I think that's about it for me

July 30, 2013

I said I was going to approach women and I did. I managed to go out there and do something I have never done before. I approached 20 women last week and this past weekend. All of them said they either had a boyfriend or had somewhere to be. As a test, I asked a friend of mine to approach a girl I had gotten rejected by earlier with the I have a boyfriend line half an hour later. He got her number. Later this weekend, my friend/roommate and I went to two bars and a couple parties and I approached women there and I failed. My friend took a girl back to our place and had sex with her while I spent another Saturday night staring up into the black hole that is my ceiling in a semi-drunken, depressed haze. Sundays are always the worst days for me.

I just will take this as a sign that I'm not meant to get a girlfriend, I'm not meant to have sex like the rest of my friends. I mean, I am a virgin at this age after college for heavens sakes. If that's not a sign that I'm undesirable, I seriously don't know what is. I don't know anyone who's a virgin at my age, unless its by choice.

I feel an emptiness every time I'm around my friends and they're with girls and I guess that I'll have to figure out how to live with this emptiness from day to day. I will need to learn to live wit it as I get older and as I see all my friends getting married and stuff. I'm just glad I have stuff to fill it up with. Work and such. I also need to find some way to taper off my sex drive. Masturbation doesn't really do much for me anymore except make me feel worse.

I would like to thank everyone who has commented on my threads and who has helped me with my problems and such. You all had the best of intentions and I can only wish you the best.

Thanks a lot.

July 30, 2013

Are you the guy who decided against getting a prostitute and decided to approach random women instead? You should have realized how hapless of a pursuit that was. I'm going to assume you're an average male considering you're still a virgin. Women don't respond to guys approaching them, unless they're above average.

But yeah, better get used to it because the only girls that will want to give you attention are the ones that are desperate to have any guy marry them or the ones who would have never given you the time of day before.

July 30, 2013

Are you overweight? Do you dress attractively? Are you afraid of public speaking?

If the answers are yes, no and yes then you have work to do.

If the goal is just sex go for a slump buster, which in your case is probably an older, overweight woman on Craigslist looking for an NSA encounter.

Get it over with and get to fixing yourself if not having sex makes you depressed.

July 31, 2013

Yeah, I realize that I have some work to do. I'm not overweight by any sense of the imagination and I maintain a good level of fitness by going to the gym 3 times a week. I do have some difficulties with public speaking but its nothing major. I did consider a prostitute but I realized that it wouldn't help me at all and I'd be at square one. Not like it matters much anyway, I'm a virgin at this age and I doubt I'll lose it. I'll probably just end up being another unfortunate statistic.

The major things for me right now are maintaining some semblance of normality and decreasing my sexual drive. Those are the two things I need to focus on if I want to keep some degree of sanity.

July 31, 2013

Yeah, I realize that I have some work to do. I'm not overweight by any sense of the imagination and I maintain a good level of fitness by going to the gym 3 times a week. I do have some difficulties with public speaking but its nothing major. I did consider a prostitute but I realized that it wouldn't help me at all and I'd be at square one. Not like it matters much anyway, I'm a virgin at this age and I doubt I'll lose it. I'll probably just end up being another unfortunate statistic.

The major things for me right now are maintaining some semblance of normality and decreasing my sexual drive. Those are the two things I need to focus on if I want to keep some degree of sanity.

I didn't lose my virginity until last year at the age of 23. Never say never.

You don't need to decrease your sex drive either. Work on the speaking - I had speech problems growing up myself. Be bold

August 1, 2013

Hey man, don't give up hope. You're in a much better spot than most. Take me for example, it wasn't until just a few days ago that I was even able to admit to anyone that I have social phobia. After two or three years of trying to better myself, I'm only just now actually beginning to feel different. I don't want to speak out of place here, but I think you're putting too much thought into the idea of getting a girlfriend because you're insecure. Let me just show you how that was one of my main problems and maybe you can relate:

I've been avoiding talking to women because I'm petrified of rejection. To cope with this fear, I've been convincing myself that I don't need or want a relationship. Whenever I would see a cute girl at school or the store, I wouldn't act on it. Even if she gave me every signal in the world, I would still pack up and go home hating myself for not just taking the chance. I KNEW that I was stupid for not taking the chance, but I just couldn't get over that fear of rejection. I hated it. I hated it so much that I would sit up at night thinking about how I could change my life. I would search high and low. I would ask questions like, "how do I talk to women?" or "how do I get a girlfriend?" None of the answers that I got were ever what I was looking for - a rejection-less approach. The only way to get what I wanted (a girlfriend) was to play the game. Unfortunately, because rejection was an innate part of it, I didn't want to play.

Let me expand upon this by asking a question. Were you nervous when you first started driving? I was. I was scared as hell of getting onto the road. I didn't want to make a detrimental mistake that could cause a lot of stress in other people's lives. But the only way to conquer the fear of driving was TO DRIVE! It seemed so counter intuitive. I remember thinking about all the roads, pathways, signs, rules and how I felt so overwhelmed by it all. Once I started driving, though, it got much easier. Even though there's a seemingly infinite amount of roads with an infinite amount of variables (like weather, my speed, other drivers, etc.), I know that I'm confident enough to drive pretty much wherever I need to go. Now just relate those roads to women. There is no one single answer that I can give you for how to talk to women, but through the experience of talking to these women, you will know how to talk to future women. The only difference is, you aren't going to kill anyone if you mess up. You can tell the worst, most awkward joke ever and no one will die. You literally lose nothing by playing.

Look, man, don't rush into this thinking that striking up a conversation is going to get you her number or establish a relationship. It doesn't work that way. Even if you do score a date, that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be a positive experience for the both of you (just because you get on the road safely, doesn't mean you won't get into a wreck -your fault or not). Any number of factors could arise that spoil it. The important thing to remember is that you're improving your social life and looking for someone that's good enough for you. If a girl rejects you, move on. It's not the end of the world! I remember I fancied this girl in my class last semester. One day I asked her to go to Starbucks with me. I was so nervous I could barely utter the words, but she still said yes. Now that I think about it, if she had said no, it wouldn't have been a big deal. Maybe I'd have been embarrassed, but who cares? It was her loss. Besides, after the date, I didn't find her to be that much of a match for me. The one girl that I had put all of my attention on, turned out not to be a match for me. I wasted the semester putting all of my eggs into one basket.

Improve upon yourself. Expand your social circle. Find new hobbies that you take interest in. When you do that, you'll inadvertently find that more opportunities arise for you to take advantage of.

One final thought:

This is a game of no risk, big reward. You face a little humility and deal with a pounding chest or some slurred speech, but lose nothing at all if you get rejected. If you don't get rejected, however, you have the possibility of finding your lifelong partner. What's the risk? There is literally no harm in playing the game. Zero. Zip. Nada.

Edited August 1, 2013 by HiddenUser

August 1, 2013

Thanks for the advice from both of you. Equating dating to driving is a good metaphor. Still, you must realize that I DID play. I played all last week. I approached 20 different women, all of them said a variation of "no" plus one of them said "yes" to my friend who approached thirty minutes later. On top of that, I managed to graduate college as a virgin plus I've never had any interest from a girl despite having tons of female friends.

What does that say to you?

August 1, 2013

Thanks for the advice from both of you. Equating dating to driving is a good metaphor. Still, you must realize that I DID play. I played all last week. I approached 20 different women, all of them said a variation of "no" plus one of them said "yes" to my friend who approached thirty minutes later. On top of that, I managed to graduate college as a virgin plus I've never had any interest from a girl despite having tons of female friends.

What does that say to you?

I'd say your playing the game, brother. Don't think of those 20 rejections as failures. Think of them as 20 successes for having the guts to make the approach. I understand that you're feeling down, but you have way more experience now than I do. Take what you experienced and find ways to improve upon yourself and your approaches. Test it again next week with 40 approaches.

20 is quite a small sample size to declare perpetual failure, among other fallacious logic being employed here.

We would be interested in a breakdown on how you approached these 20 women. Were they cold approaches? Or warm? A warm approach is when the women shows indicators of interest, signs that she would be receptive to talking with you. You mentioned bars and parties....these are not always the best environment conducive to approaching women before going for a number close or a f-close like you tried.

Example of behavior conducive to a strong warm approach: The other day I was at the mall looking for new ties, a woman and I made eye contact with each other from across the store; her eyes lit up, she raised her brows, and she gave me a wide smile and tilted her head. Doesn't get much clearer than that.

Clone is right. I'd like to hear what strategies you employed, how you approached, etc. I want to hear your feedback not only because I'm going to get out there myself, but because I want to see if I can offer you any advice.

August 1, 2013

It could also be possible that the negative thoughts exemplified in your posts are affecting your approaches and women are seeing through this and writing it off as lack of confidence or writing you off as an AFC "average frustrated chump".

Women on average are much better at sensing these things than you might think.

This could also be true. Sometimes it manifests in trying too hard and overcompensating. Other times I think it can show through by not being engaging enough. Women have better connections between both hemispheres in the brain. That's why they often seem to have a "sixth sense" with people. It doesn't matter, though. There are millions of women who like different things. Whether you're too confident or not confident enough, you will land a date eventually. Just an example, some women think it's adorable when a guy struggles to ask them out. Others perceive it to be weak and write them off. It just depends on the type of girl and who you're after.

Are you doing the best that you can to improve upon yourself? If you are, then who cares if you're one or the other for some people? You are you, and anyone who doesn't understand that isn't worth your time anyway. So really, you're not getting rejected so much as you are saving yourself time.

August 2, 2013

I'd say your playing the game, brother. Don't think of those 20 rejections as failures. Think of them as 20 successes for having the guts to make the approach. I understand that you're feeling down, but you have way more experience now than I do. Take what you experienced and find ways to improve upon yourself and your approaches. Test it again next week with 40 approaches.

Clone is right. I'd like to hear what strategies you employed, how you approached, etc. I want to hear your feedback not only because I'm going to get out there myself, but because I want to see if I can offer you any advice.

Well, I approached about 14 girls during the week. I suppose this would be considered "day game". My friends and I who learned pickup, this is what we call it. I don't know if others call it that but that's what we call it. These were all "cold approaches" as I didn't know these girls. I approached 14 girls as I said, chatted them up had a conversation with them. Kept eye contact, tried to keep it light as I could. Was rejected with the "I have a boyfriend" line several time and the others said they had places to be. Tried to get a number out of one girl but she said she didn't have a cellphone (in 2013, come on).

The next six approaches were considered "night game" I guess. Approached 3 girls at the bar, didn't go anywhere. Approached three girls the next night on Saturday at a party. Initiated physical contact with two, kept conversation light, still didn't go anywhere. The last one I approached, some guy competed against me for her and its clear he had the upper hand. He had more game, he was more attractive, and he knew what to say at the right time. He was very charismatic. I stood no chance against him. I don't like competing against guys for girls.

That was my week. It sucked.

August 2, 2013

Are you the guy who decided against getting a prostitute and decided to approach random women instead? You should have realized how hapless of a pursuit that was. I'm going to assume you're an average male considering you're still a virgin. Women don't respond to guys approaching them, unless they're above average.

The vast majority of men are average or below yet manage to get sex and relationships anyway.

August 2, 2013

Well, I approached about 14 girls during the week. I suppose this would be considered "day game". My friends and I who learned pickup, this is what we call it. I don't know if others call it that but that's what we call it. These were all "cold approaches" as I didn't know these girls. I approached 14 girls as I said, chatted them up had a conversation with them. Kept eye contact, tried to keep it light as I could. Was rejected with the "I have a boyfriend" line several time and the others said they had places to be. Tried to get a number out of one girl but she said she didn't have a cellphone (in 2013, come on).

The next six approaches were considered "night game" I guess. Approached 3 girls at the bar, didn't go anywhere. Approached three girls the next night on Saturday at a party. Initiated physical contact with two, kept conversation light, still didn't go anywhere. The last one I approached, some guy competed against me for her and its clear he had the upper hand. He had more game, he was more attractive, and he knew what to say at the right time. He was very charismatic. I stood no chance against him. I don't like competing against guys for girls.

That was my week. It sucked.

Ah. I think you're approaching this in the same way that I used to, which was a huge mistake for me. I know you want a relationship and I know you want to be good with girls, but I think there's a huge importance that needs to be placed on the success of cold approaches. If you approach a woman with the intention of nothing more than "picking her up," she'll know it. Women have amazing intuition because the left and right hemispheres of their brains are better connected than ours. I think you need to flip the tables and play a small game. Imagine yourself as a woman and you're out and about for a nice day of shopping. Now imagine your own self (you, the man) are out looking to "pick up" women. You encounter the female version of yourself and make the approach. Would you, as the woman, be receptive of your approaches? Would you find yourself charming, witty, funny and good enough to give your number to? What could you change that would make it better? Does it reek of desperation?

I think what really needs to be emphasized here is, cold approaches have a varying degree of success, but I don't think it's ever as successful as some people make it out to be. If you have no other reason to approach a woman aside from trying to get her number, I think you'll see failure more often. Which seems kind of bogus, because that's the whole point of the game. But what you should be doing is focusing on yourself. What makes you happy? Are you talking to this girl because you want to have a fun and engaging social encounter where you don't care about the outcome, or are you talking to her to pick her up and will hate yourself if you get rejected?

Someone once told me just to ask the girl I fancied if she wanted to study with me, because she would know what I meant. If she said yes, that didn't mean I won and would have a date. If she said yes, I'd have the opportunity to present myself to her, make her laugh, make her feel comfortable and want to get to know me better. You can't rush these things, and that was my problem. I didn't care about "the approach" or "improving my social life" or "joining clubs to make friends" and all that. I wanted a girlfriend! But you can't rush things, because you'll fail. That's why a lot of people don't recommend cold approaches. Let me just give you one final thing to think about:

Imagine yourself in a book store. A man approaches with his hand extended saying, "Hi, I'm John!" You'd probably say something like, "Uhh... I'm.. Joe?" and be on the defensive. You wouldn't be comfortable because he set it up, intentionally or not, to feel awkward. Now imagine the same guy is standing next to you in the book store and cracks a hilarious joke about a book. You'd put your guard down and be more receptive to engaging in conversation.

It's the same thing with women. Don't rush it, my man.

Edited August 2, 2013 by HiddenUser

August 2, 2013

The vast majority of men are average or below yet manage to get sex and relationships anyway.

The problem is not being average, the problem is approaching random women. That (almost) never works for average joes. Get some friends, preferably female ones, and built from there. If they FZ you, move on from that network.

EDIT: Before anyone points out: I realized OP stated he has/had female friends and nothing came out of it but I stay by the opinion that it works much better than approaching random women. People are much more willing to give people a change they are on good ground with than some random stranger.

Edited August 2, 2013 by man_in_the_box

August 2, 2013

I hate how I can't edit my post if someone else posted after me. I don't know who made that a rule, but it's a **** one if you ask me.

I wanted to clarify this paragraph a bit:

You can't rush these things, and that was my problem. I didn't care about "the approach," "improving my social life" or "joining clubs to make friends." I cared about getting a girlfriend on my first try without getting rejected. I didn't understand the game, because that's not the way it works. But one day, someone told me to ask the girl I fancied if she wanted to study with me, because she would know what I meant. If she said yes, however, that didn't mean I won a date or would have a girlfriend anytime soon. It simply meant I'd have the opportunity to present myself to her, to make her laugh, to make her feel comfortable and hopefully to get her to want to know me better.

That's the key, and that's why cold approaches don't usually work, as man_in_the_box said. This is all a game and everyone is playing. You can approach random women and eventually you'll win one over, but there are better strategies that you can employ.

And just to add onto this further, improving yourself is really the only way you're going to have successful dates anyway! I can't tell you how many times I've drawn a blank on dates that led to awkward silences, just because I didn't know enough about myself to answer their questions. I wasn't ever interesting enough. I didn't have enough about myself that I was confident about because I didn't do much. I was an introverted drug addict and that was about it. That never worked for me. Find what makes you happy, do those things, and eventually you'll find that you have a LOT more to talk about.

AND, get something that reminds you of why you're out there. Find something like a bracelet, necklace, anklet, ring, I don't care. Find something that helps you to remember the person you want to be and the things you want to do. Don't let fear or rejection hold you back. I just learned this today and you'd be amazed by how much confidence it brings back in the face of adversity. If I'm feeling afraid to do something, I just look at my right wrist and see my "cure cancer" band. It's multicolored and the money went to a good cause, but it also reminds me that there are people in the world who are too sick to do what I have the option to. They would give anything to get rid of their terminal cancer and to get out there and to live their life to the fullest. And here I am, sitting around in my room because I'm too afraid to face the world. I should at least live my life for these people and I should be thankful, not fearful. I am obligated to do better things with myself, simply because they can't.

Edited August 2, 2013 by HiddenUser

August 5, 2013

Another soul-crushing weekend, what a surprise. This time we went out to a party in New Jersey. It was a graduation party for a girl we both graduated with. I saw a lot of people I knew who I went to school with and some people I've never met before. Since this was a party environment, pretty much all of the approaches were warm. There weren't many single girls there, most of them had boyfriends. The girls weren't receptive to me that much. One of my friend's brothers who didn't even know a girl took a girl back to his car and had sex with her. I sort of felt bad for myself.

When some of the guys and I were playing pool inside, I couldn't help but notice how much more masculine they were compared to me. Build, disposition, everything. I just felt really bad and I tried my best to the be the most masculine I could but it didn't work. I still have quite a ways to grow. Then I realized something. I was the only person at the party who wasn't with someone. I felt really alone and I felt that "void" coming back again.

I had a really ****ty week at work and I was looking to blow off some steam. There was virtually unlimited alcohol so I absolutely destroyed myself. I wasn't getting anywhere with girls so I was frustrated and kept drinking until I blacked out. I woke up on my friend's couch who lives in the town over the next morning.

I don't know if any of this is worth it. It just seems like every time I get a victory, I have several losses.

August 5, 2013

I get the impression that the OP is a victim that feels entitled to a girlfriend, well, just because. And indulges in self-pity if success isn't easy and automatic.

Women like men, they like to have sex and they are brilliantly imperfect. Don't put them on a pedestal...and Christ...be a man.

August 5, 2013

20 girls is nothing, bro. A lot of those girls probably did have boyfriends. Don't give up so quickly. You never know who is going to like you, especially when you're approaching random women. What were your conversations like with these women? Were you direct and flirtatious or was it mostly small talk?

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