Cavendish Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I have been on 5 dates with a guy. I like him a lot and we've slept together 3 times. Last time we saw each other was Thursday before last. He texted me the following Monday to see how I was, and because something had reminded me of him (based on one of our jokes). Historically we've always texted a couple of times each and then one of us would suggest the next date (usually him, but not always). However, he hasn't replied to my reply (last Tuesday) and I am extremely confused. It has been a week, so rationally I feel like I should give up (normally we'd have a max of 2-3 days between messages), but I have no idea why he'd suddenly go silent. Had he not contacted me after the date, I would accept that he'd lost interest - I totally get the whole 'he's not that into you' thing, but the fact that he sent a follow up text baffles me if he actually didn't want to follow up... how could his feelings switch so suddenly (without seeing me in the interim period!)? Any views from the outside would be hugely appreciated - could it be that he's still planning to contact me and is there anything I can or should do? I am doing the classic doubting if my message sent and all that stuff because I just didn't see this coming Some other information (in case it’s relevant) – he is older than me by a decade (he’s 35 I’m 25) and our dates had always been fun bar type things (my friends were worries I was establishing myself as a young ‘plaything’ for him rather than being taken that seriously). Also, I was away at the beach last week so that was off limits in terms of meeting, but this doesn’t seem like a reason to not reply to a message – since we’ve been dating he has been away too and we’ve always just continued to text ‘normally.’ NB: ‘normal’ for us is fairly game-playing (replies every 2-3 days) but not this extreme! The jury is out on this one: saw a close girlfriend and her boyfriend yesterday and my friend was all 'if he's not contacting you he doesn't care enough', whereas her boyfriend was like 'he's a guy, he probably left it a few days and then realised he'd screwed up and left it too long and doesn't know how to handle it and if you don't do anything he'll assume you weren't that interested.' What should I do? I don't want to push it if he's not keen but all of his behaviour up until Tuesday indicated that he was, and I don't want to throw something away because of some silly texting politics. I feel like I want to send him a really casual text - perhaps just referencing an in joke with no question/nothing more to test the waters so I know conclusively if he is completely done because I think I'd rather my pride took a hit than I forever drove myself crazy with 'did he ever get that first text message?' 'did I quit too easily?' but a) I am not sure if this is a terrible idea b) I'm not sure when I should do this (if he is still planning to text then I don't want to double text before he has the chance to do so. I know it might all sound silly and petty but I feel really upset by this. Partly I’m disappointed that I might not see him again, partly I’m hurt that he doesn’t seem to want to see me, and partly I just feel very disenchanted with boys/dating. I have heard of this sort of thing happening before but genuinely wouldn't have thought this guy was the type Any advice would be extremely welcome! Thanks! xx
supaflyz Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I dont know OP. 5 dates and yall slept together 3 times? I'm not trying to judge you in anyway. However, I do know some guys don't take women very seriously if they give it up to easily. I guess just give it some time and see what happens. I know some people will say that 10 years age difference isn't much, but I have always been against that. I never dated anyone 4 years younger than me. (and that is a bit much for me as well). I did find a very attractive girl one time. Turns out she was 8 years younger than me so I told my friend no way.
petall Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It's painful for you but I think the best thing for you is to just do nothing right now. The ball is in his court since you already replied. Just don't give him the impression in any way that you are waiting or pining for him. Get on doing whatever it is you enjoy with your life and I hope he comes back to you. If he doesn't, well...maybe next time play it a lot cooler.
Mascara Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I'm probably different to a lot of people, in that I don't let guys get away with "the fade". If it were me, I'd give it until I was absolutely sure I wouldn't want him back, even if he did get in touch - perhaps another week or so - then I'd send him something along the lines of "Don't you just hate it when people walk away in the middle of a conversation? It had been fun, and I would have left with fond memories if you'd just said 'this isn't working for me, good luck'. Instead, you thought it was ok to be rude and disrespectful. And that's how I'll remember you. All the best" Too many people accept bad, rude behaviour. Once you've slept with someone, you deserve a breakup.
BluEyeL Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I'm sorry you are hurt by the situation. I don't think the relationship with this guy has any long term chances, even if he does come back. First off, the communication between the two of you was too infrequent from the get go. A guy who is interested doesn't reply to a text every 2-3 days. That shows low interest and possibly him having more girls lined up besides you. Second, indeed, you did sleep with him too early. There are no guarantees, but if you want to increase your chances of having a long term relationship with a guy you like, get to know him on a personal basis first, without the sex, for more than 2 or 3 dates. It is just how it is. That time will allow you to observe what his interest level in you is, what type of guy he is and if he's worth your time and your body. For example, texting once every 2-3 days should tell you he is not so interested and you shouldn't actually sleep with him at all until interest ramps up, if at all. The bar scene dates is also something you might want to change in the future. It's OK to go to a bar every now and then, but dates shouldn't exclusively be in a bar, your friends are right. So I'd say set much higher standards for who you date. You are young, most likely beautiful, you shouldn't settle for sub par treatment. Good luck, it's up to you to make it happen!
BluEyeL Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 As for texting, do nothing. I promise is a very bad idea to text him first after he didn't reply to your last.
letmoc Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I don't think you should feel bad at all. I would text one more time and see if he responds. And I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about texting. It just sounds like you two are playing a little back and forth. So text him something playful and flirty and have fun. And then if he doesn't respond then move on. Because if you don't you will always wonder and it will hold you back.
Author Cavendish Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Thanks for all the comments guys. I feel very stuck in my head (/heart!) on this so very much appreciate your perspectives. I thought I was playing it pretty cool by texting infrequently but guess sleeping with him too early sent out a slightly different message. It's frustrating because I actually don't sleep with people easily at all, but thought that maybe with him being older he'd be more relaxed about sex and expect it a bit sooner. Not that I didn't feel ready (I did 100% want to), I just didn't appreciate that it may change his opinion of me. You live and you learn...! It's interesting that his gap between texts was interpreted as disinterest on here - I thought it meant he was keen and wanted to win me over by 'playing the game' and acting cool. My challenge is that I do believe in second chances so am still very tempted to text with a 'last strike' mentality - if he doesn't step up and behave how I want him to following that then I give up, but part of me feels like I do need to go through this process just to know that I tried - is that crazy? Part of me knows that things probably won't change but my inner optimist wants to know that I least gave them the opportunity to. If I do decide to contact him, can I call him out on him not contacting me (even in a lighthearted way) or is that too needy? (I hear this is girls' least appealing trait!). Similarly, if he contacts me now after all this time, can I flag that it's not cool to ignore me for a week? I don't want to come across as some overly dependent girl who was waiting for his text (even though I totally was haha) but equally by not saying something, I worry that I'm condoning (and reinforcing) his behaviour. This is partly why I also feel I'd struggle to ignore him totally and just let him 'get away with' dropping off the face of the planet after we slept together - if girls continue to accept this behaviour, surely guys will continue to think it's ok?? (Perhaps my inner feminist is coming out to play here!) Once again, I really am grateful for the help on here. This guy has been a part of my life (and daily thought processes!) for a while now so this recent situation has felt lonely and sad I haven't done a lot of dating so not very thick-skinned with this stuff!! [FONT=Times New Roman] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [/FONT]
BluEyeL Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Thanks for all the comments guys. I feel very stuck in my head (/heart!) on this so very much appreciate your perspectives. It's interesting that his gap between texts was interpreted as disinterest on here - I thought it meant he was keen and wanted to win me over by 'playing the game' and acting cool. If I do decide to contact him, can I call him out on him not contacting me (even in a lighthearted way) or is that too needy? (I hear this is girls' least appealing trait!). Similarly, if he contacts me now after all this time, can I flag that it's not cool to ignore me for a week? I don't want to come across as some overly dependent girl who was waiting for his text (even though I totally was haha) but equally by not saying something, I worry that I'm condoning (and reinforcing) his behaviour. This is partly why I also feel I'd struggle to ignore him totally and just let him 'get away with' dropping off the face of the planet after we slept together - if girls continue to accept this behaviour, surely guys will continue to think it's ok?? (Perhaps my inner feminist is coming out to play here!) Once again, I really am grateful for the help on here. This guy has been a part of my life (and daily thought processes!) for a while now so this recent situation has felt lonely and sad I haven't done a lot of dating so not very thick-skinned with this stuff!! [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] OK, so no, you shouldn't text him. And no, you shouldn't call him out on not contacting you. If he texts you, you do not reply immediately, and when you finally do reply be happy and upbeat tell him about all the fun stuff you are busy with. If he asks you out, you say you are busy that day/weekend, maybe next week? That's how you flag he let you down, not by calling him on it. But honestly, I do not think he is very interested. You texting him first will kill it further, but if the interest is not here, is not here and you have nothing to kill indeed.
StarsOnFire Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I would text but only because I'd be curious to see if/how he'd respond. I wouldn't call him out on not contacting you, but I'd definitely back off any investment you have in this turning into a relationship at this point, unless his excuse is that he lost his phone and your number and had no way to reach you, or a shark ate his hand or something.
Axee Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I disagree with all these people here.. Both of you were trying to act cool by texting infrequently.. It could also mean interest yes but not THAT interested.. It could be anything.. So a week goes by without any text.. it would be anything.. 1.Lack of seriousness not disinterest .Since you too text infrequently. 2.Swamped with work and you arent his top priority. So if you really like him.. Go ahead and text him .. But I was curious to know why you people are "Texting"?? What about phone calls? You both have already slept with each other.. Then why are you so hesitant to call ? Are you also not that serious about him.. but now anxious since he isnt responding..
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