Just separated from alcoholic H, feel relieved, is this normal?

[ashvllgrl]

My husband was arrested for assault on a female (me). He was drunk at the time. He's had a serious problem with alcohol escalating for the past 5 years, particularly bad the past year. He's been increasingly verbally abusive when drunk particularly the past 6 months, screaming at me repeatedly that I am the cause of his problems. One week ago he pushed me down and punched me in the arm 3 times. I ran out of the house and called 911. He admitted 'a little pushing & shoving' to the police and they arrested him.

 

He has hit me before (2 years ago) during a time just post infidelity (his), at that time he cracked a rib but I was fighting him back. So all I did was tell him never again, it would be divorce.

 

Now that he is under a temporary restraining order until his trial - all I feel is relief that he is out of the house, and although there is 1% of me that feels if he spends the next year sober and gets help for his anger issues, I might reunite, I am 99% sure I do NOT want to get back together.

 

The thing is, when I read about what to expect upon separation or divorce they talk about sadness, depression, missing the spouse. But although I a bit lonely and am wistful for what once was and wish it could have stayed that way, what I mostly feel, (like 85%) is RELIEF and gratitude for the mandatory separation.

 

My stress level has dropped, I sleep better, Im looking forward to and thinking about possibilities in my (single) future.

 

Is this normal when you separate from an abusive alcoholic?

[trippi1432]

My husband was arrested for assault on a female (me). He was drunk at the time. He's had a serious problem with alcohol escalating for the past 5 years, particularly bad the past year. He's been increasingly verbally abusive when drunk particularly the past 6 months, screaming at me repeatedly that I am the cause of his problems. One week ago he pushed me down and punched me in the arm 3 times. I ran out of the house and called 911. He admitted 'a little pushing & shoving' to the police and they arrested him.

 

He has hit me before (2 years ago) during a time just post infidelity (his), at that time he cracked a rib but I was fighting him back. So all I did was tell him never again, it would be divorce.

 

Now that he is under a temporary restraining order until his trial - all I feel is relief that he is out of the house, and although there is 1% of me that feels if he spends the next year sober and gets help for his anger issues, I might reunite, I am 99% sure I do NOT want to get back together.

 

The thing is, when I read about what to expect upon separation or divorce they talk about sadness, depression, missing the spouse. But although I a bit lonely and am wistful for what once was and wish it could have stayed that way, what I mostly feel, (like 85%) is RELIEF and gratitude for the mandatory separation.

 

My stress level has dropped, I sleep better, Im looking forward to and thinking about possibilities in my (single) future.

 

Is this normal when you separate from an abusive alcoholic?

 

Yes, of course it's normal to feel relief now that chaos is out of your life. Treat yourself well, do good things for yourself and keep moving forward. Empower yourself and life so that you never have to worry about letting someone like that into your life again.

 

There are absolutely no rules that say you have to go through sadness and depression to get over someone or to move your life forward. The better you can look at your life with him realistically, the better off you are. The worst form of abuse is the abuse we do to ourselves (beating our own selves up). It's not a requirement, it becomes our own weapon to stay stuck within our abuse and abusive partner....so be happy that you are going about it the right way and seeing him for who he really is.

 

Keep moving forward and put good things in your life.

[along60years]

I was depressed after my ex left because I became codependent. However, if I were you I would be so grateful he was gone. You should be happy, all that says is that things really were THAT bad and it is for the best. It is just a sign you still have good self esteem. I think people get depressed when they want things to work out and don't expect to be left. You are clearly better of and safer as well which is very fortunate. You aren't in denial is all. People with self esteem issues and who develop codependency are more likely to get depressed after splitting up from an alcoholic in my opinion because they rely on the other person to inform their emotions and opinion of themselves. Clearly in your case he is the problem.

[smokey bear]

The grief will come, you can't avoid it but that doesn't mean that you can't be fully aware of how much better your life is without him.

 

9 years with an alcoholic, separated 3, best decision of my life, im actually disappointed I hung around so long on promises of sobering up.

 

I would tell everyone that asked me "should I stay and see if he sobers up"

 

 

NO

[trippi1432]

The grief will come, you can't avoid it but that doesn't mean that you can't be fully aware of how much better your life is without him.

 

9 years with an alcoholic, separated 3, best decision of my life, im actually disappointed I hung around so long on promises of sobering up.

 

I would tell everyone that asked me "should I stay and see if he sobers up"

 

 

NO

 

15 years for me....I think the grief is really about how long you stayed knowing you should have left to begin with in these cases. Again, I say it's beating yourself up because you should have known better....and perhaps even did. What you can't do is dwell there, survivors deserve to be happy.