HiddenUser Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 So I'm not sure if this is a question that's asked a lot, but I think there are two common answers. It's usually a balance between "no, it only matters where he/she is going" and "yes, it shows he/she has responsibility." Normally I'd be OK with a 50/50 chance, but there are some things that are throwing me off my game and I'd like to know what others think. I'm a 20 year old college guy (more on that later). The only major relationship that I've ever been in was with a girl from the 8th grade. We dated for three and a half years and we had a great relationship. We had our ups and downs, but we held on for a really long time considering we were teenagers. In the end I found out that she had been cheating for a few weeks with some guy she was working with. Reason being? She was the type of person that wanted to rush into adulthood. She had a very poor family environment and I guess she wanted out of it. She basically wanted me to move out and become a father when I was only just turning 17. I wasn't ready for that. About a year later, she met some guy at work who was. She went off and got married to him and now has two kids. She was pregnant at just 18! Fast forward a few years and I'm now a successful 20 year old student. I'm an introvert and I study mathematics. I'm very successful and currently have a 4.0 GPA. I'm a little nerdy, but I'm also a really good looking guy that's caring and friendly. Not that I'm trying to brag, but I see women taking interest in me all the time. Just yesterday I overheard a girl telling her friends about how cute I was. But I'm having some problem when it comes to talking to them... See, right now, I'm extremely focused on my long term career. I want to be an astrophysicist that changes the world for the better. A lot of my teachers have taken notice of my hard academic work and are helping me to get closer to obtaining great scholarships. Because GPA is so important in my field and especially with some scholarships, I'm focusing all of my attention on it. I don't work and I currently live at home with my mother who has a serious spinal injury. My father works out of state and can't help her, so I help her with whatever she needs done. In return, my father pays for my school, my car, my phone, pretty much everything. I have cash to spend on most occasions, but none of it is mine. This makes me feel really lousy. I feel like a failure because I'm not balancing work and school at the same time. I feel like no girl could possibly be interested in me because I'm a loser that isn't working. Just yesterday I nearly died on the way home from a five hour trip. Someone swerved into my lane and we were both going 70 head on. He veered off the road, in slow motion, at the last moment. If I had left just a a second sooner, I'd be dead. I don't want to die alone. I want to find my soul mate. I want to cuddle her, lie with her under the stars, bring her flowers, take her to dinner and just all around make amazing memories with her. But I can't get past this idea that a job is the only way she'll even consider me. Am I being too hard on myself or is there some merit to my concerns?
MissBee Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 You're not some random bum living at home with no job, no education, no ambition and expecting hand outs. You're a 20 year old college student who wants to be an astrophysicist, who in exchange for taking care of your disabled mom, gets paid for it. That's a noble thing and I think many women your age would GLADLY date you, and some are in your position: i.e. college students who aren't working but either get money from financial aid, a stipend, a part time job or their parents. Dating another student also increases your chances she'll understand. I'm sure one day you will have a job and be making tons of money, because of the foundation you're setting now, and I don't think you not having some random job, but focusing on your education, makes you less than. 4
Author HiddenUser Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 You're not some random bum living at home with no job, no education, no ambition and expecting hand outs. You're a 20 year old college student who wants to be an astrophysicist, who in exchange for taking care of your disabled mom, gets paid for it. That's a noble thing and I think many women your age would GLADLY date you, and some are in your position: i.e. college students who aren't working but either get money from financial aid, a stipend, a part time job or their parents. Dating another student also increases your chances she'll understand. I'm sure one day you will have a job and be making tons of money, because of the foundation you're setting now, and I don't think you not having some random job, but focusing on your education, makes you less than. Thanks, MissBee, your input has been very helpful. I really appreciate it. Here's to hoping for a great semester!
pink_sugar Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) So I'm not sure if this is a question that's asked a lot, but I think there are two common answers. It's usually a balance between "no, it only matters where he/she is going" and "yes, it shows he/she has responsibility." Normally I'd be OK with a 50/50 chance, but there are some things that are throwing me off my game and I'd like to know what others think. I'm a 20 year old college guy (more on that later). The only major relationship that I've ever been in was with a girl from the 8th grade. We dated for three and a half years and we had a great relationship. We had our ups and downs, but we held on for a really long time considering we were teenagers. In the end I found out that she had been cheating for a few weeks with some guy she was working with. Reason being? She was the type of person that wanted to rush into adulthood. She had a very poor family environment and I guess she wanted out of it. She basically wanted me to move out and become a father when I was only just turning 17. I wasn't ready for that. About a year later, she met some guy at work who was. She went off and got married to him and now has two kids. She was pregnant at just 18! Fast forward a few years and I'm now a successful 20 year old student. I'm an introvert and I study mathematics. I'm very successful and currently have a 4.0 GPA. I'm a little nerdy, but I'm also a really good looking guy that's caring and friendly. Not that I'm trying to brag, but I see women taking interest in me all the time. Just yesterday I overheard a girl telling her friends about how cute I was. But I'm having some problem when it comes to talking to them... See, right now, I'm extremely focused on my long term career. I want to be an astrophysicist that changes the world for the better. A lot of my teachers have taken notice of my hard academic work and are helping me to get closer to obtaining great scholarships. Because GPA is so important in my field and especially with some scholarships, I'm focusing all of my attention on it. I don't work and I currently live at home with my mother who has a serious spinal injury. My father works out of state and can't help her, so I help her with whatever she needs done. In return, my father pays for my school, my car, my phone, pretty much everything. I have cash to spend on most occasions, but none of it is mine. This makes me feel really lousy. I feel like a failure because I'm not balancing work and school at the same time. I feel like no girl could possibly be interested in me because I'm a loser that isn't working. Just yesterday I nearly died on the way home from a five hour trip. Someone swerved into my lane and we were both going 70 head on. He veered off the road, in slow motion, at the last moment. If I had left just a a second sooner, I'd be dead. I don't want to die alone. I want to find my soul mate. I want to cuddle her, lie with her under the stars, bring her flowers, take her to dinner and just all around make amazing memories with her. But I can't get past this idea that a job is the only way she'll even consider me. Am I being too hard on myself or is there some merit to my concerns? You're only 20...go easy on yourself. Your ex started very young, which is the minority. I married young...at 19, but I am so glad I haven't had kids. I'm 24 now and realizing I really shouldn't have rushed. If I ever got divorced, I'd take it slow. You have at least another 10 years before worrying about settling down. Get through college and focus on your career. Once you have that established, you can worry about finding a long term, serious relationship. I wish I would have done the same thing. It is extremely hard to be married while neither of you have good paying jobs. I would not recommend it at all. You want to be stable before getting serious with someone. As for risks, we encounter them each and every day. Life is a risk. Don't live your life with "what if's" and just focus on the now. Edited July 31, 2013 by pink_sugar 1
patrol Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Is there anything wrong with studying hard and dating? You're definitely not a loser.... 4.0 GPA in math? I have a 3.5 GPA for Computer Science and I'm still relatively proud of myself. You say you're an introvert and have trouble talking to girls. I don't know about you but that seems like the only issue here. Frankly, I think I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm 20, college student, introvert, and also have problems talking to girls. Something about not having a girlfriend makes me feel unfulfilled and emasculated. I think if we can get that part of our life handled, the waters of life will flow freely again. 1
Author HiddenUser Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 You're only 20...go easy on yourself. Your ex started very young, which is the minority. I married young...at 19, but I am so glad I haven't had kids. I'm 24 now and realizing I really shouldn't have rushed. If I ever got divorced, I'd take it slow. You have at least another 10 years before worrying about settling down. Get through college and focus on your career. Once you have that established, you can worry about finding a long term, serious relationship. I wish I would have done the same thing. It is extremely hard to be married while neither of you have good paying jobs. I would not recommend it at all. You want to be stable before getting serious with someone. As for risks, we encounter them each and every day. Life is a risk. Don't live your life with "what if's" and just focus on the now. That's very good advice, thank you. I'm definitely not ready for marriage and certainly not ready for kids. I have to tell you, I'm so very happy I wasn't the one to get her pregnant. What a mistake that would have been! He gets help from his mom from time to time so we're in about the same position financially. I'd never expect him to take me on lavish dates or bring me flowers, etc and we're both quite comfortable doing things locally or just hanging out. We're two relatively broke college kids. I don't think people should be celibate or single just because they're unemployed, especially not at this age. As long as you're working toward some kind of goal and not sitting around playing Madden all day I see no problem with it. I guess I have it in my mind that women expect those kinds of things because of how my last relationship ended. It's nice to hear that I was putting too much thought into it, though. Your last line had me laughing pretty hard, too. I know a few people like that, but what makes it sad is they're married and have kids. Thanks for your input on the matter. Hidden, I really admire you for your determination to make something great of yourself. Don't EVER lose that vision. Your goals and aspirations are so very impressive. Life is lived in cycles. Right now, you're giving your all to being the best student (and son) you can be. That's where you SHOULD be at 20 years old, laying out the groundwork for your future. This cycle will eventually come to an end and you'll get to the next one - beginning your career and carving out your niche in your field, hopefully eventually making a name for yourself in your field of expertise. Right now, be the 20 year old young man you're supposed to be. You're what I refer to as an "old soul" - you're much older than your young years and feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's this very character trait that has driven you to where you are today which is a wonderful thing, but sometimes, it can also be a bit weighty on a young mans' shoulders and make him push himself too hard and expect too much from himself. I, for one, would be extremely proud if I were your mama. Do what you're supposed to do right now, which is get the best education you possibly can. The time will come when you can move on to the next step in your life, but for now, take your journey one step at a time. Thanks, contrefaire. I should know that my future is the most important thing right now, but sometimes I feel lousy for not having gone anywhere yet. I see pictures of friends that I used to hang out with (we moved, drifted apart, etc.) having kids, getting married, joining the army, etc. It's hard not to think, "man, and I'm still living at home?" But I know that I'm on the right path for my career, and I know that I'm doing good things. It's just hard to feel that way sometimes. I really appreciate your thoughtful input. It means so much to me that you've taken the time to respond. Thank you. Is there anything wrong with studying hard and dating? You're definitely not a loser.... 4.0 GPA in math? I have a 3.5 GPA for Computer Science and I'm still relatively proud of myself. You say you're an introvert and have trouble talking to girls. I don't know about you but that seems like the only issue here. Frankly, I think I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm 20, college student, introvert, and also have problems talking to girls. Something about not having a girlfriend makes me feel unfulfilled and emasculated. I think if we can get that part of our life handled, the waters of life will flow freely again. Not at all, Patrol. What field of computer science are you going into, though? I studied software engineering for six years but had a change of heart about a year ago. Yeah, that's it. The way you feel about not having a girlfriend is how I feel about not having a job - emasculated. I think by being introverts, we spend too much time thinking about it, which inevitably holds us back anytime we perceive an opportunity to make a move. I can't tell you how many times I've ignored signals for that very reason. I think you would benefit from checking out LAHWF on Youtube. He posts funny videos of himself doing awkward things in public. It doesn't sound like it would help you much, but it showed me that, even if you're really awkward, you can still get a girl to laugh and to like you. By watching his videos, I was able to gain some insight on body language, approaches, etc. It's given me a huge boost. I'm not saying to copy his work to try to get women, but it helps to know that rejection will happen and that it's no big deal. It also helps to know that almost any approach works, you just have to be man enough to do it. And even if things turn really weird, it might still work out. I watched all 90 of his videos yesterday, when I first found his channel. Give it a look. LAHWF - YouTube
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