LeahLoves Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I have been dating this guy for almost 5 months. Everything was going great. Hes sweet, hes funny, hes driven, and i thought he was the perfect guy for me. We were taking things slow and everything. Today i found out he had a felony assault 3 domestic violence. I didn't even find this out from him. I found it out from a mutual friend who went to his high school. When i approached him he claimed he tried to tell me but i said i didn't want to talk about our past. Which is true i did say that. But i didn't know he had something like this in his past... He has never so much as raised his voice at me. And he really doesn't seem like the women hitting type. He told me he pushed his ex and grabbed her by the arm and that was it. He says she told the cops he hit her in the arm with a bat which is assault with a deadly weapon. He plead out to the lower charge because he was scared he would lose the case. At least that is what he claims. The mutual friend said she didn't know his ex very well, but that the girl went all over school telling people that he beat her face in. They never saw her with any bruises or marks though. And a lot of people at there high school thought she was a lying because he broke up with her. Idk what to think to be honest. He said quote "My felony conviction has done nothing but ruined my life. I lost everything after that. So if you want to leave, you can go to, i completely understand but i'm not that type of guy, and thats all i'm going to say on the subject" Idk what to do. I'm scared that he might start hitting me. But hes never even shown an angry side. And hes also huge and he boxes so i feel like if he beat her up she would have had some bruises on her face at least.
Tinie Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I think it was wrong of him to hide that. Yeah you said something about not mentioning pasts, but if I was dating a guy like that, that's something I'd DEFINITELY want him to mention. People who don't seem like abusers- it doesn't mean they are not. Frequently I see on TV convicted rapists, but they don't look like rapists. Just because you haven't seen a bad side yet doesn't mean it's not there. What he says could be true. What does your gut say about this? Do you trust him? 2
darkmoon Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I would be scared too, idk, he has a criminal record, unless he has a good job now... how long ago was the crime committed?...does he seem like a man with reformed morals?...I feel scared, but I have not met him...is he good with kids?
Star Gazer Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I wouldn't date a man with any sort of felony conviction, but especially not one involving abuse. Was he tried and convicted by a jury, or did he plea? Do you know? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Get all the details...She could have been a nut job and he wound up with an assault charge for just defending himself against her..Ive seen it happen..Most good sized guys can inflict a lot of damage on the average sized woman without much effort at all.. That being said, if you found out he hit her or threw her down a flight of stairs..Drop him on his head...You dont need that crap..Also realize that someone with a felony assault charge is going to have a hard time getting and keeping a job and also will have a hard time getting credit...I know people going through this now..A felony is no joke.. TFY 3
Author LeahLoves Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 I think it was wrong of him to hide that. Yeah you said something about not mentioning pasts, but if I was dating a guy like that, that's something I'd DEFINITELY want him to mention. People who don't seem like abusers- it doesn't mean they are not. Frequently I see on TV convicted rapists, but they don't look like rapists. Just because you haven't seen a bad side yet doesn't mean it's not there. What he says could be true. What does your gut say about this? Do you trust him? He says he tried to tell me. He did bring up something about his ex when we very first met. I told him i didn't want to hear about any of that because he wouldn't be hearing about my past. And the thing is i have seen him in a million situations where any other dude would have snapped and went crazy. But he always keeps his cool and laughs it off. Honestly i trusted him before this. I'm not so sure now. I would be scared too, idk, he has a criminal record, unless he has a good job now... how long ago was the crime committed?...does he seem like a man with reformed morals?...I feel scared, but I have not met him...is he good with kids? What does him having a good job have to do with anything? He is only 20 years old. He goes to school, hes an aspiring novelist, hes a licensed real estate agent, and him and his father run an online store. Hes pretty successful currently. But hes already told me that he will never have a regular "9-5" job because thats just not him. Now i realize thats probably because he has a felony conviction on his record. The crime was commited less than two years ago. Idk about him being reformed. He told me that he doesn't feel like he should have been convicted of a felony. He feels like he did wrong her by putting his hands on her period but that his assault was far from felonious. And if it happened how he says it happened i must say i agree with him. He also told me that hes happy he was convicted of this crime. He says jail changed his whole outlook on life. That it taught him patience and to never put his hands on ANYONE for any reason. He is great with his nieces and nephews. They are all under 5 and he takes them out at least once a week. Buys them all nice outfits. And he even has a college fund set up for his younger sisters baby. She got pregnant at 15 and the dad isn't around. With other peoples kids hes not too good. He doesn't really seem comfortable around them. I honestly do not know what to do. Hes not a horrible guy. And if he had lied and said he hadn't done it i woulda believed him.
happywithlife Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Typically, I would say run for the hills, but in this case I am going to ask a few questions first. How old are you and what has your relationship history been like? If you are young or do not have a history of developing meaningful, balanced relationships its probably not a good idea. If you are older and this took place a long time ago coupled with the fact you are good at maintaining boundaries, them you could proceed with caution. I was married to a mentally and verbally abusive person. It taught me a lot. One thing is that manipulative people (like my ex and maybe his ex) have a way of making them out to be the victim even if they are not. Then again he may have really hurt her. Or he may be the manipulator and is feeding you lies about the situation. The only person who can look at the situation is you. Does he have a good relationship with his family and friends? Does he have a good, steady job? Does he have an active life with healthy hobbies? If so and you know what a good relationship looks like, give it a try. If he has excuses as to why he hates his family and can't keep friends. If nothing is ever his fault. Or if you tend towards being dependent in relationships, run. 1
dasein Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 A woman entered our social circle after getting a divorce. She had been "abused" and had used that in the divorce to put him in jail and get a favorable settlement. He was a large guy and according to her had beaten holes in the sheetrock all over their house. She was hot, and one of my friends started dating her. We all listened to her stories and consoled her, promising to give that guy "what for" if we ever met him. She turned out to be a raging, violent alcoholic. I saw her hit, kick and slap my friend on numerous occasions, constantly fall and hurt herself when drunk. We ended up finding out more about the situation, and it was actually her, not her ex, who put all the holes in the house... which we found out he had built himself as the contractor and loved that house more than anything. Trust your eyes and common sense OP. Felonious assaults with robbery, deadly weapon, burglarly, etc., sure run. Not "domestic abuse" in this day and age though, not without more. Way too much chicanery in that area of the law today until you know the facts as facts. Good luck whatever you decide. 8
ChessPieceFace Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I think it was wrong of him to hide that. Maybe he should wear a T-shirt to every first date that reads "I was convicted of felony assault"? ... OP, his hiding it is understandable since you said you didn't want to talk about your past. His story is plausible but you can't take him at his word on this. Find a way to find out for sure. 4
bubbaganoosh Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not a lawyer and never played one on TV but wouldn't a transcript of the hearing be available to the public, kind of like going to a court house and looking up someone's transcript of divorce. It might shed some light on what really happened? It's worth a try at least. There is one more thing. Maybe he was the same smart, witty, charming kind of guy when he was with his ex gf. I'm not saying that he's guilty but you should err on the side of caution before you go plunging in head first with him. Maybe she made trumped up charges but there is a chance that they were true. Please be careful.
undercover_lover Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I'd say, don't jump the gun. You don't know both sides of the story, her side is all hearsay. I would never advise you stay with anyone that could harm you but so long as he has never given you any implication of violence you should take it step by step. Maybe you two should work on communication. Knowing your partners past is beneficial and will help you avoid these pitfalls in the future. Try to be more open minded in that aspect and listen if he initiates. You are the best judge in your situation. If you feel uncomfortable knowing he has that felony, you have the right to walk away as well. No worries! 2
FitChick Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Some people learn from their mistakes. Only time will tell.
soccerrprp Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I'd say, don't jump the gun. You don't know both sides of the story, her side is all hearsay. I would never advise you stay with anyone that could harm you but so long as he has never given you any implication of violence you should take it step by step. Maybe you two should work on communication. Knowing your partners past is beneficial and will help you avoid these pitfalls in the future. Try to be more open minded in that aspect and listen if he initiates. You are the best judge in your situation. If you feel uncomfortable knowing he has that felony, you have the right to walk away as well. No worries! Interesting that you say that she doesn't know "both" sides of the story and bring doubt to story of the only person that cannot answer to anything in this thread nor defend herself....the alleged victim of domestic violence. Her side is hearsay, but his is not? The OP has been hearing ONLY one-side of the story...HIS. Whatever the OP knows of the victim is coming from HIM. I think you, OP, should be careful and try to find out whatever you can. Oftentimes, abusers are adept at hiding their undesirable propensities until it's too late for the next victim. He has a felony. He pleaded guilty to a lesser charge b/c he was not confident he could win. You and no other person on this forum knows the entire truth of what happened. You trust him to some degree, but really, based on what? His keeping his felony from you? B/c he hasn't yelled or hit you yet? It could very well be that he got the short end of the justice stick, but don't take any chances. Find out more and if it still bothers you, leave. 1
undercover_lover Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Interesting that you say that she doesn't know "both" sides of the story and bring doubt to story of the only person that cannot answer to anything in this thread nor defend herself....the alleged victim of domestic violence. Her side is hearsay, but his is not? The OP has been hearing ONLY one-side of the story...HIS. Whatever the OP knows of the victim is coming from HIM. I think you, OP, should be careful and try to find out whatever you can. Oftentimes, abusers are adept at hiding their undesirable propensities until it's too late for the next victim. He has a felony. He pleaded guilty to a lesser charge b/c he was not confident he could win. You and no other person on this forum knows the entire truth of what happened. You trust him to some degree, but really, based on what? His keeping his felony from you? B/c he hasn't yelled or hit you yet? It could very well be that he got the short end of the justice stick, but don't take any chances. Find out more and if it still bothers you, leave. I don't understand how I brought doubt to the story of the victim. If anything I was rather passive aggressive in my response and my intention was to inform OP that she doesn't know the full spectrum of the story. I was simply stating my opinion that she should find the facts and then make an informed decision based upon that. Not based upon something she was only told by others. That's my advice, take it or leave it. Anyway, OP should be aware but seek out further information about this incident. Too little details to make a rational judgement about someone, I believe. 1
charlietheginger Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 What did she do that pissed him off so bad he grabbed her Arm and pushed her down. Ive had to defend myself from my drunk exwife attacking me I had to grab her hands restrain her on the couch. Once she got so crazy chasing me with a bottle i had to Knock her down . so lets be real here a guy doesn't just walk into a room Grab a women by the arm and push her down..... Something must have instigated him 1
Tinie Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Maybe he should wear a T-shirt to every first date that reads "I was convicted of felony assault"? ... OP, his hiding it is understandable since you said you didn't want to talk about your past. His story is plausible but you can't take him at his word on this. Find a way to find out for sure. Ok I knew someone would say that. But if you were in the OPs shoes, wouldn't you want to know about this? I sure as hell would. I don't know what would have been a good way to bring it up, but that is something I would want to know if I was dating a guy with that kind of background. 1
MrRightNow Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 His ex probably though he was a "sweet" guy too until he beat the **** out of her. Yeah, dump him. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 His ex probably though he was a "sweet" guy too until he beat the **** out of her. Yeah, dump him. Oh, Bullschytt. jeesh, people, do the maths! The guy was 18 - the girl was probably equally immature! At that age, nobody's brain is 'fully cooked' yet! I tend to believe it was a mountain out of a molehill. The guy doesn't give one single clue, at all, that he would give in to his violent tendencies and beat the OP up! OP - I'd sure, if you want to, do more in-depth investigating, but remember these people were young and impressionable. At that age, I think she probably DID over-react, or maybe the action was encouraged by her parents.... who knows? I'd relax, but stay alert to signs. Don't walk on egg-shells, but lodge this at the back of your mind. Violence in relationships is not 'out of the blue' sudden and aggressively violent. It has more of a tendency to escalate and worsen (if left unhindered and un-checked, of course). if you feel safe and secure in his arms, then in all likelihood, you are. At the very first sign of a temper that's liable to get out of control - leave. I'm talking, gripping your arm, closing his fists, gritting his teeth, pacing, avoiding eye contact, being irrationally angry. Those, are signs. A heated argument, is not a 'sign'. If all people took a heated argument as signs of physical abuse, we'd have virtually no relationships. 7
RogerWallace111 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 It's worth keeping in mind that if a woman wants a man to be charged with a crime against her, he will be. There are, without a doubt, hundreds/thousands of men in jail tonight around the world for simply trying to restrain their wife or girlfriend while she had a tantrum. I say that with all due respect to victims of actual violence/abuse. But it's gotta be the most common charge for an innocent male to be found guilty of. Her word will always trump his. Considering you've seen him stay calm through situations others might lose it in, he's involved so heavily with the children in his family, he's given you no reason to wonder prior, and his ex was notably never seen with any marks after claiming to have her face smashed in- I, in your shoes, would choose to be trusting and believe him. Sh*t it's possible he may have cheated on his ex or done something else shameful to spark her vendetta, but can't bring himself to reveal that detail to you... I'm gonna lead towards giving him the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, the simple word conviction sounds so official that it hard to get past, but it really doesn't make it true by any stretch of the imagination.
Leigh 87 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 uhhhh. YEAH?! I read the title of the thread and that is all I needed to read.. And that is all I have to say
thefooloftheyear Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 To be honest here, as the protective father of a daughter, I can say one thing thats for sure..I am going to pull this kid aside and get right in his face and tell him in no uncertain terms that even if he thinks about laying a hand on my daughter, that I am going to have a manslaughter charge against me...On that he can count on... Again, get all the details and err on the side of caution..Where there is smoke there is very likely to be fire..If its a bogus deal, then you can proceed with caution..Eh, maybe its just not worth all the trouble...Like I said earlier, he is going to have a hell of a time getting/keeping a job with a felony rap... TFY 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I don't know the law on this, but if you're talking about a felony charge then I'm assuming that's got to have some pretty serious evidence of a beating there, now just a scratch or a few bumps here and there. Hopefully I'm not assuming too much, but felony seems like a pretty hefty charge even for a domestic violence issue without any evidence to back it up, I don't know if they throw those out like candy...so that's a pretty serious matter, the fact that you haven't seen this abuse 5 months in is not necessarily a deterrent, people are sometime very good at hiding their issues and repressing them until they explode somewhere down the line...by then you just think it's the cause of something else or baffled by it, thinking that you played some part of it and take ownership of the behavior when it was really something that person has an issue with all along...I would imagine the majority of people would be turned-off by violent behavior in the beginning of the relationship, I would think at least the "smart" ones for lack of a better term at the moment, would at least wait to slap you around until they felt comfortable in behaving in that manner...where as otherwise people might show their true colors earlier on who are not trying to manage or keep it in the shadows. At any rate it requires further investigation in my opinion and I think that's a bit silly to give someone the "benefit of the doubt" after only knowing them 5 months...why do people think that just because it's a romantic relationship they know them so much better as an individual? you're still only seeing one side of a person that early on and your feelings cloud better judgment. IF you do continue to see this guy because you can't see him doing this or that and all of that jazz, then at least let him know just for the record that If he ever does act out violently with you in the slightest way you're going to be done with the relationship completely...and most importantly you must mean it and actually do it. The situation here is he was young, sounds like a very childish time in his life and there are girls that can be batshet crazy, I know that for a fact and need no convincing of that...I've seen women do a lot of crazy crap just to get back at a guy or because they have some major issues, even being the abusers themselves...however for him to stay in a situation like that and be apart of it, then on top of it be slapped with a felony charge is very concerning, definitely not water under the bridge...basically If I were you in your shoes I would in fact judge him and move on for it...I wouldn't take the risk, especially since his explanation was short and you had to bring up the issue because you found out through a friend, I don't think he's accepted his role or even understands the situation very well and what went wrong with it, but I'm assuming you're looking for a mature man to date...not some troubled unaware guy who claims it was all her fault and didn't want to take the responsibility of being open about it himself before you found out somewhere else. 3
charlietheginger Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 To be honest here, as the protective father of a daughter, I can say one thing thats for sure..I am going to pull this kid aside and get right in his face and tell him in no uncertain terms that even if he thinks about laying a hand on my daughter, that I am going to have a manslaughter charge against me...On that he can count on... Again, get all the details and err on the side of caution..Where there is smoke there is very likely to be fire..If its a bogus deal, then you can proceed with caution..Eh, maybe its just not worth all the trouble...Like I said earlier, he is going to have a hell of a time getting/keeping a job with a felony rap... TFY So your gonna grab the guy get in his face ? You think this is ok? Yet when the guy grabbed his ex he went to jail...
Recommended Posts