Dancing Lights Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) Hello Everyone I was together with my ex for 2 years in a distance relationship. We saw each other 3-4 times per year for 2-3 weeks. Everytime we were together she was so happy and loving, she was crying in my arms at nights about how much she miss me and everything she has is me, and she cant wait till we can move together. She asked me to promise her we going to get married and I never going to leave her. We had some problems during the relationship other than distance for example, I wasnt really a man more like a puppy and my money situation wasnt always the best (but well I am an university student). I am moving to her country for half a year because I am going to be a traded student, and in our plans we could spend the summer together. Before I could go there 2 weeks earlier she broke up with me. She was really weak at that point and missed me too much. A guy who is her best friend's best friend showed up and became way to nice to her. She was confused and cried to me she loves me but she doesnt know what to do. I said tell him stop if you really love me then even its your friend you send him away this happened but the guy was just laughing because he didnt mean to get her. 1 week later the broke up happened. I know from sources they are together and my gf thinks everything will be easier with that guy and she wants to forget me with this guy. She basically jumped to a rebound relationship to not to be alone or just because she wanted to be with him (which I am not sure because the guy tried to get her for 4 years now, and she was looking for a guy desperatly before she met me). So my problem: She wants to be friends with me, when we broke up she never said this is over forever she never deleted or did any hard thing towards me. When I was desperate I asked her things about the future and she kept saying to me, she believes we will be together but not now. This is fixable but now, maybe later. 1 week after I was crying and being desperate I decided I am not up for this "be friends and nothing happened situation", so I deleted her and no contact rule. She got sooo mad she said this is over permanently and she never want to see me again, she will ignore me. Her reactions showed emotions... (but she never ignored me) After 1 week I called her because that was our 2nd anniversary she was happy I heard on her voice how happy and smiling she was during that like 10 min talk. After that we havent talked for 1,5 weeks. I offered her I add her back on a game which we are both playing,so we can play together but nothing less nothing more... She took this as I am over her and I have no feelings anymore and we can be friends, she started to making again comments and stuff which allows her to control my feelings... I am showing her atm I am not a puppy anymore, I am strong and I control the situation from my side I just dont get it, I still love her and she is so messed up right now in my opinion... She broke up and she wanted to move on, but for some reason she doesnt let me go. She wants to be so much in contact with me still. From some informations I know she is not fully happy with the new guy even she is its because of every new relationship is happy at the start, and she is trying so hard but she is comparing me with him. I am sorry for the wall of text just the situation is complex and for sure you guys have questions. And sorry for my english its not my native. I am just curious about what you guys think. Atm I am waiting and not giving her the opportunity to feel she has me. In 4 weeks I am moving to her city for studies for 5 weeks. She is going to vacation with the guy for 5 days (which I feel its extremelly early, and her move what she does is kinda what she wanted to do with me...) Her friends who I have contact with all said this isa mistake from her, and even her mum who loves me so much keep contact with me because she looks at me like her friend... telling me we will be again together. Its like people who is around her says she is doing a mistake and things which keep me hope, but I am not sure at all, they wouldnt lie to me thats for sure, just to keep hope in me. So I dont know everyone sees she does a mistake but she doesnt, and not sure how long the relationship will last. Thanks for the read and sorry for the long post. Edited July 31, 2013 by Dancing Lights
Carenth Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) Sorry to hear about your break up Dancing Lights. However it is quite clear you are still dealing with this breakup and are no way near over her. The fact that she broke up with you a few weeks before you came to visit and suddenly there is another guy suggests to me that this may have been going on for longer than you are probably aware. She didn't want to deal with the guilt of having you there whilst knowing she was into someone else. I don't think it's a rebound I think she probably checked out of your relationship some time ago. At least that is what I think. Just because she didn't delete you or say you would be apart forever means nothing that is you grasping at straws. She broke up with you and is with someone else. You used no contact as an attempt to "win" her back but caved after a week under the pretense of your anniversary. It's not different than threads where people go "it's my ex's birthday should I contact them?" the answer is no and really is just you looking for a reason to stay connected to her even though you are not together anymore. You offered to add her back to the game not as a kind gesture but because you are afraid of her forgetting you and want to have some sort of connection to her life. If you were strong and in control you would of just gone no contact and left it at that. I know it's very hard I've been there myself however you are still been a puppy and giving her what she wants. You clearly are not ok with being friends and still have feelings for her or you wouldn't be obsessing like this. Which is security knowing you will be there even after she has broken your heart after most likely cheating on you. From information sources you know she is unhappy? Sorry to say 3rd party information is a load of crap unless she tells you this then you are just grasping onto false hope. You are hoping this new relationship will fail and she will come back running into your arms. The real question is would you want someone back who runs into the arms of others at the drop of a hat? Are you happy being number two? Don't you deserve better? For me the answer is yes you deserve better. It doesn't matter what her friends and mom say. Even if they think she has made a mistake they are not her. Of course they are going to be nice to you if they care about you. They will say whatever they can to make you feel better even if it is false hope. Basically this situation is not really complicated. Here it is in summary. You two broke up. She was most likely in this relationship with the other guy before you broke up. It's only complicated because you want her back. You need to heal and move on you deserve so much better and part of that is cutting off communication. Not to try and win her back like you used it for a week. It's for you to heal and nothing to do with her. It doesn't matter if she is angry about it you owe her nothing at this point. I wish you good luck but please look out for yourself now. None of her actions seem particularly weird at all she doesn't seem to hate you or anything but doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. So why would she throw you away if you are willing to hang around for scraps of attention? Your behavior is quite typical for dumpees who have yet to fully accept that the relationship is over. It's a defense mechanism your brain is hardwired to this person at the moment and will commit logical fallacies to try and convince you that everything is not what it seems. This takes time to get over. Edited July 31, 2013 by Carenth 1
Author Dancing Lights Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) Sorry to hear about your break up Dancing Lights. However it is quite clear you are still dealing with this breakup and are no way near over her. The fact that she broke up with you a few weeks before you came to visit and suddenly there is another guy suggests to me that this may have been going on for longer than you are probably aware. She didn't want to deal with the guilt of having you there whilst knowing she was into someone else. I don't think it's a rebound I think she probably checked out of your relationship some time ago. At least that is what I think. Just because she didn't delete you or say you would be apart forever means nothing that is you grasping at straws. She broke up with you and is with someone else. You used no contact as an attempt to "win" her back but caved after a week under the pretense of your anniversary. It's not different than threads where people go "it's my ex's birthday should I contact them?" the answer is no and really is just you looking for a reason to stay connected to her even though you are not together anymore. You offered to add her back to the game not as a kind gesture but because you are afraid of her forgetting you and want to have some sort of connection to her life. If you were strong and in control you would of just gone no contact and left it at that. I know it's very hard I've been there myself however you are still been a puppy and giving her what she wants. You clearly are not ok with being friends and still have feelings for her or you wouldn't be obsessing like this. Which is security knowing you will be there even after she has broken your heart after most likely cheating on you. From information sources you know she is unhappy? Sorry to say 3rd party information is a load of crap unless she tells you this then you are just grasping onto false hope. You are hoping this new relationship will fail and she will come back running into your arms. The real question is would you want someone back who runs into the arms of others at the drop of a hat? Are you happy being number two? Don't you deserve better? For me the answer is yes you deserve better. It doesn't matter what her friends and mom say. Even if they think she has made a mistake they are not her. Of course they are going to be nice to you if they care about you. They will say whatever they can to make you feel better even if it is false hope. Basically this situation is not really complicated. Here it is in summary. You two broke up. She was most likely in this relationship with the other guy before you broke up. It's only complicated because you want her back. You need to heal and move on you deserve so much better and part of that is cutting off communication. Not to try and win her back like you used it for a week. It's for you to heal and nothing to do with her. It doesn't matter if she is angry about it you owe her nothing at this point. I wish you good luck but please look out for yourself now. None of her actions seem particularly weird at all she doesn't seem to hate you or anything but doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. So why would she throw you away if you are willing to hang around for scraps of attention? Your behavior is quite typical for dumpees who have yet to fully accept that the relationship is over. It's a defense mechanism your brain is hardwired to this person at the moment and will commit logical fallacies to try and convince you that everything is not what it seems. This takes time to get over. Hello Carenth What you said is absolutely right even tho I would like to say some comments. No she didnt cheat on me or started this relationship way earlier, she did a mistake in a pass a guy kissed her when I was a douche with her for 2 weeks, not talk to her or when we talked I straight up told her just f.. off I was not myself, and someone was there. She came to me straight up and told me what happened, and she said so this is over? I forgave her and I felt how bad she felt no way she would ever put me or herself in to something like that. She is really honest and straight up, she couldnt deal with the guilt if she would do something like that, otherwise why would she call me and cry about there is an other guy being way to nice to her? The relationship happened after we broke up, and she saw an other guy so she wouldnt be alone. I am not over her and if I mentioned it on the post then sorry. I am not over her but I am moving on with my life, instead of being her puppy and trying to get to her again, I am just waiting and trying to deal with the feelings what came with this situation. I am not fully hoping for her to break up, because all what matters for me is her happiness, if she will be happy with him, I will move on. I know myself that much if I want to forget her forever, that would work but then she has 0 chance to come back to me no matter what. I am trying to avoid this and thats why i keep hope. Well I dont know the 3rd party sources, you might dont give a crap about them, I personally feel really close to some of them. Yeah at some point I try to grasping at straws, but a break up for me is ending forever, however she doesnt act like that, and this is what confuses me. Dont worry about me, this was my first broke up, and I am doing pretty fine till now. I am a negative person as my perspective on things, so I am already ready to face the reality. Well I contacted her because thats me, I didnt contact her to get her back, I am just a carrying person, might be rare nowadays, but thats me. I care for others more at some point than for myself. Just the thing is in the last 2 weeks, I made steps which made her feel, I am not there and she cant have me whenever she wants and she doesnt like it, she is sending me messages which i even can even see whats the points so well. We will see only time will tell, and ofc I will focus on myself Anyway thank you for your help and your straight up answer. Edited July 31, 2013 by Dancing Lights
Carenth Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 First breakup is always hard. Yes I believe you still care about her and such but you contacted her because you wanted to still be connected to her and still hope she has you on her mind. If you want her to actually believe you are not there for her then you just need to let go.... as long as you still contact her it will be a endless cycle of pain for you. Your happiness is important too and at this point as I said you owe her nothing. She doesn't need nor deserve you anymore. It's not about you caring you can care about someone but at the end of the day you need to care about yourself. She will continue trying to be your "friend" as long as you let her. Do not take this as a confusing sign, it's pretty simple if you allow it she will do it. And what I meant about 3rd party information is unless it is coming from your ex then it is all speculation and opinion thus not useful to you. All it will do is cause you to have false hope. I'm sure they mean no harm but it isn't exactly helpful. I am good friends with some of my exes friends still. I made it pretty clear though that I didn't want to talk about the breakup and just wanted to enjoy their company and they respected that. This is an ex who I cared about deeply but after she declared it over I tried to speak to her a few times but she was having none of it. So I respected her decision and went NC and we have never spoken since. I cared about her a lot however I have my own life to live I sometimes wonder how she is doing these days but in the end she is not part of my life anymore. If you are using these third sources just to get information on your ex then you need to stop that it will drive you insane. Yes I worry about you, you are the person here asking for advice not your ex.
Author Dancing Lights Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) Yeah oke. Well you might believe me or not, but I called her because I wanted to know how she is doing, it didnt have any back plan behind it. My reactions might show that I care for her and I am not over her which is I think normal after 4 weeks, but I am not begging or making any step anymore what shows her I want to be friends. After I added her back to my friendlist, I told her I want to do it because I wanted to play. She said she would be more than happy to play with me, but right now she needs to go to eat, and we might play in the night. She expected me to be there in the night, but I went to sleep. I have my own life and I owe her nothing. Right on the night when she came back, she saw I wasnt online so she sent a facebook message to me, and she is like she doesnt want me to misunderstood the situation and stuff like that and she is hoping other day we can play. I read it and I didnt answer because it was nothing to answer for. She came online next day and she was like I suppose you didnt read my facebook message. I said I did but I have nothing to react to it. She was like ohh oke. And then she realised I dont want to chit chat with her or I am not her friend. And she said this to me: Im sorry but I find it rude to log out without saying anything even if you dont want to chat with me I suppose it doesnt work the same way with you Im sorry I misunderstood some things and Im sorry but if you just want another player on your friend list just to have one more Im not going to be that person good luck with your games bye She got pissed and she got an other "slap" she had problem with me being too puppy and now I am showing her, she made the decision and I am respecting it so I am doing my things. But guess what? She still havent delete me from the game list. Also she said in front of her new boyfriend. She thinks we will be together in a few years but she doesnt want me to wait that much, its too much time. And she does wierd things in real life. I personally feel bad for the new guy, because even she comes back to me or she moves on that poor guy going to get hurt... Well things are complicated even what you said in the short story is right and I dont want to question it, thats why I came to listen opinions. But in sort story I will tell you what I think and you might tell me I am an idiot. I think she was in a really bad situation, she always had problem with distance and she got her limit, she left me and she thinks she can move on with the new guy. When we broke up she said things to me thats why i told you she believes this will work, she said it straight to me, but not now. She believes right now there is no way we can be together which I understand, but she thinks I am going to be the puppy who will wait for her in the future, if not then she tries to keep me on plan B and keep the friendship and stuff. She never kept any of her ex contact ever. So I am dealing with my life and my feelings, and waiting. Who knows waht future brings, I am not going to beg for her or do anything, I going to stay a nice person and the carrying person, but I am not going to do any step. If she wants me back she need to work for it, and the question what you made to me. If this all would happen (she comes back to me), then would I take her back? Well my answer is: her reactions and try and words and actions going to make me answer that question. I love her but I am not an idiot. Thats my opinion and life goes on. Edited July 31, 2013 by Dancing Lights
Sleepwalk Posted August 3, 2013 Posted August 3, 2013 She didn't keep contact with her exes maybe because they weren't begging their souls out and pulling on the threads too much.She could leave them because she felt no guilt,but you are being nice to her,at least from what you explain around here.You are being nice,and you are easily fed with the lie and hope that you will be together in a few years.You keep that as your main plan and wish,while on her list,it's not the one that occupies the top position.You need to focus on something else,you're not a floor mop.If time wants it that way,you will be together,but untill then,you need to stop talking to her,asking her how much time you guys got left untill things get back to the way they were before.You can do it,you can talk to alot of other girls,get your mind off her,give her space,give yourself space and freedom,and stop being so stuck up and narrow minded,dude.
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