He has a felony conviction for beating up his ex! Should i dump him?

[ltjg45]

Either way. The point still stands.

 

My bet is that he's guilty. But if he isn't, he's just dumb. Both are wonderful traits to look for in a relationship...

 

No kidding. Either he's a criminal or an idiot.

 

Sounds like traits women would be glad to have when looking for a potential husband to mate with in the near future.....

[Emilia]

Prejudiced judgement is alive and well and living comfortably (single) on LS.....

Yep! The difference between judging individual cases and circumstances on merit and making sweeping generalisations about the world that don't help anyone.

[Drseussgrrl]

Yep! The difference between judging individual cases and circumstances on merit and making sweeping generalisations about the world that don't help anyone.

 

Come on now ladies, really?

 

The dude has a FELONY. You know, like grand theft auto or selling large amounts of coke.

 

This isn't some argument that got out of hand with an old girlfriend, and the cops showed up.

 

Are you seriously implying that she overlook this based on HIS word?

[thefooloftheyear]

Prejudiced judgement is alive and well and living comfortably (single) on LS.....

 

 

With all due respect, you are a parent, no?...Why would you not be a bit prejudiced? I am not about giving someone the benefit of the doubt so easily.. How might you feel if you gave it your blessing and then found out six months later when you get a call from the police or the hospital?

 

I dunno, I am not against second chances, but I dont want to play the "ifs and buts" when it comes to my own kid..And you and I both know kids can be gullible, naive, and dumb at this age and not recognize warning signals..

 

TFY

[fortyninethousand322]

Prejudiced judgement is alive and well and living comfortably (single) on LS.....

 

It's really not that hard to avoid these kinds of criminal cases.

 

Now if this had been a botched drug raid or a bs traffic stop, I'd be completely in sympathy with the guy in question. Particularly if he was a racial minority (since they are profiled like that). But beating up your girlfriend? There's no money in it for the police to frame you for that.

 

Either it happened or your dumb. Which probably shouldn't surprise me that those two traits are highly attractive...

[Emilia]

Come on now ladies, really?

 

The dude has a FELONY. You know, like grand theft auto or selling large amounts of coke.

 

This isn't some argument that got out of hand with an old girlfriend, and the cops showed up.

 

Are you seriously implying that she overlook this based on HIS word?

Which one of my posts said that?

[soccerrprp]

I don't understand how I brought doubt to the story of the victim. If anything I was rather passive aggressive in my response and my intention was to inform OP that she doesn't know the full spectrum of the story. I was simply stating my opinion that she should find the facts and then make an informed decision based upon that. Not based upon something she was only told by others. That's my advice, take it or leave it.

 

Anyway, OP should be aware but seek out further information about this incident. Too little details to make a rational judgement about someone, I believe.

 

Okay, may have jumped the gun a bit. My apologies.

 

Anyway, OP, there were some serious accusations. Accusations that none of US know were true or not. He was accused of hitting her with a bat, hitting her period and plead guilty to domestic assault. He was young, but that's no excuse. All of this talk about how our brain is not fully mature until we're 25 or whatever doesn't explain the vast majority of people who do not resort to violence in a domestic dispute, does it?

 

Find out what you can, how YOU feel about him and move on from there...

[ltjg45]

I have been dating this guy for almost 5 months. Everything was going great. Hes sweet, hes funny, hes driven, and i thought he was the perfect guy for me. We were taking things slow and everything.

 

Well, that's good to see, at the least.

 

Today i found out he had a felony assault 3 domestic violence. I didn't even find this out from him. I found it out from a mutual friend who went to his high school.

 

When i approached him he claimed he tried to tell me but i said i didn't want to talk about our past. Which is true i did say that. But i didn't know he had something like this in his past...

 

Well, that wasn't his fault since you admitted that you didn't want to hear it.

 

So can't fault him on that.

 

Still, how the hell did he get a felony if there is no physical harm done to the woman? Something doesn't make any sense.

 

He has never so much as raised his voice at me. And he really doesn't seem like the women hitting type. He told me he pushed his ex and grabbed her by the arm and that was it. He says she told the cops he hit her in the arm with a bat which is assault with a deadly weapon. He plead out to the lower charge because he was scared he would lose the case. At least that is what he claims.

 

The mutual friend said she didn't know his ex very well, but that the girl went all over school telling people that he beat her face in. They never saw her with any bruises or marks though. And a lot of people at there high school thought she was a lying because he broke up with her.

 

Idk what to think to be honest. He said quote "My felony conviction has done nothing but ruined my life. I lost everything after that. So if you want to leave, you can go to, i completely understand but i'm not that type of guy, and thats all i'm going to say on the subject"

 

Well, perhaps you need to ask him more questions concerned what happened. for something this serious, I would be trying to get as much information as I possibly can get.

 

It is weird how since he has a chance to explain it, he reveals so little to you. That tells me he is hiding something and I would be wary of that.

 

If someone wanted to prove that he/she is now above what he/she did in the past, he would have no issues explaining everything that he can remember.

 

Idk what to do. I'm scared that he might start hitting me. But hes never even shown an angry side. And hes also huge and he boxes so i feel like if he beat her up she would have had some bruises on her face at least.

 

The people I work with wouldn't think I have an angry side either but those who REALLY know me (which is just my immediate family and my step-mother) would attest that I have quite the temper if provoked enough.

 

Be careful. After all, your relationship is still very much new.

 

Also, huge and he boxes? I bet he can sucker punch me and knock me out cold with a punch at half his strength.....

 

I wouldn't do it but he has the possibility to be a guy you may want that is indeed worth keeping. It just that I have seen this kind of stuff go cold and sour eventually (it's just a matter of time, relatively speaking) so I'm not going to risk that.

 

It's your call, frankly.

[Drseussgrrl]

Okay, may have jumped the gun a bit. My apologies.

 

Anyway, OP, there were some serious accusations. Accusations that none of US know were true or not. He was accused of hitting her with a bat, hitting her period and plead guilty to domestic assault. He was young, but that's no excuse. All of this talk about how our brain is not fully mature until we're 25 or whatever doesn't explain the vast majority of people who do not resort to violence in a domestic dispute, does it?

 

Find out what you can, how YOU feel about him and move on from there...

 

Sorry - but, huge difference between being "accused" of something and then being found guilty of serious bodily injury that resulted in a felony conviction.

[soccerrprp]

Sorry - but, huge difference between being "accused" of something and then being found guilty of serious bodily injury that resulted in a felony conviction.

 

Of course. He plead guilty. Made it easy. No need to be found guilty. I'm not saying that he IS guilty, just that the OP should be careful to the obvious facts:

 

1. HE, under the legal system, IS guilty of domestic assault. (by jury or plead)

2. He IS a felon.

3. She does not know his entire history

4. She does not know ALL of the facts and certainly not the victim's side of the story

5. And this is too important for her not to find out as much as she can and too important, IMHO, to simply give him the benefit of the doubt w/o being very cautious until she is satisfied.

 

To add a cynical twist, we ALL know that some guilty people plead out b/c they fear and want to avoid the more severe punishment. Again, not saying that he IS guilty....

Edited July 31, 2013 by soccerrprp

[RedRobin]

OP, you are young. Plenty of fish in the sea... I'd respectfully move on and tell him you just can't take that chance.

 

Tell him you believe he's on the right path now... all the things you appreciate about him... and then wish him the best.

 

He's also got years to prove his worth and that he's making better choices now.

[TaraMaiden]

With all due respect, you are a parent, no?...Why would you not be a bit prejudiced? I am not about giving someone the benefit of the doubt so easily.. How might you feel if you gave it your blessing and then found out six months later when you get a call from the police or the hospital?

 

I would do exactly what I advised the OP to do: Get as much info, and research if she wants to, but don't base her decisions on what she's found out NOW, after 2 completely clear years with no problems, on something that happened when he was still really just a boy.

Remember that the USA legals system seems to be very harsh in some cases, where harshness isn't warranted. Like giving that young boy a custodial sentence for that joke line he made on FB about killing someone? He never laid a finger on anyone, yet the furore surrounding that was immense.

Now, here we have a guy who was already punished and the whole thing has blown over, and hasn't figured for 2 years - yet everyone here is condemning him like a 21stCentury Charles Manson....

 

I dunno, I am not against second chances, but I dont want to play the "ifs and buts" when it comes to my own kid..And you and I both know kids can be gullible, naive, and dumb at this age and not recognize warning signals..

Then be vigilant by all means, but trust them enough to be sensible, and to make their own final decisions on things.

If they're old enough to phukk, they're old enough to chart their own course.

 

Remember he was 2 years younger than 'this age' when all this happened.

There's been a lot of healing water under the bridge since then......

[Drseussgrrl]

I would do exactly what I advised the OP to do: Get as much info, and research if she wants to, but don't base her decisions on what she's found out NOW, after 2 completely clear years with no problems, on something that happened when he was still really just a boy.

Remember that the USA legals system seems to be very harsh in some cases, where harshness isn't warranted. Like giving that young boy a custodial sentence for that joke line he made on FB about killing someone? He never laid a finger on anyone, yet the furore surrounding that was immense.

Now, here we have a guy who was already punished and the whole thing has blown over, and hasn't figured for 2 years - yet everyone here is condemning him like a 21stCentury Charles Manson....

 

 

Then be vigilant by all means, but trust them enough to be sensible, and to make their own final decisions on things.

If they're old enough to phukk, they're old enough to chart their own course.

 

Remember he was 2 years younger than 'this age' when all this happened.

There's been a lot of healing water under the bridge since then......

 

I agree with all of this as far as being this young man's family member or friend.

 

But as someone to date? Not a chance in hell. Sorry, but I come first, as does my emotional and physical well-being. Those are things I can't afford to take a chance on.

 

And - I'd say the same thing to my daughter.

[MidwestUSA]

I used to immediately dismiss (for dating purposes) anyone who had a "adult abuse (with or without stalking)" charge on their record. Come to find out, that charge reads exactly the same for anyone who has had a woman trot to the courthouse with $100 in hand to file it against him. My husband has such charge on his record, the ex was indeed a looney (and did eight years in the pen) and now an upstanding family man has this out there for anyone to read.

 

Maybe playing devil's advocate here, but just sayin'. He's not the only case where a woman's word has stood because she was the one the court system believed.

[smile1983]

Be careful. My ex didn't seem like the violent type when we were dating either. I did find out that he had been arrested for DV but he explained it away. Also the woman who it was against had dropped the charges so I figured it was nothing. Fast forward a couple of years into our relationship and he's throwing objects whenever he gets mad. It escalated from there. There were a couple of times when I felt like he might kill me. Your guy could be controlling himself for now but it may escalate down the road. Yes, sometimes a woman falsely accuses a guy of abuse when he has not done anything to her. More often, a man lies about having done it.

[soccerrprp]

But as someone to date? Not a chance in hell. Sorry, but I come first, as does my emotional and physical well-being. Those are things I can't afford to take a chance on.

 

And - I'd say the same thing to my daughter.

 

Good point. I have a daughter and if she came home informing of this about a bf, I would counsel her to move on and find another nice guy w/o a felony or accusations of abuse hovering over him. There are plenty.

 

Also, as a man, if you have ANY felonies....that's a no go. Again, no need to try to figure things out or understand. There are plenty of people who have not placed themselves in such compromising positions to be accused and certainly as many who do not have a felony record.

[will1988]

Sorry - but, huge difference between being "accused" of something and then being found guilty of serious bodily injury that resulted in a felony conviction.

 

^^^^ This... if the girl was lying and or exagerating the case of the abuse (abuse is still abuse IMHO... whether a simple slap or a full beating... a simple slap will one day become a beating) and the evidence was poor (if any) or very circumstantial the case would have been dismissed, or he would have been convicted of much lesser charges.

[will1988]

Of course. He plead guilty. Made it easy. No need to be found guilty. I'm not saying that he IS guilty, just that the OP should be careful to the obvious facts:

 

1. HE, under the legal system, IS guilty of domestic assault. (by jury or plead)

2. He IS a felon.

3. She does not know his entire history

4. She does not know ALL of the facts and certainly not the victim's side of the story

5. And this is too important for her not to find out as much as she can and too important, IMHO, to simply give him the benefit of the doubt w/o being very cautious until she is satisfied.

 

To add a cynical twist, we ALL know that some guilty people plead out b/c they fear and want to avoid the more severe punishment. Again, not saying that he IS guilty....

 

The fact that he plead guilty to a FELONY domestic assault case means at the best they had evidence against him for something much worse and that was a plea deal!

[will1988]

I agree with all of this as far as being this young man's family member or friend.

 

But as someone to date? Not a chance in hell. Sorry, but I come first, as does my emotional and physical well-being. Those are things I can't afford to take a chance on.

 

And - I'd say the same thing to my daughter.

 

^^^ This

 

a lot of psychos and abusers can go dorment for years but then those underyling feelings creep back in...or he may just one day snap and beat you to a pulp or murder you! I am sorry, but IMHO once a criminal always a criminal... once an abuser, always an abuser! It is not worth taking the risk. A man should never lay a hand on a woman... If you want to punch or hit something, do it to the wall, smash objects etc.... don't smash a girl's jaw in! To me it takes a certain kind of low life scum bag to hit a woman (hence why I am no longer friends with one of my best friends... read my earlier post).

[will1988]

A lot of guys get screwed with this new mindset the police have. Some actually talk women into pressing charges when nothing happened.

 

If a guy truly beat the hell out of a woman he should have the book thrown at him and be stigmatized with a felony and a wife beater moniker for the rest of his life.

 

If its an arm grab or shove......get real, women slap guys all the time and we deal with it.

 

I would find out what really happened before you make your decision, only because he has treated you well so far and my gut says he got screwed by some psycho chick who wanted to get back at him for cheating or breaking up with her.

 

If he is an abuser drop the guy yesterday you don't need that in your life and neither do any potential kids you may have with him.

 

I agree with most of this... but a felony! a felony! he had to have caused actual noticable physical harm to get that sort of chare.

 

And yes, my fiance had slapped me and bit me a few times a few years ago... but to me, being a burly man, it did not hurt at all and felt more annoying than anything. I told her though, if she ever did that schidt again, even once, she can pack her stuff up and move back to appalachia! In all honesty, to me anyway, it is different if a woman slaps a man... i dunno. shrugs.

[boaaaar]

In 15 years, we'll throw cats and dogs in jail for violence against women. That's felony convictions for what they are really worth.

[Drseussgrrl]

In 15 years, we'll throw cats and dogs in jail for violence against women. That's felony convictions for what they are really worth.

 

Um - what?

[RogerWallace111]

^^^^ This... if the girl was lying and or exagerating the case of the abuse (abuse is still abuse IMHO... whether a simple slap or a full beating... a simple slap will one day become a beating) and the evidence was poor (if any) or very circumstantial the case would have been dismissed, or he would have been convicted of much lesser charges.

 

Not true AT ALL. At least in the U.S., the woman is almost always taken at her word. Here's an example:

 

 

Well when I reported domestic violence, and assaults on children I went to the police armed with evidence (including photos). The results were more than I ever expected... 1) Mother denied the allegations - even to the point of talking to police of social services... SO.. 2) I was evicted from the home. 3) I was the one convicted (the Judge actually and loudly pronounced me guilty BEFORE the first evidence was heard - according to the Criminal Case Review Commission this is part of a 'fair' trail' in the 'Family' Court system) 4) I nearly lost my job 5) I was warned by social services that if I EVER reported against the mother, or other mother again they would make sure I never got out of prison. The system has been designed to protect women full stop - to hell with guilt or innocence on their part.

[TaraMaiden]

OK...Let's just review the OP's two first posts again....

 

I have been dating this guy for almost 5 months. Everything was going great. Hes sweet, hes funny, hes driven, and i thought he was the perfect guy for me. We were taking things slow and everything.

 

Today i found out he had a felony assault 3 domestic violence. I didn't even find this out from him. I found it out from a mutual friend who went to his high school.

 

When i approached him he claimed he tried to tell me but i said i didn't want to talk about our past. Which is true i did say that. But i didn't know he had something like this in his past...

 

He has never so much as raised his voice at me. And he really doesn't seem like the women hitting type. He told me he pushed his ex and grabbed her by the arm and that was it. He says she told the cops he hit her in the arm with a bat which is assault with a deadly weapon. He plead out to the lower charge because he was scared he would lose the case. At least that is what he claims.

 

The mutual friend said she didn't know his ex very well, but that the girl went all over school telling people that he beat her face in. They never saw her with any bruises or marks though. And a lot of people at there high school thought she was a lying because he broke up with her.

Idk what to think to be honest. He said quote "My felony conviction has done nothing but ruined my life. I lost everything after that. So if you want to leave, you can go to, i completely understand but i'm not that type of guy, and thats all i'm going to say on the subject"

 

Idk what to do. I'm scared that he might start hitting me. But hes never even shown an angry side. And hes also huge and he boxes so i feel like if he beat her up she would have had some bruises on her face at least.

 

He says he tried to tell me. He did bring up something about his ex when we very first met. I told him i didn't want to hear about any of that because he wouldn't be hearing about my past. And the thing is i have seen him in a million situations where any other dude would have snapped and went crazy. But he always keeps his cool and laughs it off.

Honestly i trusted him before this. I'm not so sure now.

 

What does him having a good job have to do with anything? He is only 20 years old. He goes to school, hes an aspiring novelist, hes a licensed real estate agent, and him and his father run an online store. Hes pretty successful currently. But hes already told me that he will never have a regular "9-5" job because thats just not him. Now i realize thats probably because he has a felony conviction on his record.

 

The crime was commited less than two years ago. Idk about him being reformed. He told me that he doesn't feel like he should have been convicted of a felony. He feels like he did wrong her by putting his hands on her period but that his assault was far from felonious. And if it happened how he says it happened i must say i agree with him. He also told me that hes happy he was convicted of this crime. He says jail changed his whole outlook on life. That it taught him patience and to never put his hands on ANYONE for any reason.

 

He is great with his nieces and nephews. They are all under 5 and he takes them out at least once a week. Buys them all nice outfits. And he even has a college fund set up for his younger sisters baby. She got pregnant at 15 and the dad isn't around.

 

With other peoples kids hes not too good. He doesn't really seem comfortable around them.

 

I honestly do not know what to do. Hes not a horrible guy. And if he had lied and said he hadn't done it i woulda believed him.

 

String the salient bits in bold together:

 

She's been dating him 5 months.

She has witnessed him 'in a million' situations where he could have lashed out in a temper but he 'laughed it off'.

 

The girl bore no marks on her and many thought she had been lying, because he dumped her. (and we all know how vengeful 'a woman scorned' can be....)

He gave her the option, openly, of going, if she wanted to, because the conviction has ruined his life.

He claims, also, that his prison experience made him a better man.

He's helping his sister and regularly takes his nieces and nephews out.

He has never - in 5 months, even so much as raised his voice to her.

He admitted everything, when he could have lied and she would have believed him.

he believes what he did was wrong.

 

This happened nearly 2 years ago, when he was around 18.

 

Has he not dated anyone else, since then?

 

Really, guys - add it all together.

With the fact that he's holding down a good job, in partnership with his dad, AND studying, and seems to be a very devoted man to his family....

I just can't see this guy fitting the "wife-beater" category.

[MidwestUSA]

Yea, Roger, it's sad. My best friend found the love of her life only to have INS deport him (three months after their wedding) for an old trumped up charge a bitter ex had filed against him. Didn't have the time and money to fight the court system, and don't think too much of it. They dredged it up years later. Now, certainly bad on him for not getting his citizenship in the meantime.