Stargazer111 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So I met a girl a couple of weeks ago at a friend's party, let's call her M. We clicked immediately, went on our first date that same weekend, and several more in the weeks after. One night in particular was amazingly romantic; haven't felt like that on a date in many months. However, in between dates I always felt M being distant, and just that this isn't a straight-forward dating progression that I've always experienced before. Then I found out today from that party-throwing friend that M has been absolutely obsessed with another guy for months. He's not interested, and yet they still wound up being super-close friends, hanging out multiple times a week. That certainly explains the mixed signals. M likes me, otherwise why would she keep agreeing to date me; but she's conflicted, and likely has much stronger feelings for much longer for this other guy, even if they aren't reciprocated. I don't know what to do about this now. I like her a lot; I don't want to just give up on this because I see relationship potential with this girl. And I feel she genuinely does enjoy the time she spends with me too. However, this hot/cold treatment is stressful, I've now got this other dude stuck in my head, and I don't know if this will just turn into a giant emotional mess. So keep going like nothing happened and I didn't find anything out, and perhaps things will become clear soon (ie. M makes a choice between the 2 of us)? Or back out of this now before it gets more complicated?
MrCastle Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Drop her. Even if she ended up picking you for whatever reason -- how could you live with knowing you were her second choice? Her plan b? 5
RogerWallace111 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 ^ basically that Doesn't mean that possibly, down the road, when her whole situation has changed, you guys might not be able to date again. Especially since the other guy is just an infatuation/crush of hers, and not an actual "lover" who she's ever developed a real, reciprocated romantic relationship with. People can have or have had a crush and still fall for someone new, obviously. You just really don't want to be in anything with her while she's still actively desiring him and/or hasn't shown you that you shoved all thoughts of him out of her head.
KathyM Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Don't lower yourself by trying to maintain a pseudo relationship with someone who is pining after another man. It's demoralizing. Find someone who actually wants a relationship with you, and is not using you as a placeholder until the one she really wants comes around. 1
Author Stargazer111 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 I see your point. I'm leaning towards a middle though - just backing off, stop being the only one to make the effort into organizing the dates; maybe she'll decide pursue me, or maybe it'll fizzle out in which case it's the same result as definitively ending things now. But how is this situation so different from someone dating a few people simultaneously prior to an exclusive relationship being established? I mean the whole point of dating is to get to know someone and try to determine if there is relationship potential. (Well there's also the sleazier reason, but I'm certain that's not the case here.) If you had more than one dating opportunity at the same time, would you not take them all in order to figure out who's the best fit, or would you pick blindly? Conversely, would you automatically stop seeing someone before an exclusive relationship is established because you're not the only candidate? And if not, how would you ever know if you were her first choice or the back-up because her first choice didn't reciprocate her feelings? You really can't. More importantly, does it matter? Everyone has had multiple love interests, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes after a real relationship has been established; it's ridiculous to expect yourself to have always been your partner's first choice. Certainly doesn't feel good, but I don't agree with the argument that you can't be with someone who didn't pick you as their first choice.
Star Gazer Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Drop her. Even if she ended up picking you for whatever reason -- how could you live with knowing you were her second choice? Her plan b? Unless we marry the first person we ever date, we all end up being someone's second choice. 1
Imported Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Unless we marry the first person we ever date, we all end up being someone's second choice. I disagree. Unless you're still obsessing over the first person, the people that come after are not second choice. 1
TouchedByViolet Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 She is not that into you. If she liked you enough she wouldn't care about a guy who isn't into her. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 She is not that into you. If she liked you enough she wouldn't care about a guy who isn't into her. Now this is not entirely so. Lingering feelings or feelings in general cannot simply be turned on and off whenever we want them to. It is possible that she likes you, OP, but again, I fear that her distance, as you see it, shows that she is not all there for you. She is hoping for this other guy and that does not bode well for you for now. You could continue with the relationship and see if you will win her over as she realizes that she has no chance with this other guy. But, on the flip-side, she sounds vulnerable to emotional manipulation. What do I mean by that? Well, if she is "obsessed," what if this guy suddenly shows some interest (sexually)? Whether or not he wants a relationship or not, she will quickly, I fear, fall for his advances...she's vulnerable, that's what i'm saying and at this moment incapable (unwilling) to give you her full attention. Good luck with your decisions. Just be cautious... 1
KathyM Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 It's not like she's just dating various people and hasn't decided who to pick to have a relationship with. She has decided who she wants, and it ain't you, sorry to say. Do you really want to be the default guy? The one she settled for because she couldn't get the one she really wanted? Doesn't sound like a match made in heaven to be in that position. If a boyfriend of mine had been obsessing over some other woman, I would feel his heart was not open to investing in our relationship, and his mind and heart are reserved for someone else. That is why your girlfriend is distant to you. Her heart and mind are invested in someone else. Wouldn't you want someone who is open to being in love with you? Who dreams about and thinks about you, rather than some other guy? Whose heart is consumed with love for you, and not some infatuation with some other guy? I think you deserve better than this and shouldn't settle for someone who is hung up on someone else.
tbf Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 The other guy's irrelevant. If she's not giving you sufficient attention, move on.
Author Stargazer111 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) How much is "sufficient attention" in the first several weeks of dating though? She's not my girlfriend yet, she doesn't owe me any attention really. I'd like to think I'm not the super-neurotic type; I don't sit by the phone waiting to hear from someone daily. But taking more than a day to respond to a simple text, and refusing to add me on Facebook for God knows what reason, these things don't give the impression that she is interested no matter how hot the actual dates were; so that's what I meant by her keeping distance in between seeing me. Heck, I'd be creeping a new love interest's Facebook wall ASAP! I think I've heard enough opinions now to decide that this isn't going anywhere and it should end. So, just let this thing fade away on its own, or meet her and actually talk to her about this and see what she has to say? At this point she has no idea I know about her other love interest - I just found out through our mutual friend. And does it make a difference that the other guy is a coworker who is almost twice her age and it is actually ridiculous to think that they can be anything serious? We're mid / late 20s; he's almost 50. So it's definitely crazy infatuation, and we've all had plenty of stupid ones... Edited July 30, 2013 by Stargazer111 Typo
EJ787 Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 So here's my take... I recently casually dated a guy, who was hot and then cold, we'd see each other have a great time, but he'd never schedule our next date ahead of time... sometimes we'd see each other 3-4 times a week, and then we'd go a week or two with no plans made... IT drove me crazy.... Not because I'm neurotic, but because I was into him, and I felt like I was waiting by the phone for him to call... How it ended up was him saying (as I've mentioned on other threads) that although we have a great time together, he just didn't think about me when I wasn't around... Looking back would I have done the same thing, yes, probably because once I get caught up on someone I usually stick around until I know for sure it's not going anywhere... I can't walk away if I feel like there are what ifs floating around... What I will say, is if I was you I'd probably stick around, but sticking around probably isn't a great idea. If she's hung up on this guy, and has been for MONTHS... now its beyond a simple infatuation, its probably begun to involve the complicated process of wanting something you can't have... and lets be honest, most people don't stay hung up on someone at our age for MONTHS without at least some encouragement.... So... do I think you'll one day overshadow this other guy for her, probably not, but do I think you should write her off... I probably wouldn't... I'm currently casually dating a really great guy, while engaging in FWB with the previously mentioned guy I was into who didn't pick me. I respect the great guy and enjoy his company and look forward to seeing him, am I as caught up as I was with the FWB guy? No, but that also means that I'm a lot more relaxed and able to be myself around him... I'm glad the guy I'm casually dating doesn't know about the guy I was hung up on because I do think it would bother him, but I'm also glad to enjoy time with the guy I'm casually dating... I definitely wouldn't sit her down and talk to her about it... if she brings it up to you, fine, but at this point you're both casually dating, what she's doing on her time away from you isn't really your business....
Carenth Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 Never accept sloppy seconds. I would not want to be with someone as their backup if their number 1 doesn't pan out.
BlackSinatra Posted July 30, 2013 Posted July 30, 2013 One question you should always ask yourself: "Is she investing?" Does she make time for you? No? But she has time to obsess over Mr. Some-other-guy? Then leave. Of course infatuation will make some people lean more towards one than the other, but if you even stood in the same echelon as this other guy in her mind, she would have made time for you. She has not. Move on.
Recommended Posts