How do you feel about someone youre dating being physical with others?

[kaylan]

Im gonna ask a few question and Id like everyone to state their age and sex before answering. Im a guy (26) and my answers are under the bolded questions.

 

1. How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity?Kissing would be ok, but sexual stuff would not be. If Im really casually dating...like I mean super casual and I see no long term potential for us at all, Id rather just not know. Because if I did know, Id not want to touch her. I dont like sharing and I feel gross about being sexual with someone who was recently sexual with someone else. Just too risky for me sexually.

 

In regards to a girl Im dating but with whom I do see long term potential with, Id want to know shes not doing anything with people on the side. Now I would be ok with just kissing, but who are we kidding. Kissing doesnt stop just there for a lot of people. And while I know Im capable of dating around and kissing more than 1 girl, I know I wont get sexual with more than one girl. But I only know my own capabilities, not anyone elses.

 

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that?Id be tempted to hit the eject button depending on the circumstances. I understand we all have sexual desires and sometimes have a fwb while waiting for the right person to be in a relationship with. Now if the girl was physical with someone else while me and her just met and started talking, Id be somewhat ok with that. Id understand that neither of us knew each other yet and it wouldnt be too reasonable to alter our personal lives for someone we had just begun to gauge.

 

But once actual dates started happening or we'd figured out we liked each other, Id expect her to stop messing around with whomever she was messing with, as I would have done the same. Once I establish in my mind that I really like a girl, I shut myself off to everyone else. If she had kept things going with someone else while we started hanging out and kissing and junk, then Id be super gone.

 

However, I know many people will omit or lie about these things anyways. Which does make me cautious about relationships still. I know everyone doesnt work the way I do.

 

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex?There are no circumstances that would make this ok at all. I expect that when I meet a girl, shes completely over any exes. Ive dealt with too much drama in the past with women who werent completely over their ex, even after he had disappeared out of their life. So knowing one was so recent in the girls life would be an instant turn off and reason for me to bail.

Edited July 30, 2013 by kaylan

[Brunettie]

I'm a girl, 21.

 

1. I feel the same way as you. Not happening.

2. It'd sting. I guess it depends how long it was going on. But I guess if we're not exclusive, then they can do what they want still.

3. That would bother me, yeah..

[carhill]

1. How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity?

 

I don't particularly care for people who involve themselves sexually/physically/emotionally with more than one person at a time but have come to accept it in my demographic as it's been uniformly the case my entire life here. My preferred boundary is sexual/emotional. IOW, I would prefer the lady I'm kissing goodnight and whispering sweet nothings in her ear not to have felated another guy earlier that day or told another guy she loved him. That said, I have no control over another's actions and no verifiable way of knowing for sure what is in their head, heart or gonads, so I accept that it can occur.

 

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that?

 

It wouldn't surprise me and we'd be having a discussion about relationship boundaries.

 

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex?

 

I wouldn't distinguish between individuals. That said, I'd want to see clear actions and words matching up with there being no further contact with that ex, or else I'd make like a hole in the water.

[Philosoraptor]

How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity? That's really none of my business. If we become "exclusive" I expect us both to respect one another enough to end all of this.

 

Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that? Again, this is an understanding that they had no committed obligation to me until we have had the exclusivity talk.

 

What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex? Hooking up with an ex doesn't mean having emotional feelings with an ex. Sex is sex.

[kaylan]

^Much of the time, sex with an ex isnt just sex for most people. I dont think Ive met a person in my life who had sex with an ex after a break up and neither of them have lingering feelings.

Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted

[Emilia]

1.How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity?

Female, 41

 

I don't care for multidaters the slightest. I don't come from a culture where it's the norm and it's a turn off to me personally. I don't date for sport.

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual.

Not interested. Launch.

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex?

Don't know whether that would make it worse... Possibly worse yes. Launch.

[kaylan]

Lol, imagine if dating was really a sport, with leagues and salary

 

Id be in the third division. Id work my way up the the premiership one day though:cool:

[Ruby Slippers]

1. How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity?

Grossed out, very turned off. If he didn't like me enough or have enough restraint to consider me and only me from the get-go, I'd lose all interest.

 

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that?

I would be grossed out and most likely end it.

 

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex?

Even worse.

 

I know the dating landscape is full of multi-daters these days, but there are plenty of one-guy gals and one-gal guys still out there.

 

My boyfriend and I were exclusive from date #1, and have discussed that it would have felt 100% wrong and in opposition to our natures to date more than one person at a time.

[Philosoraptor]

^Much of the time, sex with an ex isnt just sex for most people. I dont think Ive met a person in my life who had sex with an ex after a break up and neither of them have lingering feelings.

Don't disagree with you at all here, but I can't draw a line with who sex is acceptable with when the question says I'm being told after we were exclusive. If I trust them enough to make it exclusive then I have to trust that they chose me and let go of any lingering feelings from their past.

[fortyninethousand322]

I'm a guy aged 25.

 

In all three circumstances, I would question the other person's ability to try to get to know me during the dating process. I mean going on dates is understandable, but kissing is probably something I'd have an issue with.

 

This is another thing that I'd prefer not to know though. If given the choice of knowing or not knowing. Ignorance is bliss...

[Drseussgrrl]

It all depends on what you're looking for at any given moment in time.

 

When I was emotionally unavailable I dated men casually and couldn't care less that they were doing the same. A very don't ask/don't tell policy.

 

When I met my BF it was clear from the get-go that we were ready to pursue something with each other and see where it went and it was rather assumed after the second date, and confirmed verbally on the third that we didn't want to date other people.

 

So, here we are. Official boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

For the record I've never multi-dated and ended up with one of the dudes seriously. Multi-dating was just a symptom of where my mind and heart were at the time.

[sweetkiwi]

I am a girl (26).

 

1. How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity? I wouldn't feel anything about it because I wouldn't know and it's not my business as long as he and I are using protection when/if we have sex.

 

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that? That happened to me. I was dating an Italian man for a while before he and I had penetrative sex. While we were doing it I reached under the pillow to get a better anchoring point with my hands, and my fingers got caught up in a very very long hair that was not mine since I had short hair. I didn't stop the action. Afterwards in bed I cried silently. I really liked him and my ego was hurt. But that's all it was; my ego. I rationalized things in my mind later and realized I had no right to be mad. We went on to have a nice relationship for seven months.

 

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex? If she were an ex then it puts a whole other spin on things because emotions are involved. It isn't simply sex or hooking up and I personally wouldn't like it.

[white]

1. How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity?

 

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that?

 

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex?

 

1. I don't online date. Concepts of exclusivity have never yet applied to me. It's one of the things that alienates me around here, especially considering it doesn't apply to my friends either. We meet single women, who profess to be single, that we like, and we date them. They nor we are seeing anyone else. If it goes south we move on. I'll be honest, it's a value judgement on my part, but I like it a lot better this way. I couldn't live like you. For me, someone telling me they're seeing others is itself a red flag.

 

2. Rephrasing this. If I found out she'd been quietly seeing someone else shortly before we started dating, which has happened, I wouldn't like it much. Again it's a red flag for me. I don't like codependent types who spend their whole lives in relationships with the barest period between them because they can't tolerate being on their own, like toddlers. It would make me re-examine what we were doing.

 

3. Only once in my life did I have a relationship with a woman who accepted the concept of casual sex, enough to apply the idea of hookups with people not exes in the first place. It didn't go well and she led a real ****ty life after I extracted myself, which has given me endless joy and a confidence in my own ability to evaluate personalities.

[Babolat]

My boyfriend and I were exclusive from date #1, and have discussed that it would have felt 100% wrong and in opposition to our natures to date more than one person at a time.

 

Same here. I had met a girl, girl #1, before I started dating my ex gf, before I actually physically met my ex gf as we met online (all emails at this point). I never had a date with girl #1, group setting meetups with other friends, though their was interest. I had 2 dates with my ex while seeing girl #1 in group settings, and was planning a date with girl #1 and could not do it.

 

I contacted girl #1 to tell her I had met someone, we had 2 dates and I wanted to see where it was going to go. She said "She is a lucky girl if you are that way! Good luck!", which made me feel good and that I made the right decision.

 

Now that my ex is my ex, I guess I could look back and say why did I pass on girl #1, bit I do not. We have actually kept in touch and are friends now.

[darkmoon]

I would not consider starting an affair with somebody who already had somebody on the go, I would keep in touch and be friends, if I am not considered nice enough to be selected quickly, I would avoid the situation

[Pisces13]

I've asked myself this question, and I don't really know how I would feel. I think I would be somewhat upset, but at the same time, if we're not "exclusive" or boyfriend/girlfriend, then I guess she is technically still free to do what she likes.

 

Me personally, I will only date/see one girl at a time, and while I'm doing so I won't see or hook up with any other girls, I thought that was fairly standard dating etiquette though.

[BradJacobs]

35M

 

1. How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity?

If I know that she's dating for a relationship and so am I, then it would tick me off. If neither one of us are serious about relationships then so be it because I'm probably doing it too. If I'm serious about a relationship, she knows that and pretends to be as well yet she continues to have a GPA on the side ... see ya!

 

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that?

Have to define casual but see above for answers. If she knew I was serious and was leading me on, I'd end up using her while I emotionally disconnected from the relationship. My clean break would happen without her knowing.

 

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex?

Oh.

Hell.

No.

[Ruby Slippers]

I contacted girl #1 to tell her I had met someone, we had 2 dates and I wanted to see where it was going to go. She said "She is a lucky girl if you are that way! Good luck!", which made me feel good and that I made the right decision.

I had a similar experience. Shortly after I started online dating, my boyfriend contacted me, we talked on the phone within a day or two, and he asked me out for that weekend.

 

Another guy on the site had been e-mailing me for about 2 weeks, and seemed very cool, but he hadn't asked me out yet. Within a day or two of date #1 with my boyfriend, the other guy finally asked me to talk on the phone and possibly go on a date - but I told him I'd had a good first date with someone else and wasn't a multi-dater, so would have to pass.

 

He said he takes the same approach to dating one person at a time, he respected it, and the guy I went on the date with was lucky.

[Star Gazer]

Same here. I had met a girl, girl #1, before I started dating my ex gf, before I actually physically met my ex gf as we met online (all emails at this point). I never had a date with girl #1, group setting meetups with other friends, though their was interest. I had 2 dates with my ex while seeing girl #1 in group settings, and was planning a date with girl #1 and could not do it.

 

I contacted girl #1 to tell her I had met someone, we had 2 dates and I wanted to see where it was going to go. She said "She is a lucky girl if you are that way! Good luck!", which made me feel good and that I made the right decision.

 

Now that my ex is my ex, I guess I could look back and say why did I pass on girl #1, bit I do not. We have actually kept in touch and are friends now.

 

Have we dated?

 

As for the OP's questions... I'd rather not know, because if I knew, I'd have to bail.

[Phantom888]

 

1. How do you feel about someone you are dating being physical with others before you reach exclusivity?

2. Lets say that once you are exclusive, you find out the person you are now in a relationship with, was hooking up with someone else while you two were casual. What do you think about that?

3. What if the person they were hooking up with was an ex?

 

Male 38.

 

1. This is a matter of preference and dating style, so for me, I would not be happy if a woman were seeing someone else while dating me. I mean, that's like open cheating. Just because you don't have the exclusivity talk doesn't mean it's okay to sleep with multiple people at a time. I avoid this situation by avoiding sex before exclusivity. I don't want any misunderstanding or confusion. Furthermore, since I don't use condoms, it is critical that my partner isn't dating anyone else.

 

2. Again, if she were dating someone actively while dating me, I would break up with her if I found out later. I don't respect women who are so casual they don't care about these things.

 

3. This is even worse. I'd break up with her and never contact her again.

[fortyninethousand322]

Have we dated?

 

As for the OP's questions... I'd rather not know, because if I knew, I'd have to bail.

 

Exactly. Of all the people to share my "ignorance is bliss" philosophy (if even on only this particular issue)...

[veggirl]

30

 

I don't multi date or multi fk. I'd be disgusted and super turned off. Dunzo.

[kaylan]

Would you guys believe that I genuinely did not know about that other thread with the guys gf hooking up with someone when they started dating? I dont check the front page as much as I used to. I actually started this thread because of a thread I read on another forum I frequent.

30

 

I don't multi date or multi fk. I'd be disgusted and super turned off. Dunzo.

I multidate, but usually by the second hangout with a particular girl Ive decided to focus solely on her for a bit. So while kissing more than one girl is possible, its really never happened while dating. Ive kissed more than one girl in a small period, and even the same night, but that was in college when I was decidedly single as well as the women I hung with.

 

And I dont think could screw two girls within a small time frame. Too much fluid exchange lol

[Babolat]

Have we dated?

 

As for the OP's questions... I'd rather not know, because if I knew, I'd have to bail.

 

Maybe, what do you look like?