Misty2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 I feel sad but i think I did the right thing. I meet someone, I liked him a lot. He was in a relationship at the time. I do not share. He came back to me and said his relationship was over. That he knew months before he meet me that it wasn't working, that they weren't right for each other. He's x was from different country. she decided to go home, booked her flight for 2 months after it was off. We decided then, just after it was off with them, that we had plenty of time. She was hurt over the break up, wanted him back, but he didn't want to go there. but we decided that we would wait until she left the country, before we started dating. For the 2 months between when it was off and when she went home, she continued to live there becuase she didn't have anyplace else to go. He found that hard. Loads of arguments between them. loads of tears. But he never wavered in he's resolve that he wanted to be with me. Wanted to start a relationship with me. But in those 2 months, we remained friends. We developed an emotional connection. We made plans for when we could date. What we would do. So the 2 months passes. Only a few weeks ago. We start dating. something doesn't feel right. He seems distant. He seems remote. so it turns out that he misses her more that he thought he would. He knew that they weren't right for each other. when he broke it off, he knew it was the right thing to do. He felt relieved and he was looking forward to starting a new relationship with me. then when she left he felt bereft. He feels sad and lonely. He never expected to feel like this. He feels guilty when he's with me. He says he's feelings for me haven't changed, but he feels numb, emotionally drained. He's head tells him that it's right, that they weren't right for each other. He's head tells him that we can have a great relationship. But he's heart is sad. He doesn't know what his heart wants. I can understand this. He didn't give himself time to mourn his old relationship, before looking forward to a relationship with me. So I let him go. Last wednesday, I told him he needs to figure out whether he wants a relationship with me. At the time I thought i was prepared to wait. But yesterday I realised thst I couldn't do that to myself. I couldn't put my life on hold for someone that doesn't know if they want me or not. That wouldn't be fair on me. so I let him go to mourn he's relationship. I told him I love him. I told him that i thought we could have a great relationship. but that I knew I couldn't do that on my own. that I needed someone that wanted that too. I told him that I was moving on. but I also told him that there was nothing stopping him catching up with me in the future if he wanted too, if it wasn't too late. I put this all in a letter and gave it to him yesterday. And from that moment, I went NC. I think he will probably be sad but also a bit relieved. He can't deal with a new relationship now, no matter how much he wants too. I know he cares for me. so he will miss me too. Today, I feel sad, even tho it's the right thing to do. Even tho I know i couldn't do anything else. I'm crying as i write this. He was a wonderful man. He never lied to me or mislead me. He never did me wrong. He is just not emotionally available to have a relationship. I'm just sad
aJoy Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Well, you're obviously a very strong person Misty! Sorry to hear that you're sad but in time you'll be alright. I hope it gets better for you soon, it sounds like you did the best thing possible for the both of you.
Author Misty2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Author Posted October 30, 2004 thank you aJoy Yes, i feel i did the right thing. Even tho I'm sad, it's not a despairing sadness.
sami Posted October 30, 2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Why are you crying when you know deep in your heart you had done the right thing?. You must be proud of what you did. You helped a guy who badly needed you to take this stand for him. You did him and yurself a favor that he will appreciate later if not now. I wish I had met someone like yourself when I was in a mess. You are really wonderful.
Author Misty2004 Posted October 30, 2004 Author Posted October 30, 2004 Thank you Sami You brought tears to my eyes when i read your kind words. I'm touched
Author Misty2004 Posted November 6, 2004 Author Posted November 6, 2004 and i'm thinking for the last week What is I was bn strong walking away .... What if i did it because it was the easy thing to do ..... Instead of facing rejecting, I walk away , so they can't reject me ......... Because I can't handle rejection The last week has made me look at my whole life ..... the way I interact with me ........ people always see me as this strong person ..... I've always hidden my emotions, because I'm scared ......... I'm scared that people will think less of me ......... I'm scared that people will feel sorry for me ............. I'm scared that people will pity me ...... I was brought up in a family where we had to keep a lot of secrets ..... where I couldn't tell people the whole truth about what went on at home because I didn't want them to think any less of me ........... There is so much more going on in my head right now ..... too much to write But I realized that I am alone now because I never let anyone in ........ I never let myself get close to anyone because I was scared ........ that is why i walked away last week ........... because I was scared My first post gave the bare bones, the stuff I was projecting ............ they way I wanted to see it .............. to fit in with me walking away Maybe he just needed me to open up to him ............. maybe because I have so much trouble actually letting go in a relationship, because I don't want to be seen as needy .... because I'm always so scared that I'm annoying the person that .. they're just bn nice to be because they're nice people I have decided that i have come to a place in my life that i need to change ....... that the reason that i haven't ever had a loving and whole relationship in my life is because of me ......... is because i won't give enough of myself So I am going to ask him for lunch tomorrow, I am going to lay it on the line .......... that I love him , that he is the only person that made me want to change myself, that the problems we had were not because of his feelings, but also because of the way i reacted to them ... that i think we can work it out ..... that i truely in my heart want to ........... honestly, i want him to turn around tomorrow and say " oh that's what i want too" realistically, i know, even if it's hard to accept, that maybe it's too late, or that maybe he will have nothing at all to say about it at all, and then have to take ages to figure out what he wants But if I don't do it now ............. will I bottle out of the next relationship too because of all the same feelings ............. Maybe I need to let go of my insecurity and put my heart on the line for once in my life, because if I don't do it at some stage, i will be in and out of failed relationships forever
chicothechimp Posted November 6, 2004 Posted November 6, 2004 I really appreciate what you just said... I do think that this is partly why my last GF broke up... she is fearful of intimacy... more accurately, of vulnerablity and having to know that someone else holds a tremendous power influence over her heart... yes, she had other reasons (*see my other post this week)... but I know for a factthat relationships are tough for her... and yes, sadly, I had taken her for granted emotionally. Misty, what you said takes a lot of courage. It is also a first step in this new direction. I do believe that the week has given you time to ponder your own heart's role in all of this. To me, everything that you said makes 100% sense. It feels real. I say ask him for the lunch and try to flesh out what you said here to him in a way that will best communicate it in his way of thinking/perceiving. Just anticipate that even the best relationships still need grace, tons of hard work and great times together to thrive and survive. All the best to you, Misty! Chico
gobain Posted November 6, 2004 Posted November 6, 2004 I know that I am often difficult to get close to. I don't often let people in for almost the same reasons that you talked about - family and all that. And I know, too, what it's like to feel as though you simply took the easy way out. But I think you did the right thing. If and when he's ready to be in a relationship with you, or anyone else, he'll be the better for you having let him decide when he's ready. I find it hard to believe that anyone as strong and gracious as you appear to be will be alone for too long. Despite your doubts about why you did it I think you did the right thing.
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