Unsure... It's long

[UnsureHubby]

Well the wife signed the separation papers, we agreed to stay married for 2 years due to financial reasons... Not sure if I can do it that long.

 

She moved out today while I was at work, she told me the night before and we agreed on what she could take.

 

It's crazy after all she has said and done i still wish she would come home... I feel relieved but being here without the kids and wife around just feels weird. I spent about 2 hours at the gym and did some deep cleaning (moved fridge and stove) to keep myself busy and my mind occupied.

 

After work tomorrow I am picking up the girls until Sunday night... Even took Friday off so we can go and buy them new beds and have a game day. Told them I would grill some steaks Saturday and they told the wife... She texted asking if I minded if she came over for dinner. I didn't reply because I want to say yes just don't know if that would be a good idea.

[GorillaTheater]

I think for the time being you'd be well-served by showing her what life looks like without you.

 

She has essentially fired you, or at least demoted you to "friend". It's a demotion I'd walk away from.

[vla1120]

She texted asking if I minded if she came over for dinner. I didn't reply because I want to say yes just don't know if that would be a good idea.

 

Nope! Not a good idea, in my opinion! That is YOUR time with the kids. She wanted this, now she needs to reap what she has sown. Maybe she just wants to come over so she can sit in YOUR back yard and watch the neighbor! Man. Her audacity astounds me.

[UnsureHubby]

So I have done allot of soul searching and talking with the neighbor (yes the man my wife said she had a crush on) I told him the circumstances and he apologized... Seemed genuinely unaware of my wife's feelings towards him. He assured me he in no way would he, nor had he had any physical or (from his side) emotional involvement with my wife. we have been neighbors for 6+ years and we have always been friendly and helpful to each other.

 

I also had a long talk with my wife, she explained that she was using the neighbor as a way of emotionally detaching herself from me so she could move on. After this talk I realized that I was as much at fault as her in this... I have always had trust issues, not being the most fit or attractive man I always felt threatened by my wife's friendships with other men...

 

I am going to work on my trust issues and she is going to work on what ever it is she is she needs to. We agreed we are a married couple living in separate houses for now and we are to respect the fact that we are married.. no dating etc.

 

My question now is what can I do besides just be the best man and father I can to try and get me wife to come home??

 

Thursday is our 16th anniversary and I asked her to come over for an hour after work for a drink or just to hang out for a few... I don't plan on talking about us at all during this time and I'm not sure if she will even come over.

 

Starting this week we are having Sunday family dinners and in a week or 2 we will start seeing a MC (I think)

 

This has been such a confusing time for me, it really came out of nowhere and has hit me like a ton of bricks... I would have never guessed that I was pushing my wife away and ruining our relationship with my own insecurities.

[Misadventure]

I am new here too and not really anyone to give advice but...If you both are considering staying married for more than just financial reasons..maybe get counseling..one for yourself..and one together.

 

You can't do this alone without a marriage counselor based on everything that was said. JMO

[UnsureHubby]

We talked at lunch today, I apologized for the trust issue and let her know I have let the past to and would like to see a MC... She said she's not ready yet and she is still angry.

 

I thanked her for accepting my apology and let the MC idea go... She has her dad and some friends filling her head with bs telling her she deserves better and I'm an ass etc.. I know there is nothing I can do about that and I have to wait it out.

 

I'll be honest I don't know how long I can wait and hope... Should I tell her this? Or should I just move on as if this was permanent?

[UnsureHubby]

I should add that I'm still not 100% ok with the neighbor thing... Seeing that she choose hanging out with him over our marriage and family makes no sense if their is nothing going on.

 

Maybe she is truly unhappy... Maybe she really has no feelings for me anymore..

 

It feels a little odd pouring this all out in the forums

[Philosoraptor]

Well right now you have to do what is best for you and your children. If you believe this can, and want it to, be saved, then you need to be patient and pursue MC. If you don't believe you will be able to get past what happened you'd be best to cut ties and start your individual healing asap.

[RightThere]

It feels a little odd pouring this all out in the forums

 

It is very odd, but liberating at the same time. I find having an outlet like this lets me actually re-read my thoughts and sometimes give me a different perspective on things.

[UnsureHubby]

So she finally decided to tell me why she left.. I'm just going to paste the text..

 

Your right. There is someone else in my heart... Me. I'm not searching for something greener. I am looking for my happiness again. Yes at one time it was with you. But it hasn't been in a long time. And I'm tired of lying to myself that its there. For too long I have been thinking it will come back Maybe it will I don't know. But nothing you have done lately shows me that it will. It just makes me angry. I don't want to be angry or sad anymore. It's not good for the girls. It's not good for me. It's not good for you.

 

I feel a bit of relief and have started hanging out with the neighbor again.

 

I'm not sure there is hope but I figure I will be my old happy self and not the depressed man I became over the last 6-7 years.

[pteromom]

Did you ever see the attorney or did you guys just make an informal agreement?

 

Because you need everything "official" in order to protect yourself.

 

As far as hanging out together for dinner, etc, that would be wonderful for your children if you can do that eventually.

 

But right now, you need to distance yourself from her. She needs to see what it is like to stand on her own without having you as an emotional support.

 

Your #1 priority needs to be protecting your financial and custody interests.

[UnsureHubby]

Did you ever see the attorney or did you guys just make an informal agreement?

 

Because you need everything "official" in order to protect yourself.

 

As far as hanging out together for dinner, etc, that would be wonderful for your children if you can do that eventually.

 

But right now, you need to distance yourself from her. She needs to see what it is like to stand on her own without having you as an emotional support.

 

Your #1 priority needs to be protecting your financial and custody interests.

Yes I saw an attorney, we wrote up a separation agreement both signed it and had it notarized. He said if it gets ugly it won't hold up in court... But in the event that we stay cordial we can present it when/if we file for divorce.

 

Unfortunately due to financial issues from a few years ago if we get divorced there is a good chance I will have to forfeit my house and we will both be in bad financial shape.

 

The Sunday family dinner thing was our daughters idea, I am fine with it.. I am also giving her $500 every 2 weeks. Beyond that she has voluntarily removed herself from all of my accounts.

 

I have a hard time not being here for her if she needs something, but if it is the only thing that will make things better I guess that's what I need to do.

[UnsureHubby]

Well it's been a few weeks and things are going good with me and the kids...

 

Last week the neighbor came over and talked with me, said he felt really bad for holding back information. He told me my wife came over a few weeks back and told him she had feeling for him and said she was not going to get back together with me. Basically out it all on the table. He claims he said that it was not cool and he would be no part of it... Since him and I talked last he has stayed away from her.

The wife denies that it happened, this made me a bit pissed since this guy really has no reason to lie about that. I said then he is a lying sob and I was glad she could see him for what he really is. She said I was wrong about him and I must have misunderstood what he said.

 

Either way he doesn't go over to her place anymore and keeps his distance when she is over.

 

I'm really confused since someone is lying... I want to work things out but I can't stay with someone who is goin g to lie to me. As much as I want to believe her, her actions support what the neighbor said.

[vla1120]

Well it's been a few weeks and things are going good with me and the kids...

 

Last week the neighbor came over and talked with me, said he felt really bad for holding back information. He told me my wife came over a few weeks back and told him she had feeling for him and said she was not going to get back together with me. Basically out it all on the table. He claims he said that it was not cool and he would be no part of it... Since him and I talked last he has stayed away from her.

The wife denies that it happened, this made me a bit pissed since this guy really has no reason to lie about that. I said then he is a lying sob and I was glad she could see him for what he really is. She said I was wrong about him and I must have misunderstood what he said.

 

Either way he doesn't go over to her place anymore and keeps his distance when she is over.

 

I'm really confused since someone is lying... I want to work things out but I can't stay with someone who is goin g to lie to me. As much as I want to believe her, her actions support what the neighbor said.

 

This is a slippery slope, and I know from experience. After my husband had an affair with my best friend, who was also our neighbor, she did almost the same thing as your neighbor. You are right, your neighbor has less reason to lie than your wife. What I now realize is that my friend/neighbor was trying to stay close to me, not because she felt remorse, but because she wanted to know how much I knew and what I was feeling. I was going by the whole "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer" mentality. Now I realize it was self-destructive. I wish I had cut her out of my life right then and there. I know, I'm jaded. Just be careful.

[UnsureHubby]

I haven't talked to him since that day,mfigured it was for the best.

 

Tonight seems that my suspicions are right.. Wife came over and hung out for a few..mph one rang and she sent it to voicemail right away. A few minutes later she said she was tired and was going home.

 

I just had the kids video chat with her and I noticed her hair is done and markup is on... She told the girls she wasn't feeling good and was getting ready for bed. I hear a loud truck pull up (also heard the same one pull away just before the call) and she glances to the side and hangs up... Accidentally of course. Calls back with out video and says goodnight and rushes the kids off the phone.

 

It's such a shame, as much as I hope it is a friendship and that's all, things just seem to be so obvious..

 

Who goes home does their hair and puts on makeup to goto bed... I will bet money tomorrow there will be a post on Facebook on how tired she is.

 

It kills me to think this is really going on, she says she left me because I don't give her the trust she deserves. Right now I think it's good that she left because she doesn't respect me.

 

Sometimes I think a spade is a spade.. But at the same time I feel like if your looking for a spade your bound to find one.

[vla1120]

Sometimes I think a spade is a spade.. But at the same time I feel like if your looking for a spade your bound to find one.

 

Sometimes, you're walking along innocently, accidentally step on a spade, and the handle flies up and hits you in the face - hard. After that, you keep an eye out for the spades. (Or is that a rake?)

 

Either way, you're right. It sounds like your eyes are wide open, now. I'm still sorry you're having to go through this.

[UnsureHubby]

What a day, Wife comes over and says she wants to talk about us.. Seriously...

 

We chatted for a few and she basically told me that it i over, no going back, she is lonely but that she is fine and will deal with it. Told me to stop worrying about us and just move on with my life.

 

How odd that I was planning on telling her that I was done. The neighbor came over last night around 12:30am and said he just got back from my wife's and wanted to talk to me. Told me he has never slept with my wife.

 

Also repeated the same thing he told me a while back. She came over and put it all on the table about her feelings and wanting to leave me. Still says he told her no, just friends. Told me she asked him to come over and watch a movie, which really pissed me off because she cancelled on me and the kids for movie night. Said she wasn't feeling good and wanted to goto bed early.

 

Anyway, I guess it is time to move on.. Thinking about going to the local animal shelter and adopting a dog as a start True unconditional love just like my little girls give me.

 

Beyond that I don't know what to do. My STBX was my first real relationship, before her 6 months was a long time... But then again it was high school. I'll be 35 in a few months and know I am not getting any younger so I figure the sooner I get out and start meeting people the better.

 

Any ideas on where to start?? I don't want to do the bar scene.. just not my style. A few friends said I should join a dating site for single parents.. but that just feels odd.

[WantAMajorChange]

Anyway, I guess it is time to move on.. Thinking about going to the local animal shelter and adopting a dog as a start True unconditional love just like my little girls give me.

Great idea. My dog helps me get thru a lot of rough times.

Beyond that I don't know what to do. My STBX was my first real relationship, before her 6 months was a long time... But then again it was high school. I'll be 35 in a few months and know I am not getting any younger so I figure the sooner I get out and start meeting people the better.

 

Any ideas on where to start?? I don't want to do the bar scene.. just not my style. A few friends said I should join a dating site for single parents.. but that just feels odd.

Is it a bit too early? I understand the need to feel appreciated but you can accomplish that without getting into the dating scene. Volunteering is a good way to meet people. People our age having kids isnt uncommon. You may find someone else who already have children of their own.

[UnsureHubby]

Is it a bit too early? I understand the need to feel appreciated but you can accomplish that without getting into the dating scene. Volunteering is a good way to meet people. People our age having kids isnt uncommon. You may find someone else who already have children of their own.

 

I have looked at volunteering, I figured that would be a great way to meet people.

 

I should add I was not looking at dating, I am not ready and I wouldn't want to subject my girls to that just yet. I have friends that think it would be the best thing for me since I have really just had a roommate for about 10 years now.

[WantAMajorChange]

I have looked at volunteering, I figured that would be a great way to meet people.

Its a great way to meet people and feel great about yourself doing something great.

 

I should add I was not looking at dating, I am not ready and I wouldn't want to subject my girls to that just yet. I have friends that think it would be the best thing for me since I have really just had a roommate for about 10 years now.

Oh ok. I just imagine the most embarrassing thing you can experience is having a date and doing nothing but complaining about your SBTX and then her rejecting you. If you want to meet people but arent interested in starting something you can always volunteer to be a wing man. Nobody turns down the opportunity to have a good wing man.

[vla1120]

For crying out loud, don't say you're not getting any younger! What hope does that give to a 52-yr-old like me! Lol.

 

Definitely the volunteer thing. When my girls were young, I looked for volunteer opportunities we could do together to help them learn social responsibility from a young age. I met some good, long-lasting friends that way.

 

And yes, a dog would be great - someone to greet you at the door everytime you come home with nothing but pure admiration!

 

And tell your neighbor to stay off your damn property. He's not going to her house to play tiddly winks!! He's doing what my neighbor did afterwards. He's coming to your place to ease his conscience. Kindly tell him to pack sand. You're over it! (Umm. Those are just mild suggestions based on my experience.)

[oldshirt]

 

 

The neighbor came over last night around 12:30am and said he just got back from my wife's and wanted to talk to me. Told me he has never slept with my wife.

 

Also repeated the same thing he told me a while back. She came over and put it all on the table about her feelings and wanting to leave me. Still says he told her no, just friends. Told me she asked him to come over and watch a movie, which really pissed me off because she cancelled on me and the kids for movie night. Said she wasn't feeling good and wanted to goto bed early.

 

 

 

This guy is NOT your friend. Kick his @$$ and cut him completely from your life.

 

Think about this real hard - how do men treat women that they have absolutely zero interest in fu(k!ng? .......answer = they don't have anything to do with them. They are invisible. They do not go over to their houses in the middle of the night after a phone cal. They do not go over to their STBX's house and talk to them.

 

This guy is either pounding her or hopes to be pounder her in the very near future and she is obviously rolling out the red carpet.

 

If he tries to have any kind of contact with you again get in his face and tell him you aren't stupid and that you know exactly what he has done/is doing and that you don't want to hide nor hair of him ever again.

 

He may be d!ck!ng your wife but he can have the cheating bitch but get right nose to nose with him and tell him if he ever does anything to your kids that they will never find his body.

[oldshirt]

My STBX was my first real relationship, before her 6 months was a long time... But then again it was high school. I'll be 35 in a few months and know I am not getting any younger so I figure the sooner I get out and start meeting people the better.

 

Any ideas on where to start?? I don't want to do the bar scene.. just not my style. A few friends said I should join a dating site for single parents.. but that just feels odd.

 

In all honesty, the best years of your life are ahead of you. But at this exact moment you are on a stretch of bad road that is going to get rough and bumpy. concentrate more of getting your bearings back and getting back on the highway.

 

This isn't over yet and you aren't out of the woods. This is going to get worse before it gets better.

 

One of two things is going to happen in the immediate future. One is that she is going to flinch on this whole single life thing. Very good chance your neighbor is going to pump her and dump her a few more times then get tired of her and after awhile she is going to come limping back with his junk dripping out of her and she is going to start talking about reconciliation.

 

The other possibility (probability actually and your lawyer has already warned you of this one) is she will continue to move forward with the D but once her immediate fun with the neighbor has worn off and she isn't so amicable, the fangs and claws are going to come out and she is going to go for blood.

 

Your immediate issue right now is to protect yourself, protect your assets and resources and protect your relationship with your children. She is going to come after all of those things and the more you have those secured, the better off you will be when it is time to get back out on the dating market.

[UnsureHubby]

How funny, I saw him when I got home tonight.. I got in his face and told him I don't care what he does with my STBX but he is not to be around my kids.

 

I was debating on telling the sTBX the same thing.. Just not sure if that wouldmgomover well.

 

She can't file, there are some financial issues and if we divorce she will have to file bankruptcy. I'm not filling due to this, I will be fine it's just her that will have issues.

 

I did find that when I file I can save a ton of $$ based on my lawyers input I would only be paying $600/mo since I have 75% custody

[oldshirt]

 

.. I got in his face and told him I don't care what he does with my STBX but he is not to be around my kids.

 

 

Felt good didn't it