Healing

[unexpectedlyhere]

Happened so far: boyfriend of nearly 6.5 yrs of which 5 cohabiting broke up with me about ten days ago, walking out. Have gone through angry phase, sad phase, hopeful phase etc. Have obsessed over the whys and wherefores of the breakup. Yesterday the ex and I ended up having a conversation about what happened and why it happened and it was very long and painful and contained a lot of "I wish we'd...", "I wish I'd...", "If only we'd seen it before..." etc.

Ultimately, it helped me see why it is the right thing that we're no longer together, for both of us. He fell out of love with me because I was down about myself. I don't blame him: it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. But I also kept telling him that I would eventually pull myself out of it, because I have this thing inside me that always does once things go too far. I'm sad that "too far" meant at the complete cost of our relationship. But that doesn't really depend on anyone. However, talking to him made me realise that he stopped believing in me before I did. So it's okay we're not together now, because I deserve someone who believes in me even when I don't.

I felt happy after this conversation, like I'd had some closure, like we'd had an adult breakup instead of a childish one. This happened last night. I already feel better about myself - I have been since he left - because thinking "I won't let this sweep me away" makes me believe in myself and gives me a sense of purpose.

I still know I have tough times ahead of me. I have 6.5 years of experiences and hopes and dreams to say goodbye to, and to mourn. I have to reinvent myself and remember to think of me, not just my self-improvement and changing the things I got wrong in this relationship, but also being more accepting and forgiving of myself, of rewarding myself in meaningful ways, not just by watching tv. I have to re-learn what it's like to crave a hug, and not have it. I have to learn, for the first time ever in my life, what it means to live without a plan, and how to build one from scratch.

 

I feel serene now, but I know I may feel sad again, and angry, and hopeless, as I go through this process. I know I'm likely to get stuck when the healing process goes from "taking care of this crisis and holding on" to "keep building something meaningful".

Hopefully this thread can serve as a diary. And if you have any thoughts and ways of living that have helped you, I sure can do with hearing as many as possible, opening my mind, and learning something new.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I think I'm doing ok. I can picture me telling friends why we broke up in a tasteful manner that isn't unfair to him. I've dreamt of him, but in the dreams we were broken up too, even though we were sort of hanging out. I miss the good times, but I don't want him back.

 

Today I noticed he made the relationship status on Facebook invisible (but not changed it yet, because I still look In a relationship with him), added a friend whom he must have met when he was crashing at our friends' after moving out, and he must have blocked me or something because I can't see most pictures of him anymore, even some that were not related to me so I'd assume he wouldn't take them off.

 

I understand it may be his process of healing and moving on. But it hurts because it looks spiteful to me. (Together with some other little things he did since the break up, that just felt unnecessary)

 

I think the way he left me was awful, but it was the only thing he could do, he was trapped, etc. So I can understand him, and it feels quite like forgiveness. But I thought we were bigger than this.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today I feel so alone. I have been speaking to friends who are really lovely to me, but I am concerned as to what I will do when the novelty of this wears out, and they get tired of supporting me 100%.

A friend invited me for dinner at hers and I don't think I can face coming back on my own. I've done it many times before, but the idea of myself alone with my thoughts on public transport just doesn't appeal to me.

 

I've not really concentrated 100% at work since it happened, but yesterday was definitely better than today. I need a strategy to be able to work for longer periods. All I want right now is to ask them for some time off and to lie in bed chatting to friends or IM'ing them.

[unexpectedlyhere]

And right now I feel like a twisted, manipulative little spit of a person who is never going to find anyone because I am just plain selfish. Great.

[Legatus]

I've been a little down myself towards the end of my relationship. I wasn't the best boyfriend at the beginning but I said numerous times that I will come back to my old self (even though my ex didn't know the old me, because we met while I was travelling to my mum's funeral from abroad)..

 

This year I finally started loving life like I used to, I was pretty good and did and gave her whatever I could but turned out I was either too late, or she got bored.

 

I think your boyfriend shouldn't walk out like that but try harder. They claim to love us one minute and then abandon in another..

[JourneyLady]

I'm kind of climbing that mountain myself. I was doing well, but then events put us together again and I slept with him. (okay - I admit I had a hand in that, but I thought I was stronger than I was. And well, that's the longest I'd ever been without sex in my entire life! So I can forgive myself for that. But it did set me back in my healing.

 

Some things that help me...

 

The worst is when you find yourself by yourself and time is going by and you wonder if you'll ever have those love feelings again. And you get depressed.

What I have found helps is getting involved in some kind of creative project that requires most or ALL of your attention. And watching funny movies to make the time go by... And doing more than one thing: like I'm doing web site work while intermittently playing words with friends and reading in here...

 

And if it's safe where you live and you absolutely can't stand yourself, go for a walk, go to the mailbox, go to the grocery, go sit in the park and write. Do something, anything, to keep from thinking about it. And if you can't keep from thinking about it/him/her, then use a journal to write down your progress or lack thereof.

 

Oh and get into meetup groups and make some new friends too. I'm glad he's no longer here. When I was in the state we came from, he'd start showing up at the same events where he knew I was. Can't do that now. :-D

 

Good luck!

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thanks for the answers.

 

@legatus I can kind of understand why they get tired of waiting. At the same time, yes, they should have tried harder. My ex supported me in the everyday things, but didn't reflect on the important things. In retrospect, I think we were both very selfish.

 

@JourneyLady This is what I'm really struggling with at the moment. I can see a future where I'm ok. I have some plans like trips etc., but for the future. But I don't know what to do with myself on the day to day. I don't really feel like doing anything that engages my brain, because I feel like my brain is not here. So I end up speaking to friends a lot, which is good but can't last 24/7, and doing things like playing Ruzzle, hanging on here, and doing small bits of tidying up.

I'm going to try hit the gym this weekend. I do have a trip out of town with some friends planned for Sunday. And tonight I'm going for dinner at friends' too. It's a start I guess.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today I feel okay. Not as much of a high as day before yesterday, but not as down as yesterday.

 

I dreamt of him last night. I can't remember much, but we were pally, not together, just friends. I think, light-heartedly discussing why we broke up. I reinforced what I miss the most these days -- someone to speak to about little nothings. Even though, if I look back at our relationship, I don't know how much he was actually listening. But the idea that you can just talk to someone about anything, no matter how trivial, because they know who you're talking about, or because they take pleasure in just having pointless conversation. An they're always there. That's what I'm going to miss.

Unfortunately I don't really like the idea of keeping pets, otherwise I could become one of those ladies that just confides incessantly in their cat

It's not a feeling full of respect for him, I know But in retrospect I feel like he'd checked out emotionally a while back, so in a way, I don't really miss that.

[Legatus]

@unexpectedlyhere yes we may have been a little selfish. Not like they haven't. The problem is I would never lie and leave if my ex didn't communicate with me. I would try and push as hard as I can to find out what's up. And the main point is - it's not like she didn't get it. This year I was very good boyfriend and person, supporting her in her future plans, in our little day-to-day things, spent all my time with her (we saw each other couple of days every two weeks) but it wasn't enough. It turned out she was already bored or scared that someone was actually thinking seriously about her. Who knows!

 

The bottom line is just because someone has worse days/weeks - the other one shouldn't just pack up their things and leave, but I guess this becomes a matter of priorities..

[unexpectedlyhere]

@Legatus In my case, I think we were both selfish. Me for continuing with behaviours that deep down I knew were destructive and unfair to him. Him for not challenging me on the behaviours, not reflecting on what he felt for me, and also for using me as a bit of a scapegoat from himself as well, not looking at the positives etc.

You see, we can't understand how someone can let themselves fall out of love with someone they care lots about, before at least trying to do something about it. But he didn't even *see* he no longer loved me, until it was way too late.

[unexpectedlyhere]

In other news, today has been good so far, I had a physiotherapy appointment and apparently I'm doing better, despite having not done a single exercise due to all the upheaval!

 

I have also taken an appointment with my doctor to then be referred to a psychologist. It won't happen for a while, but at least I have done it.

 

I'm seeing friends tonight and I actually *feel like going to their place*.

 

I don't think I've really felt like crying, actually, except a tiny bit when I told the physiotherapist about the breakup, but even then, not even a single tear welled up, just the feeling of one.

 

I'm still not "doing" much but, considering I am overcoming both the breakup and a very long period (not weeks or months ) of low self-esteem and low mood, baby steps are fine.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Yesterday I did really, really well.

 

I didn't cry and I only felt like crying very few times. I went to see my friends and I was happy with them and talked about the breakup and about other things that are unrelated. They told me I am doing well.

 

I was reflecting back on my "Facebook block day" worries and knew and accepted that it should no longer matter to me what he does or how he behaves, because he's no longer "my responsibility".

 

I had moments when I missed the happy times so much because in going to see my friends it reminded me of times we went there together. Sometimes during conversation moments with him would come to mind and I'd go a bit quiet.

 

But all through this, I am really proud of myself for holding it together, and for mourning the good times without really wishing him back.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today, on the other hand, hasn't started very well.

 

I dreamt that my friend that I was with yesterday texted my ex to say he'd made a big mistake and was an idiot (I didn't know until afterwards) and my ex was really angry at me for this and for prying into his life and for calling him and being clingy or something like that. If ever I needed a warning not to contact him!

 

I woke up realising it wasn't Saturday like I thought, but Friday. Another bummer.

 

I just felt really sad for no particular reason and tried really hard to think of other things to go back to sleep for a bit and that did improve things a slither.

 

I just feel like I'm constantly talking to myself to psych myself up etc. Yesterday it was easier to just feel "It's over and I'm in an okay place considering". Today I need to actually TELL myself "It's over, it was his choice. There's nothing you can do about it. You can't force him to rethink it". (All this whilst knowing that even if he came back I would be asking some very exacting questions and wanting some very specific changes).

 

I wish he'd contact me even though I don't know what I want him to say. Maybe just to know that he's thinking of me and that it's as hard for him.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Today, on the other hand, hasn't started very well.

I woke up realising it wasn't Saturday like I thought, but Friday. Another bummer.

 

Oh my GOD how awful for you? I hate when that happens...devastating. Can wreck my whole day.....

 

Sorry about your breakup. CLAPS to you for seeing medical help with the mood stuff. So many people want to power through it but its chemicals misfiring I your brain! I hope it helps!

 

CLAPS to you for keeping busy

 

CLAPS to you for realizing it was for the best. It's always for the best, it sucks to hear that, but it's really a "Choose your own adventure" type life, no one way, all roads lead to nifty stuff if you let it.

 

And nothing wrong with crying. Put on a SAD movie and let her rip...

 

Take care

 

(Mom hugs)

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thank you for the Mom hugs. I miss hugs a lot. Some friends have been generous with them but they just aren't the same

 

Thanks for all the clapping too I realise I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm doing well on the not blaming myself for the relationship ending, but I haven't done well on the "concentrating on me" side. I'm still very much focussed on getting through another day rather than on enjoying myself, being happy, building a future for myself.

 

Eventually I'll need to start having a plan...

[anythingbut]

unexpectedlyhere - I've seen a few posts that you've made in the past few days, which I liked, so I thought I'd take a closer look at your story, and stumbled across the above!

 

I really like your diary approach, and to be fair I can relate to a lot of what you're going through (6 year relationship, lived together for 5 and a half). The up and down feelings, really not wanting to be by yourself, the awareness that friends won' always be able to dedicate 1% of their time etc are a complete nightmare.

 

I must say, though, that I really admire the way you have dealt with your situation so far, how rational you have behaved, and the fact that you have managed to maintain a high degree of objectivity, and I daresay a bit of humour!

 

I'm at month 5 and things have taken a turn for the worse for me, so I've just decided I'm going to follow your diary to see how you progress! I will also aim to offer my insights as a male wherever possible!

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thanks anythingbut -- those are really sweet things to say and they made me really happy, so thank you

 

Everyone has been telling me that I'm doing okay considering, and being rational and not losing it etc., and I must say it does make me proud of myself, although I also do wonder how SH*T it must be then if you are less strong.

 

On the other hand my ex did say that he felt like he was too submissive of my strong way of arguing so there you go, maybe had I been less strong I wouldn't have been in this position in the first place

 

But yes, I have to try and keep it sane because that's how I feel in control.

[unexpectedlyhere]

So, today had started quite difficult but it significantly improved. I welled up more often than yesterday but had promised myself I wouldn't cry and eventually that feeling of tension went away in the early evening.

 

I met up with someone I don't know very well but we have been getting coffees, she got a new job so she needs to move and we were talking about housing and I mentioned my situation. From that we talked a lot about the breakup and I managed to tell the story without crying! What I also really liked is that even though she did listen to all my boring speculations about what may have been going through my ex's head, most of her comments were about how I could concentrate on me now, we could go out, and suggestions of where to go for "retail therapy" (I recounted my failed attempt - saw fantastic dress but looked horrid on me), and it just dawned on me that I can still make new friends, meet new people, I just need to let it happen to me. She could be the person that introduces me to a whole new world of people. This city is big and I won't be alone, I just have to let people in.

 

After work I went to the gym for the first time in about a year. My favourite instructor was there. I was already trying to prepare myself for the possibility he may not be there as I would have found it tough to handle. He was nice although we only had a brief conversation. I also saw three other people who I knew from ages back, they remember me and they were all hoping I would start attending regularly again. Most of them asked why I hadn't been in a year, which was easy to answer, but my favourite instructor asked why I was back. He's a clever one! I didn't mention the breakup though. I just couldn't bring myself to that. I think that may actually be better in the long run, so that I don't need to be "the one who's been dumped after 6.5 years" there as well. I can just be myself.

 

I was meant to apply for two jobs tonight (under a friend's orders!), any jobs, but I ended up speaking to people all evening. I did, however, get an interview for a small extra job. I had already considering applying before the breakup and it was what I did whilst visiting my friend out of town right after it happened. I really hope I get it, it would be positive in so many ways.

 

The only negative thing would be, I have started weird pattern of thought where I secretly hope my ex turns up like at work or at home to tell me it was all a mistake and he wants me back. It's hard work overriding this and generally what works best is actually "He doesn't know you're here" or "You don't get out of work at a fixed time, he wouldn't wait all day".

 

Tomorrow I have stuff to look forward to. I just hope my dreams are kind to me.

 

PS: I wrote a lot. Maybe I got excited that anythingbut liked the diary format. I think it's because I've written it before sleep, and not the next day. I'll try for better synthesis tomorrow.

Edited August 2, 2013 by unexpectedlyhere
clarity

[onearthur]

@unexpectedlyhere - I never thought I'd be on LS, but guess what we are all here as we seek a way out to get through this pain and become stronger, wiser and better human beings.

 

Try not to have sex with him again, no matter how deep your urges, it will mess you both up. I think you're doing a fab job of keeping a journal.

 

The problem with keeping in touch with your ex in the initial stages of a break up are that you end up "dying a slow, repeated death" every time you end up being alone as the "honeymoon" only lasts when you are together and the reality of breaking up hits you after.

 

I went through 6 months of NC, and then my ex and I decided to remain friends (she was my best friend, before she cheated on me and I had to break up with her). Accepting and moving on are tough cookies, but can be cracked!

 

“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

― Bruce Lee

 

Do keep posting, it's great to see your progress.

 

Hope that helps.

 

(Loving Hugs)

xx

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I secretly hope my ex turns up like at work or at home to tell me it was all a mistake and he wants me back. It's hard work overriding this and generally what works best is actually "He doesn't know you're here" or "You don't get out of work at a fixed time, he wouldn't wait all day".

 

Unh,

 

You are doing fine. It takes a while. Want to suggest some strategies for the above.

 

When people suggest blocking someone in a breakup, it's often for this reason. If you do things like, block his number, block from Facebook(twitter, google+etc), block his emails, change the locks, get a new job, change your phone number etc. these are really ways of controlling YOUR thoughts. See you make the decision you don't WANT to hear from him, by doing that. Most of us naturally WISH that the dumper would crawl back. So we wish for contact, get mad if it happens, get upset if it doesn't. Rinse repeat. It crazy making.

 

So move forward but do what you need to stop the thoughts when you have them. However it works for you.

 

Have a good day today.

[JourneyLady]

I wish he'd contact me even though I don't know what I want him to say. Maybe just to know that he's thinking of me and that it's as hard for him.

 

Yeah, but he's not thinking of you the way you want him to think of you. Like "boy did I mess up, and I am still in love and committed." At least, that's the way I wish my ex would think. Anything less is so... not enough for me to want him back.

 

In my case, he said things before leaving like "We're doing so well, why am I leaving?" and things like that which had me feeling like there was a chance in the future. But after moving back there, he didn't contact me directly AT ALL and didn't ask to chat live or anything. We have to look at what they DO, not what they SAY. So I know he doesn't love me or miss me. Who knows why, but his heart never caught on fire.

 

If I could settle for less, I could take "friendship" from him. But it would never be what I want, so I won't do it. Hurts like hell, but I'd rather take my hurt all at once than keep getting the pie in the face with every little realization that he's not into me, no matter what he "says".

 

I hope you're doing better today. I'm about half and half.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thanks for all the replies!

 

I do like the short form of my nickname "Unh", it kind of sounds like what I want to reply when people ask me how I am

 

@onearthur I'm not sure why you think I would have sex with my ex, but I don't think that's very likely to happen. A few days back I was sort of thinking it would have been nice to have it one more time but I don't think I meant now, as broken up, I meant whilst still together. And I definitely know neither of us is ready to see it as just sex so it wouldn't happen anyway. Plus, neither of us is the type.

In fact, you just reminded me of another ex that once came to see me for one day and one night, stayed in the same *single bed* as me, and I also wanted him a lot, and he asked me for it, and I said no because I knew he wasn't over me, and stuck to it. So yeah, I'm cool (I had completely forgotten that episode)

I'm also definitely not *contacting* him. I will have to at some point re: practicalities, but I don't even have the urge to write to him or call him. I do, however, have a lot of trouble actually *blocking him*.

 

More on this in answer to @iiwii. I do understand that, I think, but I can't yet bring me to do it. I can't delete him from my past, I really don't want to. He didn't treat me like **** and we have happy memories together. We're a couple that didn't work out, but if I completely deleted him from my life, I would lose such a huge chunk of my past and I just really don't want that. SO deleting is not an option.

Temporarily blocking, perhaps, is. Luckily he doesn't really use social media and has put me on this limited profile on Facebook anyway so there isn't really much to see there. The only thing I routinely do is check whether he's online on gchat and check whether he's taken off his FB background picture with the two of us yet / actually changes his invisible relationship status to no longer in a relationship with me. Eventually when I feel humiliated enough that I am wasting my time with this stuff, I will hide him on gchat and change the status myself.

 

@journeylady I don't think I actually want him to say he wants me back. It would be way too soon. I kind of secretly want it to happen (more on this later), but maybe a year or so down the line.

I think at the moment I want to know that it's as hard for me as it is for me, no, harder, and that he misses me like crazy but knows it's for the best. Just because... I want to have counted for something. I want to have done something right. I know technically I *know* this, but I sort of want him to say it nonetheless

I wouldn't take "friendship" from him right now. No way. On two counts: way too early (I do still love him, it's kind of a hard habit to kick and there's no nicot-him patch); and also, I don't think he deserves it. He said towards the end he felt like best friends, not lovers, and my thought now is if you think that was best friends then you're a ****ty friend. So thanks but no thanks.

[unexpectedlyhere]

So, today. Overall, I would say, positive!

 

Still dreamt of ex but woke up rather well. Went for a swim with a very close friend. Swim made me feel good, it's one of my favourite feelings in the world.

Then went for coffee and massive rant with this friend, who was kind enough to listen to me an challenge me etc.

Two main lessons learnt, or at least heard :

1. Just because I can't understand how it is possible that someone that loves you would all of a sudden stop without realising and go on being with you and only realise all of a sudden when it's too late, doesn't mean it's any less real, doesn't mean it's their fault, and doesn't mean they didn't try to send distress signals. It's sort of what we were talking with @legatus before. Just because I didn't see it, doesn't mean he didn't subconsciously try to bring it up.

2. I have somehow managed to rationalise all this into: We have indeed broken up - There were indeed issues - It is indeed better if we each focus on ourselves - We should both learn from this - HOWEVERWHENHEDOESREALISEITWASHISBIGGESTMISTAKEEVERANDIHAVESORTEDALLMYISSUESANDFAULTSWEWILLBEBACKTOGETHERSURELY!?

She questions whether that's the best thing for me to be thinking, but I think it's too early for me to let go even of that. It's not a chance I'm particularly hanging on to from a rational point of view, but it's hard to prevent what my subconscious does. I do want to move away from that eventually though.

 

Other positive things from today:

* I wrote a phoney job application and eventually got in the swing of it. It even distracted me from thinking of me

* When I have interior dialogues about him, I'm hardly ever picturing speaking to him - in a way my inner voice is also doing NC. I'm a lot more likely to be composing things for me to write here, for instance.

* With my friend we were questioning whether this may have come about as a result of an identity crisis for him, and when I said maybe for both of us, she said that I may not feel it but I have a very strong identity and "You are the most YOU person I know" - something interesting that I want to unpick further

* Even though I did cry for the first time in two and a half days, it was fairly collected, and especially it was about ME

* I had some really positive attitudes about the future come to me in the afternoon. They were along the lines of, I'm actually CURIOUS to see what I make of all this. Because I do think it's a life changer, and a completely new situation, and I have no idea who I will grow into as a result. But I'm interested to stick around and find out

 

Still needs to be worked on:

I am *constantly* talking about him, mostly in talking about the breakup and the relationship issues that may have brought it about. Eventually I will definitely need new topics of conversation and just of... thought? Like, how boring! I don't want to be this boring person for too long, hopefully.

 

Current worries:

* Housing situation may take a turn for the worse tomorrow. I really hope I don't have to move

* I do eventually want to call his parents and say thanks and goodbye, but, I don't feel like I can do it yet because I don't feel I know 100% what I feel about it, why I want to do it, and what I'm hoping to get out of it.

 

Tomorrow I'm out of town all day with three friends that have been very close to me through all this, who will not have heard from him at all, and who know all the latest updates, so! I will try not to mention him or the breakup for the whole day out. I'm looking forward to making some new memories of good stuff

[unexpectedlyhere]

Another positive thing I forgot! Today I happened to take an alternative route home which included a bus that he/we used to take in the first 1.5 yr of our relationship, when we lived apart. It made me realise how many lives I've already shed, even whilst in a relationship with him, how many habits are no longer habits. I am always nervous about change, but then once it happens I actually get used to it fairly easily. And I can think about stuff and have good memories and maybe even miss it but still be okay about now being in a different place.

 

This is just a bigger chunk of life to shed than usual. But I'll be fine.

[portableversion]

good luck to you, 6.5 years is not going to be easy. In my relationship I know we had various issues that were incompatible and she did not want to make any efforts at all to try to fix things. Things that were complex and would have required a marriage counselor. Now that she is remarried less than a year after our divorce I really just try to focus on all the bad things she did to me and try my best to feel this new found loneliness is a good thing. Its gonna be tough my dream in life was to be a family man and now its gone, I have no choice but to resort to older activities that I know for me are not as fulfilling.

 

I dreamt of her the other day to, im doing my best to make new friends but its definitely a cheap experience compared to seeing my boys everyday, but forget it she had no interest in getting to the bottom of our issues most likely cause she was searching for other men and was cheating behind my back.

 

My life was not so good with her but in many ways it is seriously worse now than it was. sigh.

 

I would not be surprised if you'll be on a rollercoaster for some time, I imagine ill be on one until I find a new person, I really don't think life was meant to live without a partner, single life is for the birds but when no options are available just gotta keep doing what needs to be done