irc333 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I often wonder, with so many single women emphasizing there "Must" be chemistry....when there IS chemistry between the both people....why do sometimes...one of them flake and go off the radar? Like you meet someone, you really hit it off really well on the date...you talk for hours, the energy between the two of you is great, sparks are flyin' blah blah blah....and then boom...you get no 2nd date. That's why I kind of poo-poo the idea of "chemistry" because it's just *art in the wind sometimes, lol. Like a kid with a new toy, they get bored with it and move on...that's what I equate chemistry to....agreed? That's why some prefer starting off as friends...but then there's that whole "Friend zone" concern (and that's a diff. topic altogether) With THAT all said, So what do you think...chemistry...bullcrap or not?
MrCastle Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I believe chemistry is real. Are you talking about dates that started from meeting someone online? Or dates in general? You run into a lot of awkward people online that don't know how to properly maintain chemistry or escalate. Being romantically awkward is a real thing. There's social awkwardness, romantic awkwardness, etc. Some people are just emotionally/romantically broken and there's nothing you can do to fix them. They just don't get it. 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Ah....topic after my own heart.... New relationship chemistry is the tingles and zips you get of attraction. Its a biological response that helps ensure the species...and makes us want to procreate. AND it is fleeting and temporary. (This is hard for some people to accept) but hopefully the resulting relationship has some kind of foundation to build. Sometimes not. Attraction is not a basis gauge for commitment or longevity. (I would love to see a study on that) People do indeed develop attraction over time, and not just instantly. But for someone who believes that they must have the spark...they will not attempt to see it it is a slow burn. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Meh. The online dating community at large seems to have what I call a candy store mentality - there are so many different treats from which to choose that they don't want to settle on just one. They may have enjoyed your company on Wednesday night, but the guy on Thursday night might have charmed them even more and that's why they 'flake' without warning. Quite honestly, if I'd taken every single offer I'd received when I was doing online dating, I would have never been home. Women have tons and tons of options on OLD and sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming. I can have a date every day of the week and I will feel ZERO chemistry on 99.9% of them. So when there is a guy that I feel "it" with, all the other dates become irrelevant. Most of these men get nexted because I prefer nobody to them. I don't even remember the last time I nexted someone because I had a better option. So yeah, no generalizing. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I often wonder, with so many single women emphasizing there "Must" be chemistry....when there IS chemistry between the both people....why do sometimes...one of them flake and go off the radar? Like you meet someone, you really hit it off really well on the date...you talk for hours, the energy between the two of you is great, sparks are flyin' blah blah blah....and then boom...you get no 2nd date. That's why I kind of poo-poo the idea of "chemistry" because it's just *art in the wind sometimes, lol. Like a kid with a new toy, they get bored with it and move on...that's what I equate chemistry to....agreed? That's why some prefer starting off as friends...but then there's that whole "Friend zone" concern (and that's a diff. topic altogether) With THAT all said, So what do you think...chemistry...bullcrap or not? I have had great dates where the conversation flowed, we laughed, bantered, did the works and there was no second date. Why? Because there just wasn't. Either I didn't see any long term potential, they didn't see it. Just because a date goes great doesn't guarantee a second one. Even guys who I had great chemistry with things didn't always work out. Chemistry alone doesn't always equate relationship. It isn't bull, it is real, but it isn't the ONLY thing that matters... it is just an important thing. 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Ah....topic after my own heart.... New relationship chemistry is the tingles and zips you get of attraction. Its a biological response that helps ensure the species...and makes us want to procreate. AND it is fleeting and temporary. (This is hard for some people to accept) but hopefully the resulting relationship has some kind of foundation to build. Sometimes not. Attraction is not a basis gauge for commitment or longevity. (I would love to see a study on that) People do indeed develop attraction over time, and not just instantly. But for someone who believes that they must have the spark...they will not attempt to see it it is a slow burn. Chemistry doesn't fade. Even with my ex husband who I was with, it wasn't the chemistry that went away, it was all the other bull **** that showed up. 2
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Chemistry doesn't fade. Even with my ex husband who I was with, it wasn't the chemistry that went away, it was all the other bull **** that showed up. Ah then you are defining it differently. The first spark does go away...nobody can physically or mentally sustain the higher RPM of that indefinitely. Being interested and attracted doesnt have to but also is not dependent on the buzz or high of that first zip.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Ah then you are defining it differently. The first spark does go away...nobody can physically or mentally sustain the higher RPM of that indefinitely. Being interested and attracted doesnt have to but also is not dependent on the buzz or high of that first zip. I can't see how you can be attracted without that first zip? Let's be clear: when women tell you that there is no chemistry, spark, whatever you call it: it simply means that they are not sexually attracted to you. 3
grkBoy Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I've had plenty of dates where the convo was great, she seemed engaged, things went well... ...then when I'm trying for a second she either flakes or friendzones me. Great convo, energy, etc...doesn't physically show if there is chemistry or not. Unfortunately, it's in the person and hidden. She might think you're interesting, funny, witty, etc...but she's not feeling her panties get wet and her stomach quaking in excitement, then she's not feeling said "chemistry", and you're pretty much now going through motions not knowing she really has no intention of ever giving you a shot. Life isn't meant to be fair. Nothing you can do about it but move on. If she wants to complain later that she can't meet any "decent guys" then it's on her, not you. "Looks good on paper" is no longer a valid rationale in the minds of people to pick a mate. Believe me, I know this from experience. 4
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I can't see how you can be attracted without that first zip? Let's be clear: when women tell you that there is no chemistry, spark, whatever you call it: it simply means that they are not sexually attracted to you. Oh but you can...it sneaks up on you rather than smacking you in the face. I agree that the message is that they are not attracted.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Oh but you can...it sneaks up on you rather than smacking you in the face. I agree that the message is that they are not attracted. It can happen if you are around that person in a non-romantic context (work, school, social group). But if you go on an OLD date, there is too much pressure for things to be romantic right away. You are essentially dating from the get go. Even if you are not having sex, doing the romantic things (i.e. holding hands) with someone you are not attracted to just feels really wrong
KatZee Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I often wonder, with so many single women emphasizing there "Must" be chemistry....when there IS chemistry between the both people....why do sometimes...one of them flake and go off the radar? Like you meet someone, you really hit it off really well on the date...you talk for hours, the energy between the two of you is great, sparks are flyin' blah blah blah....and then boom...you get no 2nd date. That's why I kind of poo-poo the idea of "chemistry" because it's just *art in the wind sometimes, lol. Like a kid with a new toy, they get bored with it and move on...that's what I equate chemistry to....agreed? That's why some prefer starting off as friends...but then there's that whole "Friend zone" concern (and that's a diff. topic altogether) With THAT all said, So what do you think...chemistry...bullcrap or not? Chemistry is most definitely real. Unfortunately true chemistry, that "spark" that "feeling" that "tingle" is pretty rare. Out of my 29 years I've only felt that chemistry with THREE PEOPLE. Sure, I've had relationships with people I didn't feel that for, and you know what, those relationships were garbage. I wasn't fully happy, I realized I was settling, and they were relationships that wound up feeling forced from my end, and those relationships never lead to love from my end. Realizing this, I'm now extremely picky with who I date and who I will be with. I've gone out on dates with guys, where we spent hours together, talked, had a good time and those guys always wanted date two. But from MY END, I did not feel what I needed to feel to take it to the next date, or to take it further. I'm more than capable of having a good night with someone. Just because YOU felt sparks flying, doesn't mean the girl you were with felt those same sparks. When there are legit sparks, it's very hard to let go of and forget. Sparks are not like "farts in the wind." Once I feel those sparks, it's real hard for me to move on from that, it becomes almost like an addiction. Sparks for me are really rare, and I don't really connect with people like that. So when it happens... you will know. 2
iris219 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Chemistry is real. Sometimes we meet people we just click with and we can't explain why. It goes beyond being able to have good, comfortable conversation with someone. Some people are able to do this with anyone and we all have that with our good friends. Chemistry also goes beyond mere sexual attraction, although I think a lot people mistakenly confuse lust with chemistry. You can have sexual attraction without chemistry though. My bf and I had chemistry from the beginning, even though we are both a little quiet and shy around people we don't know well. There was just something there in the air between us that was pulling us together. Chemistry is a more of an emotional connection for me. Chemistry is a need for someone; it causes you to want to be in their presence, even if you aren't talking or having sex. It makes you think someone is different from anyone else and for me it's a necessary precursor to falling in love. It's so, so important, yet rare. There are people who settle for people they get along with, but don't feel chemistry with and realize later this was a mistake, so I think it's good when people recognize the lack of chemistry and move on. 1
Imported Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I believe chemistry is real. Same here. And I think it can be artificia.....purposely reproduced and done at will. Spark? What is that and how to make it happen. You ever have a fling with a girl and you weren't trying and didn't really know what you were doing, but everything you did, especially the mistakes just endeared you more and was the exact right move? OP, if the girl wasn't interested in seeing you farhter, the perception of chemistry was all one-sided and the girl was just making the best of an evening.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Chemistry is most definitely real. Unfortunately true chemistry, that "spark" that "feeling" that "tingle" is pretty rare. Out of my 29 years I've only felt that chemistry with THREE PEOPLE. Sure, I've had relationships with people I didn't feel that for, and you know what, those relationships were garbage. I wasn't fully happy, I realized I was settling, and they were relationships that wound up feeling forced from my end, and those relationships never lead to love from my end. Ah, thanks for posting this, I thought it was just me. I also felt that chemistry only a few times. I tried to have relationships based on logic and practicality without the spark (we get along well, we have things in common) and they made me pretty unhappy. I don't even get why guys on this board want women to give them a shot without feeling the spark. It's only going to lead to a nightmarish experience for you and surefire way to have your heart broken. She is doing you a favor when she rejects you with "no chemistry"! 3
KatZee Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Ah, thanks for posting this, I thought it was just me. I also felt that chemistry only a few times. I tried to have relationships based on logic and practicality without the spark (we get along well, we have things in common) and they made me pretty unhappy. I don't even get why guys on this board want women to give them a shot without feeling the spark. It's only going to lead to a nightmarish experience for you and surefire way to have your heart broken. She is doing you a favor when she rejects you with "no chemistry"! Exactly. A relationship that starts with no chemistry, no spark, is just doomed from day one. I think this is why people wind up in crap relationships, it's why divorce rate is so high... instead of people waiting for that chemistry, they get impatient, and they date, and marry based on "practicality." - "Oh he can provide for me." - "Oh he loves me more than I do him, so it'll be a good relationship for me." - "Oh if we stay together longer the chemistry will grow." Blah blah blah... all mistakes. People need to take their time, get to know someone, feel to see if that spark is there. If not, move on. Don't do someone else a favor by being with them because they're into you, a one sided relationship is the worst thing to be in and will lead to some sort of infidelity. 2
iris219 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Ah, thanks for posting this, I thought it was just me. I also felt that chemistry only a few times. I tried to have relationships based on logic and practicality without the spark (we get along well, we have things in common) and they made me pretty unhappy. I don't even get why guys on this board want women to give them a shot without feeling the spark. It's only going to lead to a nightmarish experience for you and surefire way to have your heart broken. She is doing you a favor when she rejects you with "no chemistry"! I think some people can do this, but for those who can't, a relationship without chemistry will make you miserable. Don't do it! It will destroy your soul. I don't have the emotional energy required to be a good partner to a man I don't feel chemistry with, so we will eventually both be miserable. I've only felt chemistry a few times as well. 3
Imported Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." - The Matrix Ok, this really bugs me. "The Matrix" didn't say this. Morpheus did. 3
carhill Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 With THAT all said, So what do you think...chemistry...bullcrap or not? IMO, chemistry of the type which impels a 'relationship' is of the sticky, persistent type. It's entirely possible and plausible that two people enjoy each other in the moment but there is no lingering 'stuff' which impels one or both to grow that interaction into a relationship. I used to have this problem all the time because I was projecting present 'chemistry' into a 'future'. Bzzt, wrong thought process. Each moment is discrete, without guarantees or inevitable probabilities. Live in the now. Enjoy the now. If each now becomes a lifetime of nows, it does. If not, not.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Ok, this really bugs me. "The Matrix" didn't say this. Morpheus did. True, but I first heard it while watching the Matrix 3
wildtrac77 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) It can happen if you are around that person in a non-romantic context (work, school, social group). But if you go on an OLD date, there is too much pressure for things to be romantic right away. You are essentially dating from the get go. Even if you are not having sex, doing the romantic things (i.e. holding hands) with someone you are not attracted to just feels really wrong Hell you aren't the girl I meet online and posted a thread about a few weeks back are you lol ??? as she said exactly the same words to me!! I believe in chemistry but people expect it from the word go ( esp with OLD ) but this very very rarely happens in real life when two people meet for the first time!! most relships that start thru meeting at work/shared hobby etc there more than likely wasn't any chemistry when the two people first meet but grew over time until one day that spark ignitied but with OLD if people don't get that spark as soon as you walk in the door you have had it and they are off looking for the next person as soon as they get home! Like the girl I posted about she wants to be friends ( and keeps txting me/calling etc ) and see what happens ( if we had meet thru work etc this is how it would have started but due to the fact we have loads and loads in common/ get on really well/ looking for the same things etc etc im pretty sure we would have ended up dating ) but as we meet online its one really hard road to drive when you like someone but have to start off as friends.. Too much is made of this chemistry malarkey which by some people's comments on here they are writing off really good guys and are very picky then wonder 5 years down the line why they cant get a decent guy!! you cant make it up!! Real lasting chemistry builds over time, easy come chemistry is just that... easy come easy go which explains why so many women say they have experienced it with a guy/ guys and hence wont settle for any less but cant see the irony in what they are saying!! Edited July 31, 2013 by wildtrac77 1
iris219 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I believe in chemistry but people expect it from the word go ( esp with OLD ) but this very very rarely happens in real life when two people meet for the first time!! Chemistry for me is either there immediately or it isn't. It has never, not once, developed. I went through a phrase many years ago where I decided to give every man who asked me out a chance and I'd go on 2, 3, 4+ dates with men I didn't feel chemistry with and none ever developed. Ever. All I did was waste their time. Chemistry is not something you can work at building. I believe it's out of our control. Compatibility, on the other hand, takes a while to recognize. 3
KatZee Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Real lasting chemistry builds over time, easy come chemistry is just that... easy come easy go which explains why so many women say they have experienced it with a guy/ guys and hence wont settle for any less but cant see the irony in what they are saying!! Listen, if you don't feel chemistry from the beginning, it's not going to magically manifest itself over time and out of thin air. People know pretty quickly if they feel a little jolt of something to indicate that they are interested in the other person. You can't feel NOTHING for someone, and expect to have chemistry over time, that's not what happens. I tried to date someone without the chemistry, I tried telling myself that it would come over time and that the longer we dated the more connected I would feel... guess what? It never happened. Two years later and I still didn't love him and I wound up hurting him big time. I don't care how nice a person is, if I feel nothing around you, if I don't feel even the slightest amount of interest/chemistry... then we're not dating. Period. It's a waste of time, and it's pointless and it leads to unbalanced relationships and unhappiness on both ends. ALL and I mean ALL relationships always start with lust. What happens? Guy sees a hot chick (pure lust and attraction) and he goes over to her. If she feels him back (again pure lust and attraction) they will start to date. It's that lust and interest/chemistry/spark that will keep those two together and then that lust will turn itself into love if they then both emotionally connect. Chemistry is either there, or it's not. And it's not something that's forced over a set amount of months and years. There's a REASON that it's so hard to find, it's super rare! It's worth waiting for. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that you have to force yourself to be with someone when there's no chemistry. 1
grkBoy Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I think chemistry is real as well. However, I usually like to caveat that with two things: 1. I think those who think or believe they can have or must have "instant chemistry" with someone by looking at a profile, photo, or an online chat are fooling themselves. I'm speaking of the people who seemingly need to feel "sparks" before they'll even try one date someone. I think you can get a lot out of the profile, photo, and chat...but in many ways you really won't know chemistry until you are out with that someone in-person. I won't knock someone who only does one date and moves on because they didn't feel chemistry...because they at least gave it a chance. I do knock those who seemingly look through tons of profiles and emails, claim they have no chemistry with these people...but complain how they haven't been on a date in so long. 2. Some people are able to create chemistry with ANYONE. We call them playas, manipulators, etc. I show as my example the women who seemingly keep meeting jerks/playas or the men who seemingly keep getting manipulated by the more cunning females. Chemistry is great, but don't let it cloud your sense of logic.
wildtrac77 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Chemistry for me is either there immediately or it isn't. It has never, not once, developed. I went through a phrase many years ago where I decided to give every man who asked me out a chance and I'd go on 2, 3, 4+ dates with men I didn't feel chemistry with and none ever developed. Ever. All I did was waste their time. Chemistry is not something you can work at building. I believe it's out of our control. Compatibility, on the other hand, takes a while to recognize. Well from experience I have had it develop with 3 women over time, all started off as hanging out with the same group of friends/ hobby etc and it happened over time without either me or them expecting it to happen!! You cant force chemistry with someone and I agree it is out of our control but that doesn't mean it wont/cant build with someone in time with that you hang out with but there wasn't any chemistry to start with.. The reason chemistry never happened with any of those guys is because you realized there wasn't any but still tried to force it ( prob not the right word but you know what I mean ) to happen but if you had started off as friends with those guys then more likely than not over time ( could be a month could be 5 years who knows ) chemistry might have happened with one or more of them!! IF you go looking for chemistry you will never find it!!
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