Healing

[unexpectedlyhere]

@portableversion Yes, 6.5 years is not easy at all. I don't think he was pursuing other women, even emotionally, so it's hard because I can't even be mad at him.

 

Good luck to you with your rollercoaster.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today was nice for the having a day out with friends part, but I just miss him so much it's unbelievable. I miss being out with friends and him. I miss him hugging my sadness away. I miss him, miss him, miss him and I cried this time about it ending, about "us" not existing anymore. I still can't really believe it happened, despite all the rationalising. I can't believe he doesn't want the happiness we had anymore. I can't believe it wasn't happiness for him.

 

I miss the ease of it, I miss the intimacy, I miss the friendship, I miss that we had something that was special and all ours and that was always there between us.

 

I miss everything and I want it back so badly.

 

I thought this would happen yesterday (which would have been the 6.5 yrs and instead was the 2 weeks from breakup), and instead I got it today.

 

I wish that he missed me as badly as I do and it counts for nothing that I tell myself that he may well miss me, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think leaving me was the best decision.

 

It's really though when I keep thinking that all the bads were workable and all the good was so easily reachable and vastly outpaid the bads. He evidently doesn't and it kills me because I just don't get it. I don't get it and I never will.

 

I know how this turns out in the end. My best friend in my teens turned her back on me and I never really understood why. I have my theories but in the end the essence is that this type of acts are reactions to irrational, inexplicable instincts people have. And with time I just had to accept she had chosen this, and I could do nothing about it, and I would never know why it happened. I just cannot picture how it would happen about this relationship. It's a thousand times more painful, and it was a thousand times more important.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Never been so tempted to break NC - well, other than when I actually did, but that conversation was worthwhile because it brought me closure.

 

I don't even know what I would say to him right now. Probably because I already know I would be heartbroken by his reply, whatever I told him.

 

Tonight I struggle to see how I'll pull myself out of this one. My previous posts read like empty pep-talks.

[unexpectedlyhere]

This all feels like a huge setback. I'm sad like I was when it'd just happened and the anger for what he's done to me by leaving has subsided in favour of "I wish he hadn't left". I *still* believe we could have worked things out a thousand times over. My head is completely refractary to the fact that HE REFUSED ALL OPPORTUNITIES TO WORK THINGS OUT.

 

I think it's because I'm remembering the happy times a lot too and I can't get into his mind and see why he doesn't.

Edited August 5, 2013 by unexpectedlyhere
grammar

[keepontruckin]

I think it's because I'm remembering the happy times a lot too and I can't get into his mind and see why he doesn't.

He's remembering the bad times, and only the bad times, to justify his actions to himself, thus making the break easy for him.

 

You are only remembering the good times, thus making things hard for you.

 

When my wife split, I found that a good coping mechanism was to use the one that she was already using... Try to focus on the bad times... The flaws.

 

You weren't perfect, he wasn't perfect, I'm not perfect, and neither was my wife.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thanks @keepontruckin, I think that's absolutely true but I can't help the happy memories that pop into my mind. And I think at the moment I keep thinking the bad stuff is solvable. The answer to that is: but it shouldn't be always up to you to solve everything. He decided to wash his hands of it all and it doesn't make sense to ignore that as if I could hold up the relationship on my own.

 

One of the things he told me is that he used to see us as the perfect couple and now he saw us as destined for a life of bad habits and felt no assurance about the future. I keep thinking: nobody is perfect. No couple is either. Just f*cking work through stuff, man. Humans are incredible and can do anything. Even this. Especially this. This should be the easy stuff.

 

I think I need to focus on the fact he left like that. Dwell on the trauma and the abandonment I felt. And then tell myself: Why would I want to be with someone like that?

[anythingbut]

"and there's no nicot-him patch"

 

LOOOOL!!

 

@unexpectedlhere, it's monday evening after a busy weekend and as I was driving home from Crossfit this evening I was genuinely looking forward to reading your diary! haha!

 

Okay, firstly I'm really sorry to see that you took a bit of a turn for the worse on sunday. I know exactly how you feel, trust me - I've been there. You have these lucid moments where you're like 'hang on, yeah I'm gonna do this, it all makes sense and I'm big enough and ugly enough to deal with this" then all of a sudden, the next morning/evening/afternoon/whatever you're in another dimension of upset where you miss them so badly it aches. Inevitably fixated on all the good memories, and obsessing about how they could possibly have been so ICY COLD in the execution of their decision. It really hurts - and it feels like one step forward, 43 backwards.

 

I also remember clearly about 2/3 weeks into NC, pretty similar to you, I went up to london for the weekend to visit friends. We were out and about having a great time, but all of a sudden, at around 1am when the drink was really starting to take it's toll, everyone kind of paired up into couples and I remember the NC/break up hit me like a sledgehammer. Remember thinking 'woah, I've got no on etexting me telling me they miss me. No text on my phone asking me if 'm having a good time. No phonecalls asking what time do I want picking up. Nothing at all - and this feeling of intense despair descended on me and I left the pub I was in immediately and just went outside and had a cry. It was a horrendous, lonely moment that will stick with me forever I reckon. But you know what? I dusted myself off and went back in and carried on... until eventually I passed out!! haha!

 

So I guess what I'm saying is, don't worry, what you're going through is perfectly natural. It's normal to feel the loneliness; it's normal to lament the other person's capacity to hurt you so badly and so unexpectedly, and it's normal, in spite of the aforementioned, to miss them so badly it hurts.

 

Keep yourself busy; keep exercising and releasing those endorphines and keep spending time with the people you love. Know that it's inevitable that you'll have setbacks, but know that you'll get through them, too.

 

And keep writing this diary!

 

Big hugs

[unexpectedlyhere]

@anythingbut Thanks for the kind words! I reread the whole weekend's worth of posts to see what it looked like from your point of view and I don't sound as mad as I thought, just... in pain.

 

Anyway, you described the mood swings pretty well so I can tell you've been there yourself!

[fujidabruin]

Hi UnH,

 

I was compelled to chime in on your thread in hopes that you could give me clarity about my rough day 9 of NC. You seem to be doing so well..... Cudos to you!!!

 

Thought I would always be friends with my ex. Were together over a year till she could not stay in a committed and we broke up amicably till she found a casual 3 months later and I had to go full NC.

 

I had been so proud of myself for finally knowing I needed her out of my life to move forward. Now on day 9, I am crushed..... Saw this quote:

"At some point in your life you will become aware that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life".

 

That just resonated with me so quick that I cried for the first time in over a week. Had in the back of my mind that I would return to her life as a true friend no matter how long I had to stay in full NC. We were so in sync together physically and mentally. Even when we had our last meeting before NC began. We were just so comfortable, considerate, and able to process through a lot together. Now, I feel like maybe my old lover, partner, companion, and friend could and should be outta my life for ever.

 

Its been eating me up all afternoon. Just want to cry again every time I think about it.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'm very sleepy, but today's update is important I think.

It still felt likea setback day overall because I woke up unhappy, cried often, and I "broke NC" - I didn't write to the ex but to the ex's brother, who is a friend and with his girlfriend has been IM'ing me to keep me entertained. But I wrote to him to ask after the ex a bit and to ask for his honest feelings (the brother's) about the breakup. The point I need to learn is, nobody can give me the kind of answers I want, because they are not really even about this. They are about the nature of love, trust, loss, and self-awareness.

He obviously wrote something fairly nice but completely monotone, nothing I hadn't torn already several times over.

To top my briliant day off, fate chose today for my first ever experience of creepy lewd guy who follows me on public transport in this city.

 

Men, your currency is a bit low around here!

 

Positives of today:

I told my line manager and she was *awesome* about it. She told me she went through a similar thing at my age and that even though at the time it felt like a disaster it turned into the best year of her life. She was full of wisdom and really cool about it, so happy about it.

Towards the end of the day I was able to have a chat with my flatmate about OTHER things than my ex.

I dodged the f*cker on public transport by getting off at a station and getting back onto the train through the next door. He was left on the platform. HA!

 

Positives of other days, that I had forgotten:

The housing situation got solved in the best possible way, so yay

I got an interview for an extra little job, it comes with accredited training, I would be very pleased to get it

[unexpectedlyhere]

@fuji I don't think I have much more wisdom than you, but boy do I know what you mean.

It's very hard for me to accept it because I want to be "fair", and "adult", and "mature", and NC doesn't always feel it. It's part of the incredibly high expectations we have of ourselves that we think we can accept that we're no longer a couple and just be cool in all social situations because we swore to ourselves we wouldn't force our friends to choose.

 

I've realised though, I was right when I told my ex "If we break up I'm going to have to hate you, because I love you too much".

I can't be fair to his memory now. If I am, I will keep in a loop either of blind adoration, or of complete disbelief. And I don't need either. I need to ARCHIVE EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW, and slowly start a new life. Much later, when the thought of him is greeted with distance, I can maybe, if life throws us together again, be his friend. If I can be bothered.

 

You're putting them away. It doesn't deny the good stuff. It just accepts the fact they wrote a full stop after it. You start the new paragraph

[fujidabruin]

@fuji I don't think I have much more wisdom than you, but boy do I know what you mean.

It's very hard for me to accept it because I want to be "fair", and "adult", and "mature", and NC doesn't always feel it. It's part of the incredibly high expectations we have of ourselves that we think we can accept that we're no longer a couple and just be cool in all social situations because we swore to ourselves we wouldn't force our friends to choose.

 

I've realised though, I was right when I told my ex "If we break up I'm going to have to hate you, because I love you too much".

I can't be fair to his memory now. If I am, I will keep in a loop either of blind adoration, or of complete disbelief. And I don't need either. I need to ARCHIVE EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW, and slowly start a new life. Much later, when the thought of him is greeted with distance, I can maybe, if life throws us together again, be his friend. If I can be bothered.

 

 

 

You're putting them away. It doesn't deny the good stuff. It just accepts the fact they wrote a full stop after it. You start the new paragraph

 

Thank you for your words. Its like they are the ones that are in my head but my heart is denying. You have def provided some clarity for me here. I will start working on my next paragraph..... :-/

[LostInTheWild]

I dodged the f*cker on public transport by getting off at a station and getting back onto the train through the next door. He was left on the platform. HA!

 

OMG this made my whole day -- I can't stop laughing!!! Thank you!

[unexpectedlyhere]

@fuji @lostinthewild Glad to be of service. Anytime. Actually, no, not anytime - would rather avoid slimeballs in the future.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Yo, today was BRILLIANT!

 

I was in training all day with some colleagues that aren't normally based in my office. Only one of them (HR person who put me off sick when it happened) knew about my situation. We went out for drinks afterwards. I had a meeting in the evening with three other ladies to officially found an organisation and they were friendly, inspiring and made me feel like my life is going somewhere. Then I went back to have another chat with my colleagues!

I was actually engaged for the whole day, I was distracted.

Even though I had LOTS of good memories of him because of where we were, somehow today my brain could hold both sets of information: person with whom I had great times AND person that left me in a really heartless way, and didn't love me or respect me at the end of our relationship. And I was fine with that.

 

I'm kind of disappointed in his brother too because of his bland reply, I perfectly understand why he's trying to keep himself out of this but it makes me realise that it's not a great idea to speak to him. I haven't decided yet, but I may ask him and his girlfriend for a bit of a break in communications for a month or so.

 

Whenever I found myself dwelling too much on thoughts of the ex, I pictured a big "Access denied" sign coming up, and tried to move on.

 

I've also set him to "Never show" on Gchat - I had done this yesterday but slightly panicked about it and reversed it after frantically looking at how you do that! Today it feels fine instead. I'm also going to block the brother on Skype, I think, because I just end up wondering "Are they talking?" and, to be honest... Who cares.

 

Next step, keeping this up!

Edited August 7, 2013 by unexpectedlyhere
changed to "reversed" from "reserved" :P

[Knoxpwns]

I relate heavily to you, I was in a situation quite similar. Had lived with her for 5 years. I know what it's like to be down on yourself a lot, it's something I struggle with myself. Everyone deserves someone who always believes in them, but I found out the hard way that it's worse to believe in someone when they don't believe in you.

 

It's awesome you had a great day, I'm looking forward to one myself. Every day feels a bit better

[LostInTheWild]

I'm so glad you're feeling better! It gives me hope to hold onto that someday I will feel as good as you again and be able to show up in the professional world like I'm there to get the job done!

[fujidabruin]

Yo, today was BRILLIANT!

 

I was in training all day with some colleagues that aren't normally based in my office. Only one of them (HR person who put me off sick when it happened) knew about my situation. We went out for drinks afterwards. I had a meeting in the evening with three other ladies to officially found an organisation and they were friendly, inspiring and made me feel like my life is going somewhere. Then I went back to have another chat with my colleagues!

I was actually engaged for the whole day, I was distracted.

Even though I had LOTS of good memories of him because of where we were, somehow today my brain could hold both sets of information: person with whom I had great times AND person that left me in a really heartless way, and didn't love me or respect me at the end of our relationship. And I was fine with that.

 

I'm kind of disappointed in his brother too because of his bland reply, I perfectly understand why he's trying to keep himself out of this but it makes me realise that it's not a great idea to speak to him. I haven't decided yet, but I may ask him and his girlfriend for a bit of a break in communications for a month or so.

 

Whenever I found myself dwelling too much on thoughts of the ex, I pictured a big "Access denied" sign coming up, and tried to move on.

 

I've also set him to "Never show" on Gchat - I had done this yesterday but slightly panicked about it and reversed it after frantically looking at how you do that! Today it feels fine instead. I'm also going to block the brother on Skype, I think, because I just end up wondering "Are they talking?" and, to be honest... Who cares.

 

Next step, keeping this up!

You have inspired me. I especially like the visualization of the "Access Denied" sign when your thoughts wander into that useless and illusionary void. Spent almost 2 hours today getting rid of old emails/texts/instagrams/FB messages; etc.

 

Today I also started thinking of her as a stalker looking to hurt me everytime I allowed her to get too close.

[unexpectedlyhere]

@Knoxpwns I hope you feel better about yourself - and that can be read as a present tense, or a future tense.

When I realised my ex no longer believed in me, that's when I started accepting it: incredible as it is to me that he could do it, if he stopped having faith in me and us, that's his loss. Sometimes I didn't show it, but I definitely had enough hope in me for both. Now, there's more hope for just me!

 

@LostInTHeWild Thank you. The moment will come for you too! And don't be too hard on yourself: it's understandable that you won't be able to give 100% all the time at work. You can try though! Make that the focus of your day. I'm curious to see how I'll be tomorrow when I go back to the boring stuff.

[unexpectedlyhere]

@fuji Glad I've inspired you, this is what LS is all about! I could *never* delete emails, photos and messages. But luckily I'm good at not looking at them.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Another good day!

 

I really enjoyed spending time with colleagues, and had a friend come over for dinner and it felt pretty normal. I did stuff around the house and started to separate books and DVDs so that there are shelves of his stuff only for ease when we need to split it up.

I didn't really have to think of "Access denied" because, I'm not sure what I thought about most of the day but I didn't dwell on him.

My line manager was around and apart from having crazy stories about her holidays, she'd bought me chocolates

 

In boring news: my flatmate still sees the ex's relationship status as In a relationship with me, so perhaps he's hidden it from my sister but nor from her. Interestingly, my flatmate only discovered now that he blocked me/put me on limited profile on FB last week, so she unfriended him because she said he was too childish and she wasn't going to be seeing him ever again anyway! It made me laugh because she had almost a more emotional reaction to me being blocked than me (I lie of course, I cried and felt sad, but never did anything rash).

I do not want to talk evil of my ex because I know the reasons I loved him, but these little behaviours such as not wanting to "publicly admit" we are broken up, are SO CHILDISH!

Still boring news: have blocked ex and his brother on Skype, just to kill off the temptation. A friend suggested I should "do the bigger thing" and tell the ex I'm blocking him, but I disagree. Skype and Gchat were never main ways of communicating for us, and I'm still reachable to him if he needs me for practical purposes. It's just something I've done for me.

 

A friend of mine phoned me this evening and I thought he was on the "Unh-watch" (i.e. the friends that periodically check on me to make sure I'm okay) so I was all breezy until he told me he was actually calling me to ask me for a favour... to possibly stay at mine, because it looked like his boyfriend had cheated on him. I was dumbfounded. They're still talking about it, and I hope they work it out, but... as if I needed any more evidence that relationships are treacherous things!

 

I'm starting to see a way out of the "crisis" moment, merely because my autonomy and self-sustenance have slightly increased in length. I need to make sure that there is a real good thing starting to take shape under the label "My future", for when I'm ready for the next step.

[anythingbut]

Progress, progress

 

...Keep it coming UH, I'm with you every step of the way!!

[Legatus]

@fuji Glad I've inspired you, this is what LS is all about! I could *never* delete emails, photos and messages. But luckily I'm good at not looking at them.

 

I'm exactly the same. I've got all pictures, but only looked like twice over a month and a half ago. In the future those will be just pictures like other photos from my past with friends or girls I don't know anymore ..

[jonsnuh]

Instead of keeping momentos of my ex, I threw out everything that reminded me of her.

 

Now I wonder if I will regret this into the future. She hurt and burned me so hard I wanted to forget everything about her, and told her to do the same before I started NC.

 

 

Thank you for your diary. I look at this everyday and it gives me a lot of comfort knowing that I'm not alone. Knowing that she doesn't want to be my friend and will never get back together with me sucks hard.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'll post my update at the end of the day (and I do hope that's before 2am this time, the past two days I've LS-binged!). But in the meantime, since you mention it, let's have it!

 

The Mementos Debate

 

I have difficulties throwing away ANYTHING. I've gotten better at it but in essence I'm still a bit of a hoarder. But I could NEVER get rid of stuff that belonged to someone I loved or that had any other kind of affective value.

 

Case in point: seven years ago I was in a relationship for about a year for a guy I only saw when I was back home (and I was studying abroad for chunks of three months at a time), it was an open relationship and we didn't love each other, were just friends. I got him a jumper for Christmas and, in "answer", he got me a jumper that looked pretty much the same, just my size, and a different shade. I had that jumped for years, brought it with me through all these moves, and hardly ever wear it because actually, it doesn't look particularly flattering on me. FINALLY last year I managed to give it to a friend, so that it would help me declutter but I would still get to see it sometimes - they had to PROMISE they wouldn't get rid of it. And this is for someone that I never even loved, I just have nice memories of!

(You want know the irony, guess who I gave the jumper to? My "current" ex's brother, so that it would "stay in the family"! As if!)

 

Another case in point: as a "moral high road" on my "current" ex, guess what I'm sleeping in? An old t-shirt of my very first ex, which I have kept for what's now close to ten years

 

And so on and so forth.

 

I'm just LIKE that. But then on the other hand, I'm currently still living with a lot of things that belong to my most recent boyfriend, in the house we shared, and it doesn't really make me think of him too much. And anyway, mostly not in a triggering way.

I can't easily get rid of things, because it feels like I'm getting rid of myself. But I don't think it's impeding my healing.

 

On the other hand, if you have thrown everything in a fit of rage? Maybe you will miss the pictures one day, but really... you don't miss what you don't see. I think it's scientifically proven! With time, you'll never even REMEMBER you had things that you got rid of, because simply by virtue of them not being there, it'll be really hard for them to come to mind...