Returning a phone call or text etiquette

[Simon Phoenix]

I hate texting with a passion, it just makes me crazy, especially with the entitlement mentality it seems to breed. When I'm out and about I might have my phone in my hands at all times but when I'm at home, I usually put it face down on the counter for hours on end on silent. Sometimes it winds up in the couch or under my bed. I use my phone so little in the house I usually have to locate it via Apple's "Find My iPhone" feature at least once a day...

 

Therefore, I never get bent out of shape if someone doesn't respond to my texts in a "timely fashion" because it was likely trivial nonsense that didn't really warrant an immediate reply or I assume they LIKE I, just got caught up with things or didn't see it. Hell, maybe they just didn't feel like replying at the time which I completely understand. If I'm writing an essay or knee deep into a good book, damn if I'm going to stop what I'm doing to reply to some silliness. No, not even to shoot them a quick text saying "I'm busy". If I have something genuinely important I'll call and I'd expect them to have the common sense to do likewise.

 

Agree with all of this, especially the bolded. I mean, I try to get back to people quickly and sometimes I'll say "sorry, I was at the gym, what's up?", but it's not my duty to do such things. Entitlement in general is a pet peeve of mine in every aspect of life.

[Pisces13]

I think Mr. Castle does make some valid points. Like I said in my post, I do get frustrated when the girl I'm currently dating doesn't reply for hours at a time because I know she usually always has her phone on her, but then like I also mentioned, I know she is a busy person and doesn't always have the time to respond right away, or she might get side tracked or whatever. She replies when she replies, I just accept it for what it is and try not to let it bother me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Was referring to the needy thing.

 

I think you have some image in your head where I send a text and after about 10 minutes of no response I start cursing the woman out or something.

 

Not 10 minutes, but I do imagine you stomping and stewing and checking your phone a lot. I mean, it's kind of hard not to based on what you have written and without actually seeing you in action. Plus it makes this conversation more humorous to me.

Edited July 31, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[MrCastle]

Not 10 minutes, but I do imagine you stomping and stewing and checking your phone a lot. I mean, it's kind of hard not to based on what you have written and without actually seeing you in action.

 

Yeah. I know. It fits your narrative. I've dealt with people like you before.

 

The image of the texter being some needy, insecure tool with too much time on his hands, and the textee being some busy, laid back person with an interesting life, far too interesting to care about something as silly as texting.

 

But what you fail to realize is texting is another form of communication. Maybe you don't see their face or hear their voice, and maybe they're just words on a screen, but they're coming from another human being nonetheless.

 

Just because I expect the person I'm communicating with via text to answer a question as opposed to ignoring it doesn't necessarily make me needy or insecure. It just means I want my question answered. No more, no less. We don't have to look into it or examine the individual for feeling that way.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah. I know. It fits your narrative. I've dealt with people like you before.

 

The image of the texter being some needy, insecure tool with too much time on his hands, and the textee being some busy, laid back person with an interesting life, far too interesting to care about something as silly as texting.

 

But what you fail to realize is texting is another form of communication. Maybe you don't see their face or hear their voice, and maybe they're just words on a screen, but they're coming from another human being nonetheless.

 

Just because I expect the person I'm communicating with via text to answer a question as opposed to ignoring it doesn't necessarily make me needy or insecure. It just means I want my question answered. No more, no less. We don't have to look into it or examine the individual for feeling that way.

 

I realize that texting is a form of communication. I just don't feel entitled to a certain type of response in that form of communication. You do.

[MrCastle]

I realize that texting is a form of communication. I just don't feel entitled to a certain type of response in that form of communication. You do.

 

It's not entitlement. I planned a birthday party with some friends and a few girls I knew from class.

 

Two of them bailed. They agreed the day before, when I told them I had to know if they were going for sure so I could make the reservations for the right number of people, and they both agreed.

 

Then neither of them showed up. When I texted them where they were, they didn't answer. That's not rude? You bail and then don't provide a reason why?

 

Don't you think they should have been the ones calling or texting me to cancel? Should I have had to seek them out myself? Wouldn't the mature thing have been for them to say "Castle, sorry but I'm not going to be able to make it?"

 

It was poor communication etiquette on their part. And although that is one extreme example, it still goes back to my main point about people being courteous.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's a strawman argument. If you've committed to do something, you should do it and you should give notice if you have to cancel. That has virtually nothing to do with what I've been talking about at all. They agreed to it the day before and bailed. That's sh--ty behavior no matter the means of communication. I mean, even if they had responded to your text it still would have been a d--k move on their part.

 

On that note, it's bed time. I think we've exhausted this conversation. Good talk.

Edited July 31, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[sweetjasmine]

Because texting is the easiest, most commonly used, and least invasive form of communication we have in today's world. There's a reason why it's so popular.

 

Texting can actually become invasive. I've had more real face-to-face conversations interrupted by texting than any other form of communication, unless you count suddenly spotting someone else you know and saying, "Hey, it's Jimmy!"

 

It especially becomes invasive when people expect a quick reply and get frustrated when they don't get it.

 

Call me crazy but I prefer women who acknowledge my existence as a human being and respond to my messages when I ask questions that need answering as opposed to women who only answer when they feel like answering. When they're bored etc etc.

 

Seems to me that it goes a lot smoother when we're on the same page.

 

If someone's not answering a question that needs to be answered, and I mean not answering at all, the problem isn't with text etiquette. It's with flaking.

 

If something is that important, and I don't hear anything, I assume the person either didn't see my message (it happens!) or saw it and forgot to respond later, and I call them.

 

It's not entitlement. I planned a birthday party with some friends and a few girls I knew from class.

 

Two of them bailed. They agreed the day before, when I told them I had to know if they were going for sure so I could make the reservations for the right number of people, and they both agreed.

 

Then neither of them showed up. When I texted them where they were, they didn't answer. That's not rude? You bail and then don't provide a reason why?

 

That's general flaking. What does that have to do with texting specifically?

[Pyro]

I think technology has created a sort of entitlement problem. You send a text, you think you're entitled to an immediate response, on your time table.

 

The speed of my response depends on so many things.

 

Sadly for many people that is the case. Texting has made communicating easier and lazier at the same time.

 

If I really want or need a question answered right away then I will go Stone Age and call the person.

 

Texting should be for non important stuff that doesn't require an immediate response.

[aloneinaz]

Yeah. I know. It fits your narrative. I've dealt with people like you before.

 

The image of the texter being some needy, insecure tool with too much time on his hands, and the textee being some busy, laid back person with an interesting life, far too interesting to care about something as silly as texting.

 

But what you fail to realize is texting is another form of communication. Maybe you don't see their face or hear their voice, and maybe they're just words on a screen, but they're coming from another human being nonetheless.

 

Just because I expect the person I'm communicating with via text to answer a question as opposed to ignoring it doesn't necessarily make me needy or insecure. It just means I want my question answered. No more, no less. We don't have to look into it or examine the individual for feeling that way.

 

Nice debate, Simon and Castle. As I read through it, I saw both sides of the argument but, I still have to side with Castle as I'm more wired like him than Simon. I've never been accused of being laid back. LOL. I say this based on the simple argument of being respectful and having etiquette in your communication whether it's a text, phone call or whatever. I get that people have jobs and get busy with them. But, to say it's acceptable to take 6 hours to reply to a question on a text while at work is wrong. Especially when the person texts from work on a regular basis. Most people check their phones regularly. I've been in business plan meetings all day. Their are things called breaks and lunch times when you can reply or let them know you'll reply at a certain time. You're not going to text someone at work if you know they can't use their phones, etc..

 

The other part of this that was not discussed is the double standard. This girl I'm dating does it all the time. She text's and Facebooks off/on all day. Two days ago she asked me how my doc appointment was. I'd turned my phone to mute at the appointment and forgot to turn the sound back on. 80 minutes later, she texts a 2nd time and asks if I'm ok? Then she calls me 30 minutes later all worried that I didn't reply to her. When I finally looked at my phone, I did call her back and APOLOGIZED and explained what had happened. She'll do this kind of texting to me all the time if I don't get right back to her but feels ok with not replying to my texts or phone calls for hours at times when I know she's not busy. That's BS and makes me worried if we're compatiable.

 

It's a MAJOR red flag. YES Simon, I'm tend to be more uptight than laid back. Yes, it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine and I know I need to do MUCH better in not getting pissed or frustrated when it comes to this and roll with it more.

 

Some people are much more laid back and casual when it comes to a sense of urgency to reply to communication. I get that. But be CONSISTENT with it so people understand your pattern. Like Castle stated, it's a sign of Compatiability for me as well. I don't connect or last with rude or flaky behavior what so ever. Im pretty up front in telling woman I meet that it's a deal breaker for me. A few have tested me on it as I've said before and have never heard from me again.

Edited July 31, 2013 by aloneinaz

[Treasa]

I'm not glued to my phone. I'll give you a breakdown of the times I'm not:

 

While sleeping: 8 hours (if I'm really lucky)

While at work: 9 hours

While at the gym: 1.5 hours

While eating: 1.5 hours

While doing whatever I'm doing in the evening: 2 hours

 

That leaves me two hours during the entire day when I might have a chance to return a text, even though I hate text messaging.

[Emilia]

While eating: 1.5 hours

You are a slow eater

[Pyro]

You are a slow eater

 

Maybe she eats Balut

[aloneinaz]

I'm not glued to my phone. I'll give you a breakdown of the times I'm not:

 

While sleeping: 8 hours (if I'm really lucky)

While at work: 9 hours

While at the gym: 1.5 hours

While eating: 1.5 hours

While doing whatever I'm doing in the evening: 2 hours

 

That leaves me two hours during the entire day when I might have a chance to return a text, even though I hate text messaging.

 

And that's fine and I would think that your friends or SO's know this pattern of yours.

[soccerrprp]

I think its admirable that people value their time and some sliver of time to be responsive to communication, but if that is the case, leave your phone at home, off and let everyone else know that you only respond between 8-10PM or some time you deem ONLY necessary to respond.

 

Why carry your phone on you if not for the purpose of making yourself accessible to communication throughout the day? It's a little strange to have a phone, a tool for communication, on your body all day and have little or not intention of using it for that purpose.

 

I agree that texting should be used for far less important purposes, but there is no secret that it is a common and popular form of communication. If it annoys you, tell people not to text you or don't get the feature. But to intentionally not check or wait HOURS to respond is inconsiderate. Again, it is very rare that anyone is that busy that they cannot respond in some swift and easy manner.

 

This kind of habit by some is even more annoying with phone calls. My policy on that is if you don't leave a message, then it must not have been that important, so I don't make an effort to return the call until it is MOST convenient for me. BUT, if you leave a message, I check when I can, and call back when I a moment to do so. Not HOURS after the fact!

 

There are those who use the technology excessively and there are those who are simply inefficient and inconsiderate.

 

I guess my views are consistent with someone who uses the technology EFFICIENTLY and for the purpose it was intended....to communicate. Before the smartphones, the only real option was to wait until we got home to check our messages. But that is NOT the reality and expectation today.

 

I also find it interesting and a little humorous that many people who have rather inefficient methods or habits of communication go and buy some of the most expensive, cool smartphones? Why? You don't become a better or more considerate communicator. Wait, is it b/c it has all kinds of new game, video, social-media, fun features to play around with? You have time for that when you have a break, but not for communicating in a reasonable time with another human being?

Edited July 31, 2013 by soccerrprp

[Star Gazer]

And that's fine and I would think that your friends or SO's know this pattern of yours.

 

But people you've just started to date - that is, like the girls that tick off Castle - won't know your pattern.

 

Plus, patterns are meant to be broken occasionally. Ya can't flip out when they don't respond based on what you believe to be their pattern.

[sweetjasmine]

I think its admirable that people value their time and some sliver of time to be responsive to communication, but if that is the case, leave your phone at home, off and let everyone else know that you only respond between 8-10PM or some time you deem ONLY necessary to respond.

 

People close to me know my work/class hours. When I don't have time to call my mom back until the weekend (since our talks are 1+ hrs), she generally doesn't get all upset that I'm ignoring her because she wouldn't appreciate me calling her at noon while she's at work or at 1 am when she's asleep. When my H texts me while I'm at work, he doesn't expect a response at all, and it's a bonus if I manage to sneak out and check my phone. When my H texts me while I'm in class, he doesn't expect a response until around the time when I get home. If he got pissed at me for not responding right away during those times, I'd wonder wtf his problem is.

 

Why carry your phone on you if not for the purpose of making yourself accessible to communication throughout the day? It's a little strange to have a phone, a tool for communication, on your body all day and have little or not intention of using it for that purpose.

 

The point is that some of us don't have it on our bodies all day. Mine generally stays in my purse unless I specifically need it for something, and my purse ends up sitting put somewhere when I'm at home. The only reason I'd feel uncomfortable without it is because of emergencies. Pay phones hardly exist anymore.

 

But to intentionally not check or wait HOURS to respond is inconsiderate. Again, it is very rare that anyone is that busy that they cannot respond in some swift and easy manner.

 

Sometimes, I can respond in a swift and easy manner. Other times, I can't, and it's crazy-making when someone takes it personally and thinks I'm purposely ignoring them and disrespecting them because I didn't respond to their text about something funny that happened within an hour of them sending it. Especially when they send it during work hours. Sometimes, we're so swamped I don't get a chance to run to go pee, much less fiddle with my phone and go through my freaking messages. If someone can't understand that and feels insulted by a slow response to a text, then the problem lies with them, not me.

 

But people you've just started to date - that is, like the girls that tick off Castle - won't know your pattern.

 

Plus, patterns are meant to be broken occasionally. Ya can't flip out when they don't respond based on what you believe to be their pattern.

 

Yup, that's the larger point. That people assume everyone is surgically attached to a smart phone and is constantly fiddling with it, whereas some of us either don't look at it all the time and/or have a dinosaur cell phone.

 

If someone actually IS surgically attached to their phone and responding to everyone else except you, yes, they're being a rude, inconsiderate jerk.

[Treasa]

You are a slow eater

 

That includes cooking it. So 15 minutes cooking/prepping per meal, 15 minutes eating per meal, times three meals. How is that slow?

[clia]

I respond anywhere between immediately and within 48 hours. It depends on the text, the message, whether I see it, what I'm doing in the meantime, and a whole boatload of other things. But unless it is specified as an emergency, I never feel any real urgency to respond.

 

None of my friends, family, boyfriend, or people I associate with frequently are as demanding as some of the people on this site and those that I encountered when I was online dating. I actually find it really amazing that some of you think it's so rude to not respond to a text immediately. What if I just don't feel like responding? What if I'm reading a book, watching TV, just got out of the shower, on a plane, on vacation, on the phone? Why is it so necessary to send a text saying "Sorry, I'm busy?" If I wanted to send a text, I would just respond to the freaking text.

 

I guess I don't feel the need for constant contact and communication. Texting has opened this stream of consciousness communication with some people that I find totally absurd. I don't care to have long, drawn out conversations over text. I answer when I'm ready and feel like answering, and it's not about games either.

 

Texting is every bit as intrusive as a phone call. Either way my phone is buzzing and beeping. If you want an answer to a question, call and ask! And don't just call and hang up and expect that I'll see on my caller ID that you called and call you back. Leave a message and tell me why you are calling. If I see your question is urgent, I'll probably respond faster. But, if you are asking me some random question that has no sense urgency, I don't feel any urgency to respond. (And I'll usually just wonder why you don't pick up the phone and call me.)

 

Just because I happen to have a smartphone doesn't mean I have to be at anyone's beck and call, especially during the workday. I hardly ever even look at my phone when I'm at work. When I used to OLD, I was amazed at the audacity of some of the guys I encountered who expected near immediate response time in the middle of a weekday. One guy sent me some ridiculous "How's your day going?" text at around 1 p.m. I was at court on a hearing that went all afternoon, so I had left my phone at the office. So, while I was over in court arguing for the next three hours, he was blowing up my phone. First it was crap like "??????" which ultimately led to "Have a nice life!" It was almost hilarious that he had concocted this whole scenario in his mind that I was intentionally not responding to him, when actually, my phone was four blocks away from me. Needless to say, I never did respond to him. What a lunatic. And he's not the only one!

 

Here is an example of when I might wait 48 hours to respond:

 

A guy texts / calls me in the evening, either after I've gone to bed or when I am out with friends. I don't sit with my face in my phone when I am with my friends because it is rude. I also very often completely forget to check my phone. I also rarely check it first thing in the morning or while I am at work. So, it is entirely feasible that I may not even see his message until later on the next day. Depending on what his text is (i.e., if it's context specific or just nonsense that requires no response ("Good night!"), I might not even respond at all.) If it's a call, if I happen to have plans that evening, I would not call him back that evening. He would get a response or call the next time I felt like responding to his text or call or had time to respond to his text or call, which would likely be the following evening. I typically don't engage in personal phone calls at work.

 

But I guess that's super unreasonable.

[Emilia]

That includes cooking it. So 15 minutes cooking/prepping per meal, 15 minutes eating per meal, times three meals. How is that slow?

Ah no, that's fast

[Treasa]

Ah no, that's fast

 

LOL I cheat. I do all my cooking (from scratch) on the weekends. It actually works out to about 3 1/2 hours on a weekend. So everything I eat during the week just needs to be heated up, and then I eat it. And make tea.

 

Anyway, if someone texted me, chances are I'd look the next day. If it's important, they can call me.

[aloneinaz]

But people you've just started to date - that is, like the girls that tick off Castle - won't know your pattern.

 

Plus, patterns are meant to be broken occasionally. Ya can't flip out when they don't respond based on what you believe to be their pattern.

 

Ok, but after a month of dating someone, you get a "feel" for how people are with texting or returning calls. I agree that after a date or two, you don't know for sure. My specific point is when you know someone checks their phone FREQUENTLY (like the girl I'm dating) and they still take hours to return a call or text, that's rude in my book. Yes, they have a right to return the text/call at their liking but many hear also think common coutesy is to return a call in as short a time frame as possible.

 

Reading this thread makes me admit that I need to work on my patience as it pertains to this situation. I do get pissed w/anyone, not just a SO. This tells me I need to chill a bit.

[MrCastle]

Ok, but after a month of dating someone, you get a "feel" for how people are with texting or returning calls. I agree that after a date or two, you don't know for sure. My specific point is when you know someone checks their phone FREQUENTLY (like the girl I'm dating) and they still take hours to return a call or text, that's rude in my book. Yes, they have a right to return the text/call at their liking but many hear also think common coutesy is to return a call in as short a time frame as possible.

 

Yeah. Like I said in one of my first posts, when you have developed a rapport, and have gotten a feel for their text habits, it's a different game.

 

Or like I said, you send a message that needs a reply, you get no reply, but 5 minutes later they're making a post on facebook or posting on instagram. That's blatant. It shows inconsideration on their part.

 

I don't get why it's such a radical idea for some people to just admit that when it comes to communication, some people are inconsiderate.

 

On this site, shallow people don't exist, and neither do inconsiderate people.

 

Well I've met more than enough in real life to know they both exist.

[InsaneTrombone]

Yeah. Like I said in one of my first posts, when you have developed a rapport, and have gotten a feel for their text habits, it's a different game.

 

Or like I said, you send a message that needs a reply, you get no reply, but 5 minutes later they're making a post on facebook or posting on instagram. That's blatant. It shows inconsideration on their part.

 

I don't get why it's such a radical idea for some people to just admit that when it comes to communication, some people are inconsiderate.

 

On this site, shallow people don't exist, and neither do inconsiderate people.

 

Well I've met more than enough in real life to know they both exist.

 

Seen this happen way too often and it really is inconsiderate bullcrap. That's a joke.

[MrCastle]

Seen this happen way too often and it really is inconsiderate bullcrap. That's a joke.

 

Of course the argument will be stuff along the lines of:

 

"it's their right to text you when they want."

 

"who are you that you have to be waited on hand and foot? they owe you nothing."

 

"get over it/relax/not that serious/etc"

 

But the fact of the matter is, it's still by definition inconsideration. That person who ignored the text when they obviously are still using their phone is not considering how the other person feels. It never enters their head that "wait, this person asked me a question, let me answer it since I have my phone on me."

 

It's like some people here are avoiding the reality that some people blatantly ignore texts when they are perfectly able to reply.

 

They make it seem like the only people who don't reply are super busy people who have no time to text back in a reasonable time.

 

There are people out there who read a text, and decide "I'm not going to answer them," and then continue on with their lives. That's inconsiderate any way you want to spin it. Do they owe that person something? No. But it's about being considerate.