The way she left me hurt so much

[hiddenheart]

Being single and not wanting to be has been a recurring theme in my life. So when I met Sarah (not her real name) on a long trip abroad in asia, and she fell seriously in love with me, I wasn't sure how to handle it.

 

In February 2013 I visited her town and met her through a friend of a friend. The friend of the friend introduced us, then the 3 of us had lunch. He left us alone after 30 minutes. Honestly I thought there was no way she would ever be interested in me. She was quiet at first, but wanted to help me with my errand for the day. I thought she was being polite. Anyway the whole day with her after lunch melted away. We spent a solid 9 hours together. We were both becoming seduced by each other. We spoke all day, went around the city, visited a few different cafes. If I complained it didn't seem to matter to her. She was so sweet. When it came to 11pm, I realised we had to decide what to do next. I was travelling alone and didn't want to go back to the hotel alone, but I did not expect sex. I asked if she would come with me to see a movie... and I seriously expected she would resist my inevitable advances, since I was infatuated with her by now. But she did not resist. We had incredible sex and even months later she still remembered when I whispered "I want to keep you" on that first night.

 

She gave me all her attention that day. Her charm, intelligence and beauty seduced me. I never came to her country expecting to meet anyone I liked seriously. My wish was really to just find a travel buddy, have a nice time, and then go home.

 

The next day she helped me decide on a new hotel, we viewed the room together, ate there, and she used my laptop for 2 hours each day for her online work (she only had 2 hours/day of work at that time - although she is a high earner for her country when working online full time). She was actually in between homes at that time, and staying with friends, so it just seemed natural for her to stay with me as I moved hotels.

 

I knew she had a 5 month old baby (mistake child from a previous guy), but she almost never mentioned that. In fact, her mother took care of the baby. I didn't even think about it because it was all so out of sight.

 

After a few solid days together I asked her to come with me on a trip to a beach town a few hours away. She was scared of falling for me too seriously. That didn't even make sense to me. I had never been hurt by someone badly in the past, and Sarah was taking me so seriously, I felt no fear. She just did whatever I wanted to please me, and did it with nothing but happiness. Where-ever I wanted to go, in spite of her fear of it getting serious. I had a flight out to singapore on our 6th day together anyway, so I wasn't worried about getting in too deep.

 

When the 6th day came, we were sitting on the beach in the sand. She got really quiet, and I knew it was about me leaving. She was hiding her upset. I didn't want to go either, but I wanted to see singapore as planned. It turns out we lost track of time on the beach a bit. I asked her how long to get to the airport, and sarah hugely underestimated how long it would take. We rushed back to the hotel, and i asked the staff to get me a taxi direct to the airport, to save time. Sarah looked crushed. She sat beside the reception desk. I asked her to smile for a photo but it was more likely to be cry for the photo. I still remember the look on face.

 

I couldn't do it.. I couldn't leave her. So I stayed. That night we moved to a much nicer hotel, serious luxury. She was so happy. She helped me carry one of my bags, and always with a laugh or smile... At the hotel, she wore my clothes, she watched TV, we were chatting more, and just like all the nights before, we made amazing love. The next day I took her to a fitness gym. She was in love with the huge mirror there. I got her on the cross trainer for about 5 minutes, then she spent the rest of my workout time just dancing in front of the mirror. There was no one in the hotel gym except us and the gym guy, who was cute and seemed like our own personal little helper.

 

The rest of our trip continued in the same amazing, wonderful way, and finally ended back at her town, on the 10th day, at the bus terminal. She had to tend to family and work life, and see her baby, who she said she missed.

I was leaving finally. She was so beautiful. She sat with me in the bus before it left. We held hands. It was such a painful bus ride without her. We had become totally addicted to each other. Was this love?

 

When I look back, those 10 days were the most intense I have ever shared with another human being. But she did smoother me with affection, attention, and talking. I was thinking to myself "what else is out there in this amazing country?". I didn't understand fully how she saw the world, and I thought, maybe if I met some other girls there I could learn. I mentioned to her briefly that I was on an asian dating site, since before I met her. That was always a problem for us. I didn't want to say I would never go on that site, because I wanted her to let me go out and discover what other girls in the phlilippines are like. I thought I was being noble by being honest and people say they respect you for that. For saying the "truth" that I was curious, I was being a respectable person. But the truth is, after I met 1 girl on that dating site, and messaged some others, I realised there was nothing there for me. But the damage had been done. Sarah had this insecurity in her mind because I had spoken about the dating site with her.

 

At the end of the 10 days, I didn't leave the country, but went to some other places for a few days. It felt like ages. I wanted her to come and be with me, but she couldn't because of the child and cost of flights. I went back to see her, on the final day before my flight out of the country. I allowed her to realise that I had slept with a bar girl. I was so stupid to think she wouldn't guess. I had been lonely and it meant nothing, but I wonder if it was pernicious to the future of our relationship.

 

When I got back to England (home) in march, she was so sweet online. We told each other how much we missed each other. And as I started to reflect upon what had happened, I realised I want to spend the rest of my life with her. For 2 weeks everything was perfect online, and then for the 2nd half of march, she withdrew a little bit. I missed her more and more. She told me I was still the only one for her. We texted, and skyped, and video called. I was concerned that she was meeting guys in her home town but she reassured me, she said basically a longer version of this:

"Since you are the one i love, the rest of the world is just a prospect for friendship".

I trusted her. I was thinking about the future. I was talking to my parents and family about her. I was thinking about adoption of the child, about all kinds of things... how we could be together.

 

In April, she was still lovely, but our communication got harder. I guess work, family problems, and looking after the child more. I complained that she didn't seem to make time for us to talk. It was now just online when she was also working, so I got less than half her attention. But she still got so jealous/ paranoid if I was not in touch every day. It was beginning to grind me down. She demanded contact with me, but when we were in touch, it wasn't making me feel good. I longed for us to talk more and properly.

Eventually the arguments came. I now know (but didnt then) that this was at a time when she had been meeting with a spanish guy, just as friends. Near the end of april she said "do you think it's strange that he keeps coming back to my town, even though he is supposed to be travelling around the country?"

I had no response. I still thought she loved me. She did. And I still thought this guy was not a threat. Actually I forgot about that completely.

 

Then one Wednesday after a few weeks, it came to a point where I insisted on knowing what was going on in her mind, since she was not being open any more. Was she just busy with life?? She said she will send me a long email explaining everything. It didn't come. So on thursday I asked again. She said "I promise I will send it by friday night". Nothing. Then on Saturday I could not get hold of her. She had to explain what was on her mind, and extended her self set deadline 3 times. Finally on sunday night we chat on facebook. I'm so angry, but I stay composed. I ask if I can call her home phone, since I know it's in a room where it won't wake people. She says no but gives no reason. I ask 3 times. She just keeps saying "Please James, just give me this night, okay? Please just give me this night. Can you please just do that for me?"

 

I'm so ****ing angry and scared. I send her an email which she gets the next morning. Its short and designed to scare her. I say I'm really dissappointed, in 2 lines. I end it with just

"goodbye".

I remove her from facebook, but not block her. Then I get a response after 12 hours.

"In the end, this will feel like a dream. To me, it will always be a beautiful dream"

That was it! What the f**k?

 

I'm totally distraught. My heart is in peices. We are back in touch after a day or so. And she gives me more attention. I think maybe things are getting better. It turns out the spanish guy is back in town, and he has been helping with the child. But she "still loves" me. After a few days she gets a gift I mailed to her. She says just 1 word "Thank you" in her native language. That was when I realised this relationship is a train wreck. I ask if she considers us together, and she says no. She thinks I broke up with her. It takes less than 1 week, and she is now in a relationship with the spanish guy.

 

I guess if you read this far, you can imagine the pain I have been through.

She still to this day has not explained to me what happened in her mind. She said she wanted to keep me in her life. "Best friends" she said. But she changes her mind and sends so many mixed messages, it hurts me even more. When she saw something in late May 2013 on my facebook from another girl, she freaked out at me and got jealous. Even though she left me!! It felt good to get that reaction from her. But all the info I gave her, she gave me so little back in this hard time. My heart has been smashed. I have cried a lot.

Please tell me it gets better?

 

I'm okay when I'm busy, but my life is such that sometimes its not possible to be busy, then I start to remember her.

Coping strategies?

 

I can answer any questions about her and me, if any kind person has actually read this far....

 

EDIT:

I just wanted to add that while I was back in England, I never cheated on her, and never thought about anyone but her.

I still don't know if she ever cheated on my while we were "an item".

 

PS. I am not looking for any moral judgement. I just need to help to cope with all this, since she has obviously moved on, and I have not.

Edited July 31, 2013 by hiddenheart

[emi]

well, thats something unexpected from a travel to be honest. i dont know what advice to give you, but as for me, she doesnt know her real emotion, she doesnt know whether she ready to commit to you or not, probably there is something she feel for you, but im not sure its love, by the way thing is, that spanish dude got more advantage than you now, since hes closer, and already available for her. If u had told her the plan to close distance, and she still making all of this stuff, i suggest you trying to move on, because if she doesnt know how she feel and wont ready to commit, that will break you more. i know what u gone throught its hard, but give yourself time, i suggest u go no contact with her for awhile and see how things go ( during that time, try to get yourself in peace, and prepare to move on, if she come back, its good, if not, make it a nice memory)

[Sleepwalk]

Don't be mean and upset,what you gave to her,you gave it from your heart,maybe the love she returned wasn't as intense,and wasn't meant to last as long,as the one you felt for her.Take it as a summer adventure,she might be confused,taking the other guy,but who are you to go deal through her whole bullcrap,just because she cannot decide.She might have given the bird in the hand for the one on the fence,and might realise that later.Check on her behaviour especially how she behaves towards you.Like I have said,it's either something meant to be,or a nice summer memory.Cheers!

[Angry bird]

She sounds disconnected. And the first sign of that is how she relates to her baby?