Healing

[Knoxpwns]

I threw all my mementos in a cooler (even the cooler is a memento lol) and gave it to my mother, asking her to hide it from me until I was "ready" (I'll assume by "ready" I mean "when I forget they are in there")

I hold on to things a lot longer than I should too. When I finally moved out I had tons of crap I threw out simply because I was so distraught it took over my nature to hold onto things.

 

I'm glad you can let them go easy!

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today has been another positive day!

 

I still got distracted a lot at work (mainly through LS) but I got stuff done at a marginally faster rate than previously. I went to a meeting after work for the organisation we've set up and we caught up with this really brilliant, generous, inspiring woman who runs a local charity.

I feel fine. I'm living too much day by day perhaps, but it works for now. I'm going on holiday to my family soon.

 

The only moment that was slightly tougher today was doing some financey stuff which made me see transactions in my account for the past few months, so memories of dinners out etc which, by virtue of being more recent, are more upsetting because I keep thinking "Was he already feeling off then?". Also, I'm worried about the future because life will suddenly get that much more expensive. My parents are helping me with rent and I guess all the money that I was saving for a house deposit is suddenly a bit more moveable, but it's still quite a scary prospect and it will need some good budgeting if I want to have money to also do the "self-improvement" stuff I am planning. (Travelliiiiiing!)

 

I feel a compulsion to do lists (of things ex and I still need to sort out, of things to be looking to for self-improvement, etc) and to get into my planning mood (e.g. to plan what and when I will tell his parents, what books and activities I'll do on holiday). That's normally what I do to feel in control so it's a good compulsion to have, I just t got home too late tonight, but one to keep in mind if the weekend stagnates.

 

I'm a bit bored of this thread just being "I did this, I did that" so I've enjoyed inserting little bits of wider discussions like the memento debate above. I may write more on some reflections on love and relationships if people find it an interesting read? And it would be great to hear what people thought themselves.

 

But for now, it's book&sleep for me!

[Knoxpwns]

With how similar our breakups were and it happening on the same day, I find it an interesting read. I don't know, maybe it's me being more emotional than normal, but I find myself really wanting to know how you're doing and how you're getting better.

Somehow seeing someone else dealing with the same situation as me, it makes it easier to get through it myself.

[jonsnuh]

Today has been another positive day!

 

I still got distracted a lot at work (mainly through LS) but I got stuff done at a marginally faster rate than previously. I went to a meeting after work for the organisation we've set up and we caught up with this really brilliant, generous, inspiring woman who runs a local charity.

I feel fine. I'm living too much day by day perhaps, but it works for now. I'm going on holiday to my family soon.

 

The only moment that was slightly tougher today was doing some financey stuff which made me see transactions in my account for the past few months, so memories of dinners out etc which, by virtue of being more recent, are more upsetting because I keep thinking "Was he already feeling off then?". Also, I'm worried about the future because life will suddenly get that much more expensive. My parents are helping me with rent and I guess all the money that I was saving for a house deposit is suddenly a bit more moveable, but it's still quite a scary prospect and it will need some good budgeting if I want to have money to also do the "self-improvement" stuff I am planning. (Travelliiiiiing!)

 

I feel a compulsion to do lists (of things ex and I still need to sort out, of things to be looking to for self-improvement, etc) and to get into my planning mood (e.g. to plan what and when I will tell his parents, what books and activities I'll do on holiday). That's normally what I do to feel in control so it's a good compulsion to have, I just t got home too late tonight, but one to keep in mind if the weekend stagnates.

 

I'm a bit bored of this thread just being "I did this, I did that" so I've enjoyed inserting little bits of wider discussions like the memento debate above. I may write more on some reflections on love and relationships if people find it an interesting read? And it would be great to hear what people thought themselves.

 

But for now, it's book&sleep for me!

 

It's totally awesome that you are managing your finances. It seems like you've grown as a person by learning how to be alone again. I've had some epiphanies that I wished I had realized earlier about how sucked in I was into the relationship to neglect myself altogether. My personality changed, I wasn't myself and being in such a long-term relationship (6 years) led to complacency that detracted me from my long-term goals. When my ex said we needed to split for personal growth, looking back after 4 weeks of NC, I can now appreciate her insight.

 

I thought your momento bit was very interesting. Thanks for sharing. I guess we would come across the items we keep around cluttered in our basement of times past, but eventually we do have to end up letting go our painful memories and sometimes the good ones. The stuff I do keep have always been pleasant memories of achievements. I never keep reminders of failures, and I guess my emotions were right this time.

 

I frequently find myself thinking about my ex and what I could have done right to fix it. It depresses me when there are reminders of her everyday, but I've learned to let them go by focusing on myself. In a way, NOT giving me closure had saved me from a even greater bruising of my ego and possibly pushing me to considering suicide if the truth was that horrible. I try not to think about the other nasty things she said about her plans of what types of guys she would be seeing next... we would've never been able to be friends.

 

I doubt I'll be ready to ever get back into a relationship anytime soon, and this reasoning has kept me from any rebound relationship. I don't want to end up using and hurting another woman just for my own healing, when I know deep down that I need to man up and own this (topic of discussion?). As a guy, I've realized if I need to be competitive with the ladies, I need to have that kind of stuff when that opportunity does arise when I have to make my move. She's set the benchmark high for future women, but I know there are much better, high-quality women out there who weren't as easy (although I have to admit it's a bit daunting when your ex is an oncology pharmacist ). All the more reason to work smarter and achieve a lot more I suppose .

[unexpectedlyhere]

Quick update on yesterday before I get too far behind.

 

It was a fairly sad day, I just felt sad for no reason in the morning and it kind of stayed with me. The interesting thing was that I *knew* it was going to stay for a while and I knew also that it was going to go away because I had my first ever zumba session planned with my friends

It did go away. And the sad day felt just like that: a sad day - not a setback.

 

So overall, I'm pleased.

 

I think the sad day is also my subconscious slowly processing what my conscious part of the brain already knows: it's over. It was a very weird sad day, not morose, just... sad. Sullen sadness. The only problem with sullen sadness is that it's really hard to shake off.

 

I made a list of the lists I need to make

 

I'm off out but I'll try to write more tomorrow. But I did want to clarify for @jonsnuh: I *always* look after my own finances, and pretty much all the shared finances the ex and I had (bills, holidays etc). It's something I'm good at. But it is a slightly delicate moment in time, as I'm taking on much higher expenses, on the same salary.

[Virgil876]

I think you should put long walks down as a list of things to do.

[jonsnuh]

Quick update on yesterday before I get too far behind.

 

It was a fairly sad day, I just felt sad for no reason in the morning and it kind of stayed with me. The interesting thing was that I *knew* it was going to stay for a while and I knew also that it was going to go away because I had my first ever zumba session planned with my friends

It did go away. And the sad day felt just like that: a sad day - not a setback.

 

So overall, I'm pleased.

 

I think the sad day is also my subconscious slowly processing what my conscious part of the brain already knows: it's over. It was a very weird sad day, not morose, just... sad. Sullen sadness. The only problem with sullen sadness is that it's really hard to shake off.

 

I made a list of the lists I need to make

 

I'm off out but I'll try to write more tomorrow. But I did want to clarify for @jonsnuh: I *always* look after my own finances, and pretty much all the shared finances the ex and I had (bills, holidays etc). It's something I'm good at. But it is a slightly delicate moment in time, as I'm taking on much higher expenses, on the same salary.

 

@unh Sorry! I didn't mean to offend, and I made the mistake of assuming. The past may be over, but it's definitely a beginning to something greater and better if you want it to be . Time for another epic chapter of your life!

[Frog Princess]

unexpectedlyhere - you are one HECK of a woman. Hats off to you. What you're going through is not easy and you do it with such grace and ease. You are not running from your emotions, but embracing and sharing them. Finding ways to build yourself up in a productive manner is exactly what you need to successfully overcome your heartbreak.

 

I am in a similar situation. My ex and I broke up a few months back and have been NC for about two months. And you know what? It gets easier. I promise. Here are a few tactical suggestions I have for you:

 

1) Create a BUM. BUM stands for break up mix. My best friend and I came up with the term about 12 years ago. Genres for your BUM can vary. Personally, I believe that upbeat break up songs are better. A few songs on my BUM right now are "The Uprising", "Spice Up Your Life" & "There You Go". At first I started out with men bashing music because, well, it felt good at the time. I'm progressing to more dance songs and alternative music now. Your preference in music might be different.

 

2) Try to avoid the social networking updates from friends. It seems like you're getting a good handle on this from what I've read. You will find that as you start to block it out of your mind, you won't think about it at all.

 

3) It seems that when this first happened, you said that you did not have the mental capacity to do much. However, your posts are always well written with good content. One way that I coped with my break up was by starting my blog smoochingfrogs.com. Maybe that is something you might want to look into. Creating the platform and designing the page itself can be a lot off work which will occupy your time.

 

I wish you the best of luck and will continue to follow your journey. Many hugs and smooches to you!!!

[unexpectedlyhere]

@virgil876 I've never really been very good at going on walks, especially long aimless ones. I much prefer the sofa But it's been good weather so I have been walking around to places with friends.

 

@jonsnuh No worries, I wasn't offended... Just... wanted to set things straight I'm quite excited about this new chapter, when I'm not scared

 

@FrogPrincess Thank you for your compliments! I will take them all! I don't listen to much music so I'm not sure a BUM would work for me. Most of the songs would probably just remind me of the ex anyway (he was more into music than I was). Your number two is definitely something I should do more of. (I assume you meant asking after him to mutual friends, rather than something that actually has to do with social media? Anyway, more on this in my next post).

Re: mental capacity, I don't feel like I'm very able to engage in new concept, do "intellectual" stuff if you will. But always very able to talk about my feelings But for instance, I find the prospect of reading a new book a bit daunting now, but really enjoyed re-reading one I know and love.

[unexpectedlyhere]

The past two days were a weird mix. I spent them mainly with friends, being outdoors, meeting new people, treating myself, pushing myself. Nothing major but I would say, the right direction definitely.

But I was also really sad at times. One particular time I was heading back home on Saturday at around 7pm and felt like the day in itself hadn't been hard, because in a way I was doing exactly the same things I was doing pre-breakup: as my ex worked very hard, including most of the weekends, sometimes I'd go wander for the whole day with other friends, and be out of his way. But was markedly different about Saturday was that once I was alone on my way back, and I would normally speak to him in my head... this time, there's no one.

 

At some point this felt liberating. I had an excellent night yesterday with a friend that I don't see very often and don't hang out a lot with by myself. I stayed on later than I normally would have, didn't have to text or worry about anyone else, etc. On Saturday I got home at half 7 and went out again at half 8 to go all the way across the city again just because, well, I could. SO obviously it feels liberating from a practical point of view. But it also feels so empty. It's not just a matter of habit - although it obviously also is that, the feeling deprived of something you were used to have there, the ability to share anything. But it's also because really, I thought we were building something. The other experiences I had were things that enriched me, yes, but that I loved sharing. I loved that feeling of shared identity that you get with a couple.

 

Yesterday I ended up having a massive cry with a friend. I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened to me, to us, and it is still so raw and painful because it's a choice between realising my ex and I weren't matched and we should have pulled the plug on the relationship years and years ago, or thinking that we could still have been great for each other but he didn't even have the decency to give it one more shot. Both prospects, not exactly a valley of roses.

 

I know I'll be okay at "coping". But I want more. I want to understand. I want to accept. I want know that next time I love someone, I will love the right person, and I won't have this ever happen to me again. I still think my ex was the right person (not the only right person, but a right person I happened to meet). I just feel like the breakup left something so raw and hurt and whilst on one hand I am better about being myself on EVERYTHING ELSE (I've been more open about previous low mood, I'm less guarded with people, I try to be at once objective with my flaws but also forgiving of some of them), on the other I don't really know how I will ever trust my judgement again.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today was a weird day again, but again one more day of coping and somehow moving forward.

 

I had an appointment with my doctor this morning. He was *wonderful* (and he is one hot man! ). He had this soothing voice and manner and just told me that I was going to be fine, and that it was going to get better, and just asked me questions about the low moods, the breakup, things like whether I have company, I am sleeping and eating, making sure I'm not suicidal etc.

He listened to me when I explained why previous experiences of these mental health services hadn't been enough.

He gave me a referral to see a psychologist, they should be in touch with me in a few weeks when I am back from holiday. He said he doesn't suggest medication at this point but the way he said it also suggested it that it would be fine if I needed to go on medication for a period, you know, de-demonising it.

He was so different to my previous doctor, who took my "I'm okay, considering" as "I'm okay" (and only pointed me to self-referral).

I feel like I can trust him and go back to him if things get worse (and he said I should too, of course).

 

Then I worked from home and got a moderate amount of stuff done. I then had an interview for an extra job and while I don't really know whether I'm what they were looking for, I enjoyed the experience enormously, and actually came out of it with a huge ego boost. I looked great for the interview and I was confident and my ex was a fool etc etc.

 

Then I was getting home and it was hot, I could feel my period coming, I couldn't find my keys, I fell slightly on the stairs and really hurt my leg that is already problematic, had to do the rest of the stairs really slow, was rushing back for the bathroom and for a meeting at work and had massive cramps and my dress just wouldn't come off and I was just so overwhelmed by life. Normally my ex would help me in these situations, and probably looking back at it he hated them or resented me but I found it so tough to have to do this all on my own.

 

I somehow finished my working day, and was so tired from a bad night of sleep and the period pains that I decided to try and go to sleep and just before I did I missed him so acutely it was crazy. I didn't ACTUALLY feel like breaking no contact but I wished for some situation where he'd still care, I just wanted to tell him how much I missed him (not just for the selfish reason of he helps me out when I'm having a tough day... Just the fact that he cared for me, loved me, and rooted for me in life). Anyway, I was so tired and in pain that I eventually fell asleep for about an hour, dreamt that I was on holiday somewhere exotic with my family but without him because we'd just broken up (as is about to happen, except the somewhere exotic). When I woke up I had a chat with a friend to whom I'd told I missed my ex and I explained the falling asleep etc and she said (she's brilliant), in a nutshell: your feelings are very normal, and, you went to sleep and now you feel better. You are able to take care of yourself and make yourself better, independently.

 

Then I went out for some work I needed to do and it went a lot better than I thought it did, I had a sincere chat with the woman I am working with who also went through heartbreak etc. I only came back now and the only problem is I am totally behind on getting ready for my holiday, I leave on Wednesday!

 

Overall, I still feel like I'm doing the right things and having healthy reactions to things. I just hope I'll be happier one day soon

[unexpectedlyhere]

Things I forgot about Sunday!

 

1) My friend that I saw in the evening, he kind of knew about the breakup from another mutual friend but because he thought he wasn't supposed to know, and I thought he didn't know, we ignored it in the beginning. But then he seemed to know stuff like who I'm moving in with next year, and not to have asked about my ex for so long... So I just brought it up, and he admitted he did know, but that he didn't know how long to go before it was time to mention he knew... It was funny Anyway, later on he asked me how long it'd been, and I had to think about it and said "A little over three weeks" and he said "Oh! So not that long ago!" and I chose to interpret that as I'm doing well for a recent breakup (in his eyes, of what he saw that evening)

 

2) When I saw my friend and we had the really long conversation and I cried, etc., one of the things she told me is that she'd seen another mutual friend (whom I've so far avoided because, to be honest, I don't really want to spend time with her right now! She's the "wrong" friend, used to have a crush on my ex when I met him and they lived together and it took ages to resolve the issue) and this mutual friend had been out of drinks with my ex. The way she told my friend about it:

* My ex is worried about me

* "As is usual with him", she couldn't tell whether he was okay or not

* Apparently, he feels like he should talk to me, to which I replied "Yes he bl**dy well should, we have to arrange when he comes to split things" and my friend said "No, I think he meant in the explaining kind of way"

And whilst my first reaction to this was "Well he's not that worried about me if he's not really asking after me or sending people after me" and "I don't think I'm interested in an explanation, it would only set me back", I can't help but realise that I hope he does explain some more...

I'm also really disappointed that one of the people he turns to in the time of need is this person (long story, but anyway, they're not really friends), although I guess that shows me that actually, he has very few people around him.

 

I keep being convinced he must be going through a ****ty time dealing with all of this and not sharing with anyone, but then, that's how he lived all his life and perhaps he is perfectly happy not sharing this with anyone. On the other hand, when he didn't share his unhappiness with me, he did end up pretty much destroying half of what he had.

 

Anyway, I'm keener for answers to the post above this one, but I thought it important to journal these two moments.

[fujidabruin]

The past two days were a weird mix. I spent them mainly with friends, being outdoors, meeting new people, treating myself, pushing myself. Nothing major but I would say, the right direction definitely.

But I was also really sad at times. One particular time I was heading back home on Saturday at around 7pm and felt like the day in itself hadn't been hard, because in a way I was doing exactly the same things I was doing pre-breakup: as my ex worked very hard, including most of the weekends, sometimes I'd go wander for the whole day with other friends, and be out of his way. But was markedly different about Saturday was that once I was alone on my way back, and I would normally speak to him in my head... this time, there's no one.

 

At some point this felt liberating. I had an excellent night yesterday with a friend that I don't see very often and don't hang out a lot with by myself. I stayed on later than I normally would have, didn't have to text or worry about anyone else, etc. On Saturday I got home at half 7 and went out again at half 8 to go all the way across the city again just because, well, I could. SO obviously it feels liberating from a practical point of view. But it also feels so empty. It's not just a matter of habit - although it obviously also is that, the feeling deprived of something you were used to have there, the ability to share anything. But it's also because really, I thought we were building something. The other experiences I had were things that enriched me, yes, but that I loved sharing. I loved that feeling of shared identity that you get with a couple.

 

Yesterday I ended up having a massive cry with a friend. I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened to me, to us, and it is still so raw and painful because it's a choice between realising my ex and I weren't matched and we should have pulled the plug on the relationship years and years ago, or thinking that we could still have been great for each other but he didn't even have the decency to give it one more shot. Both prospects, not exactly a valley of roses.

 

I know I'll be okay at "coping". But I want more. I want to understand. I want to accept. I want know that next time I love someone, I will love the right person, and I won't have this ever happen to me again. I still think my ex was the right person (not the only right person, but a right person I happened to meet). I just feel like the breakup left something so raw and hurt and whilst on one hand I am better about being myself on EVERYTHING ELSE (I've been more open about previous low mood, I'm less guarded with people, I try to be at once objective with my flaws but also forgiving of some of them), on the other I don't really know how I will ever trust my judgement again.

 

UNH..... I think you are just amazing. Such good and healthy introspection.....

 

At day 17 of NC I feel I am realizing we just were not gonna work and it was doomed cause of her unresolved issues. I also take responsibility for my part too. But, I am pissed that it had to be this way. Like WTF!!! We had such a good thing going and she would say that to me not more than a month ago.

 

I have accepted it is over. I am honestly grateful for over a year that we had together. Its over now and I would not go back if she asked me tonight!!! I am now hurt AND angry that I have to build myself up again. Its weird though..... cause I still have all this love inside me that she does not deserve but I need to express out in he world somehow.....

 

Anyway, I strive to move upward and onward. Thanks UNH for being you!

[fujidabruin]

Just a BTW for you.....

 

UNH, I am interested if you believe there is the "One" out there for you?

Or do you believe there are many "Ones" out there for you?

 

I am starting to think there are many "ones" or even some "0.95's" out there for me. Just a matter of timing to get it perpetuating as the relationship that I strive to create.

 

I do still think my ex was a "One" for me. Probs just bad timing.

[jonsnuh]

The past two days were a weird mix.

But I was also really sad at times. One particular time I was heading back home on Saturday at around 7pm and felt like the day in itself hadn't been hard, because in a way I was doing exactly the same things I was doing pre-breakup: as my ex worked very hard, including most of the weekends, sometimes I'd go wander for the whole day with other friends, and be out of his way. But was markedly different about Saturday was that once I was alone on my way back, and I would normally speak to him in my head... this time, there's no one.

 

Especially on Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, I wonder if she's out getting hammered, dancing the night away with another man or having wild monkey sex. It's not healthy, but I've noticed it comes with comparing what I am doing in the present, which leads to what we could've been doing this very moment together, and then snapping back to reality that she's not here and that she's out enjoying herself with no thought and feelings of me.

 

Yesterday I ended up having a massive cry with a friend. I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened to me, to us, and it is still so raw and painful because it's a choice between realising my ex and I weren't matched and we should have pulled the plug on the relationship years and years ago, or thinking that we could still have been great for each other but he didn't even have the decency to give it one more shot. Both prospects, not exactly a valley of roses.

 

I've realized that for my ex (and I guess for myself as well), it was probably easier and much more fun to meet new people and not have to walk on eggshells any longer. It was also possible that her tastes changed, like how she's been working at hospitals with older men she looks up to and works with. Anything to advance her career, or so she said.

 

I know I'll be okay at "coping". But I want more. I want to understand. I want to accept. I want know that next time I love someone, I will love the right person, and I won't have this ever happen to me again. I still think my ex was the right person (not the only right person, but a right person I happened to meet). I just feel like the breakup left something so raw and hurt and whilst on one hand I am better about being myself on EVERYTHING ELSE (I've been more open about previous low mood, I'm less guarded with people, I try to be at once objective with my flaws but also forgiving of some of them), on the other I don't really know how I will ever trust my judgement again.

 

That's the spirit! I can also not help but think that she was right for me, if I had not pursued her so soon until I had met other women casually and grown knowing myself well enough not to lose myself to a relationship as deep as this one. No point in regretting now-- you live and learn.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I will eventually reply to you guys as I have stuff to say (whenever have I not!), but first... HELP!!! The dreaded first shared birthday invite!

 

I have basically told the person in question (which is, incidentally, the girl I mentioned above as the "wrong" friend) that I may or may not go, and that I will keep her posted on whether I buy a ticket to the event, but that I don't know now whether I will be in a place to potentially meet the ex socially in mid-September, and that anyway I should have seen him again by then which may help my decision.

 

She replied saying she didn't expect we'd both come but she invited us both because she didn't want to favour one person over another, and that if I bought a ticket, it's up to me but she would let him know.

 

WHAT DO I SAY TO THIS?

 

I don't think she should let him know. I don't think she should tell me what he is doing, either (save for probably panicking the day before and asking her to tell me whether he's going or not). I've drafted an email trying to explain it all, but it's long and wordy and just too much information, but I don't know how else to tackle this issue!

[Legatus]

As you said: you don't know where you would be (but I have a feeling it will be a great place) so don't risk it.

 

It's good to get out of it now, then make an excuse in September if (0.0001% chance) you won't be ready. Besides you may be great at the time but who knows what happens if you see him, and moreover you don't know how we may behave in your presence.

 

My opinion: if it's not a very good friends, send a card, politely decline, explaining in simple sentence you may be away or made other plans already..

[unexpectedlyhere]

Ok, what about:

 

Hi,

Just on the social etiquette side - I think what you did in inviting us both in a way that we would know we were both invited is the best way to deal with these situations! You should in no case feel like you're forced to choose.

 

At the same time, I don't think it's fair on X for him to have to base his decision on what I am doing (and viceversa), and it would be tiresome for you to have to do the back and forth.

 

I hope it is very obvious from this, I DEFINITELY don't want her telling him whether I have bought the tickets or not. Am very tempted, knowing the person, to just write "SO LEAVE IT BE" after the last sentence above.

[Legatus]

Well, you left your options open, which is good. I don't think so much information is needed but then again you know the level of the friendship with this person best.

 

It's just I think you shouldn't even mention him or you two in this message. She was polite to let you both know, but you don't really have to comment on that, do you ?

[unexpectedlyhere]

Mmmm ok, now I'm thinking maybe I don't need to reply at all!

 

I'm trying to figure out what I find uncomfortable. I think maybe I don't need to worry until I have actually decided whether I want to buy a ticket (which in turn does not mean, deciding I'm going).

 

Overthinking stuff today, clearly!

[Legatus]

I know, I noticed.. I'm usually a heavy overthinker myself!

 

You got it right now, you actually don't have to answer until you're sure what to do. You can kindly reply "I'll let you know", but it's nobody's business why, unless it's a very, and I'm very good friend at least..

[jonsnuh]

I know, I noticed.. I'm usually a heavy overthinker myself!

 

You got it right now, you actually don't have to answer until you're sure what to do. You can kindly reply "I'll let you know", but it's nobody's business why, unless it's a very, and I'm very good friend at least..

 

I'd leave it at "I'll let you know." Simple and straight to the point.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'm going for no reply.

 

But I will reply here! So, backtracking a bit.

 

@fuji Thank you for saying that I am amazing and for thanking me for being me. I do always come across way better "on paper" (or rather, via online forums) than in real life though.

Re: "the One". I don't believe in it and I haven't for a long time (prior to even meeting my first reciprocated One, which was this ex). I believe there are several "the Ones" and I thought (and still think, most days) that my ex was one One that I just happened to meet. Obviously, once you think you have found one One and you get together, they become The One, because you don't need to meet any others. Or so you think until they break up with you

At the moment I think I will love again, but this relationship will probably leave me with some issues I need to overcome first (or later!). I hope I find another One, because I do still dream (present serious doubts about whether you can ever know anyone at all resolved) of a life shared, a family, a successful partnership, of bringing something to another person's life.

 

@jonsnuh I'm not really picturing my ex having fun necessarily (I do try to imagine him already with someone else, but in a slightly pathetic way I guess) but I do very much picture him NOT CARING about me. And it hurts and helps at the same time.

I do tend not to blame myself for this relationship ending, but it's hard not to have regrets when a relationship of nearly six and a half year ends. I don't think they are all *faults* of mine, but I do wish I'd done some things differently.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today I was really stressed (still am): I am leaving tomorrow, have tons of things to do at work, etc.

 

I woke up feeling stressed and slightly triggered by reading other people's stories on Loveshack and immediately triggered when I saw he'd added a new friend on Facebook (a woman). (Yes I know I shouldn't look. I find it very hard to let go of the control though).

 

Then I went to work and actually had my best working day so far despite all the stresses. I even spoke to the ex's brother who was starting a new job and was nice to him and felt utterly confident and skirted the topics that were more painful to me and felt totally like I knew what I was doing.

 

A few hours later as I was about to leave with a big heap of undone stuff, I missed him again (I really can't remember what triggered it) and really really felt like I just wanted him back, and to clarify all this, and move on from this pain. I also felt apprehensive about the holiday I'm about to go on, because I'm scared I'll have too much time to myself and will go backwards instead of forward.

 

Then I felt a lot better again, saw people (told them about the situation, they told me I'm holding together really well), felt efficient, just had a nice (if very unproductive) chat with my flatmate, etc.

 

I think it may be my period that is influencing my mood within the same day (in the past, sad moments came but tended to be shorter and less overwhelming when they came during the day).

[unexpectedlyhere]

For those of you who are fans of my introspective thoughts, some stuff I produced today in IM'ing a friend:

 

(on how my current patterns / triggers for sadness are different to what they used to be for my low mood)

 

My friend: That means this isn't your low mood. This is you breaking up wth someone in a healthy way.

Me: I think so. It's like having to deal with the breakup is forcing me to live in the present which on the other hand is easing the low moods.

I'm still not as functional as a healthy person even when I'm not down about missing him, but it feels like an improvement on how I used to feel [due to the low moods].

BRAINS ARE FRIKKING AMAZING

 

And again on triggers and emotional responses:

 

If I generalise, in the past few days it seems to have been: feeling stressed or insecure, or feeling like "life is normal" -> memories of when he would help me / memories of when "normal life" included him in my inner narrative (like, I would see my friends alone, then comment about it in my head with him as the audience) -> realisation that he's not here to help / share everyday life with -> emotional response

And the emotional response is either missing his presence terribly, or (/and) disbelief at him leaving me to face life alone and, more rarely, anger at him suddenly taking the carpet from under my feet.

(I'm not saying these are correct things to be thinking, just trying to get them down so I can remember them, may mention to a psychologist if they persist).

Looking at it holistically, I think I'm furthest along in dealing with the trauma of the breakup, after that I started accepting that the romantic relationship is gone and with it "the future together", but now I'm dealing with accepting he also opted out of helping me in stressful times for me.

That was an area where I was very dependent on him so I suppose it makes sense it's giving me some anxiety.

 

In writing both of these I felt like I had some clarity about what I am going through. I thought there were important to add here. It's interesting to see this as my brain (& heart? Soul? Mind? Whatever is involved) processing several things at once, it hadn't occurred to me before. Even if I am often going through cycles of anger, bitterness, denial, sadness they do feel slightly different every time and this is why I still think I am moving forward. (I hope this is not denial )

Edited August 14, 2013 by unexpectedlyhere
iffy pronouns