Break up of circumstance/culture, can we reconcile?

[stuck_in_paradise]

I am not one who normally posts on the internet, but I have been reading through some of these posts and answers and find the communal support helpful.

 

Basically, I can not get over my Ex. It has been one month since we broke things off and 2 weeks since our last contact and I am a wreck. I need advice on a couple levels. First how to fix or get over this. And anyone who can give me maybe some cultural insight that I may be missing?

 

We were not married, but lived together for 5 years. I was on an NGO project in the Middle East when we met. We had our normal relationship ups and downs, as well as some cultural glitches, but seemed to get over these hurdles while still making things work. I quit my job to stay there for him and became extremely close with his family.

 

However, over the course of the Arab spring, the country collapsed into disaster and businesses fell apart. I had a small saving acct I was saving for a rainy day, but had spent all my money after 2 years of waiting out this turmoil (not able to find work). We weren't happy in that country, as life was becoming difficult in so many ways (i.e. food prices, saftey issues, daily functions), but whenever we were home together (it was our zen place) we were always happy to be with each other, we were the only thing that made each other happy. However, he could not / would not entertain the idea of moving, as he always said he could not leave his family.

 

I had brought up a couple times my personal trepidation at things not improving in our surroundings and my impending depleted savings, but he had always said he would take care of me not to worry. I love(d) him soo much and didn't go further than that, I just trusted him.

 

Two months ago, I travelled home for my cousin's graduation, and more major upheavals happened while I was away. He called me extremely depressed, complaining that there was no return from this mess and that he could not take care of me. He said everyone was giving a hard time for keeping me in such a situation, and with no business on the horizon, he couldn't offer me anything. I am not in my twenties anymore, and he couldn't guarantee marriage or stability, or safety, or children. He didn't want to talk about it, he said this is the way it had to be. He wouldn't entertain the idea of moving to the US or of "sometime maybe in the future", talk.

 

He told me he still loved me and wanted to talk and remain friends. We spoke several times in the first week, still using endearing terms and acting as if nothing happened, but it was always me who initiated it. I didn't want to chase him, so I waited for him to contact me. It took two days, and he found me on email, sms, skype and he called. I didn't answer at first but then called him back. I told him it was hard to talk, but was happy to hear from him. He said we would talk again soon and it has been two weeks. I don't want to be the first to contact.....again.

 

I am going crazy! I miss him, our life, my friends, my house, his family, so so much. In one day he took them all away (8 yrs of my life!). But I can't really be mad at him. It hurts so much not to be a part of his life, or tell him what is going on in mine. I know that living under those circumstances is not ideal, or even realistic, but is there any way we can make this work? Does anyone have some hopeful advice that will make him move? Or how to get over this? I don't want to lose him, and at the same time, I can't see how talking will make anything better unless he changes his mind! ugh!

Edited July 31, 2013 by stuck_in_paradise

[Philosoraptor]

Sadly the only thing you have control of is yourself. It's only been 2 weeks without contact, you can't expect to get over 8 years in a couple of weeks. The only thing you can do is start moving on as if he will never come back and learn to find happiness in your new single life. Be patient and focus on the happiness in your life. Things will get better as you allow yourself to heal.

[TaraMaiden]

I take it he's of Arab blood?

 

familial ties are sacrosanct.

I would think, to be brutally honest, his family have been giving him a hard time on (one) not being able to support you, and (two) your being from a different culture, background, upbringing and (possible, although by no means definitely) religion.

 

he has grown up under the influence of extremely strong role-models.

And I hate to say it, Arab men are not as accustomed to considering women to be their equals... This is why everyone was on his back about being supported BY you.

He was losing face and integrity, big time.

 

I'm going by what I know a friend of mine, living in Dubai, has told me, of the Arab men he knows.... they're not that considerate of female feelings, and while they woo non-nationals with 'every cool trick in the book', once married, their attitudes have a tendency to harden and change.

 

On the face of it, it's extremely sad.

But in the cold grey light of day, it's highly likely there were a lot more cultural hurdles than you may even have been made aware of; I think, truly, that you dodged a bullet.

 

Honestly, I do.

[happydate]

I am not one who normally posts on the internet, but I have been reading through some of these posts and answers and find the communal support helpful.

 

Basically, I can not get over my Ex. It has been one month since we broke things off and 2 weeks since our last contact and I am a wreck. I need advice on a couple levels. First how to fix or get over this. And anyone who can give me maybe some cultural insight that I may be missing?

 

We were not married, but lived together for 5 years. I was on an NGO project in the Middle East when we met. We had our normal relationship ups and downs, as well as some cultural glitches, but seemed to get over these hurdles while still making things work. I quit my job to stay there for him and became extremely close with his family.

 

However, over the course of the Arab spring, the country collapsed into disaster and businesses fell apart. I had a small saving acct I was saving for a rainy day, but had spent all my money after 2 years of waiting out this turmoil (not able to find work). We weren't happy in that country, as life was becoming difficult in so many ways (i.e. food prices, saftey issues, daily functions), but whenever we were home together (it was our zen place) we were always happy to be with each other, we were the only thing that made each other happy. However, he could not / would not entertain the idea of moving, as he always said he could not leave his family.

 

I had brought up a couple times my personal trepidation at things not improving in our surroundings and my impending depleted savings, but he had always said he would take care of me not to worry. I love(d) him soo much and didn't go further than that, I just trusted him.

 

Two months ago, I travelled home for my cousin's graduation, and more major upheavals happened while I was away. He called me extremely depressed, complaining that there was no return from this mess and that he could not take care of me. He said everyone was giving a hard time for keeping me in such a situation, and with no business on the horizon, he couldn't offer me anything. I am not in my twenties anymore, and he couldn't guarantee marriage or stability, or safety, or children. He didn't want to talk about it, he said this is the way it had to be. He wouldn't entertain the idea of moving to the US or of "sometime maybe in the future", talk.

 

He told me he still loved me and wanted to talk and remain friends. We spoke several times in the first week, still using endearing terms and acting as if nothing happened, but it was always me who initiated it. I didn't want to chase him, so I waited for him to contact me. It took two days, and he found me on email, sms, skype and he called. I didn't answer at first but then called him back. I told him it was hard to talk, but was happy to hear from him. He said we would talk again soon and it has been two weeks. I don't want to be the first to contact.....again.

 

I am going crazy! I miss him, our life, my friends, my house, his family, so so much. In one day he took them all away (8 yrs of my life!). But I can't really be mad at him. It hurts so much not to be a part of his life, or tell him what is going on in mine. I know that living under those circumstances is not ideal, or even realistic, but is there any way we can make this work? Does anyone have some hopeful advice that will make him move? Or how to get over this? I don't want to lose him, and at the same time, I can't see how talking will make anything better unless he changes his mind! ugh!

 

What he is saying confirms pretty much what I suspected. While he says he loves you, he doesn't actually really deeply love you. To him, you are NOT worth the sacrifice he will have to take to be with you. But if he does and truly and deeply love you, he will move with you to the US or even the moon and try to compromise with you so he can always be with you, because the sacrifices he makes is of little consequence compared to being with you. Same with a woman who's truly and deeply in love with a man.

 

There are really no excuses whether he's a Muslim or an Arab or a Chinese or even an African American. When a man dates a woman outside his race and religion, he KNOWS the consequences of that act. I have a good friend who is an Arab with a Caucasian wife who was in a similar situation like you and him. But he packed his bags and left with her and traveled with her to Europe where she was assigned work and then gradually moving back to her home country. He had to do some growing up and cultural conditioning along the way as being an Arab man. He told me it was tough, but it was well worth the pain, because he loved her so much! Both parents eventually reconciled and they are expecting a child together. There are other cultural mixed marriages that started out as being a huge challenge, but eventually they all worked out fine.

 

If this man truly love you and want to be with you, you wouldn't have this post on LS. If you don't, he does not want to sacrifice what he dearly love most all to be with you. This means, he doesn't really love you that much.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 31, 2013 by happydate