waterwoman Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) A week before d-day H went to an event with OW and other coworkers He had been given tickets to it for his birthday from coworkers. I drove him there and he was planning to get a lift home later. I had been invited but wasn't prepared to leave the children for that long, not to mention it was an outdoors event and the weather was lousy. H had his head up his ar*e so much at the time he probably never even gave the kids (or the weather) a single thought. He came home very very late - about 3am - and drunk. Next day was father's day and he spent the entire day hungover and sulking and hardly acknowledged the kids' gifts. Turns out she had 'ended'* things with him that night because she realised she was never going to get more than a very small part of him (no sh*t Sherlock ). The rest of the week was dreadful, he was in a vile mood with all of us, on the Monday I got so mad with him I said 'I don't know why I didn't divorce you years ago' - beleive me I was sorely provoked, he had been horrible to us all for ages and very distant. Now of course I know why, at the time I thought it was job stress. Friday I remember mentally pulling my socks up and saying to myself 'Right, this has to stop. Be nice, be tolerant, try to talk to him again about what the problem is!' I picked him up after work and we drove home. He told me (for the second time) about these 'nasty' rumours making the rounds at work about him and OW - I asked him if there was any truth in them and he denied it (first and only time he directly lied to me). But too many little red lights were flashing in my head now - Sunday I finally decided to act and checked his phone - found texts and then it all came out over the next 48 hours. Anyway.... it was a poisonous time. But it was over a year ago. H and I went to a music event at the same place this weekend. I was fine about it. Until we got there. As the car drew up I had to throw the door open and was violently sick. I was cold and shaky. In the end I had to tell H I needed to go home. Can't beleive it could still have that much power. Yuck! * I say 'ended' in quotes because they were still texting each other all the time - possibly even more - afterwards but they weren't talking and kissing after work. I suspect it was just one of her attempts to manipulate the situation. Edited July 30, 2013 by waterwoman Can't spell!
BetrayedH Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It's remarkable how much of an impact these things can have. I remember about six months after dday, my wife and I were on the way home from a Christmas party. It had gone very well. In fact, it was our third social event of that kind in just about 10 days. I marveled at how we'd managed to be out socially with no issues. I was tremendously happy for our recovery and felt we were really turning a corner. But then in the car on the way home my wife asked me about how my father had liked a particular hotel he'd stayed in here while visiting (we just happened to be passing the hotel when she asked). Of course, it was one of the hotels my wife had used during her affair. I was in shock that she would ask a question like that, snd she instantly knew what an inadvertently awful trigger she'd just created. She instantly apologized but the damage was done. Most of the ride home was in silence. I sat on the couch when we got home and just tried to get past it. She sat with me for a moment, apologized again, and put herself to bed. I don't think she had a clue what to do. I sat up for quite a while and couldn't sleep. Eventually I started getting insanely angry. I wasn't angry at her. I was angry that we could be doing so well and out of the blue, one small thing could ruin it all. The energy built up in me like crazy. I started pacing around the room. I got to the kitchen and suddenly I swiped a whole drying rack full of dishes across the room. It made an enormous crash. I went out front and yelled "God damn it!" at the top of my lungs. A few minutes later I went inside to find my wife cleaning up the broken plates and such. She insisted she do it and sent me to bed. Much like you, I was surprised that this crap can just kind come out of nowhere and derail everything, and that I couldn't manage. It wasn't a week later that I found her blog and that's when I really lost it. Anyway, just saying that I can empathize. I hope your recovery goes better than mine.
NotCamelot Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I know how you feel. There is one place in particular that is that way for me. And, on the day my WW spent all day in a hotel with her scum, when I came home from work, she was in the kitchen dancing around singing a very specific song. Now, when we are out on the road, when that song comes one, I have to change it as fast as possible before I start to cry. Thankfully, now she usually hits the channel button before I do.
Author waterwoman Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Thank you. I heard people say infidelity can result in a sort of PTSD. I used to think that was overblown nonsense but I am not so sure now. 2
save150 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Thank you. I heard people say infidelity can result in a sort of PTSD. I used to think that was overblown nonsense but I am not so sure now. It does and it can be with you for a long time. Even the most insignificant thing can be a trigger. Think about it. Infidelity is akin to shell shock.
wanting more Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Can I ask a question? And please please understand I mean no disrespect. If it comes across that way I'm sorry and you don't have to answer. Just tell me stay off this thread and I'll stay off. When these triggers hit you, and it's hard to get past them, even knowing this may go on for years, how do you R? How do you get past this point and move on? Knowing that the chances are good that something else will trigger you?
save150 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Can I ask a question? And please please understand I mean no disrespect. If it comes across that way I'm sorry and you don't have to answer. Just tell me stay off this thread and I'll stay off. When these triggers hit you, and it's hard to get past them, even knowing this may go on for years, how do you R? How do you get past this point and move on? Knowing that the chances are good that something else will trigger you? I don't know. This is the first time for me. I have no real good words of wisdom and no real good answers. I wish I did. I wish I had the magic word for all of this - to share with everyone going through this pain. I think it's a behavioral type of tricking your system. Like the staple in the ear thing to quit smoking. And I also would say the WS's should help the process along by listening to us when we say something triggers and don't get all up in smoke by dismissing it as stupid. 2
Author waterwoman Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Thanks save. Shell shock is the right word. wanting_more - It is a damned good question! I have said many times that if I had known how hard it was going to be I might not have bothered and I will NEVER do it again much as I love H. He knows that. But at the time you are in a sort of daze of shock - he ended it, had gone NC, had made his decision and I allowed myself to think that that was the end of it - we just had to be kinder to each other and it would all magically be OK. But now we are 13 months in, most of the worst of it seems to be over and I don't want to throw it all away when the end might be in sight (or at least one of the ends) To papraphrase Lady Mac 'we are in blood stepped in so far to go back is as far as to go 'oer' or something like that. Also I have realised that I do have a stubborn streak. ... There is a part of me that says 'Eff that! You made a decision unilaterally to screw up our marriage. I'm b*ggered if I am going to let my future be dictated by one stupid decision you made which you now regret'.
BetrayedH Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Can I ask a question? And please please understand I mean no disrespect. If it comes across that way I'm sorry and you don't have to answer. Just tell me stay off this thread and I'll stay off. When these triggers hit you, and it's hard to get past them, even knowing this may go on for years, how do you R? How do you get past this point and move on? Knowing that the chances are good that something else will trigger you? For me, it felt like there were no good choices. It was either suffer thru the triggers or divorce a woman that I'd always loved and break up my family. Bear in mind that choosing divorce doesn't mean the triggers stop. The trauma happens whether we reconcile or divorce. The BS pays a price for the affair no matter what. 4
Snowflower Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 For me, it felt like there were no good choices. It was either suffer thru the triggers or divorce a woman that I'd always loved and break up my family. Bear in mind that choosing divorce doesn't mean the triggers stop. The trauma happens whether we reconcile or divorce. The BS pays a price for the affair no matter what. BH brings up a very good point. So many people who have not been cheated on or are the AP assume that if the BS can't get over/deal with the triggers/hurt/what have you that the easier option is to divorce and be done with it. The thing is, for most BS, the divorce doesn't appear to magically cure the pain. A divorce is painful no matter what so to add the requisite pain of the divorce to the massive hurt already felt by the BS about the affair, well yeah, that is like a double-whammy. There is no easy way out of this. Excellent point, BH. 1
Steen719 Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I have not thought about this for a while, but soon after I divorced my XH, I was at Sam's Club and had bought one of those really big bags of dog food. When I got to my van, a man and his wife were walking by and he came over and asked me if he could put it in the van for me. I thanked him and after he put it in the car, I got in and just cried my eyes out. I was so used to going to Sams with my XH and him doing that. I kept thinking of him with her, buying dog food. I felt so silly. I cried in Walmart when I saw couples together, imagining them shopping together. ha ha...like that was romantic! God, I was just a mess and it seemed like everything was a reminder. UGH! So, so much better now.
Recommended Posts