C00kie Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Just read this in the newspaper this morning...nothing new here, but I thought I'd share. Really sad to see so many people missing the (good) opportunities that life presents them. Reasons why people stay in an unhappy marriage The main reason for couples to stay together when love is over is the lack of courage to get divorced. A study by the British law firm Slater & Gordon, of the 2,000 people surveyed, a fifth said would not consider divorce unless he could ensure financial stability. Top ten reasons people don't end their marriages 1. I'm afraid of loneliness 2. Feeling guilty about leaving the family 3. I'm too old to leave 4. I do not want to leave my house 5. Could not support me financially 6. We have to stay together for the children 7. Would have a great impact on the family 8. I hope things get better 9. I'm afraid I might regret it 10. I do not know if I have the courage Cowardness and lack of values, my friends. That's how I see it.
waterwoman Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 They aren't ten reasons, they are 3. Fear, guilt and money. Not sure what it proves though apart from the undeniable fact that most decisions are prompted by a whole plethora of things not just one. And that perhaps the 'unhappiness' might not be as great as all that. 2
man_in_the_box Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Where the hell is "trying to fix my marriage"? I certainly don't think everyone who stays in a troubled marriage is a coward or lacks values. 10
T3h L337 d00d Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 You know marriage is supposed to be for life, good times and the bad. 4
Author C00kie Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Where the hell is "trying to fix my marriage"? I certainly don't think everyone who stays in a troubled marriage is a coward or lacks values. I was obviously not referring to people who try to fix their marriages. I'm referring to people who stay even when love is gone, when the relationship doesn't make sense anymore, when they lead independent lives regardless of the other, when they have other man/woman, when trust and respect for the "other half" is gone - I posted this in this forum, and not another one, for a reason.
fanine Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I was obviously not referring to people who try to fix their marriages. I'm referring to people who stay even when love is gone, when the relationship doesn't make sense anymore, when they lead independent lives regardless of the other, when they have other man/woman, when trust and respect for the "other half" is gone - I posted this in this forum, and not another one, for a reason. I don't understand it at all. We only have one life. Why stick with something that is safe and lose the chance to perhaps experience far greater happiness? I was married for 8 years. I left my husband when I was 39, no kids, because I realised it was not working. I could not settle for what we had. I did try and work on it with him but he could not see it. So I walked. My MM is in such a strange marriage....i think it is complete crap to 'stay together for the kids' - to me there is nothing worse than bringing kids up in a toxic marriage. Far better they see their parents with other people being truly happy, then they understand what real love and relationships are... 6
sad puppy Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I read that article too. In my situation it is true, even though he left and his divorce should be final in a couple months, I would say my x MM is a coward. I also heard him say "I don't want to lose everything I've worked for". Ha, I laughed in his face, it's not like he built up some stellar net worth. Fear drives people in many ways. To do different things, make different choices. Like stay in jobs they can't stand. People in general are afraid of change. I see it everyday in business. A lot of people are driven by fear, they don't want to be alone, which is a big red flag to me. If someone can't handle being on their own for a period of time, they are most likely, emotionally unhealthy.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Top ten reasons people don't end their marriages 1. I'm afraid of loneliness 2. Feeling guilty about leaving the family 3. I'm too old to leave 4. I do not want to leave my house 5. Could not support me financially 6. We have to stay together for the children 7. Would have a great impact on the family 8. I hope things get better 9. I'm afraid I might regret it 10. I do not know if I have the courage Cowardness and lack of values, my friends. That's how I see it. Cowardness possibly, but lack of values to stay in marriage? That makes no sense. If anything, those who have values believe marriage is for life. One may not like that or agree with it, but it's up to each person to decide for themselves. It's too easy to be on the outside looking in and assuming the why's and how's of someone else's marriage, why a couple stays together. At the end of the day if that family unit is together and happy (so what if the husband and wife dont' have the warm and fuzzies for each other like they used to, as long as the growth of love is still there) under one roof, so be it. It's their life and whatever they're doing works for them. TOO many people give up easily. If they don't feel the "in love/lust" feeling 24/7, there must be something wrong. Society as a whole has become so selfish and it's all about "ME ME ME ME". Whatever happened to putting others (spouse, child) happiness above your (general you) own needs and desires for a bit? Sacrifice doesn't happen like it used to because so many put themselves first and have to feel happy all the time. 3
Goodbye Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I know lots of people living out their lives in unhappy marriages. I don't know if most of them have just stopped trying or if it is a phase, but has made me lose some faith in marriage. I married in 95, had 3 kids quickly. By 2005, I was pretty unhappy, really living a separate life from my H. From 2005 to 2008, I really tried. Tried to reconnect with intimacy, tried MC, did IC, made weekly "date nights," had my parents come watch the kids so we could take a much needed break together. Nothing changed other than the fact that I was becoming increasingly sad that we needed to work SO hard just to coexist. I could no longer "fake" the intimacy and this angered my H...he "needed" sex to feel alive. I hated the push pull dynamic that evolved from that. I went back to focusing on the kids and he threw himself into his work (and not until after we separated did I find out he also threw himself into another soccer mom). He didn't want a divorce. His reasoning: people shouldn't get divorced. I stood to lose a lot by initiating a divorce. He held all the assets, he had a very powerful family, and he has a vengeful streak. In 2010, I woke up at 3am one morning and told myself: I'm done. No more. That morning I met with a lawyer and that week I filed. My fears were justified...the divorce was costly and ugly. In 2013, I am SO happy I made that decision. Even Mr. No-Divorce is relieved that the daily unspoken sadness has been lifted and there is hope. My kids are thriving in their peaceful homes. I have no regrets about leaving my unhappy marriage but I do know it isn't easy. The journey took over five years. 5
So happy together Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Cowardness possibly, but lack of values to stay in marriage? That makes no sense. If anything, those who have values believe marriage is for life. One may not like that or agree with it, but it's up to each person to decide for themselves. It's too easy to be on the outside looking in and assuming the why's and how's of someone else's marriage, why a couple stays together. At the end of the day if that family unit is together and happy (so what if the husband and wife dont' have the warm and fuzzies for each other like they used to, as long as the growth of love is still there) under one roof, so be it. It's their life and whatever they're doing works for them. TOO many people give up easily. If they don't feel the "in love/lust" feeling 24/7, there must be something wrong. Society as a whole has become so selfish and it's all about "ME ME ME ME". Whatever happened to putting others (spouse, child) happiness above your (general you) own needs and desires for a bit? Sacrifice doesn't happen like it used to because so many put themselves first and have to feel happy all the time. While I understand what you are saying about 'sacrifice' and 'ME ME ME ME'... it's simply unfair to ask someone to stay in a place if they are miserable for someone else. That would make the person asking the miserable one to stay extremely selfish and unwilling to sacrifice. If my bf was unhappy, I'd let him go and find happiness. Sometimes the most selfless thing is to let go. When my bf left, it wasn't about being happy all the time. It was about NOT wanting to be miserable all the time. 2
Goodbye Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I think some people are not as unhappy as they report to be-some of what is described is just part of life and would be there if you were married or not- mid life with kids and a demanding job is just plain stressful- There are a few that talk about serious deep issues in their marriage and for them I am happy they moved on- I think about some of the complaints people have about their marriage and think well heck, that sounds like life to me-suck it up because its what you signed up for-nice house, a couple of kids, a crazy schedule, demanding job-it all leads to a loss of focus on you and your individual needs-if you wanted it to be about you than you should have remained single or had no kids or not climbed the career ladder, or should have stayed in the smaller home, or not bought that freaking Mercedes-sheesh.... I agree with this. I also believe that most MM in affairs who say their marriage was "dead" or "terrible" are full of crap. 1
Pierre Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) Just read this in the newspaper this morning...nothing new here, but I thought I'd share. Really sad to see so many people missing the (good) opportunities that life presents them. Reasons why people stay in an unhappy marriage The main reason for couples to stay together when love is over is the lack of courage to get divorced. A study by the British law firm Slater & Gordon, of the 2,000 people surveyed, a fifth said would not consider divorce unless he could ensure financial stability. Top ten reasons people don't end their marriages 1. I'm afraid of loneliness 2. Feeling guilty about leaving the family 3. I'm too old to leave 4. I do not want to leave my house 5. Could not support me financially 6. We have to stay together for the children 7. Would have a great impact on the family 8. I hope things get better 9. I'm afraid I might regret it 10. I do not know if I have the courage Cowardness and lack of values, my friends. That's how I see it. Sadly, most of these reasons can be used as to why some APs stay in affairs despite being unhappy. 1. I'm afraid of loneliness. . Many of the newbie posts state the issue of being lonely and vulnerable when they met the MM. 3. I'm too old to leave . This is usually changed to I was already married, I was betrayed before, I don't want kids or a permanent relationship. I don't know ho it happened. 8. I hope things get better. A favorite for single APs 9. I'm afraid I might regret it. Needs no explanation. It is not uncommon to see struggling single APs try to go NC dozens of times. 10. I do not know if I have the courage. Needs no explanation. It is not uncommon to see struggling single APs try to go NC dozens of times. Cowardness and lack of values, my friends. That's how I see it.. This one also apples to the single AP. We are talking about men and women that have low self esteem. Whether they are married or a single AP. Edited July 30, 2013 by Pierre 2
Pierre Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I know lots of people living out their lives in unhappy marriages. I don't know if most of them have just stopped trying or if it is a phase, but has made me lose some faith in marriage. I married in 95, had 3 kids quickly. By 2005, I was pretty unhappy, really living a separate life from my H. From 2005 to 2008, I really tried. Tried to reconnect with intimacy, tried MC, did IC, made weekly "date nights," had my parents come watch the kids so we could take a much needed break together. Nothing changed other than the fact that I was becoming increasingly sad that we needed to work SO hard just to coexist. I could no longer "fake" the intimacy and this angered my H...he "needed" sex to feel alive. I hated the push pull dynamic that evolved from that. I went back to focusing on the kids and he threw himself into his work (and not until after we separated did I find out he also threw himself into another soccer mom). He didn't want a divorce. His reasoning: people shouldn't get divorced. I stood to lose a lot by initiating a divorce. He held all the assets, he had a very powerful family, and he has a vengeful streak. In 2010, I woke up at 3am one morning and told myself: I'm done. No more. That morning I met with a lawyer and that week I filed. My fears were justified...the divorce was costly and ugly. In 2013, I am SO happy I made that decision. Even Mr. No-Divorce is relieved that the daily unspoken sadness has been lifted and there is hope. My kids are thriving in their peaceful homes. I have no regrets about leaving my unhappy marriage but I do know it isn't easy. The journey took over five years. But, some folks that divorced end up staying in affairs that are going nowhere.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 All I know is that there are a lot of very miserable divorcees out there...Not all, but a whole lot...And many, after some time, regret that they didnt try harder to work things out... Like they say, the "grass isnt always greener" After the unicorns and rainbows, its just the "same old same old"... TFY 3
Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I actually had a seven year plan for getting out of my marriage. And it was financial based. I had tried for months to secretly hide money and I had less than $100, we were pretty poor. So, my plan was to go to college part time, get my education so I could support myself, hopefully, be able to scrounge a little starting over money. Also, we would have seven more years equity in the house we bought. We had barely started to scratch the loan amount there ( looking back, the lenders saw us coming) Both of us had reached a point of selfishness. He was a truck driver and would come home every weekend. I begged him to stay out one weekend a month. Every Sunday when I took him back to the truck, he'd promise he would, but then Friday the phone would ring with, "I'm here, come pick me up! Before anyone suggests it, no he wasn't coming home to see me. He literally spent all but maybe an hour of his waking time at his mother's place - where there was food other than eggs, bread, spam and ramen. I was getting paid to go to school and had a veterans pension as well. I made about the same as he did. But, I had just reached the point where I was realizing I was going to have to go back to work and that I really REALLY couldn't afford to buy even one of the latest music CDs (oh, it's just $10, I can get that...). I was resentful. I was not pleasant to be around. I knew that I was going to have to go to school MWF, work a 20 hour internship on TTH, squeeze in internship hours on Friday, maintain the house, pay the bills and still probably work 32 hours a week, with the bulk of the hours on Saturday and Sunday. I would be on the go seven days a week, where he would be able to have at least 48 hours off from work or responsibilities each week. We had a credit card bill of about $800. Not awful, but still a waste of money paying interest. Step 1 was to have a yard sale and make enough to pay off either the credit card bill or make a dent in it. Step 2 was to get a job at a Walmart, grocery store or other retail place. I was actually hoping for 3rd shift stocking, so I could maybe have one day off. Step 3 was risky. I was going to sell my car. I would tell him that a school friend offered me enough money to pay off the car loan and credit card. I probably would have made a little extra on it. We had two cars, a motor scooter and I had a bicycle. I could use his car during the week and when the weather was okay, I could ride the scooter or the bicycle. We would have saved money not having a car loan or the insurance. But, my independence would take a huge hit. Did I mention I was not happy? Step 4 was to work, sleep and study for the next 7 years. My hope was it wouldn't take that long. My worry was because he HATED his job so much, he would quit without having a back up job if we did too well. Trust me, he was prefectly content to sit on his butt and watch the History channel. We had some plans to do remodeling and my goal was to keep a project going at all times, so there wouldn't be a surplus in our checking/savings. Plus, that would help with resale. So, I had my short term plan that depended on me not having a breakdown and being able to hide cash in a safe place. We had a fight after the yard sale. See Step 1. It was our last fight as a living together married couple. He packed his stuff and left. Then I sat down and recalculated things without him in the formula for the first time. 1
Goodbye Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 But, some folks that divorced end up staying in affairs that are going nowhere. I would suspect few people who divorce end up staying in affairs that are going nowhere? If you are making that comment about MY situation, uhm...I ended my R with the MM some time ago? I think more MARRIED people hang out in affairs to give their fake lives the excitement they desire but are too chicken to live authentically. Seriously, I know lots of divorced woman, and I don't know any hanging out with a married partner.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I quarrel with those thet say that people who stay in "bad" marriages are cowards...When there are kids(especially little ones) involved and the parents decide to put their differences aside and stay together until the kids are grown how in the world does that make them cowards?? In my eyes it makes them committed to a common goal and unselfishly giving up their own happiness for a while until the kids are grown/emancipated.. And personally I think its BS that the kids are happier when there is a split..They almost never are..Sure, if its unbearable, then it has to be what it is...No choice..Ans a lot of parents that think their kids are happier seeing them under strict schedules and such are just kidding themselves. I came from a broken home...It was never good, but it really turned to shyt whenever my mother left... TFY 1
Lady2163 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I quarrel with those thet say that people who stay in "bad" marriages are cowards...When there are kids(especially little ones) involved and the parents decide to put their differences aside and stay together until the kids are grown how in the world does that make them cowards?? In my eyes it makes them committed to a common goal and unselfishly giving up their own happiness for a while until the kids are grown/emancipated.. And personally I think its BS that the kids are happier when there is a split..They almost never are..Sure, if its unbearable, then it has to be what it is...No choice..Ans a lot of parents that think their kids are happier seeing them under strict schedules and such are just kidding themselves. I came from a broken home...It was never good, but it really turned to shyt whenever my mother left... TFY TFY - if both parties have agreed the marriage has deteriorated and they've talked enough to know neither is satisfied, but want to stay together for the kids, then why not just agree to have an open marriage? If they can communicate that well, then they can hash out the particulars of what rules to have.
tbf Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Just read this in the newspaper this morning...nothing new here, but I thought I'd share. Really sad to see so many people missing the (good) opportunities that life presents them. Reasons why people stay in an unhappy marriage The main reason for couples to stay together when love is over is the lack of courage to get divorced. A study by the British law firm Slater & Gordon, of the 2,000 people surveyed, a fifth said would not consider divorce unless he could ensure financial stability. Top ten reasons people don't end their marriages 1. I'm afraid of loneliness 2. Feeling guilty about leaving the family 3. I'm too old to leave 4. I do not want to leave my house 5. Could not support me financially 6. We have to stay together for the children 7. Would have a great impact on the family 8. I hope things get better 9. I'm afraid I might regret it 10. I do not know if I have the courage Cowardness and lack of values, my friends. That's how I see it.It can all be bundled into fear since it's impossible to definitively gauge what might happen, if you left.
Got it Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 I quarrel with those thet say that people who stay in "bad" marriages are cowards...When there are kids(especially little ones) involved and the parents decide to put their differences aside and stay together until the kids are grown how in the world does that make them cowards?? In my eyes it makes them committed to a common goal and unselfishly giving up their own happiness for a while until the kids are grown/emancipated.. And personally I think its BS that the kids are happier when there is a split..They almost never are..Sure, if its unbearable, then it has to be what it is...No choice..Ans a lot of parents that think their kids are happier seeing them under strict schedules and such are just kidding themselves. I came from a broken home...It was never good, but it really turned to shyt whenever my mother left... TFY Aww, my dad's mantra as well. The problem is most adults cannot put their differences aside and live harmoniously next to the other person so the steam is let loose ad nausem. Would we have been happier with a divorce? Don't know. I do know I was miserable with them staying together and have their amazing lessons deeply embedded. Dysfunctional marriages, the gift that keeps on giving. 1
Goodbye Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Yes, and I'd add that a marriage in which the couple can hang out for years "putting their differences aside" is probably not that "bad" of a marriage.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 While I understand what you are saying about 'sacrifice' and 'ME ME ME ME'... it's simply unfair to ask someone to stay in a place if they are miserable for someone else. That would make the person asking the miserable one to stay extremely selfish and unwilling to sacrifice. If my bf was unhappy, I'd let him go and find happiness. Sometimes the most selfless thing is to let go. When my bf left, it wasn't about being happy all the time. It was about NOT wanting to be miserable all the time. People just give up too easily without really trying to make the marriage better. It takes work by both spouses, not just one. When kids are involved, a couple really needs to make it work, give it their best - If it doesn't work after all measures have been exhausted, then divorce...Just too many up and cheat, then go back to their marriages, or continue cheating. Obviously is someone is absolutely miserable, leave and divorce. 2
2sure Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 There are many many unhappy and dissatisfied people. Dissatisfied with their partners. Unhappy with their jobs. Disappointed in their children. Dissatisfied with the government. Regret their career choice, education, unhappy with thier neighborhood. Feeling ripped off by their bank, mortgage, pension. Etc. All of it. Unhappy with themselves basically, not willing to do anything about it. Unhappy in their marriage? Of course. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 TFY - if both parties have agreed the marriage has deteriorated and they've talked enough to know neither is satisfied, but want to stay together for the kids, then why not just agree to have an open marriage? If they can communicate that well, then they can hash out the particulars of what rules to have. Ideally it would be good....the problem is usually someone is going to get hurt..The best thing at that point might be just give that part of it up or do it on the sly... I dont have the answers...I wish i did, frankly...My whole life is effed up.. TFY 1
MissBee Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 All I know is that there are a lot of very miserable divorcees out there...Not all, but a whole lot...And many, after some time, regret that they didnt try harder to work things out... Like they say, the "grass isnt always greener" After the unicorns and rainbows, its just the "same old same old"... TFY This is so important. I think the failure of many marriages, esp in terms of cheating, has to do with unrealistic expectations about romance versus commitment and the ups and downs of a lifelong commitment which isn't a RomCom. Then there are people who should have never married or things have degraded to being irreconcilable. I don't think staying unhappily married and cheating or ignoring it and being passive aggressive or fighting helps you or your children. If you choose to stay, you should stay with some kind of plan: to work on your marriage OR where you agree to be co-parents but can have romantic interests elsewhere or something of the sort. However, the reasons presented in the opening post are reasons people indeed stay. 2
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