thishatteredsymphony Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I had a close relationship with my ex's family. They loved me and I loved them. Back in the early months of the relationship they told me they liked me instantly because my ex had nothing but great things to say about me and they could see how happy she was. They were just waiting for when I would ask her to marry me. When we broke up her dad personally contacted me and said he felt awful about all of this and how he's really disappointed in her. I've grown to see this family like my own. And not getting to be a part of that anymore makes me really sad... Here's what basically happened today. Her sister posted a status update and there were comments going back and forth that, from my point of view, looked like she was having a conversation with herself. Based on what she was saying I knew she was talking to my ex (whom I've unfriended and blocked and therefore could not see what she was saying). I KNOW I should have just ignored this but I had a moment of weakness... There is no chance of my ex and I getting back together. I won't allow it after what she did to me. But I really grew close to her family... and thinking about breaking contact with them tears me apart inside. I felt pretty good today up until a few minutes ago. I woke up and honestly thought I might just be getting close to being over her but this has set me back more than I thought it would. I haven't felt this bad since we first broke up. Cutting the rest of them out of my life when they didn't do anything wrong and have always been so good to me makes me feel so hollow inside. I feel like I've answered my own question in typing this out. I think it would be the best decision for me to break contact completely. Move on without this family because at the end of the day, they are HER family, not mine. But still... has anyone else been through this? Please give me some of your tips? Should I send them a message? Just telling them thank you for everything, but I need to let them go for my own piece of mind? Edited July 30, 2013 by thishatteredsymphony 1
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 How long ago did you two break up? Bottom line is, sadly - You two are not a couple anymore and it's best for you to let go of his family for a long while and detach. It's too painful right now and it's brought up past hurts and bad feelings, setting you back. It also isn't fair to them (unless they have made efforts to keep in touch and see you since you two broke up) because what if your ex has a new bf? Time to delete and block her sister.. This way you won't be curious. Sorry you're hurting.
summerlovin Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago, but his mother loved me to death and was so pissed at him for what he did to me. I'm still friends with his mom on FaceBook and about 1 month after the breakup, I went to her house for lunch (when he wasn't there) and she still had a picture of me in a frame in her living room and wouldn't let him move it! I feel like eventually, we will have to move on without our ex's families. Even though they became our own, keeping in contact with them will only prevent us from fully healing and moving on because they are a constant reminder of our exes. I feel like cutting contact with the family is necessary as well out of respect for the ex (especially if they asked for space or have a new significant other). I know that if I was the dumper, I don't think I'd appreciate my family members to talk to my dumpee behind my back. And plus when we get new significant others some day, I don't think they'd be too thrilled with the idea of talking to your ex's mom. I sent my ex's mom a message as well saying thank you for everything and that I'm going to move on, but I still haven't deleted her. I don't want to offend her by deleting her, but I'm sure your ex's mom will understand if you tell her you need to let her go in order to move on with your life. I feel like by keeping in contact with my ex's family, I'm trying to hold onto little bits and pieces of him that aren't mine anymore. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do Edited July 31, 2013 by summerlovin 1
Misfortune Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I have the same relationship with my ex mom in law. The entire family loved me and still do. They still do stuff for me, go out of their way for me and treat me the same as they always have while I was with their daughter. Her family are also pissed at her but there's nothing them or I can do to change the situation. Her family helped me through it all. I was a wreck after the break up. I have a realistic relationship with her family, no sugar coating. I know that they have to support her in w/e she does, that's family. I understand that they'll be meeting my ex's new gf and such. It doesn't bother me. I'm at a place of indifference right now. Also, your ex does not control the family nor you. If you and them want to still contact each other why should you stop because of what they did? That's what my ex in laws and I decided. She doesn't control us the same way we don't control her. Dumpers have way too much say/power, it's ridiculous. I don't plan to ever get into another relationship so I don't have to worry about jealousy and such. Relationships suck.
Author thishatteredsymphony Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) How long ago did you two break up? Bottom line is, sadly - You two are not a couple anymore and it's best for you to let go of his family for a long while and detach. It's too painful right now and it's brought up past hurts and bad feelings, setting you back. It also isn't fair to them (unless they have made efforts to keep in touch and see you since you two broke up) because what if your ex has a new bf? Time to delete and block her sister.. This way you won't be curious. Sorry you're hurting. We broke up almost 2 months ago, it's been 6 weeks of strict NC between her and I, but her family kept in touch with me out of their own will. I was originally the one suggesting not to, but when they insisted I relented, probably because I just wanted to hold on to that part of my life. By the way, I did it. I unfriended them and blocked them. God, this was so hard to do. But I had to do it for my own sake. Also, your ex does not control the family nor you. If you and them want to still contact each other why should you stop because of what they did? That's what my ex in laws and I decided. She doesn't control us the same way we don't control her. Dumpers have way too much say/power, it's ridiculous. Well that's pretty much what we were doing for a month, but I made the choice to let them go. I had to do it. This isn't to say MAYBE I could get in touch with them after a long time has passed, but I just know this is the right thing to do now. Edited July 31, 2013 by thishatteredsymphony
Misfortune Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Whatever works for you. This is working for me right now so I'm not stressing. I have no false hope or intentions of getting back with my ex. She made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me and doesn't want me to fight for her. I love the family and they're the only people I've ever become close with outside of my own family. Just know that the same way they meet someone else and choose to be with them, is the same way you can meet people that your mate/ex knows and you guys can choose to be a part of each others life.
Author thishatteredsymphony Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 I found out a little bit ago that my ex has been keeping tabs on me through her family, asking about what I'm up to. I had been debating for the last week or so really about breaking contact, but in finding out about this, I feel my decision has been reinforced now. I don't know for sure if she knows anything about my life since the break up, but I personally do not want her knowing what's going on with me. She lost that privilege and I'm not going to give it to her.
Xiphias92 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I found out a little bit ago that my ex has been keeping tabs on me through her family, asking about what I'm up to. I had been debating for the last week or so really about breaking contact, but in finding out about this, I feel my decision has been reinforced now. I don't know for sure if she knows anything about my life since the break up, but I personally do not want her knowing what's going on with me. She lost that privilege and I'm not going to give it to her. I went through something like that similar. I was close to my ex's sister and her mom when I dated her. After she dumped me for the reason being she wanted to focus on herself (which she actually had another guy in the wings and made a drama about it) - I dropped out of sight. Well about a few months passed after the break-up, I ran into her sister at a local grocery store. She seemed real friendly and I decided to be friendly to her to - but I never did talk about the relationship nor spit flames at her, I just asked how's life been. Wouldn't you know? A couple days later, my ex adds my other exes (they have nothing to do with her, but she has seen me with them before & while I dated her. They all go to the same school I go by the way), tries to add me on her cousin's account and then with some fake accounts. I even freaked out when she found out I was seeing someone else! To this day I have a feeling her sister told her about seeing me at the grocery store. In your case and mine, if your ex did away with you and wants to keep tabs, it's probably to see if you moved on and/or perhaps the grass wasn't greener on the other side as she thought it was. Oh, and if you have mutual friends, make sure they don't go spilling details about her to you or you to her. It sets you back. Godspeed recovery! 1
Author thishatteredsymphony Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Her family and mine were really the only mutual friends we had. My family cut her off immediately after the break up (she cheated and left me for the other man), so for the last month or so it was just down to her family as our only mutual friends, so to speak. I feel cutting that last thread has lifted a great weight off my shoulders, but it still hurts. I will really be so happy when the day comes I won't hurt so bad anymore.
Xiphias92 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Her family and mine were really the only mutual friends we had. My family cut her off immediately after the break up (she cheated and left me for the other man), so for the last month or so it was just down to her family as our only mutual friends, so to speak. I feel cutting that last thread has lifted a great weight off my shoulders, but it still hurts. I will really be so happy when the day comes I won't hurt so bad anymore. It'll hurt for a while, that is for sure. It's about you now, time to find happiness for yourself. Your ex and ex's family matters not a bit.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 My first marriage was from 1970 to 1981. I had a real good relationship with all of my in laws. When My wife and I got divorced there were some hard feelings with them towards me. My wife told them so pretty wicked lies and being that blood is thicker that water, they took her side on it except for her one older sister who to this day is a friend. After a while her family found out that what my ex said wasn't true and that she made it up and we made our amends. It's now 2013 and I'm still friends with them and they know that they did me wrong but I just let it go because they know the truth and all is well. it's not like I see them everyday but when I do, there is no problem with a hug to her sisters or mom and a hand shake with her brother. If their good people, don't throw the friendship away. You can still remain friends and still keep your distance from your ex. 1
Misfortune Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Really doesn't matter what your ex knows about your life without them, nothing they can do about it. They gave up those privileges. If they say something, delete/block them. 2
Author thishatteredsymphony Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Her mom sent me a message this morning. She's the only one of the family so far who hasn't said anything since our break up. Here's what she said: "I've been thinking some things over and I just wanted to say I don't want to disrespect your wishes, but please consider checking back with us sometime in the future. Take however long you need, but just know that you've made a firm place in our hearts and minds that we truly want to see where your life takes you. You are like a son to me and just because she chose to hurt you does not mean the rest of us don't see you as family. Please take care of yourself and know we will always love you as one of our own." I've decided not to respond to the message, but I'm about ready to cry. I just want to get better and the only way to do that is to cut my ex out completely, including her family. I HAVE to do it if I'm going to find peace and happiness. But God damn it... this is just too much. Everything hurts.
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 As the poster said: "blood is thicker than water" you can't change that.
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