Returning a phone call or text etiquette

[Treasa]

 

There are people out there who read a text, and decide "I'm not going to answer them," and then continue on with their lives. That's inconsiderate any way you want to spin it. Do they owe that person something? No. But it's about being considerate.

 

There are exceptions, of course. Like when my "friend" texted and called me at 1am because he was having woman problems. Which is pretty much the only time he contacts me. I had work the next day, and I didn't reply to him. I don't feel bad about it, either.

[Treasa]

I guess I just disagree about the importance of texts. To me, they are like emails. I will reply when it's good for me to reply.

 

Remember the days back when people only talked on the phone or in person and weren't connected somehow for every moment of the day? That was HEALTHY behavior. Not being available to people all the time is a good thing for me. Now, if it's an emergency or important, of course they know how to get hold of me if they really need to. But I don't feel like it's inconsiderate if someone texts or calls me and I don't jump at the chance to get back at them. Same as how I don't expect others to get back to me right away. People have lives.

[MrCastle]

There are exceptions, of course. Like when my "friend" texted and called me at 1am because he was having woman problems. Which is pretty much the only time he contacts me. I had work the next day, and I didn't reply to him. I don't feel bad about it, either.

 

There are of course exceptions and I'm speaking in general terms but, I feel this generation, this new age -- there is very little consideration or introspectiveness going on.

 

There is very little "how would I feel if I was the other person?" going on.

 

It's basically, do what you want, and disregard the feelings of others, and when necessary, just label them something when need be as opposed to actually taking what they said into account.

 

Someone gets mad you didn't answer a text? Bah, they're just needy! Or insecure! Or have no life! It's never "what did I do to make them feel this way -- or -- could I do a better job of being considerate?"

 

There's a guy from school who keeps texting me to hang out. I have no interest in being his friend. He's a good guy but he's socially awkward and it's just weird when I have to sit next to him in class. He's just weird. I can't explain it.

 

Anyway, he texts me every now and then asking how my summer is and if we can catch a movie or something. Every time I see a message from his name pop up on my phone I always say "ugh, this guy again." -- But I respond to his texts anyway because I put myself in his shoes. How would I feel if I was being friendly and trying to make conversation and the person completely ignored my text? So I answer him, we make small talk about how our summers are, and then I'll tell him something like "yeah man I'm just really busy. I'll let you know when I'm free to hang out."

 

After a few times of doing that, I think he got the message and has not texted me for a while now.

 

I would rather that, than just taking the easy way out and ignoring him anytime I saw a text from him. I just try to put myself in the other person's shoes and it seems like a lot of people don't do that.

 

When I talk about those people who ignore texts, they feel it's perfectly fine to ignore a text and then do other things on their phone like instagram or whatever. They don't say "will this look tacky if I ignore this guy's text but then continue doing stuff he's going to see since we're also instagram friends?" -- that thought never enters their mind. They don't care how the other person feels about it. They can't be bothered to empathize.

 

It's me me me, and that's all they're concerned about. Any form of criticism or static from an outside source gets written off with a label. "Oh he's just clingy," "oh he's just _____."

 

It's never "hmmm, is it possible he may have a point?"

Edited July 31, 2013 by MrCastle

[BradJacobs]

I don't need to "chill out" -- people need to have text etiquette.

 

Going back and forth for 20-30 minutes until a question is asked that you'd rather not answer, so you ignore the person completely is immature and poor taste.

 

Things like that need to be frowned upon as opposed to attacking the person who was waiting for an answer like "chill out, relax"

 

No. Have some class when it comes to communicating with another human being.

Odd. So you're demanding people meet YOUR communication needs and labeling anything else as basically rude?

 

Ha!

 

I'm not compatible with heavy texters. I have no desire to engage in conversations of any substance or depth with a 140 character limit. Pick up the phone if it's important else I'll get back to you when I can and want to.

Edited July 31, 2013 by BradJacobs

[MrCastle]

Odd. So you're demanding people meet YOUR communication needs and labeling anything else as basically rude?

 

Ha!

 

I'm not compatible with heavy texters. I have no desire to engage in conversations of any substance of depth with a 140 character limit. Pick up the phone if it's important else I'll get back to you when I can and want to.

 

I think my communication needs aren't asking for a whole lot.

 

If I ask on Thursday night "are we still down for dinner tomorrow?"

 

I expect it to be answered. With a yes or a no.

 

If it's no, don't ignore it because the answer is no and you're trying to spare an awkward moment. Be an adult, be courteous and tell me what the story is so I can plan accordingly.

[Treasa]

I think my communication needs aren't asking for a whole lot.

 

If I ask on Thursday night "are we still down for dinner tomorrow?"

 

I expect it to be answered. With a yes or a no.

 

If it's no, don't ignore it because the answer is no and you're trying to spare an awkward moment. Be an adult, be courteous and tell me what the story is so I can plan accordingly.

 

I agree. Although I still tell people to call or email me.

 

That being said, why not just tell this creepy guy that you aren't really interested in having a friendship with him? Otherwise you're "sparing an awkward moment" and returning his texts may make him think you're either pretending to like him, or they may keep him thinking you actually are friends, when you aren't. And you know I luvs ya.

 

I realize I'm diverting a bit, but I don't think it's as easy to just label someone as rude just because they don't reply to a text, but they're using FB. I almost always use FB while I'm on my computer, not on my phone, and my phone is often nowhere near me.

[soccerrprp]

Speaking for myself, I am a very busy person. I do a lot in my day. Work all day, take kids to events/functions, cook, clean, work some more, date, take kids on outings during the weekends, get together with friends, etc. And yet, when I voluntarily accepted the reality of todays expectation of technology as a means of communication, I use it to my advantage, but also with being consistent with my natural preference for communication. AND find the time to respond to communication where response is expected in a reasonable amount of time.

 

I get it when people are aware of your communication style, but that does not necessarily mean it is welcome. It could very well be that they have accustomed and acquiesced, not supported your inconsistent, inconsistent form or communication.

 

I suppose what some are saying is that in the absence of today's technology and/or before it, they were already inconsiderate in terms of communicating back. Well, if so, then nothing more to say about that.

 

I consider myself a very good communicator and it shows whether I use text, email, phone. Some people are not good communicators. It shows whether they use text, email or phone. It's okay to admit that....

[MrCastle]

I agree. Although I still tell people to call or email me.

 

That being said, why not just tell this creepy guy that you aren't really interested in having a friendship with him? Otherwise you're "sparing an awkward moment" and returning his texts may make him think you're either pretending to like him, or they may keep him thinking you actually are friends, when you aren't. And you know I luvs ya.[/Quote]

 

I don't have it in me to tell someone straight up it's not working out as a friendship or relationship. Unless they wronged me. Then I wreak havoc like a textbook scorpio does. But if that's not the case, I can't crush someone like that and basically tell them "I don't like you and I have my reasons." That's like kicking a puppy.

 

I realize I'm diverting a bit, but I don't think it's as easy to just label someone as rude just because they don't reply to a text, but they're using FB. I almost always use FB while I'm on my computer, not on my phone, and my phone is often nowhere near me.

 

Because when you use facebook on your phone, it tells people. And if not facebook, instagram, because you can only upload from your phone.

 

But as I was saying before in the last post -- don't leave people hanging if it's clearly a message that needs to be answered. I am fully aware there are varying levels of texts in regards to what is reply worthy. I think "are we still down for tomorrow?" Is reply worthy.

 

When the person doesn't reply, I find that to be rude. You're keeping them in limbo by not saying yes or no. Again, if it's no, tell me so I can make alternate plans. Don't just leave it in the air and make it seem like all I need to do is wait for your response.

 

And for those who will inevitably quote me and say "why not call them?"

 

How about they call me? I texted them, I made the initial contact. Ball is in their court now. I am not their keeper. They have a responsibility as an adult to either text or call me back with an answer. I think it would look worse if they ignored the text and then I called them up to ask. After that first contact, it's up to the other person.

[Treasa]

I'm not disagreeing with anything you said (by the way, DO we have dinner plans tomorrow? I haven't checked my phone today), but I'm just saying that I don't think it's necessarily rude in other circumstances. If someone texts me just to chitchat, I don't feel the need to get back to them right away. Chances are I don't even KNOW they texted me right away. I do agree it's on me to get back to them, though.

[MrCastle]

Speaking for myself, I am a very busy person. I do a lot in my day. Work all day, take kids to events/functions, cook, clean, work some more, date, take kids on outings during the weekends, get together with friends, etc. And yet, when I voluntarily accepted the reality of todays expectation of technology as a means of communication, I use it to my advantage, but also with being consistent with my natural preference for communication. AND find the time to respond to communication where response is expected in a reasonable amount of time.

 

I get it when people are aware of your communication style, but that does not necessarily mean it is welcome. It could very well be that they have accustomed and acquiesced, not supported your inconsistent, inconsistent form or communication.

 

I suppose what some are saying is that in the absence of today's technology and/or before it, they were already inconsiderate in terms of communicating back. Well, if so, then nothing more to say about that.

 

I consider myself a very good communicator and it shows whether I use text, email, phone. Some people are not good communicators. It shows whether they use text, email or phone. It's okay to admit that....

 

This this this.

 

But apparently it's not okay to admit it.

 

It is okay, to label anybody who feels differently about your communicating style.

 

Why look at yourself and for one second question how good you are at responding to people (text or otherwise) when you can draw up a hilarious image of the person on the other line being an insecure mess that punches holes in the wall when you ignore their important question? It's just easier that way.

[Treasa]

This this this.

 

But apparently it's not okay to admit it.

 

It is okay, to label anybody who feels differently about your communicating style.

 

Why look at yourself and for one second question how good you are at responding to people (text or otherwise) when you can draw up a hilarious image of the person on the other line being an insecure mess that punches holes in the wall when you ignore their important question? It's just easier that way.

 

Then that means that the heavy texters aren't insecure, and the non-heavy texters aren't rude. I don't think you can have it one way and not the other. It depends on that person's perspective.

 

Take my father. Sometimes he will contact me, and I will go days before replying. I am hesitant to at times. He pretty much didn't want anything to do with me growing up, except to molest me, so now he has to play by my rules. He does, because now he wants to be a part of my life. I'm not trying to be rude to him. I just find it hard to reply to him sometimes, and I've let him know that. Doesn't stop him from getting all anxious and, yes, insecure, though.

[MrCastle]

I'm not disagreeing with anything you said (by the way, DO we have dinner plans tomorrow? I haven't checked my phone today), but I'm just saying that I don't think it's necessarily rude in other circumstances. If someone texts me just to chitchat, I don't feel the need to get back to them right away. Chances are I don't even KNOW they texted me right away. I do agree it's on me to get back to them, though.

 

And that's the other part. The people I speak of usually don't share that sentiment. Some people feel that it's on the other person to do all the work.

 

You would think the person would say "they were the last one to initiate contact, they asked about our plans for tomorrow, let me respond."

 

But that thought never enters their mind. It's just selfish. It's "I'm gonna do whatever I feel like doing, as it suits me, and if the other person has a problem wih it then it's their problem."

 

They take no responsibility for their actions.

 

They want to ignore texts but then get defensive when someone calls them out on it.

[Treasa]

And that's the other part. The people I speak of usually don't share that sentiment. Some people feel that it's on the other person to do all the work.

 

You would think the person would say "they were the last one to initiate contact, they asked about our plans for tomorrow, let me respond."

 

But that thought never enters their mind. It's just selfish. It's "I'm gonna do whatever I feel like doing, as it suits me, and if the other person has a problem wih it then it's their problem."

 

They take no responsibility for their actions.

 

They want to ignore texts but then get defensive when someone calls them out on it.

 

I think you're referring to the third group of people, who don't want to communicate, but also don't really make that clear. I just don't know if the rest of us can be lumped in with them. I am very far from inconsiderate, and I am very prompt. I'm just not a heavy texter, nor do I spend a ton of my time communicating over the phone. I do enough of it at my workplace.

[MrCastle]

Then that means that the heavy texters aren't insecure, and the non-heavy texters aren't rude. I don't think you can have it one way and not the other. It depends on that person's perspective.

 

Take my father. Sometimes he will contact me, and I will go days before replying. I am hesitant to at times. He pretty much didn't want anything to do with me growing up, except to molest me, so now he has to play by my rules. He does, because now he wants to be a part of my life. I'm not trying to be rude to him. I just find it hard to reply to him sometimes, and I've let him know that. Doesn't stop him from getting all anxious and, yes, insecure, though.

 

It's not about heavy vs not. Because volume isn't the problem. It's not a matter of quantity but of quality.

 

Of course not everything is going to be answered. You don't talk forever and ever. The conversation comes to an end at some point.

 

At some point, someone is going to make a statement like "really? I like the color blue more than red," and not get answered because it doesn't have to be answered.

 

But if you get a text saying "are we still on for tonight?" and you read it, acknowledge it, and decide to post pictures on instagram and not answer the text at all, isn't that rude? Doesn't the other person have a right to be miffed?

 

Off topic: Also I'm sorry to hear about the molestation stuff. Hopefully you have been able to move past it without it affecting your life.

[Treasa]

It's not about heavy vs not. Because volume isn't the problem. It's not a matter of quantity but of quality.

 

Of course not everything is going to be answered. You don't talk forever and ever. The conversation comes to an end at some point.

 

At some point, someone is going to make a statement like "really? I like the color blue more than red," and not get answered because it doesn't have to be answered.

 

But if you get a text saying "are we still on for tonight?" and you read it, acknowledge it, and decide to post pictures on instagram and not answer the text at all, isn't that rude? Doesn't the other person have a right to be miffed?

 

Off topic: Also I'm sorry to hear about the molestation stuff. Hopefully you have been able to move past it without it affecting your life.

 

Yeah, I moved on from it a long time ago. I still don't feel comfortable with my father, though.

 

By the way, it's been five minutes since I emailed you, and I KNOW you're on LS posting. Why no response yet?

[MrCastle]

Yeah, I moved on from it a long time ago. I still don't feel comfortable with my father, though.

 

By the way, it's been five minutes since I emailed you, and I KNOW you're on LS posting. Why no response yet?

 

Calm down. Geez. So insecure

[Treasa]

Calm down. Geez. So insecure

 

Well if you wouldn't be so rude..

[sweetjasmine]

It's basically, do what you want, and disregard the feelings of others, and when necessary, just label them something when need be as opposed to actually taking what they said into account.

 

Someone gets mad you didn't answer a text? Bah, they're just needy! Or insecure! Or have no life! It's never "what did I do to make them feel this way -- or -- could I do a better job of being considerate?"

 

Erm, isn't it the same thing the other way around? You text someone, and they don't text you back. Bah, they're being rude! You know they have 5 minutes of free time as they're walking from X back home!

 

If I ask on Thursday night "are we still down for dinner tomorrow?"

 

I expect it to be answered. With a yes or a no.

 

If it's no, don't ignore it because the answer is no and you're trying to spare an awkward moment. Be an adult, be courteous and tell me what the story is so I can plan accordingly.

 

This is true regardless of the form of communication. Again, it has nothing to do with texting. Even if you asked via freaking smoke signal, it requires a response.

[MrCastle]

Erm, isn't it the same thing the other way around? You text someone, and they don't text you back. Bah, they're being rude! You know they have 5 minutes of free time as they're walking from X back home!

 

 

 

This is true regardless of the form of communication. Again, it has nothing to do with texting. Even if you asked via freaking smoke signal, it requires a response.

 

It absolutely has to do with texting because it's the only medium in which being a douche is accepted.

 

If I told you I asked someone in person if we were still down for our date the next night and they looked at me and didn't answer or walked away, you would say "wow how rude."

 

If I told you I asked someone over the phone if we were still down for our date the next night and I got remote silence or they hung up the phone, you would say "wow how rude."

 

If I told you I texted someone and asked them if we were still down for our date the next night and they didn't answer, I'd get what I've been getting the entire thread:

 

"dude, relax."

 

"dude, stop acting entitled, people don't owe you anything."

 

"dude, stop being needy"

 

"dude, it's not a big deal. people text when they want."

 

The reason for that, is because texting is impersonal. So people feel the same courteous rules don't apply. In person you see and hear them. Over the phone you hear them. There is some level of recognizing you are talking to another human being. Through text, it's just words on a screen and people tend to forget that the same rules of having manners should apply. It is a form of communication, after all. No matter how silly or unimportant it may seem. Communication is communication. If people fail to communicate with me, we have an issue.

[Treasa]

It absolutely has to do with texting because it's the only medium in which being a douche is accepted.

 

If I told you I asked someone in person if we were still down for our date the next night and they looked at me and didn't answer or walked away, you would say "wow how rude."

 

If I told you I asked someone over the phone if we were still down for our date the next night and I got remote silence or they hung up the phone, you would say "wow how rude."

 

If I told you I texted someone and asked them if we were still down for our date the next night and they didn't answer, I'd get what I've been getting the entire thread:

 

"dude, relax."

 

"dude, stop acting entitled, people don't owe you anything."

 

"dude, stop being needy"

 

"dude, it's not a big deal. people text when they want."

 

The reason for that, is because texting is impersonal. So people feel the same courteous rules don't apply. In person you see and hear them. Over the phone you hear them. There is some level of recognizing you are talking to another human being. Through text, it's just words on a screen and people tend to forget that the same rules of having manners should apply. It is a form of communication, after all. No matter how silly or unimportant it may seem. Communication is communication. If people fail to communicate with me, we have an issue.

 

But wait a minute...when you're talking to someone in the moment or by phone, you KNOW they are right there and can hear you. When you're texting, you have no idea if they're busy, just got bad news about a loved one, whatever.

 

I realize these are exceptions again, but texts are more like emails. They're meant for when immediate response is not necessary. Well, in my case, at least.

[clia]

But as I was saying before in the last post -- don't leave people hanging if it's clearly a message that needs to be answered. I am fully aware there are varying levels of texts in regards to what is reply worthy. I think "are we still down for tomorrow?" Is reply worthy.

 

When the person doesn't reply, I find that to be rude. You're keeping them in limbo by not saying yes or no. Again, if it's no, tell me so I can make alternate plans. Don't just leave it in the air and make it seem like all I need to do is wait for your response.

 

I agree with this. If you ask a question that requires answering (such as confirming plans) and they never answer, yes, that's rude. Then again, if you don't get a response in what you perceive to be a reasonable amount of time for you, I guess you can assume that you aren't down for tomorrow and should go ahead and make alternate plans. Or maybe they are determining whether you are, in fact, still down for tomorrow so they don't have an answer for you yet and will get in touch with you later. If you need an immediate response, don't wait until the last minute to ask. I think even for situations like that responding in 6-8 hours should be fine. But, I think that's a different situation than response times in general. I'm talking more about situations where the text doesn't really require a response, or there is nothing real urgent about the message therein.

 

I mean, just because it's convenient for you to text right now doesn't necessarily mean it's convenient for me. I find it rude that somehow I'm expected to drop everything and respond to a text the moment I see it when it may be inconvenient for me or I may not feel like answering at that very minute because I am doing something else -- even if that something happens to be checking Facebook or Instagram on my phone. Just because I have my phone in my hand I have to respond immediately? I'm curious what you think is a reasonable response time to a non-urgent type of text.

 

Before the days of texting there was no expectation that you immediately answer an e-mail just because you might happen to be sitting in front of your computer when it came in. Heck, I have days where I don't even answer my phone because I simply don't feel like talking to anyone. Everyone is different. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking to another person or being bothered -- even by text.

[Treasa]

Heck, I have days where I don't even answer my phone because I simply don't feel like talking to anyone.

 

Sorry, clia. I'll stop blowing up your phone on Saturdays.

 

Ok, seriously, I am the exact same way. Sometimes I don't want to communicate with ANYONE, and will only do so if it's important.

[Pyro]

I'm just going to call people by phone if I have anything to ask them.

 

This debate over texting is too much.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree with this. If you ask a question that requires answering (such as confirming plans) and they never answer, yes, that's rude. Then again, if you don't get a response in what you perceive to be a reasonable amount of time for you, I guess you can assume that you aren't down for tomorrow and should go ahead and make alternate plans. Or maybe they are determining whether you are, in fact, still down for tomorrow so they don't have an answer for you yet and will get in touch with you later. If you need an immediate response, don't wait until the last minute to ask. I think even for situations like that responding in 6-8 hours should be fine. But, I think that's a different situation than response times in general. I'm talking more about situations where the text doesn't really require a response, or there is nothing real urgent about the message therein.

 

I mean, just because it's convenient for you to text right now doesn't necessarily mean it's convenient for me. I find it rude that somehow I'm expected to drop everything and respond to a text the moment I see it when it may be inconvenient for me or I may not feel like answering at that very minute because I am doing something else -- even if that something happens to be checking Facebook or Instagram on my phone. Just because I have my phone in my hand I have to respond immediately? I'm curious what you think is a reasonable response time to a non-urgent type of text.

 

Before the days of texting there was no expectation that you immediately answer an e-mail just because you might happen to be sitting in front of your computer when it came in. Heck, I have days where I don't even answer my phone because I simply don't feel like talking to anyone. Everyone is different. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking to another person or being bothered -- even by text.

 

I used to have a rule in college where I wouldn't pick up the phone before 1 p.m., even if I was awake and right by it. Actually had a girlfriend that would call at 10:30 a.m. until I told her the rule. Bless her heart, she kept to it from then on out.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm just going to call people by phone if I have anything to ask them.

 

This debate over texting is too much.

 

Exactly. If it's important enough, I will call. I don't leave truly important things to text.