Nik Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Hey everyone, So my girlfriend and I have been together for a year now, and for the most part everything is great, and we love each other. It is a long distance relationshp, and since the first day we met in person(after 4 months of communication) we had sex. Since then I've learned that she baicaly has had no female friends, only guys, whom she also had sex with. She also had an abortion due to continued lack of contraception. A few months ago she showed genital warts. Of course this could be a result of my or her behavior( I have had intecourse with 1 other girl, but oral sex from numerous others). Since then, I've realized that, to me, causal sex is not ok because the emotional and physical risks are not worth it. My actions have caused stress in our realtinoship and in genera, such behavior affects me and any one I have a physical and/or loving relationship with after. She has chosen not to take this point of view and does not feel that causal sex caused problems. She feels that her dysfunctional ability to make frienships is the problem. This angers me because I feel like she han't learned from her experience, and doesn't care about her past actions effect on our current realtionship. She also thinks that her abortion was the right thing to do. I feel that abortion kills life. Now, I have respect for anyone opinion, but at this point I would like to have a more serious(marriage?) realtionship with her, but the issue of causal sex and abortion are two fundamental issues that concern a persons character and dealing with future children. Can a relatinoship work when such important issues differ? How do other people deal with these kind of problems? I'm not sure if I'm being shallow, or mature....is there a way to work this out? it seems like a briock wall of differences in fundamental beleifs.....any help appreicated. -Nick
Pocky Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 The abortion really isn't any of your business, to be honest. It was before you and she met and not something you need to concern yourself with. She doesn't have to answer to you regarding an abortion she had in her past. However, should she get pregnant with your child would she want to have an abortion? In that case, you do need to consider this difference, especially if you are having unprotected sex with her. As far as the casual sex - do you mean that you have an open relationship, but you've decided not to have casual sex with others and she wants to continue having casual sex with others or are you just debating this topic with her in general? If you're in a monogamous relationship together what difference does it make that you two have different opinions of casual sex? Unless you have an open relationship you're not having casual sex so it doesn't really matter does it? It'd be like my husband and I arguing about whether or not we'd put our child in public or private school, even though we're not ever having children.
Nik Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 Actually, I do think it is my business. Deciding that abortion is OK, is a choice in ethics and morality. The fact that she believes it was teh right decision refletcs on her character. It is obviously not my busniess to argue the validity of her actions, but I can take issue with a difference in the correctness of abortion. In addition, we have considered long term commitment such as marriage....in such a relationship I would like to consider having children. I would not want to have someone raising my kids who teaches that causal sex and abortions are ok. We are in a mongomous relationship, but in my opinion, when you decide to take it to the level of perminent commitment(As I believe marriage is, otherwise whats the point?), it is important to look at your partner's view on moral issues such as sex and abortion. These issues reflect a general mindset that is condusive of teaching children what is right and wrong. Thus, again, I'm asking how other couples considering marriage reconcile moral differences which affect more than themselves. -Nik
dyermaker Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 You're not going to convince her abortion is wrong. Sadly, the women's movement chose abortion to be their rallying cry, so now women (and men) are often hoodwinked into pro-choice stances simply because they fear being anti-women. For many women, their identity as a female is wrapped in their right to choose. I don't think it's very 'reconciliatory' of you to be making character judgements about her regardless. I still wonder why you didn't answer Pocky's question about whether you're on the same page.
Pocky Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 The fact that she believes it was teh right decision refletcs on her character. The disdain in your words when you talk about her opinions on these issues gives an impression that you don't respect her or see her as your equal. You appear to be taking the moral high ground with her and are trying to find a way to make her "see your point" so you don't have to be tired by such debate - especially since naturally you're right and she's wrong. Does any parent actually teach their children that casual sex is acceptable? I You shouldn't marry someone you can't respect.
Nik Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 I'm not trying to argue any moral high ground, I'm simply stating that if you give someone HPV, mess with a few guys heads because all you wanted was sex from them, give your b/f greif during the relationship because your stil trying to hang out with these guys who still want you for themselves, and then tell your boyfriend that the benefit of making yourelf feel good from the casual sex was worth all of the negative outcomes in your current realtionship.....this wouldn't frsutrate you? I totally respect her equally, I just feel that she isn't learning from her mistakes(not assuming abortion was a mistake, only taking issue with her reaffirming its rightness). IF it was the other way around, and I was still trying to hang out with some of my f-buddies, gave her HPV and spoke explicitly about how I mesed with their heads cause all I wanted was sex, thus cauing her grief, would I be in the wrong to say it was all worth it because it was fun? Again, I am not tyring to win the argument, I'm just hoping that she will look at the facts and learn from them. Bcause I love her, I'm willing to look past our differences in beleifs, aside form the fact that she feels her actions were justified and I feel mine were not, as the stress these actions caused in our current realtionship are not worth it. So, once more......can I have adivce on how couples with differing belie systems reconcile these differences, please....I reallly need some help, not criticism here. -Nik
dizi Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 You said so yourself, the warts could've come from anywhere. It sucks, but you're still with her regardless, so that shouldn't even be an issue now. However, I don't think it's right for her to try to hang out with guys that she used to be with, ESPECIALLY if it was purely for sex. I don't think it's right to hang out alone with any guy if you are with someone, but that's what my fiance and I decided was right for us... "...and then tell your boyfriend that the benefit of making yourelf feel good from the casual sex was worth all of the negative outcomes in your current realtionship.....this wouldn't frsutrate you?" So, she literally says to you that having sex with these guys was worth it, even though "someone"-could even be you- got warts. It makes her feel like a wholesome person when she looks back, huh? What are the other negative outcomes in your relationship that resulted from her sexual past? You've been in a monogamous relationship for a year, or has she cheated on you? Does she just come right out and talk about her past or do you press her into telling you about it? Are you afraid she'll cheat on you because of her past actions? Now as for your last question...sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Of course. You stated that you're concerned about what she might teach your children...do you really think that she'll teach them to be promiscuous? Is she really, really trying to justify all that she's done? You can agree that your children will be taught alternatives to abortion. There is ALWAYS adoption and of course, abstinence...If she doesn't agree with that, you might have a problem...Do you think she'll tell her kid that there are no other options but abortion? Make sure that you discuss everything before you get engaged. My fiance used to have a very messed up religious view. He and I used to discuss it for hours. Then one day I showed him something that made him decide to look into it a little further. Well, a lot. He realized that he was TOTALLY wrong, and has changed his views completely. It took 2 years for me to get through, tho, because I didn't want to push him too hard. He believed in a cultist belief who's leaders told you NOT to look into anything that tried to dispute the religion, (that's part of the definition of a cult) and it was hard to break away. Point is-it could take time. But it was so worth it! She may or may not see things your way now, but have patience. She may also have a lot of growing up to do...Show her some stuff from the internet or something to explain why it is you feel so strongly against it. Might open her eyes a bit, or it might not. You say that her past has put stress on your current relationship-is it because you dwell on it so much? Can you let the past be the past and concentrate on what you DO have??
Orchid Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 Nik, love does not conquer all... it's a myth, and it's up there with myths like the perfect partner will fulfill you in every single way. It takes love, communication, commitment and compatability to make something like marriage work in the long run. These days, couples who start off sharing lots of common values and beliefs (compatability) don't often make it.... the chances of two people being toegher 30 years from now that start off lacking compatability in values and beliefs isn't that great. Frankly, your value/moral differences seem huge. Why would you want to be in a relationship/marry someone who's immature enough to have repeated unprotected casual sex in the first place (in this day and age), leading to abortion, possibly contracts and passes on an STD, etc and who ultimately thinks all this is OK in the name of fun?. The girl is either majorly in denial or actually believes her behaviour is cool which means this is who she is. You sound like a smart guy, and it's admirable that you're wondering how it is that you can reconcile these differences, but being willing to overlook flaws like this in ones character in the name of love isn't smart at all. Try to be totally objective for a minute.... if a friend of yours came to you and told you this story, what would you advice him to do?.
bluechocolate Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 Many partners, parents & grandparents come from different backgrounds and manage to have successful relationships & loving families. My parents were born & raised in different countries with different cultures - my father is from a large Catholic family where men were men & ruled silently & my mother was a teen rebel who left home at 16 & has always been independent. I've no doubt that their differences caused friction in their relationship, I lived through it !!, but they've been married for over 40 years & by all accounts still very much in love. I could come up with more examples for you, just wanted to say that it can happen. If you really love this woman you would be able to look into your heart & accept what's happened in her past without fear or judgement. What would be important to you now is the person you're with in the present & how you would like to spend a future together with them. People can and do change, even ourselves - love can do this to us. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker - so think carefully & don't carry her past into your future - let her go or decide if you love her enough to really be able to forget about it.
Recommended Posts