Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So you can let me have it here, or not. It's all appreciated. I am totally miserable. I am a wayward spouse, long term marriage. My wife and I have not had sex in I don't know many years. The opportunity came along and I became addicted. I do not love my wife and want to leave. Financially that will be a mess of course. That and the emotional part of it are making me feel stuck. The woman whom I had the affair with said enough to the affair part, if I want her I have to leave my wife. I do think that's fair and actually applaud her for wising up. The affair thing sucks however the part about leaving my wife now, because of her, does not sit with me well. I just started counseling and the counselor told me I should go no contact with the affair partner until I can sort things out. I am certain I cannot fix my marriage. I am totally crushed by the affair partner. Serves me right, eh? Of course I never thought I would ever have an affair and always scoffed at people who did. I just feel so lost and hopeless. What a mess. Anyone out there considering an affair, don't do it.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Did you ever come clean with your wife about the A? Allow her to decide if she wants to be married to you? To try harder to become a better wife? What have you two done over the years to keep close and intimate? Go on date nights? Spend extra love and attention (love notes, holding hands, just doing nice things for one another?) on each other? To walk away from a marriage without communicating, without really giving it your best is something you may regret one day. The grass isn't greener... If you plan on divorcing, do it because you'd rather be alone than stay in a loveless/sexless marriage. NOT because someone is waiting in the wings for you. It's really unhealthy to end a marriage and start a new life with someone else as soon as the divorce happens. People need time to adjust and be on their own, to UNlearn bad habits from the past.. To grow and become happy without having anybody else to rely on. 1
secretlady76 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You have my sympathies. You have to go NC with your AP if you have any chance of saving your marriage. You have to give your marriage 100% and you cannot do that if the AP is still waiting in the wings. You need to go through a period of withdrawal from your AP and clear your head before you can focus on your marriage. There are different opinions about whether you should 'fess up to your wife. Personally I think you should; it may kick her up the arse to making an effort, as much as it will crush her. MC may also be a wise move You need to leave your marriage because it is not working, not because you have met someone else. All the best.
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 The affair partner has to go. Knowing that doesn't make it any better. I am miserable. You are right, the grass is never greener and there are other problems. But I know that can't work. Hard to see the future regret, but I know I have to open my mind. I have done some communicating and she is at such a low level herself. I have neglected her and this is just another thing that makes me miserable. Of course I could rattle off some things about her but I don't think that exculpates me in any way. The affair was such a high and it crashed and burned so fast. Before the affair I was just numb from the day to day. I felt old and just ready to chuck it all in. Before the affair I had lost my appetite, not knowing why or even feeling depressed. Now I've lost 30 pounds with some effort, because I like it, but it was just too easy. I can't imagine telling her about the affair. Yes we have done a few things but not nearly enough. It is mostly a business arrangement. She has her faults but she is a good woman and she doesn't deserve this. Asking her to try harder isn't right, I don't think. 1
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You have my sympathies. You have to go NC with your AP if you have any chance of saving your marriage. You have to give your marriage 100% and you cannot do that if the AP is still waiting in the wings. You need to go through a period of withdrawal from your AP and clear your head before you can focus on your marriage. There are different opinions about whether you should 'fess up to your wife. Personally I think you should; it may kick her up the arse to making an effort, as much as it will crush her. MC may also be a wise move You need to leave your marriage because it is not working, not because you have met someone else. All the best. I met someone else because my marriage wasn't working. I am in counseling and just started last week. The counselor has pretty much said the same thing you said. As for saving my marriage at the moment, I don't really want to. And at the same time I don't want to not want to save it. It's a hellish feeling maybe worse than the withdrawal.
secretlady76 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Your marriage wasn't working because neither of you are making the effort, so of course you were going to meet someone else. You were open to it. And now you say you don't want to make an effort either. So what do you want to do? How are we to help you if you're not going to help yourself? Yes you're miserable but you have caused your own misery and it is up to YOU to do something about it. This limbo can't carry on. You are under threat of getting seriously depressed over this and then it will be impossible to see the wood from the trees. You need to take a step by step approach here. Firstly you need to have a very serious conversation with your wife. She is no mind reader. She is not going to know that you are miserable. And guess what? She is probably miserable too. There are going to be things about you that really gets on her nerves. She may tell you some home-truths about you that you need to hear. It may be the kick start you need too. This conversation may be the real turning point as to what the two of you are going to do next. Before you do anything else, you really need to have this conversation.
dichotomy Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) Here is a question I have pondered myself. Imagine you divorce. What do you expect your new single life will provide you in the way of happiness? I mean, if your not having sex with your wife - the first and easiest thing is you going to have sex - and that assumes your going to be getting all you can handle out there in the dating world. But beyond that- what do you see in this possible future ? Edited July 30, 2013 by dichotomy
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Your marriage wasn't working because neither of you are making the effort, so of course you were going to meet someone else. You were open to it. And now you say you don't want to make an effort either. So what do you want to do? How are we to help you if you're not going to help yourself? Yes you're miserable but you have caused your own misery and it is up to YOU to do something about it. This limbo can't carry on. You are under threat of getting seriously depressed over this and then it will be impossible to see the wood from the trees. You need to take a step by step approach here. Firstly you need to have a very serious conversation with your wife. She is no mind reader. She is not going to know that you are miserable. And guess what? She is probably miserable too. There are going to be things about you that really gets on her nerves. She may tell you some home-truths about you that you need to hear. It may be the kick start you need too. This conversation may be the real turning point as to what the two of you are going to do next. Before you do anything else, you really need to have this conversation. Very true, thank you. I am seriously depressed already and not seeing the wood from the trees. The wife already knows I am miserable and we have both done home-truths. There is a strange dynamic involving money, mostly. She hates her job and feels it makes her miserable, but she also feels compelled to work. She stayed at home for a few years and set us back a bit. It was worth it, for the kids. I'm afraid we are a bit past that point as she has convinced herself that she can stay on the lowest rungs of hierarchy of needs. Again, not to blame her but I suspect that her operating at such a low level has affected me. Asking her to work to raise that a bit has helped a little but then I am not responsive enough. And here is the rub: can I fake it? Maybe there's a step before the first one you mention? I kind of have to get myself to want to fix things. Don't I?
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Here is a question I have pondered myself. Imagine you divorce. What do you expect your new single life will provide you in the way of happiness? I mean, if your not having sex with your wife - the first and easiest thing is you going to have sex - and that assumes your going to be getting all you can handle out there in the dating world. But beyond that- what do you see in this possible future ? I hadn't had sex in 7 years, at least. I didn't know I still wanted sex. Sex with the affair partner was awesome and I get very attached. Of course a lot of that is fantasy since we had our dates and then we went our different ways. Hated that part too, leaving her. I don't like the vision of being divorced.
secretlady76 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, you have to WANT to make it work. There is no use in faking it I don't think. I can't see the point. You either feel or you don't. You can't make yourself feel anything through faking. You cannot be made to love.
eddyctv Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I hadn't had sex in 7 years, at least. I didn't know I still wanted sex. Sex with the affair partner was awesome and I get very attached. Of course a lot of that is fantasy since we had our dates and then we went our different ways. Hated that part too, leaving her. I don't like the vision of being divorced. You are living my life...I am in the same EXACT situation...my affair partner stuck with me for 4.5 years and just left me about 6 weeks ago for another guy. I am still thinking of her constantly but it's getting better
eddyctv Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Have you TRIED having sex with your wife? You may be pleasantly surprised...
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, you have to WANT to make it work. There is no use in faking it I don't think. I can't see the point. You either feel or you don't. You can't make yourself feel anything through faking. You cannot be made to love. Now this is really confusing me right now. I experienced feelings for my affair partner that I didn't know that I could still feel. It was intoxicating. I am still going through that withdrawal. Of course that is infatuation and it can't last. Right? And there is more to love than the infatuation, right? 25 years of marriage, two kids, a big house, ... Not sure what I'm trying to get at here. Like I said, it's really confusing. I do have to work on this.
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 You are living my life...I am in the same EXACT situation...my affair partner stuck with me for 4.5 years and just left me about 6 weeks ago for another guy. I am still thinking of her constantly but it's getting better My affair was a only a couple of months. It has been really been over for about 5 weeks but she was dangling this hope thing over me. It really messed me up but on the other hand, like you say, it's getting better. As for sex with the wife, I should make that happen.
dichotomy Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I don't like the vision of being divorced. There ya go. If you can't look into that possible alternate reality future - away from your marriage .... and see happiness and peace .... then stay and fight to make your marriage the best you can.
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 There ya go. If you can't look into that possible alternate reality future - away from your marriage .... and see happiness and peace .... then stay and fight to make your marriage the best you can. Thank you. That makes sense. Of course I am the destructive force. I have to battle myself.
secretlady76 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So you don't like the vision of divorce but you don't want to try and salvage your marriage either. So basically you can look forward to a life of misery either way. Unless you take action to improve the siuation. And what was this hope that your AP was dangling?!
eddyctv Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 My affair was a only a couple of months. It has been really been over for about 5 weeks but she was dangling this hope thing over me. It really messed me up but on the other hand, like you say, it's getting better. As for sex with the wife, I should make that happen. Only a couple of months!!?!? Sheesh! Bring it up...i did with my girlfriend (may as well be wife...been together for years, have kids, house, etc) after not having sex with her for years, and she was receptive to it!
Author Moper Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 So you don't like the vision of divorce but you don't want to try and salvage your marriage either. So basically you can look forward to a life of misery either way. Unless you take action to improve the siuation. And what was this hope that your AP was dangling?! AP, since the end of June, was blowing me off by saying she just needed a break. Knew better but she just kept telling me it was just a break. So I was bouncing like a superball between writing if off and waiting for her to snap out of it. She did. We were to meet tomorrow but then she found a way to blow me off again. This time it was more to the point, that I had to leave my wife before she would see me again. Now if I left my wife don't you suppose I would get a new excuse?
eddyctv Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 AP, since the end of June, was blowing me off by saying she just needed a break. Knew better but she just kept telling me it was just a break. So I was bouncing like a superball between writing if off and waiting for her to snap out of it. She did. We were to meet tomorrow but then she found a way to blow me off again. This time it was more to the point, that I had to leave my wife before she would see me again. Now if I left my wife don't you suppose I would get a new excuse? I couldnt leave either, because of money issues, it just wouldnt work. Bummer. Try making it work with your wife. It can happen.
Author Moper Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 On a slightly happier note my counseling session went well. Of the many things discussed, don't take marital advice from AP. She really is a mess and is not ready for a relationship, even if that were a good idea under these circumstances. And too she is u-turning me. It hurts but ending that relationship is a good thing. No doubt.
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