Does my ex still want to be with me?

[DownNtOut]

Hey, would love some advice on the situation i find myself in.

Last september my gf and i broke up. I wasnt emotionally available and

she was in love with me. We stayed friend and over the next 8 months we met up every 3-4 weeks to go cinema. We would have a coffee and chat.

 

In March I realised that i had been a fool and really wanted to get back with her. I told her and she told me that i was 'bored' and thought 'it would be easy' to get back with her. I told her this was not true. A month of no contact passed and she txt me to see how i was. A week later she calls me to say she is passing by my house. She calls in for a coffee and we chat for a hour.

Lots of eye contact and smiling. She goes home which is a hour away, she seemed tired so i offered her a bed to sleep in. she declined. She txt me when she got home to say 'see friends is fine' and that she wouldnt have been able resist sleeping with me if she stayed. (mixed signals??)

 

In June i asked to my parents house as i was house sitting. she came down for a day and we spent it driving around the countryside. chatting but just chit chat. she mentioned an ex of hers had moved back to her town and that this was 'difficult'. i asked no more of it. we ate a dinner i cooked and after she drove home.

I called her the next day and asked her to go to a concert with me.

She said yes. We went and had a great day chatting about childhood stuff (i initiated this)

She came back to my house and asked on the way home if she could stay.

I said yea and asked if she wanted to sleep in my bed.

After an hour of lying together, she initiated a hug. i held her tightly, i was delighted. we had sex. and again in the morning. lots of kissing, really passionate. she left that afternoon. I asked no questions. But 2 days later i told her again that i wanted to get back with her. She said no that she was not in love with me. but still did have feelings for me.

 

i said we should not meet up anymore as i cant get over her.

she has some of my things and is bringing them back to me this week.

this is after a week of no contact.

 

should i say anymore to her?

and if so, what

we are both in our late 20s

[lula69]

You need to know.

 

You never want to beg, coax, or otherwise persuade a girl to stay with you. Because this will come haunting back at you. It matters less that she is super in love with you but she isn't fully committed and so, will keep bungling around.

 

The talk of that ex in town makes it clear to me that she is toying with the idea and weighing her options.

 

This shows one thing: there is no final break-up. Ever. Every break-up is temporary. The fact that so many people have so many exes can IMO screw with their current and future minds big time. So often after years of marriage, some ex comes out of the wood-works and steals the show.

 

But this also means for you, you don't do final break-up either, and you shouldn't try to paint it as such with her.

 

Acknowledge for yourself you have an attachment to her. Affirm that and don't play aloof.

 

But always keep your goals in mind what kind of relationship do you want, that is more important than who you want it with. Fight for that kind of relationship.

 

Realize that the attachments are real. They say something about the nature of attachments, not the quality of the person or even the relationship. You do not work out great "because I love you". Attachments are real, but your needs are also real. An attachment that persist with the core needs unmet will lead to long term suffering. A prison you build yourself.

 

Now, if after critically discounting the clouding of reality caused by your current attachment, you find out that you could have with her what you really want, and that she might just be confused (her words and actions speak of confusion), then why not make an appeal to what is important to you.

 

But there are 2 options: stay in a FWB relationship or make an appeal for an escalation. The 3rd option is for you to detach and move on, but that does not need further declarations of yours. IMO, avoid any general declarations about "always" and "never". Just do what you need to do.

 

Do not give her so much space to bungle. Desire her fully and be more jealous and possessive. And do not take it as a blemish on your honor to desire someone who doesn't desire you back. You don't lose "stay-on-top-of-the-game" points if you allow her to reject you fully before you reject her. But, unless you are OK with FWB status, don't suppress the claim to your desires. Don't "give her space" don't enable her indecision. Except if you are perfectly fine with FWB.

 

FWB is perhaps something for you to look into. But if you are her "friend" just because you want her, and she is using that imbalance to get your friendly reflection by keeping you starving and uncared for, then give her less of that availability and see if FWB works out. But if FWB is not something you want to pursue, you need to tighten it up.

 

Example: when she told you about her ex, she was confused. Many nice guys are "ah uh, sure, I understand, yeah, of course, whatever". I don't know of any woman who would not respond to this indifference with contempt. She may say you are a good friend, but she will think of you like a sucker, an idiot. Women want to be desired, that turns them on. The "do whatever, I trust you" kind of attitude isn't working the way men are being bullshytted into believing. IMO, in such a moment, you need to claim her and be jealous and possessive and set boundaries. That is: you figure it out while I move on with my life. Let me know when you have it figured out (but not "I will be there for you whatever" -- that just prolongs it). If she had made a commitment to you before, the response is essentially the same. It's either you 100% or it's not you. She will say "I need space" "I have a right to privacy" "You are controlling" "I need time", whatever. Declare your rules of engagement and leave the decision (with real consequences) up to her. That's easier said than done if you love her. But enabling her bungling around does not keep her, it drives her away. You need to take that risk and your chances of a real turn around are better in the initial confrontation of all-or-nothing.

[DownNtOut]

this is good advice. thanks.

id love to hear more

[DownNtOut]

im meeting her tomorrow in her town, to get my stuff back