EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So for the first time in my life I'm having casual sex with someone. Great guy, we dated casually for a few months, and he came back and said... "you're really amazing, and I don't know why because we seem like we should hit it off so well, but I'm just not that into you, when I'm not with you I don't spend my time thinking about the next time I'll get to see you. We have so much fun together I'd love to be friends." Well, we slept together, and I've been celibate for a while... so I decided that even if a relationship doesn't work out, I'm fine just sleeping with this guy... and oddly I am. However, the boundary I set is that it cannot feel like we're dating, which means I don't stay the night, we don't go out first... it's quite simply a booty call. Then I leave. My terms, my invitation, I choose to leave when we're done. I'm oddly fine with this (a few months ago I would have never thought I could)... However, my question is, do you think he still respects me? I guess I'm sort of divided, because I really do like him as a person, so I don't want to behave in a way that negates any chance we'll legitimately be friends, but at the same time, I really am enjoying just sleeping with him... Also, since this game seems to be on my terms... I sort of just ask for it when I want it... and accept when he says no. But, really, if you had a booty call situation like this how often is too often to ask for it? And, he rarely initiates, which I'm actually fine with, I'm assuming because he doesn't want to date... so he's down to screw when I want, but he's not going out of his way to get it... But is he not initiating because I"m imposing? The last time he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast the next day and I said "No, we're not dating, we're just screwing." Also, to be entirely honest, I am completely fine with this arrangement because I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I like that its on my terms and I know EXACTLY where I stand as opposed to when we were dating and I was second guessing everything. but, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if he did end up deciding that he was into me... but I want to be realistic... it seems unlikely that it works out that... we have effectively decided we're FWB... has anyone ever been here and then ended up dating someone?
Sunshine87 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I don't know what to say: He doesn't even sound passionate about having sex with you. Do you really need to continue with this insidious arrangement? Most women complain about guys only wanting them for sex. But you seem to be just fine with it, especially as he doesn't even care that much for it. My vote : I think it's degrading. I think that you actually like him a lot deep down. Otherwise I can't think of any reason why you'd be enjoy this sort of arrangement. The sex can't be that good. 2
Author EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Sunshine --- thanks for the brutal honesty... you're right he doesn't seem super passionate about sex... and I suppose on one hand I know its degrading, but on the other, I really am just enjoying that I have the option.
Emilia Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Sunshine --- thanks for the brutal honesty... you're right he doesn't seem super passionate about sex... and I suppose on one hand I know its degrading, but on the other, I really am just enjoying that I have the option. The thing is, it's better to be alone than being someone's half-arsed option. In my view at least anyway. It's just so... undignified. 4
MrNate 2.0 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So for the first time in my life I'm having casual sex with someone. Great guy, we dated casually for a few months, and he came back and said... "you're really amazing, and I don't know why because we seem like we should hit it off so well, but I'm just not that into you, when I'm not with you I don't spend my time thinking about the next time I'll get to see you. We have so much fun together I'd love to be friends." Well, we slept together, and I've been celibate for a while... so I decided that even if a relationship doesn't work out, I'm fine just sleeping with this guy... and oddly I am. However, the boundary I set is that it cannot feel like we're dating, which means I don't stay the night, we don't go out first... it's quite simply a booty call. Then I leave. My terms, my invitation, I choose to leave when we're done. I'm oddly fine with this (a few months ago I would have never thought I could)... However, my question is, do you think he still respects me? I guess I'm sort of divided, because I really do like him as a person, so I don't want to behave in a way that negates any chance we'll legitimately be friends, but at the same time, I really am enjoying just sleeping with him... Also, since this game seems to be on my terms... I sort of just ask for it when I want it... and accept when he says no. But, really, if you had a booty call situation like this how often is too often to ask for it? And, he rarely initiates, which I'm actually fine with, I'm assuming because he doesn't want to date... so he's down to screw when I want, but he's not going out of his way to get it... But is he not initiating because I"m imposing? The last time he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast the next day and I said "No, we're not dating, we're just screwing." Also, to be entirely honest, I am completely fine with this arrangement because I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I like that its on my terms and I know EXACTLY where I stand as opposed to when we were dating and I was second guessing everything. but, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if he did end up deciding that he was into me... but I want to be realistic... it seems unlikely that it works out that... we have effectively decided we're FWB... has anyone ever been here and then ended up dating someone? If it's casual, why should his opinion matter. It's like you said: Wham. Bam. Thank you sir. Leave. ... Unless of course you're after something else here. Then again, that door is probably closed anyway. 1
Sunshine87 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Sunshine --- thanks for the brutal honesty... you're right he doesn't seem super passionate about sex... and I suppose on one hand I know its degrading, but on the other, I really am just enjoying that I have the option. Everyone on earth has that option. Most guys won't turn down free sex. Are you scared to be alone temporarily? It's better to be alone (temporarily) working on your other goals like self development, career advancement, family bonding, sports and hobbies, than to allow yourself to be used as a piece of meat- not even his favourite meat (seeing as he isn't passionate about it). You might end up very hurt. What if he meets another girl and decides to become exclusive with her. Then proceeds to reject sex from you. How would you feel? Pls get out now. Cut him off and wait for something worthwhile. It will come but be patient. Take back your dignity, honour, effort, body and emotions and reserve them for someone who deserves it.
Phantom888 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 He doesn't respect you. Be careful, as the next guy you have a serious relationship with MAY NOT respect you after finding out. Men just don't respect women who have casual sex. 1
Sunshine87 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 If it's casual, why should his opinion matter. It's like you said: Wham. Bam. Thank you sir. Leave. ... Unless of course you're after something else here. Then again, that door is probably closed anyway. Exactly. You DO like him. If you only cared about the sex, you wouldn't give a toss about his opinion of you. Men who just want sex from a girl don't care about the women's opinions. They just get it and get on with their day.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 He doesn't respect you. Be careful, as the next guy you have a serious relationship with MAY NOT respect you after finding out. Men just don't respect women who have casual sex. Oh please. You'd be surprised how many men don't care about that. In fact when my BF and I were just getting to know each other, he jokingly said, "I don't care if you were kinda slutty at one point." And he's one of the "nice" ones.
Author EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 I'm not at all scared of being alone, I took a nearly two year hiatus from dating after a failed relationship and had a lovely time... I enjoy my life immensely and dating to be entirely honest only complicates that... all the second guessing, and the emotional vulnerability, and UGH the rejection, or having to reject people... So it's not that I mind being alone, I'm sure it sounds terribly crass, well I suppose it is terribly crass, but after not having sex for almost two years, and then choosing to sleep with this guy, I think I'm just horny.... I don't mind being alone, but sex sure is fun.... and I'd rather keep sleeping with someone I've already slept with and known for a while, then sleep around just because I"m horny. I was wondering how I would feel if he did end up exclusively dating someone, however, this guy is a perpetual casual dater... I don't think he'll be exclusive anytime soon... of course, I'm hedging bets there and could easily walk away with my feelings hurt... but if I'm only using him for sex, then really I can't get my feelings hurt... because it's literally just sex... I'm neither saying I'm right or wrong here, just found myself in a new situation and thought it merits discussion and input from others....
carhill Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 However, my question is, do you think he still respects me? He respects that you're engaging in casual sex without any romantic or relationship intent. People who engage in casual sex can be respectful and respectable people just like any other person. They simply choose to engage in casual sex. It's not my cuppa but I respect those who make that choice. It works for them. Similarly, a man, like the man you're with, can engage in such sex and still respect you and be a respectable person. The choice itself IMO does not reflect upon the person's personality nor character. Those aspects stand alone. If he treats you with respect, then he respects you. Do you think he treats you with respect? 1
Author EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 He respects that you're engaging in casual sex without any romantic or relationship intent. People who engage in casual sex can be respectful and respectable people just like any other person. They simply choose to engage in casual sex. It's not my cuppa but I respect those who make that choice. It works for them. Similarly, a man, like the man you're with, can engage in such sex and still respect you and be a respectable person. The choice itself IMO does not reflect upon the person's personality nor character. Those aspects stand alone. If he treats you with respect, then he respects you. Do you think he treats you with respect? He really does, if you can presume that the act of casual noncommittal sex in and of itself does not negate respect, then yes. Throughout our entire dating process he's been very respectful and honest about his intentions. 1
Star Gazer Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Sunshine --- thanks for the brutal honesty... you're right he doesn't seem super passionate about sex... and I suppose on one hand I know its degrading, but on the other, I really am just enjoying that I have the option. You're enjoying being able to use him for sex. But are you enjoying that he doesn't think of you when you're apart? That he's just going along with your invitations? That he doesn't desire you, at all? Isn't that, in part, what makes sex so awesome? The desire?
Author EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 You're enjoying being able to use him for sex. But are you enjoying that he doesn't think of you when you're apart? That he's just going along with your invitations? That he doesn't desire you, at all? Isn't that, in part, what makes sex so awesome? The desire? Yes, exactly it... I'm enjoying using him for sex... no emotional vulnerability, all on my terms.... mercy this whole thing makes me sound rather callous although I'm not sure I would describe our encounters as lacking desire... I suppose that's the point of what he was getting at when he said he didn't see this going anywhere long term... lack of desiring my presence... and BTW I adore your signature...
carhill Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 He really does, if you can presume that the act of casual noncommittal sex in and of itself does not negate respect, then yes. Throughout our entire dating process he's been very respectful and honest about his intentions. Assigning 'respectability' to choices like casual sex is a value and moral judgment each of us make. You can make any choice you wish, as can he. If there's synergy, there is. If not, not. Listening to you, it sounds like what you're doing is working for you and he, today. Tomorrow is unknown.
Star Gazer Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, exactly it... I'm enjoying using him for sex... no emotional vulnerability, all on my terms.... mercy this whole thing makes me sound rather callous although I'm not sure I would describe our encounters as lacking desire... I suppose that's the point of what he was getting at when he said he didn't see this going anywhere long term... lack of desiring my presence... and BTW I adore your signature... Ok... Then why do you care what he'd think if you wound up exclusively dating someone? Are you even dating guys? Do you tell then you're having casual sex with another man? Are you even emotionally available to date?
BlackSinatra Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, he respects you. From what you've said and his honesty by telling you it might not be something long term, he definitely respects you. But, I think there is another problem on your mind: The last time he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast the next day and I said "No, we're not dating, we're just screwing." Sounds like he was trying to date and you've made up your mind completely that you DO NOT want to date him. Why do you care if he respects you? The ball is in your court and you have practically assumed control of the "relationship." If you really don't want to date him, why is respect an issue? You either deep down want to date him or you want to be reassured that you are the one in control. He sounds more... Disappointed, not disrespectful.
Author EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Ok... Then why do you care what he'd think if you wound up exclusively dating someone? Are you even dating guys? Do you tell then you're having casual sex with another man? Are you even emotionally available to date? Good questions... thanks for this... I really need to think this through.... I don't think DR would care if I ended up exclusively dating someone... I really don't. I haven't been on a new first date in over a month, when I started getting caught up on DR and was also interested in OL I just dropped anything new and left it to the two of them. OL and I aren't sleeping together, and DR and I have talked about the fact that if we're sleeping together I'm expecting the sex to be exclusive, dating others fine, but don't put my health at risk by sleeping around. Am I emotionally available to date... probably not... the little bit of rejection I felt from DR saying that he didn't see it going anywhere long term, is enough to scare me off for a while. I'm just not sure the cost benefit ratio of being emotionally available to relationship pays off with all the risks...
Author EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, he respects you. From what you've said and his honesty by telling you it might not be something long term, he definitely respects you. But, I think there is another problem on your mind: Sounds like he was trying to date and you've made up your mind completely that you DO NOT want to date him. Why do you care if he respects you? The ball is in your court and you have practically assumed control of the "relationship." If you really don't want to date him, why is respect an issue? You either deep down want to date him or you want to be reassured that you are the one in control. He sounds more... Disappointed, not disrespectful. You think he was trying to date? I couldn't quite tell... he's so ambiguous about things... I'm just far more direct... I'm not completely closed off to dating him, but not like it was before. If he wants to date then he's got to be really interested and pursue it, I'm definitely not feeling the wishy washy nonsense... Otherwise I'm perfectly happy just screwing...This way I at least Know I'm not going to see him until I decide to reach out, as opposed to waiting by the phone. I get what I want, have no further obligation, and no that I can't rely on him for anything...
Recommended Posts