Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 She/he let themselves go is what I believe is one of the most controversial reasons/excuses for having an affair or ending a marriage. It makes the Wspouse seem shallow and vain. It strikes at the very core of the bspouse ego and view of themself. I've seen all sides of this equation. When I was in my 20s and single I was always stunned when I would see wedding pictures of people in their 30s. Ten years and 2-3 kids later, he's a little weathered she looks like she was run over by a truck. Maybe two trucks. I always thought, "how could she let that happen?" Then I got older, got married and eventually realized, it's tough to schedule time for exercise. That's a luxury. It's tough to find time to prepare healthy food ( and more expensive than macaroni and cheese). It's tough to have the willpower to fight the constant struggle of being hungry. It's stressful to spend every dag knowing you're going to be unsatisfied. It's tough to sleep when you're stomach is rumbling. Not to mention the child factor and what that does to a body and the schedule. When I was in my 30s and men complained if how their wives looked. I'd either say or think, "why don't you step up and maintain the house or watch the kids for a couple hours 4-5 times a week so she can exercise?" Then my (ex) husband finished his military service and took his six months of unemployment. I was not quite 5'6 and weighed 160 pounds. Definitely overweight, but not totally a whale (I'm also buff in the arms, legs and shoulders from my military service). After six months, he had a physical for his job and weighed 320 pounds. He was just a little shorter than I was. I had long since become uncomfortable with sex that involved him on top of me. He was very hurt and sulked for days when I said, "oh, my that's really gotten out of hand. We need to go for a walk or something.". As gentle as I tried to be, it did more harm than good (he also had some binging issues I didn't know about). Then in my mid 30s, I had a boyfriend tell me I needed to watch it, I was putting in weight and society just was not kind to overweight women. I cried and it was a major fight and I never got over it. I did tell him the time to bring that up was not while we were naked in bed after just having had sex. Now that I'm in my mid 40s, I'd commit a few misdemeanors to weigh 160. Ironically enough, I don't look at body size first. I look at the smile and teeth. If someone doesn't take care of their teeth, what else aren't they taking care of? How hard is it to brush and floss? I know dental work is expensive, but if they are pursuing a hobby that costs more than $500 or more dollars a year, I think their priorities are a bit skewed. I still feel a pang when I see a husband or wife who is morbidly (John Candy or Darlene Cates*) obese and their spouses aren't. I just know that it may be part of many issues that could send the spouse out the door - and in most cases they don't try to help. Other thoughts or comments? *Darlene Cates played the mother in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"
bentleychic Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It's funny, time seems to be harder on a woman/woman's body than mans. Not always, but in a lot of cases I have seen. My MM is actually older and I find him WAY more attractive now than when he was younger. (Wouldn't have turned my head when he was younger, tbh.) I think a lot depends on an individual's likes. Not everyone likes a skinny minnie or fit person. I personally tend towards bigger guys (which everyone seems shocked at since I myself have lost a good bit of weight and my exH is small) and when on dating sites, that's what I chose as my likes. I'm not saying cut and built or fit isn't attractive to look at, but it's not "what does it" for me, if that makes sense. All of that to say, what someone finds unattractive, may very well turn someone else on. I'm very turned on by what my MM looks like, even though he's overweight (I actually don't know what his bmi is or really his weight, but I know he comments on needing to lose weight and he is not a skinnie minnie.)
Got it Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Argument of any obligation to stay physically attractive for our spouses/SO aside, staying healthy weight wise and in general is a commitment we should make to ourselves as we honor the wonderful vessel that propels us every day. This isn't about being skinny, its about being healthy. I think this post also touches on whether or not one is in the best spot financially to afford having children as well. Weight can affect attraction. What one does with that opinion is something separate.
So happy together Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Lol! It's so funny! I always liked the way my bf looked, but I love the way he looks now a lot more. He's got a belly (not huge, but still), when he hugs me I feel good. And it's sexy. He's not my type either... my ex is 6'4'' and weighs in at about 240 with NO fat. But I think... because I love him, because we get on so well, I just love how he looks. The one thing he never complained about was his ex's looks.
Pierre Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I am 6'3" 186 lbs. Go to the gym 4-5 days a week. Wife 5'8" 130 lbs, hourglass shape. 5'6" 320 is unhealthy. I will admit that it is much easier to work out and it less when one is single. Family life is associated with a lot of food and not time for the gym. Edited July 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 I am 6'3" 186 lbs. Go to the gym 4-5 days a week. Wife 5'8" 130 lbs, hourglass shape. 5'6" 320 is unhealthy. I will admit that it is much easier to work out and it less when one is single. Family life is associated with a lot of food and not time for the gym. Yes, I know. We were essentially same height, he always weighed more, but met military standards while being overweight, while I had to eat ex lax for a week before weigh in. My favorite physical sport requires a partner. I keep breaking them. It's hard in the knees and hips...and generally the whole body. I could play twice a day. I may be crawling out of the gym, but it does suck sexual energy from you.
Pierre Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, I know. We were essentially same height, he always weighed more, but met military standards while being overweight, while I had to eat ex lax for a week before weigh in. My favorite physical sport requires a partner. I keep breaking them. It's hard in the knees and hips...and generally the whole body. I could play twice a day. I may be crawling out of the gym, but it does suck sexual energy from you. I go to the gym on my way home from work. It is important to take a quick nap after coming home to recover. Then eat all you want. Just kidding. When I used to play basketball in the gym I could really eat a lot. But, basketball is best for men under 30. My wife loves bread and i am becoming addicted. It has to be the most addictive food ever.
2sure Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The BS " letting themselves go" is a reason WS cheates, Im sure of it. Look at how many, just here, cheat on their wives WHILE they are pregnant. To me, that the lowest of the low. Nature dictates she carry the baby, WTF? And then of course she has to lose the weight by upping her physical activity and toning muscles she never had to work at before. While figuring out how to take care of a baby and work. Not fair. BUT - on the other hand. When I was OW, I was younger and I assumed MM were looking for something younger and more attractive than what they had at home. Nope. At least in my opinion - I was not more attractive. They were beautiful and fit. So - thats actually what I KNOW. Anyway - I do think that keeping yourself attractive to your partner is important. You know your partner - you know what he or she defines attractive as. Its almost for yourself - if you dont FEEL attractive yourself, your partner is going to pick up on that . Im nearly 50 and while I do take care of myself (for myself) ..Its harder. Some things Im like, oh the hell with it. Never thought Id be that way, but Im totally comfortable with it. 3
Sarabi Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 My wife loves bread and i am becoming addicted. It has to be the most addictive food ever. My mum said too much of it makes you constipated But enjoy..!!!
Pierre Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 My mum said too much of it makes you constipated But enjoy..!!! Constipated???????????? Like I am full of shyt???????? 1
krazikat Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I go to the gym on my way home from work. It is important to take a quick nap after coming home to recover. Then eat all you want. Just kidding. When I used to play basketball in the gym I could really eat a lot. But, basketball is best for men under 30. My wife loves bread and i am becoming addicted. It has to be the most addictive food ever. Lol...my H plays basketball 3-4 days a week for 2 hours and at 37 he still got game....but he feels it alot more than he used too...he is 5'9 and about 185 with much muscle...he looks very nice And bread is my addiction...I am 5'8 160...trying to fit in work outs but finding it very hard....I also have a chronic medical condition that makes working out hard...but my husband loves my curves but always tries to motivate me getting to the gym...I am my own worst enemy with that, but being on muscle relaxers and opiates doesnt help
Sarabi Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 She/he let themselves go is what I believe is one of the most controversial reasons/excuses for having an affair or ending a marriage. this is annoying...as if they themselves have the body of Adnois or Aphrodite As if there aren't things driving the BS round the bend after 5/10/20+ years together: snoring, hair spouting in the wrong places, leaving your clothes lying about in funny places for the laundry fairy to pick up , picking your nose etc.) lol Not to mention the child factor and what that does to a body and the schedule. This one annoys me. You put your life at risk having children(yes you can, I don't care what anyone says, I am the child of a doctor and midwife/nurse-I know the risks!)...for someone to leave you for that...its so ridiculous I still feel a pang when I see a husband or wife who is morbidly (John Candy or Darlene Cates*) obese and their spouses aren't. I just know that it may be part of many issues that could send the spouse out the door - and in most cases they don't try to help. Ah well...lol The most common thing I hear over here when you see such a couple is that the marriage/relationship is for papers usually one of the partners is not a native and needs a legitimate reason to remain... One of my closest friends is part of such a couple...(she's big, he's not). They seem to love each other so... Alternatively, I have heard that in certain parts of Europe, if the person is fat there is an assumption they have enough money to live/eat well therefore can make someone a good partner.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Sigh.... My stbx..got very heavy after a few short years of marriage...like 100 lbs heavy..I was always pretty fit, but once I hit my 40's decided to get really fit..Id have killed for the body I have now at when I was in my mid 20's... Anyway, her friends always make comments to her about how good I look and you would have thought that would have inspired her, but it didnt. I know if I was a woman there would be no way in hell Id let that shyt go on without a fight..Id want to knock those bittches down a notch...Not her.. She is a good woman...and she is attractive..I dont get it..I tried everything..You have to want to do it for yourself, not because someone has a gun to your head.. Its unfortunate. TFY 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 "letting yourself go" to me goes beyond gaining weight and overall having an unappealing appearance. "Letting go of yourself" is the above and not CARING. I want to be healthy when I am older not for just my partners sake, but for MY sake. Living a healthy lifestyle takes commitment, and most people come up with enough excuses to never getting around to changing their lifestyle. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I got pregnant on my honeymoon, by the end of which I was probably 124 lbs. I gained 40 lbs in pregnancy, lost 20 in the first couple of weeks, then struggled to lose the last 20. So.. Let's see...I was 5'6 and about 138 for almost a whole year before I lost it all again. My husband was not attracted to me during pregnancy and before I lost the weight. He is honest about how he feels about weight on women. Yes it makes him shallow but I think he sees it as the exterior reflecting a certain lack of focus in the mind and an inability to delay gratification. Crazy, I know. I see him as an 'emotional anorexic.' His mom never eats and his gf before me was anorexic. Second baby, I gained less..maybe 25-30 lbs, but once I was breast feeding a newborn while watching an insane toddler all day I gained AFTER pregnancy. That's when H lost all interest and our M began to tank. MM was attracted to me with my extra baby weight. So I lost it all. For him. It's a feedback loop. A man views a woman letting herself go as a direct sexual rejection of him. He pays it back by ignoring her, she gives up even more. A vicious cycle. I am trying to get back to my before-honeymoon weight. It's hard when you're depressed. I'm one of those people who looks best skinny (kind of a Ruler/Hourglass combo.) I have a theory that if you have big boobs and a small waist relative to your hips, you can be 300 lbs. and still look awesome. I envy these women. You make a lot of good points.... Frankly I think your H was being unreasonable, but thats between you two..I would NEVER critcize a woman that was 20-30 lbs overweight-especially after having a few kids..Its unfair....Heck, I never criticized my own when she was 100 lb overweight..before any kids.. Its much harder for women to stay fit than it is for men...Some men dont see this..And whats even more aggravating is the men that want their wives/gfs to look like 22 year old Victorias Secret models, while they have a beer gut, no muscle, and moobs.. Yes, an hourglass figure helps if you are a bit heavy.. TFY 2
MissBee Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So when the couple is 70...what do they expect? Couples who have their priorities in order still look at each other lovingly and as if each is as gorgeous as they first met them at 20 as when they are 70 and life happens to the body. What about couples who one faces disfiguring through injury or illness? Then what? Some of them are still happy and in love despite the physical abnormalities. We should all try to be as healthy and maintain ourselves for our own benefit, but I don't buy "letting yourself go"...as time changes our bodies...this is a fact and I'm not dumb enough to think my spouse will be the same as he looked 30 years ago. But as I said, I think when other things are right and prioritized, the love one feels colors the attraction, so I think keeping that emotional intimacy is important in helping preserve other intimacies, even when time changes our look. 2
TheGuard13 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The thing is, letting oneself go is usually only the physical sign of letting oneself go in other ways. Ways that affect their partner's attraction to them, regardless of physical appearance. 5
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I got pregnant on my honeymoon, by the end of which I was probably 124 lbs. I gained 40 lbs in pregnancy, lost 20 in the first couple of weeks, then struggled to lose the last 20. So.. Let's see...I was 5'6 and about 138 for almost a whole year before I lost it all again. My husband was not attracted to me during pregnancy and before I lost the weight. He is honest about how he feels about weight on women. Yes it makes him shallow but I think he sees it as the exterior reflecting a certain lack of focus in the mind and an inability to delay gratification. Crazy, I know. I see him as an 'emotional anorexic.' His mom never eats and his gf before me was anorexic. Second baby, I gained less..maybe 25-30 lbs, but once I was breast feeding a newborn while watching an insane toddler all day I gained AFTER pregnancy. That's when H lost all interest and our M began to tank. MM was attracted to me with my extra baby weight. So I lost it all. For him. It's a feedback loop. A man views a woman letting herself go as a direct sexual rejection of him. He pays it back by ignoring her, she gives up even more. A vicious cycle. I am trying to get back to my before-honeymoon weight. It's hard when you're depressed. I'm one of those people who looks best skinny (kind of a Ruler/Hourglass combo.) I have a theory that if you have big boobs and a small waist relative to your hips, you can be 300 lbs. and still look awesome. I envy these women. I feel so sad for you. I have gained weight since being with my man and even though we BOTH know I have gained it he still calls me beautiful everyday, and he makes me FEEL beautiful. Women gain weight when pregnant, it is natural and healthy, the fact that he told you he wasn't attracted to you during and after... I just feel so sad for you. You just gave him the best gift he could ever receive. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. I think partners should support one another and lift one another up, a little overweight? Hey honey, lets start eating healthy as a family and going for family walks! I am sorry he made you feel that way. That was not right of him. 8
thefooloftheyear Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I feel so sad for you. I have gained weight since being with my man and even though we BOTH know I have gained it he still calls me beautiful everyday, and he makes me FEEL beautiful. Women gain weight when pregnant, it is natural and healthy, the fact that he told you he wasn't attracted to you during and after... I just feel so sad for you. You just gave him the best gift he could ever receive. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. I think partners should support one another and lift one another up, a little overweight? Hey honey, lets start eating healthy as a family and going for family walks! I am sorry he made you feel that way. That was not right of him. Agreed ANY guy who gives a woman a hard time over reasonable weight gain, stretchmarks, or anything else related to childbirth is just a heartless moron.. TFY 6
Negative Nancy Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 And yet look at Shania Twain and Maria Shriver. And then look at who their husbands cheated with. Or Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. Or Elin and Tiger Woods. Or Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook. Or Cindy Crawford and Randy Gerber. ...the list is endless Although, in analyzing my list there's a clear pattern of OLDER women being cheated on, except for Elin. hmmm... 2
D-Lish Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 After I heard the voice of the OW on the phone, telling me she was having an affair with my H and was pregnant with his baby, I began to develop visions in my mind as to what she looked like. I pictured her as being younger and super hot. I carried that vision of her around with me for years after that phone call that ended my marriage. I ran into them one day in a mall a few years after we'd separated. She was frumpy, plain, quite a bit older than me- and pretty darned overweight. Nothing like I thought she'd be. I think a lot of cheaters will use whatever excuse is needed in order to cheat. I certainly hadn't let myself go when my ex stepped out. 3
thomasb Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Have you ever heard the song called 'Fast cars and freedom' by Rascal Flats? That is how a real man feels about his wife after two decades of marriage. I know because that is how I and the friends in my circle feel. Fits perfect. And so is she.
hestheone66 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 regardless of size or tone if you live them and they live you and make yoou feel desired is all that matters. if they feel that you think they are hideous there is zero motivation to improve.. stay fit and healthy so you can cintinue a fulfilling sex life is key..the rewards feed the motivation
USMCHokie Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) For me: Letting yourself go = You don't love me anymore. Edited July 31, 2013 by USMCHokie 2
thefooloftheyear Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 For me: Letting yourself go = You don't love me anymore. Perhaps...But I think its too simplistic to assume thats the only issue..Many times it just plain old depression that is the cause.. But what the hell do I know?? TFY
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