I have never thought of myself as being a liar, but here I am. She is a victim, pure and simple.

 

There is no difference Dawn, at least not in the way you are suggesting. Your perspective on that may be different since my wife and I have not had a sex life for many years? She is a room mate and a business partner and seems to be quite content with that, although receptive to working things out.

 

You have to show her the respect of telling her. I am sure you plan on doing that? That is going to be a hard day at your house. But by not telling her, it is going to just eat away at you and eat away... its bet to do what you have to do asap. BUT, I do see how you need a minute to get your head around it.

 

On the other hand... look at what drove you to the affair. I can see how my situation and your situation can relate now. I feel hubby doesn't appreciate me, you feel your wife didnt appreciate you. NO PASSION. I have no intention of living in a situation where I feel like a ROOM MATE only. SO I can see what drove you to the affair too. I have never cheated, emotionally or otherwise... and I would like to say that i never will... but who is to say what a person would or would not do under certain circumstances.

 

Your wife though is going to be hurt. BUT.... do you ever try to me intimate with her? I mean, do you try and she shoots you down, or are you both just non affectionate toward each other? (Make sense?) If she is shooting you down, then it is partly on her too. As wrong as that may sound.

[2sunny]

Then tell him. If he's ignoring you and not appreciating your efforts - then it's up to you - to tell him how this makes you feel.

 

Most men aren't mind readers!