Hmmm...

[AbeNormal]

Sorry, had a post here - but got skittish at the last minute. My apologies. Please ignore.

Edited July 31, 2013 by AbeNormal

[AbeNormal]

That would hurt my feelings as well...I believe that when betrayed your self esteem get bruised and that a little acknowledgement goes a long way. I know that my husband felt under appreciated and that's one of the reasons he made such a poor choice in having an affair. I appreciate his compliments more these days and in the past brushed them off which in an odd way made him feel like his opinion of me was unimportant. I also make a point of keeping his feelings in the front of my mind. Appreciation of your spouse is an important thing.

 

 

Ps...I am a teacher and often experience the hot for teacher thing from dads, yuck.

 

OK, I got caught in an edit. Sorry.

 

To give your post justice, I will re-post mine (even though my inclination was to delete it). Thanks for your thoughts. Abe.

 

P.S. While not true in my case (as I could provide many witnesses to substantiate) - sometimes "hot for teacher" is just that - as annoying as it might be. Sorry to hear that's your cross to bear.

 

Thanks for being a teacher. My youngest is about to leave the house (she's going away to university), and I can't help but admire the teachers who have helped her (and my other children) along the way. Abe.

 

*******

*******

 

Someone suggested I start a new thread (although I don’t really think at this point I have any truly rational thoughts upon which to base a question and seek advice). But, anyway, this is prompted in part by the thread “question for those reconciled for a while” by NotCamelot, as well as other recent threads.

 

I had a dream last night. No, not the “I have a dream” – or anything remotely as significant – I just had an anxiety dream.

 

There was a flood and I tried to save my family (reminded me of this painting in the Louvre – de deluge - and this pic in no way captures the beauty/emotion of that painting as seen in person – it’s just what I found upon a simple search): http://scribouillart.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/scene-de-deluge-girodet-trioson.jpg

 

But there was more. Washing machines leaking, etc. etc. – the standard anxiety dream.

 

And then when I was in a small, unknown village – tying to get my bearings – I was approached, in an obviously sexual way, by a young woman.

 

I explained that I was married – despite the fact that I did not wear a ring (perhaps this was prompted by a recent thread).

 

And here is where it gets bad. I said I need to tend to my family – but let me think about it.

 

*****

 

When I told that dream to my wife today she rolled her eyes and huffed and said “dream on Abe”.

 

Not what I had hoped to hear. I guess I would have hoped to hear “yes, I can see why you might be desirable to such a woman, but I AM YOUR WOMAN who will take care of you, and such a lass would not even know where to start”.

 

Or something like that (she could have bitten her tongue - couldn't she?). Just hoped to see that I was worth much more than an eye roll.

 

Too sensitive I guess – but that is likely the domain of a man/woman who is suffering from betrayal. And I/you would hope the person that betrayed us would be able to sense that…

 

I used to be approached quite often. For the wrong reasons. I am a professor at a major university and I used to get that “professor” crap (by young naïve things). I then went on to portray a very different persona as concerns my everyday (outside of the university) activities. And I continue to be completely "stand-off-ish" on the job - as is only reasonable (from my point of view).

 

But I’m a bit annoyed. Something tells me my wife still thinks she needs to “diminish me” to keep me in line – even though I have not ever drifted out of the line. I have never cheated. – ever. Yet she did.

 

Can she not embrace me?

 

Tired of this crap.

 

How’s that for a thread/post without clarity of thought?

Edited July 31, 2013 by AbeNormal

[BetrayedH]

My wife was similarly arrogant and superior.

 

I'm glad I divorced that bitch.

[waterwoman]

What a cruel and thoughtless response. I know that my self-esteem has been rock bottom since dday. H has spent all of that time telling me how amazing, beautiful, sexy, funny etc I am (I am NOT). Without that I'd be a mess. I'm so sorry abe

[Snowflower]

Abe, I liked what you wrote. It struck a chord with me too.

 

As a BS, our self esteem takes such a beating. Even if WE know that we are attractive, friendly, accomplished (or whatever adjective fits), the fact that our spouse didn't think so just crushes us.

 

That was a thoughtless remark that your wife made. She probably didn't realize the impact of her words and it seems WS never truly get that.

 

All these small slights and insults that pre-affair would have been just an annoyance or a slight irritation are suddenly magnified after an affair. I've been there and completely understand.

 

My best advice? Please just remember that no matter what you are (or aren't) you weren't the one who threw away decency, respect, your promises, out the window for a selfish pursuit. Take solace in that and take pride in that too. You are a person of your word and you have tried, and continue to try to do the right thing. You have attempted to forgive a grievous action against you by someone who should have had your back.

 

Be proud of your chosen profession too. Hey, you have my dream job.

 

Hang in there!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Abe, can you explain to her how you felt about her response to your dream? Do you think there is a way you could get through to her how you felt when she did that to you?

[turnera]

When my H jokes about hitting on some hot young thing, I just laugh and say go ahead, if she'll have you. We both know I'm joking. We both know HE is joking. We're confident enough that neither is going anywhere to be able to joke about it.

 

Not sure that would work in a marriage that's endured an affair, though.

[compulsivedancer]

I know it hurts, but is it possible that she was just joking and didn't mean anything by it? Obviously she didn't leave the marriage after her A, so she must think you're worth keeping. She probably didn't realize how thoughtless and insensitive that was. If she did, that's just mean.

[AbeNormal]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Sorry I started the thread so poorly (with my delete). Unfortunately, I may have made a worse mistake. Just submitted a long post, and had a message flash (too fast for me to read) that said my post will not appear for... If it get's posted later, I'll ask the moderator to remove it as being redundant.

 

****

 

BetrayedH:

There is certainly no “lack of clarity” in your post! Love it.

 

waterwoman:

Thanks for your kind remarks.

 

turnera:

That’s the way it should be. Perhaps when a couple is fully reconciled, things go back to being that way. (They used to be that way for my wife and me – years ago.)

 

Snowflower:

I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. It is a self-esteem thing, I am sure. Mine used to be quite healthy (I believe) - it is now in the rubbish bin. I know “deep down” it shouldn’t be – but the last 22 months have had a profound impact upon me.

 

You know, my discussion about dreams makes me think of one I had the morning after my wife confessed. In that dream, the OM was in bed with my wife – on top of her – and he turned and looked at me with a grin on his face. I threw up – literally. At least I’m not throwing up anymore!

 

Note to self: need to stop dreaming…

 

****

 

There are a couple aspects to the dream I mentioned in my original post that got me thinking/worrying…

 

Yes, pathetically, I had hoped my wife would come back with something to stroke my ego – I ended up getting the complete opposite of that.

 

(I’ve pitched her a couple “softballs” lately that she hasn’t even recognized as being worth swinging at. It upsets me, afterwards, that I try and get a boost that way … but at least the other times it just slipped by unrecognized rather than giving rise to an eye-roll and huff!).

 

She’s actually a very good person (sans cheating), she just doesn’t seem to get this… at all. And it feels wimpy for me to ask directly (early on I did ask her, several times, to tell me what she finds good/desirable about me – and she did so in a sweet way) – afterwards I didn’t necessarily feel better since I was upset that I felt the need to ask… And that there was a need to ask.

 

But the thing about protecting/saving my family – and all the anxiety associated with that – yet giving a bit of thought to engaging with another woman when approached, dovetails with some of the chaos in my mind lately.

 

I think I am at a low point, and was wondering whether this is normal. My wife trickle-truthed me for the first nine months (extremely upsetting!!), so maybe my clock starts after that and it has only been 13 months. Maybe after a year of post-TT “work” I’m just temporarily worn out, emotionally down, overly sensitive, and suffering a new type of low-grade anger.

 

In some ways things are much better and the storm has quieted; certain aspects of our marriage have improved considerably. Perhaps the quiet time is allowing two much opportunity for reflection…

 

I’d sure like to hear that this is not abnormal, and that if my wife and I stick with things we can turn the corner. (If we can’t turn the corner, then I will likely join BetrayedH in terms of my “final assessment”…). But I’m still hoping to make it.

 

Sorry if this post is long/confusing. Again, I’d really appreciate any thoughts about whether there is such a thing as a “two year itch” or “low before the rally” or whatever. And how to go forward. Thanks.

Edited July 31, 2013 by AbeNormal

[AbeNormal]

I know it hurts, but is it possible that she was just joking and didn't mean anything by it? Obviously she didn't leave the marriage after her A, so she must think you're worth keeping. She probably didn't realize how thoughtless and insensitive that was. If she did, that's just mean.

 

 

I don’t know your husband, but I would be careful with this kind of thought.

 

I think there is something in the pinned document (“Things that every wayward spouse needs to know”) that alludes to this as being something the BS should recognize – ignore it - at least as concerns a betrayed man.

 

My wife read somewhere, in some magazine article, that she should say (or point out) that “I chose you Abe”.

 

I swear that the neurons in my brain must have fired faster than they ever have before – when she said that to me I exploded before the final syllable even reached my ears.

 

“YOU are saying that YOU chose me over some lying, cheating POS? That’s something you think has relevance and should console me?! Who the hell are YOU to choose me anyway?! You’d better just hope I choose to stay with you!!”

 

That was in the first month after her confession. I advised her that she would be wise to never, ever say or allude to anything like that again.

 

Perhaps that’s just me.

 

Best of luck.

 

P.S. I think it is important to distinguish a husband's view of the OM from his view of his wife - as regards the cheating. The husband will likely be protective of his wife (while still angry, hurt, etc.) - while at the same time holding the OM in complete disdain. There will be a separation in his mind - again, as regards the cheating. So, when you read my words above including "cheating POS" - they have absolutely nothing to do with my view of my wife (of course!) - just my view of the POS OM. My wife is lovely. The OM is a POS. Not sure the psychology of that is necessarily relevant - at least as concerns the suggestion that you stay away from any such pronouncements to your husband...

Just a thought.

Edited August 1, 2013 by AbeNormal

[AbeNormal]

I know it hurts, but is it possible that she was just joking and didn't mean anything by it? Obviously she didn't leave the marriage after her A, so she must think you're worth keeping. She probably didn't realize how thoughtless and insensitive that was. If she did, that's just mean.

 

Looking again at this post I think there is a major - no, MAJOR! - disconnect.

 

Worth keeping? Hell's bells. Ass-backwards. Psssst...

Edited August 1, 2013 by AbeNormal

[compulsivedancer]

Looking again at this post I think there is a major - no, MAJOR! - disconnect.

 

Worth keeping? Hell's bells. Ass-backwards. Psssst...

Abe, I clearly worded that wrong. I guess the important part of what I'm trying to say is, it probably wasn't intentional. As someone who often speaks quickly without thinking, there are many times where what would've been an easy statement pre-A was very weighty post-affair. And I don't know I've done it unless H tells me.

 

I know you don't want to have to tell her it hurts; you want her to get there on her own. But I think you need to tell her what you need or it'll keep happening. What she does with the information is up to her.

 

You're right, I'm sorry. I guess what I mean is that if she's putting in the hard work to reconcile (if she is), then she must want you and love you. I hope that she can express it better to you.