Bd85 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The start of the breakup was nearly 1 month ago now, and I’m still processing my feelings. I read a lot of other topics here before posting (which have really helped), and I’m now sharing my story for others to relate and/or weigh in on. Hoping that writing this will also be therapeutic for me. I’m 27 and she is 24. We were seemingly a perfect couple, everyone always asked us when we are getting married etc… and the thought was really gaining momentum for me. We’d been together 2.5 years and lived together for almost a year. The first sign of any trouble began a few months ago. I had been applying to grad school and she had just completed her masters. Although we discussed moving together, suddenly the prospect of me going away to school became very real and she expressed some reservations. I suggested that if she didn’t want to go, we could do the long distance thing (my program was 1.5 years), but intuition told me that something was wrong after she started crying. Nothing was really decided and as it turns out I didn’t even get into school and will be staying here for another year. Over the next couple months, I’d be lying if I said the thought of us not working out didn’t cross my mind… but regardless I wanted our relationship to work out. Fast forward about 2 months, seemingly out of the blue she tells me she wants to move out and go back home (which is about 30 min away). I suggested that she not move out but go home for a while to clear her head. My first instinct was to convince her to stay, but I figured she needed space. I didn’t contact her much while she was gone, nor did she contact me... and after about a week I told her it seemed like she was avoiding me. She admitted this was the case and told me that she wanted to break up (phone at this point). I told her to come over and talk… and after lots of tears, persuasion, talking, etc, I convinced her to give our relationship a chance. Unfortunately, over the next two weeks I could see her growing cold and distant… when we were together, you could cut the tension with a knife. After two weeks, I came home one day from work and all of her stuff from our apartment was gone. She was standing there crying and told me that it was over between us. Emotions were running high for me as well and I gave my final desperate plea for us to mend the relationship… she refused. Over the next couple weeks I was devastated. I employed limited contact and even asked her on a date, though she said no. Finally, about two weeks after the breakup I get home from work again and the remnants of her belongings are gone and her key is on the counter. This stung me hard and I immediately contacted her… we went back and forth (mostly me asking her to come back) and she finally admitted that she reconnected with an old friend just before the end of relationship. She explained that it was emotional and not physical. She then told me that her decision was final and that she had developed feelings for this other guy… I haven’t heard from her since (roughly 1 week now). I felt especially abandoned given that I had taken care of her so much during our relationship… never once asked her for rent and rarely asked her to pay for anything... and didn’t display resentment for it. We’ve even gone on some wonderful vacations. I am fortunate to have a good job and she was in school the entire time. Upon reflection, I could see that our relationship may have started becoming stale though. She was the first girl I’ve lived with and it was very easy to fall into a dull routine, and perhaps take our relationship for granted… but never any abuse and always very minor arguing. I’d like to hear some other peoples thought and comments… Although I still want her back, I can’t help but feel like she intentionally sabotaged the breakup so as to not allow the possibility of reconciliation. Maybe she had grass is greener? Maybe she thought our lives were heading in different directions? Maybe she felt like I wasn’t giving enough effort anymore? Certainly all things that I’ve considered and things that will help me build stronger relationships in the future… it’s just that I wish I had the chance to make these changes before our end.
aloneinaz Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It sucks bad my man but relationships run their course and it appears yours did as well. You're at the age where relationships end due to GIGS and people get scared of not fully sowing their oats before settling down for marriage. In your case, you're best to leave her alone now. Let her go her way and you focus on YOU. NC is strongly recommended and it helped me immensely after my last relationship ended. You need to take some time to heal, reflect on what you did well and what you don't want to repeat in your next relationship. Stay busy with buddies. When you're up to it, start casual dating again. Time, NC, and avoiding her on any media, etc will help you heal the fastest. Remember also that Millions of people get dumped each day. Relationships fail. We need to learn from them and try again.
Balzac Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Let me get this straight. She lived with you during a one year masters study and you footed expenses 100%. She's got her grad degree but no job and moved back in with her family? The minute she got a whiff of you going to grad school and leaving town she was on the hunt for free cost of living elsewhere? You think her immaturity and user nature is about deficits in you? Sure. OK. The deficit is you were blind to her character. Maybe it was great sex. Maybe she's a stunning beauty. It's surely not her ability to suck the cork out of a bottle of Merlot.
petall Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 You were obviously willing to rebuild the relationship but she was not. Much as it is painful to accept, she fell out of love with you and into love with someone else as she herself told you. I don't think you could have done anything more. I'm sorry you haven't had any closure in terms of the reasons why she chose to check out of the relationship but many dumpees are usually left in this same situation. Much as it will help for you to learn why precisely, your ex may never choose to engage in dialogue on this. You cannot leave your life hanging. The best course of action for you is to accept the situation, and move forward with your life. Undertake your healing process starting today, it's all about you taking care of yourself now.
Author Bd85 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Aloneinaz I appreciate your kind words and that is how I'm trying to proceed... Though in the back of my mind I have some hope.. Perhaps still in denial Balzac although it looks that way, I actually already had the apt and asked her to move in. Also I'm pretty sure this new guy lives at home as well... It would make it easier on me if he had his own place though... She's willing to leave me and a great apartment for living home under again her parents. Her living situation is dramatically worse. if she was using me she was very good at it.. Never once did she ask for anything or make me feel like I had to provide for her.
Balzac Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I get that you willingly provided. I get that she'd never complained. My point to you is that under seemingly ideal conditions, she was unable to act maturely in communication with you. Unable to strategize WITH you regarding a change in relationship dynamics. That is not a lack in you from my read of it.
Author Bd85 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I agree wholeheartedly with that last assertion...I chalk it up to immaturity. During our last conversation I even complained that she was unable to communicate any of these feelings. Unfortunately, if she realizes this it may only help her in the new relationship. I don't think she had malicious intent but I do think she went about things wrong.. Although I can find other girls I did really like this one and part of me hopes she comes back some day... But maybe she won't. Either way I don't know where I will be when and if that day comes Furthermore, not stroking my ego but this new probably offers less than I did. Education, job, looks, etc... If anything he was there at the right time while she was vulnerable. I can't help but feel like she was just filling a void that she had during a down period Edited July 30, 2013 by Bd85 .
Balzac Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It's rough to let go. My guess is she's got more significant deficits than immaturity going on. No life plan is one thing. Going in reverse is a sign she's unable to participate in a relationship with adult expectations. BUT if you're still trolling for her in a year, it's easy for her to find you. She's done you wrong once and few men would trust her again.
Author Bd85 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Wise words, almost as if you know her... Spot on about life plan (frequently second guessed the field she entered and often down on herself about finding a job) and indeed she has never been in a 'real' relationship before me. She's a really nice girl but her last boyfriend barely showed her affection and was dating other girls without her knowledge.. She still doesn't know this. Maybe I tried to bring her to reality and introduce her to becoming an adult but she wasn't ready...dunno. But thanks for your comments lots of food for thought
fujidabruin Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Does not sound like you guys were on a shared path. Maybe just a very loving and intense bond??? Gotta go with NC bro. I think you know she is not the one. You sound ready for some one to build a life with and not one that is running back to Daddys' house.
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